Classic Quotes

5/1/11

Wash on the death of Osama Bin Laden:

"The last time I was this happy was at my son's wedding, but this time I'm not firing a handgun into the air while vomiting moonshine and popcorn shrimp. I guess the jist of this post is I'm gonna grab a gun, get wrecked and head to Long John Silvers. AMERICA!"

Wash O'Hanley on Terry Jones and Quran Burning

It looks like this Mr. Terry Jones has gone from canceling his Quran burning after speaking with a local Imam to "putting it on hold" after finding out the New York City Islamic Center wouldn't be moved:

Jones, leader of the Gainesville, Florida-based Dove World Outreach Center, announced he will travel Saturday to New York to meet with the religious leader behind the planned center, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, about a new location.

But that, too, was questioned.

Rauf and Imam Muhammad Musri, a Florida Muslim leader who appeared with Jones, said later no agreement on a meeting or relocation of the mosque had been reached.

Jones insisted the church "put a temporary hold" on the Quran burning event after he had been told by Musri of a deal to move the New York mosque.

"I am actually very disappointed and very shocked because if this turns out to be true, he [Musri] clearly, clearly lied to us," Jones said Thursday evening. (More)

At this point I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm getting tired of all this back and forth from Jones. One day he wants to burn the Quran, the next he doesn't, then he isn't sure. Make up your mind! We all know Terry Jones used to be the best Quran-burning Pastor in America... back in like 1996. But it's 2010 right now and Jones, while still burning Qurans at a high level well past his prime, is just a shell of his former greatness. The guy holds all the records and I think it's safe to say that unless a young prodigy comes out of nowhere those records are safe. At this point I feel like Jones is just burning Qurans for the publicity, the money, and to keep racking up stats and records.

No one is denying he had a good 2007, and his 2009 was unreal for someone his age, but to come back to Quran burning on such short notice after nearly 6 months rehabbing the tennis elbow he developed from throwing so many Qurans on a pyre in January is going to come back and haunt him. Folks, Terry Jones just isn't at 100% and I feel like he's going to hold his entire congregation back by making another unnecessary comeback. The Dove World Outreach Church has a lot on their plate, and I just feel like while Terry Jones is the most important pastor in their history, there are young up and coming pastors riding the bench right now that need to get some time behind the pulpit if they are going to develop and help this church in the future.

It's time for Terry Jones to step away from Quran burning, as hard as that may be for him. He has dedicated his entire life to burning Islamic holy texts and has accomplished more than any other Islamophobe will ever achieve. To put it simply: he needs to step away with dignity before it's too late. It would honestly be a shame if he sat around these next few days wasting his church's time as they try to move on, only to decide at the last second that he wants one last shot at glory a couple of hours before the first book gets set ablaze. Even if he does come back he's going to be rusty and I don't think the fans who have spent the last 18-20 years following his career want to watch him attempt to throw a book on the fire only to have it get intercepted by a New Orleans Saints defensive back while three of their D-linemen crush him and break his legs.

Ground Zero Mosque, the First Amendment and the 14th Amendment (for some reason)

It doesn't surprise me in the least that thick-skulled Liberals and terrorist Muslims are hiding behind the First Amendment on the issue of the Ground Zero Mosque as evidence that it should be erected. While the Bill of Rights does protect the free exercise of any religion, you must understand the context in which it was written.

Consider the 14th Amendment for a moment. The 14th Amendment states in section 1 that:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 

Now I'll admit, it SOUNDS like this Amendment is saying that a person from another country can come to America, have a baby, and that baby is an American citizen. I'll give you that. It does SOUND like that. But the truth of the matter, as explained by Professor Glenn Beck, is far more complicated:

Okay. We are the only country in the world that has anchor babies and do you know why we have anchor babies? We have anchor babies because the Democrats in Reconstruction tried to say, "Oh, well, you can free the slaves, but they're not citizens. So when they have a baby, the baby's got to go back to Africa." Really, Democrats? That's that was as good as you had? That's what it was. That's why we had anchor babies. We had to put that into the Constitution so you couldn't claim that they weren't citizens. Well, now, look what it's turned into. There was no Sunset on that. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/44444/ 

That's right, the 14th Amendment was added to the Constitution after the Civil War to protect the children of freed slaves because the Democrats wanted to send them back to Africa for not being American citizens. This Amendment protected those children as being American citizens so they could continue to live with their parents while they got their rap careers/urban wear companies started. Unfortunately our founding fathers who wrote this Amendment after the Civil War in 1868 didn't have the foresight (due in some part, one would assume, to the fact that most of our founding fathers were in their late hundred and twenties by 1868) to include a date on which this Amendment would no longer be valid. As a result, people from all over the world, many of whom terrorists, have breached our borders in the vulnerable Arizona and Texas regions to have terrorist anchor babies who they will raise to hate America.

