How does this person still have a job?

What if I told you there is a person in these United States this very moment who has a very important and prestigious job? Many, many people rely on this person to show up for this job every single day. Whether this person is sick or tired or hung over this job is so important that this person needs to suck it up and drag their butt into work every day because of the gravity of this job. This is a job that requires common sense, dedication, commitment, empathy, determination, and the ability to sometimes look past your own opinions to see the greater wisdom in decisions that need to be made.

What if I told you the person who holds this job hasn't been doing their job lately? They haven't even been half-assing it. This person has flat-out stopped trying. Do you think it's fair that this person gets to hold this lucrative job while so many fellow Americans are without one?

What if I told you this person hadn't been in to work in nearly two weeks, without so much as a phone call? Do you think that you, Dear Reader, would be able to hold your Sales Associate position at PetCo if you decided to take an unannounced two-week vacation without so much as calling a single person? So how do you feel when I tell you that this person isn't going to lose their job?

You may no longer believe that I am talking about a real person, for this description I've provided is so incredibly outrageous that surely no person, no matter what position, would be able to hold on to their job after showing such an utter lack of respect for the dignity of the position or for the responsibilities that having such a position would entail. However, I assure you that this person exists in the manner that I have described.

It should come as no surprise to you that I am talking about a politician in our very own Government, a system so corrupt and morally bankrupt that someone of such poor moral fiber would be able to slip through the cracks totally unnoticed... or maybe no one cared to notice. I think the real question, though, is how much longer are we, the American populous, going to let our elected officials spit in our faces before we finally do something about them? And it is at this point that I feel that it is necessary to finally reveal the name of the heinous vagabond for which this topic is dedicated...

The person to which I have described in detail above is none other than United States Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D) of Arizona. It should come as no surprise to my Patriotic Conservative® readers that this lazy Democrat has, for the past fortnight, made absolutely no effort to show up to work. Even worse, my inside sources have informed me that not only has she refused to make so much as a phone call explaining herself, but has also not left her bed during this time.

At this point the actions of selfish Liberals should no longer shock us, but even for a seasoned newsman like myself I find it hard to fathom this level of negligence towards one's duties.

Folks, this woman is not a hard-working American like you or I. She has no blue collars among the pant-suits in her closet. She has never tasted the sting of sweat in her eyes from a hard day's work at the baby food/rat poison factory like you have. Yet she feels entitled to a day off. Where's your day off? I say that until Gabrielle Giffords goes back to work, Conservative Patriotic Ameri-Hero-Cans™ shouldn't have to work either. That is why starting tomorrow I'm calling on all my faithful listeners and readers to stand up to Democratic tyranny and shout:

"I'm not going to work until Gabrielle Giffords does!"

It's time Conservatives stopped turning a blind eye to this fat-cattery and big-wiggery among the Democratic left and took a stand. Maybe if enough people don't show up for work during the coming days Mrs. Giffords will see just how important a little hard work and dedication to your job really is. I want to hear it shouted from the rooftops, I want to see written in chalk in the streets, I want every True Christian(TM) Conservative to post those very words in this topic this very instant!!!

"I'm not going to work until Gabrielle Giffords does!"

Who knows, maybe it'll compel her to turn off those re-runs of [i]How I Met Your Mother[/i] and finally get out of bed and maybe, just maybe, do a little work (you know, that thing she was elected to do). I doubt it. 

May God be with us,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III (Southeastern Iowa's #3 most trusted voice in political news and punditry)

Letters From the War on Christmas

Dearest Martha,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I hope mother and the children are also well. When I first joined up I was too naive to truly understand the horrors of war, and now I will never be the same.

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart. Our mission was to take the strategic wholesale retailer that has refused to use the word "Christmas" in any of their advertising or employee-to-customer greetings. Last night we set up camp on the creek next to the Shell Station. Many of us had never seen the horrors of war and didn't know what to expect. As dawn rose our commander gathered us and within the hour we were packed and ready to march.

We crested the hill behind the loading docks and made a surprise attack through the emergency exit. As we stormed the store customers grabbed their children and fled. After capturing the employees and tying them up in the break room we proceeded to spray paint the word "Christmas" on the outside window and install a makeshift manger scene on a small lawn in front of the store.

I will spare you the details of what we did to the employees for I know your heart cannot handle knowing. War turns every man, even the gentlest radio broadcaster, into a monster. I pray that this war will end soon, for I do not know how much more of these horrors I can endure. Sometimes when I'm sleeping under the stars I look up at them and find comfort in knowing that you are looking up at the same ones as me.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in my lifetime, there will come a day when Christians no longer have to publicly embarrass themselves in order to push their beliefs on others. That's what I'm fighting for.

