Letters From the War on Christmas

Dearest Martha,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I hope mother and the children are also well. When I first joined up I was too naive to truly understand the horrors of war, and now I will never be the same.

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart. Our mission was to take the strategic wholesale retailer that has refused to use the word "Christmas" in any of their advertising or employee-to-customer greetings. Last night we set up camp on the creek next to the Shell Station. Many of us had never seen the horrors of war and didn't know what to expect. As dawn rose our commander gathered us and within the hour we were packed and ready to march.

We crested the hill behind the loading docks and made a surprise attack through the emergency exit. As we stormed the store customers grabbed their children and fled. After capturing the employees and tying them up in the break room we proceeded to spray paint the word "Christmas" on the outside window and install a makeshift manger scene on a small lawn in front of the store.

I will spare you the details of what we did to the employees for I know your heart cannot handle knowing. War turns every man, even the gentlest radio broadcaster, into a monster. I pray that this war will end soon, for I do not know how much more of these horrors I can endure. Sometimes when I'm sleeping under the stars I look up at them and find comfort in knowing that you are looking up at the same ones as me.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in my lifetime, there will come a day when Christians no longer have to publicly embarrass themselves in order to push their beliefs on others. That's what I'm fighting for.

Yours always, from the front lines in the war on Christmas,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III