What does all of this have to do with the First Amendment? Just like the 14th Amendment, which our decrepit and senile founding fathers forgot to pen with a sunset clause, the First Amendment was also supposed to only apply to a certain group and expire at a certain time.

You must understand the context of the First Amendment and why it was included in the Bill of Rights in the First place. Why was America even founded in the first place? The first colonists to reach Plymouth Rock in 1620 had come here for the specific purpose of escaping religious intolerance in their own land, and to develop a society that was accepting of all faiths. But I ask you, humble listeners, what faith was most prevalent in those days? If you answered with "Christianity" you're correct! The pilgrims were all Christians, the colonists were all Christians and all of our American patriots of that era were Christians. When the first Amendment was penned in the Bill of Rights the markings on those pages were being made by hands that had witnessed religious persecution for being a certain sect of Christianity, and with the swiping of that feather they abolished the idea of Christian persecution at the hands of a governing body in this country until Obama was elected President.

Unfortunately, like the 14th Amendment, the First Amendment didn't come with a sunset clause either. No American Christian living today has been subject to religious persecution in their state (unless you consider being arrested for attempting to kidnap Terri Shiavo's dormant body out of a Florida hospice days before her death to be religious persecution). But like the 14th Amendment, which says that anyone born in America is an American citizen, but means something completely different, so too does the First Amendment say one thing and mean something else. Let's take a look at the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Now I will concede that the part I put in bold does sound like there are no Constitutional Grounds on which to prevent the building of the Mosque on top of the site where the World Trade Centers once stood, but take a look at my changes, added in red, that clarify exactly what the founders intended:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of the Christian religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 

Our founding fathers knew of no Muslims because they weren't around in America at that time. They didn't have the foresight to include special provisions for special religions that didn't exist in America at that time. Had our founding fathers known that Muslims would soon overrun our major cities and gain a monopoly on the taxi-driving industry things would most certainly have been different. Case in point: go look at any painting depicting an American street or city in colonial times. Notice any street vendors selling Falafels? Me neither.



The First Amendment, as our founding fathers envisioned it, did not include Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Mormons or Catholics. The rights ensured to all citizens in that hallowed document were only meant to be extended to people of the Christian faith, and in light of this I, and many other Conservatives, believe it is time to rethink and re-write this Amendment to the form that our founding fathers truly wanted it.

You may be saying: "But Wash, I thought you've said on numerous occasions back in 2008 that the Constitution is not a living document?" This is true, the Constitution is NOT a living document, but there are still grounds on which we may change the words on this document if it is necessary. For the Constitution is not a dead document either. That's right, the Constitution is neither living nor dead... the Constitution is UNDEAD; rising from the sweet embrace of the grave to wander the streets of our fair cities, it's only form of sustenance the brains of our slower, fatter and dumber citizens as huddled bands of survivors live on rooftops and cellars, hording whatever food and weapons they can amass in anticipation of that one last battle.



The only way to stop the Constitution at this point is to separate its brain from its body, and when you do that, getting rid of the 14th Amendment and preventing the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque on political grounds makes a lot more sense.

Wash on Ground Zero Mosque

8/11/2010

Jeb. Now I know some thick-skulled Liberal nimrods are gonna say that us Conservatives have no business making a fuss over what goes on in Jew York City since we don't come from there, hate everyone that does, and have never even so much as visited the state that bears its name, and to be honest, all of that is true. Now I know us Conservative (True) Americans don't give two hoots about the City of New York since it isn't a part of the Real America, but Gosh darnitt, it's still part of America; just like Puerto Rico, Guantanamo Bay and Iraq. Now if New York City were to all the sudden be swept away in a giant tidal wave like in so many disaster movies (which all had black people playing the president, I remind you) I doubt any of us would even notice, and to be frank, I don't think anyone would care after they did. But while New York may be like the strange male cousin we all have who played with Barbies growing up and has brought the same male "roommate" to Thanksgiving for the last 5 years it is still a part of this country, just not a really important part like, say, West Virginia or Montana, and we cannot sit idly by as it gets taken over by the Muslim infestation.