Yours always, from the front lines in the war on Christmas,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

For the Record...

Some people have accused me of wanting to repeal the First Amendment, but that simply isn't true. I believe Americans should be allowed to observe any religion they so choose, as long as it isn't one of the religions that will damn your eternal soul to Hell.

It's illegal to destroy your body with drugs, why is it legal to destroy your soul by worshiping false religions?

How to find out if your children are on the path to Salvation

Recently I've grown worried that my grandchildren aren't on the right path to one day being True Christians™ like their parents and I: for one they hardly show any interest in going to church and act as though Bible memorization were a chore! At ages 6 and 8 I know they have a few years before they are accountable for their actions, but I'm still worried that they haven't shown that they love Christ enough. With so many bad influences and crazy people in the world feeding my grandchildren lies through the media and school I knew I had to take actions into my own hands, lest they be permanently scarred by the deranged actions of some sick individual. Last week I came up with a plan to see if they really love Jesus and went through with it last night. I convinced my son to take his wife out for a date so I could baby sit the kids.

The evening went off without a hitch: we had pizza, watched a movie and had a grand old time. Bedtime came and I tucked the children in and read them a story.

Once they were asleep I dressed up in all black, put a ski mask on and started lurking around in the bushes outside of the house. I broke in to the house and tip-toed upstairs. I visited my granddaughter first. She lay in bed like a little angel, her blond hair cascading over her pillow and a little stuffed bear held tight in her arms. She is truly the apple of my eye. I took out a rag doused in chloroform and held it over her mouth. She awoke long enough to let out a muffled scream before passing out.

I then tip-toed across the hall to my grandson's room and did the same to him.

While the kids were out I tied them with some rope to two chairs and waited for them to wake up. When they did they were horrified to see a masked stranger standing before them.

"We're gonna play a little game," I said in a deep and threatening voice. It was at this time they noticed the handgun I was holding in my gloved hand. "I'm going to ask you each a question. If you answer correctly you may live, but if you answer wrong I splatter your brains all over that wall."

They began weeping.

"But to make things even easier I will tell you the correct answer to the question before I ask it. Sound easy enough?"

After a spell they sheepishly nodded their heads while sniffing up snot running from their noses.

"I'm going to ask you if you believe in Jesus. If you say no I will untie you and let you live, but if you say yes I'm going to put this gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Understand? Then let's play."

I kneel down in front of my grandson.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?" I asked.

He bowed his head and cried.

"Answer me!" I shouted, while pointing the gun in his face.

"No!" he cries. "I reject Jesus!"

"Very well." I move over to my granddaughter.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?"

She thinks about it for a while and then looks me in the eyes and boldly says, "Yes!"

I pretend to be taken aback and ask her why, in the face of certain death, she chooses to accept Jesus Christ as her savior, when she can just lie and say she doesn't so she can live.

"Because we learn in Mark 8:38 that Jesus is ashamed of anyone that is ashamed of him. I would rather die than have Jesus be ashamed of me!"

Her weeping comes to a crescendo as I slowly raise the gun and point it at her forehead. At this point her brother is crying and begging me not to kill his sister.

I pull the trigger and a stream of water shoots out of the gun and hits her in the face. She looks up at me, confused.

"If I were really a dangerous psychotic your brain matter would be splattered all over that wall behind you and you'd be dead right now, but you'd be in heaven with Jesus," I say to her. I turn to my grandson, "But you... even though you'd live to see another day your life would be empty and without purpose because you rejected Christ, and when you did die, likely from a drug overdose or the AIDS, you would go to Hell to endure awful punishments and torments for selfishly rejecting Christ in the face of death. You sicken me."

I then left the room, took off my burglar garb and returned to pretend that I had been knocked out by the assailant when he broke into the house. As I untied them, they told me about the horrors that they had to endure. I commended my granddaughter for standing in her faith even with the barrel of a gun pointing straight at her face and I scolded my grandson for rejecting Christ. Unless my grandson shapes up I fear he will receive the torments of Hell, for as we learn in Matthew 10:33, if you deny Jesus he will deny you to his father come your judgment. Knowing this it would be better for a Christian to be killed for accepting Jesus than to be spared for lying and saying you don't believe.

Matthew 10:33 - But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do with my grandson if he ever wants to be a Saved Christian, but I feel joy in my heart when I report that my granddaughter is clearly on her way to being a Saved young woman in the coming years.

PRAISE HIM and SHOUT GLORY!