Speculation on the Mark Sanford Scandal

6/24/2009

The Wash O'Hanley Show apologizes for a lack of speculation on this story over the last 48 hours like the other news shows-- we had all of our staff, techs and unpaid intern-reporters in Pennsylvania covering the Jon and Kate + Ei8ht divorce (we had an amazing exclusive interview with one of the little kids after we lured him into our white van with candy, unfortunately, for legal reasons, my lawyers would not allow it to played on my show). We had our men on the first flight to Columbia, South Carolina and then an Amish guy's horse-drawn wagon broke on the air strip and delayed us another 18 hours. GOD DAMMIT

I know that this story has already been broken but, if you will, I would like to save safe and make it sound like I was there yesterday with those reporters hanging out in the carport of Gov. Sanford's house, digging through his trash and peering through the closed windows at his kids as they ate macaroni for dinner (poor choice, mom) and watched Spongebob by reading my pre-scripted bit that I was going to say.

Where is Gov. Sanford right now? I stand outside his home where last week this man held his children, but today tells a different story. Late last week the Governor went into the mountains to work on some writing after the emotional distress of having to receive $700 million in bailout money. But sources say he has not made contact with people in nearly four days. While other news sources have made wild allegations about his whereabouts, the Wash O'Hanley Show is dedicated to reporting only the facts... and the WILDEST of the WILD Speculations. Could Governor Sanford have been eaten by the Mothman? The mythical creature of West Virginian lore, half-man, half-moth, who flies around the Appalachian region feeding on young teens necking in the back of their parents' cars? Could Governor Sanford BE the Mothman? Could the Jersey Devil have anything to do with this? All of these questions, and many more, tomorrow on the Wash O'Hanley Show, assuming he doesn't turn up in the next 24 hours, which would suck because now I'm in Columbia and there is nothing else to do here.