Now I don't know about the rest of you but it sounds like, from this article Jeb has posted that this isn't going to be just another Muslim Community Center where a bunch of old towel heads sit around chanting "death to America" while playing Bingo and watching episodes of the Lawrence Welk show.

The glass-and-steel building - which would also include a 500-seat performing arts venue, a swimming pool and a basketball court - would be built two blocks from the World Trade Center site, in the old Burlington Coat Factory.

A performing arts venue? A swimming pool? A basketball court? No sir, this doesn't sound at all like a community center, unless you consider beheading American citizens on camera to be "performance art." The only community these "people" are trying to build is a terrorist one! These Moose-limbs are gonna go right down to the streets, pluck up young and impressionable children and then train them in their state-of-the-art terrorist training complex right in the heart of New York City, and we cannot let that happen!

Isn't it obvious, folks? This is the new wave of Islamo-fascist fundamentalist terrorism-- and it's completely home-grown! These terrorists are planning on destroying America from the inside, by hijacking not our planes, but our institutions, and not by destroying our buildings, but by destroying the fabric of what made America such a great nation. Sure a performing arts center and a basketball court and a swimming pool sound harmless enough, but think about the unspeakable evil that will result in giving this technology to Islamic fundamentalists, who, due to living in barren deserted hellscapes, have up until this point been unable to enrich such technology on their own land.

The only reason Muslims don't participate in swimming competitions is because they lack the infrastructure to build something like a swimming pool. With access to swimming pools young Muslim men will become a force in the world of competitive swimming. I mean, who would want to compete against a guy strapped with 10 pounds of C4? They'll win every race and take away swimming dominance on a global setting from the Americans. Pretty soon all the records for Olympic Swimming are going to be held by some guy named Al'Michael Siad Phelps-Bashir, and if you thought it was scary having to worry about catching AIDS in a public swimming pool, consider how scary it would be to catch Islam! Although, for fair measure, Marco-Polo will be a lot funner with the introduction of roadside bombs.



The theater is one of America's strongest cultural institutions and the art of film making was born in the streets of our fair cities. Heed my warning when I tell you that exposing fundamentalist Muslims to such a powerful medium as performing arts will be catastrophic for America. Becoming masters of the craft of acting, the terrorists will infiltrate our society, gain our trust, and then destroy us from the inside out-- all while scooping up every Emmy, Oscar and Tony award along the way! And if you thought Halle Berry's Oscar speech was bad, just wait until Osama Bin Laden wins Best Actor in a Leading Role for his portrayal of Henry IV and his acceptance speech is him in front of a cave wall reading a manifesto for two and a half hours. They'll try to cut him off with the Orchestra but insurgents will have the conductor hostage with a sword to his throat! The only good thing that will come out of the evening is Joan Rivers being blown up by an IED after putting Osama on her worst-dressed list ("I guess I would've also thought that turban went with those robes if I had been living in a cave for the last 10 years").

But perhaps most startling is what access to basketball will do to fundamentalist Islam and America. America is a force in Basketball and it is no wonder why; just listen to any post-game interview with a basketball player that was on the winning team and they will paint the picture perfectly for you. "I want to thank God for letting us win" they will often say. Of course they are talking about the Christian God and of course, by winning the game they have proven that the God of the Christian Bible is the one and only true God. America currently possesses the greatest arsenal of human beings whose sole purpose in life is to throw a basketball through a hoop and get paid millions of dollars to do so. But the average day for a professional basketball isn't just shooting a ball through a hoop. In fact, practicing only takes up a small percentage of their daily activities. While they are immensely talented, consider how much better American basketball players would be if all they did 24/7 was play basketball instead of drinking Hennessy "up in da club" while their penis penetrates a myriad of underage up-and-coming super model vagina. They would be unstoppable. Known for their tireless work-ethic, reverence of authority and blind acceptance of orders, Muslim basketball players will quickly rise to the top in the basketball world. While our basketball players will spend their off season snorting lines of coke off the rear ends of Dominican prostitutes and working on crappy rap albums their Muslim counterparts will work tirelessly to improve their shooting average and half-court defense. Within a few seasons the Muslim basketball team that will come out of this new community center will dominate the league and in every post game interview who will they thank for giving them the strength to put a thorough beat down on their American rivals? Allah. By letting Muslims have access to basketball courts we are in danger of proving that Islam is the one true religion.

With the combination of swimming, acting and basketball training under their belts our new home-grown Muslim extremists will be unstoppable as they take to the streets of America, laying waste to our off-Broadway acting venues and midnight basketball tournaments. Without sounding like an alarmist that has resorted to hyperbole: I fear that there will be no America within 4 years of this Muslim Community Center being build, and as Americans we need to do everything in our power to making sure it never gets built.

Wash O'Hanley Announces Long-Awaited Next Book

12/3/2009

Press Release:

It's been two years since Right-wing radio pundit and self-described "Christo-Fascist" Master Debater Wash O'Hanley released his long-awaited second book Mindrape, the follow up to his monumental Best Seller [in the state of Mississippi] Gay Jew HomoNazi Abortions. A lot has happened in the world since then: atheism is on the rise, gays are demanding more and more rights, and now we have a black guy in the Oval Office. If you think Wash O'Hanley is going to sit back and say nothing, you're thinking of the wrong "Most Popular Right-Wing Radio Pundit in Southeastern Iowa of 2004."

"Some famous people like to have their books ghostwritten, the only ghost that helped write this book was Jesus."

Rewind to November 5th, 2008. Wash wakes up on his couch, covered in his own filth and terribly hung over. "I thought for a while about taking my own life," he candidly says. The next three months weren't easy for Wash-- he fell in with a bad crowd and developed an addiction to huffing anti-freeze. In late January of 2009 a trusted friend came to Wash's aid and gave him some advice he'd never forget. Wash knew what he had to do and after conquering his addiction to huffing anti-freeze and bribing a state jury in his son's meth-dealing trial he got to work writing his third, and therefore most important book. The process was arduous, but Wash has never backed down from a challenge:

"I locked myself in a room with nothing but a typewriter and told my wife to not let me out until I had acheived my masterpiece. No matter how loud I screamed or begged I instructed her to not let me out, for I would rather starve to death than not realize my genius. Three hours later that door was opened and I came out of that room holding the first draft of this book-- my most important work to date."

It is with great honor that Wash O'Hanley announces the forthcoming release of his new book, just in time for Christmas, I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.

Wash O'Hanley has never been afraid to speak his mind, and anyone that loves his politics will greatly enjoy this book. Every chapter in this stirring and ably-written book will deal with a different topic that has a place close to Wash's heart.

Chapter 1: They Tore Down My Childhood Home and Built a Pizza Hut on the Property
A look into the early years of Wash O'Hanley, from a privileged upbringing to a Vietnam-skipping young adulthood, read about the formative years in Wash O'Hanley's life.
"In those days rape was basically still legal in the state of Texas so me and the other boys had a pretty good time picking up cheerleaders and going down to the river with them."

Chapter 2: I Lack the Cognitive Ability to Recognize That When I Look in the Mirror I'm Actually Seeing a Reflection of Myself and Not Another Person
"Every time I want to masturbate in the bathroom this guy keeps coming in there with me and starts masturbating too."

Chapter 3: Vietnam Was Great
Wash reflects on his personal experiences and the life-changing hardships he faced during the Vietnam War, studying broadcast journalism at the University of Iowa.

Chapter 4: Bill Clinton Stuck His Penis Inside of All of our Mouths
Wash remembers Lewinskigate and the devastating effects it had on all Americans.

Chapter 5: 9/11 Was Bill Clinton's Fault

Chapter 6: About That Time I Punched Nelson Mandela in the Face...
Wash sets the record straight about the infamous night he accidentally punched Nelson Mandela in the face.

Chapter 7: Barack Obama Wants to Murder Me
On the evening of April 7th, 2009, Wash O'Hanley, while going for a midnight snack in the kitchen, fell down the stairs in his own home. Unfortunate accident, or Presidential assassination attempt?
"If you take all the letters from all the words in all of the President's speeches you will have more than enough letters to spell 'I, Barack Obama, am going to kill Wash O'Hanley.'"

Chapter 8: I Know Back When Bush Was President I Told Liberals That Even if They Didn't Like Him They Still Had To Recognize Him As President, But This Is Different.
Wash lists reasons why Barack Obama shouldn't be respected.

Chapter 9: Huffing Anti-Freeze is a Great High That Has No Downside Like Real Drugs

Chapter 10: I Can't Remember Anything and I'm Also Blind Now

Chapter 11: Someone Tell the Ghost of Eli Whitney to Get Out of My Kitchen
Wash describes a horrific evening when, during an anti-freeze-induced stupor, the famous 19th Century inventor broke into his home and ate most of his canned goods.

Chapter 11: I Need to Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze
Wash decides once and for all to kick his anti-freeze habit.

Chapter 12: I Can Huff Anti-Freeze One More Time and Not Get Addicted
Wash makes a poor decision.

Chapter 13: I Need To Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze Part II

Chapter 14: I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People
"I'm sick and tired of these queermos looking at my junk while I try to pee. They are ruining the once manly tradition of standing in a line with a bunch of dudes and peeing."

Chapter 15: If President Obama Isn't a Nazi Why is it so Easy to Draw Hitler Mustaches on Pictures of him?

Chapter 16: I Remember When It Used to be Socially Acceptable to Say the Word "Negro"
Wash laments the changing of social norms in America.
"He wasn't sure if it was safe to send his employees into that mine shaft and the nearest pet store was two miles away. Rather than waiting for someone to go buy a canary my great grandfather sent the first Chinese guy he could find down there."

Chapter 17: Nancy Pelosi is a Robot and Her Vagina is a Garbage Disposal

Chapter 18: Barack Obama is a Socialist

Chapter 19: I Just Learned Right Now What a Socialist Is

Chapter 20: I Want to Have a Threesome With Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin While Newt Gingrich Videotapes it
Wash describes in vivid and graphic detail his sexual fantasy of having a threesome with shamed California beauty queen Carrie Prejean and shamed Vice Presidential candidate Sarah 'Failin' Palin.
"I want to start by saying that I respect both of these women for their intelligence and convictions and in no way want to reduce them to sexual objects whose only use is to satisfy men. Now I would start by having them both wear school girl outfits because those are freakin' hot."

Chapter 21: Why Are Ancient Middle-Eastern Goat Herders From the First Century Always Tricking Me Into Believing the Most Ridiculous and Obviously False Things?

Chapter 22: Reasons Why the Bible is the Only Valid Holy Book
"It says right there in the text that it is all true, why would the author of this work lie?"

Chapter 23: A Letter to my Great Great Grandchildren
"If you're reading this it means that your black Mexican Chinese slave handlers are momentarily distracted, giving you time to read books, which are strictly forbidden."

Wash O'Hanley's I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People is the most important book of the year (and possibly ever) and is the perfect Christmas gift for someone that has strong political views but doesn't like reading things that are long. Just read what the critics have to say:

"Most of the chapters are less than a page long."

"This book will appeal to people that don't like reading."

"Because of how short it is, it doesn't even serve as a useful paperweight."

Buy I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People today!
-------------------------

SPECIAL OFFER! If you order I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People online at Wash O'Hanley's Official Website before December 23rd you'll receive a FREE copy of Wash's little-known 1993 novel Broadcast of Danger. Russ O'Leary is a small-town radio broadcaster that gets caught up in a tale of danger and intrigue as a mysterious woman, Billary Flinton, threatens to murder him, but nothing is as it seems. If you enjoy timely social commentary, mystery and robot lesbian eroticism you'll like Broadcast of Danger.

"Russ looked at her ample breasts. 'You have massive gozongas,' he said with a suave look on his face. Russ had had intercourse with lots of hot babes before but this chick was like a 9.5/10. She removed her g-string and walked across the room to him and pressed her naked body against him and at this point Russ started pitching a massive tent and then the hot naked chick reached down his pants and started stroking his massive boner and then the most awful thing you could ever think of happened: the totally hot chick he was about to bang pulled on her face and it turned out she was really Billary Flinton wearing a mask. GROSS! Russ reached for his space phazer gun but Flinton was too fast and kicked it out of his hand!"

What will happen next? You'll just have to read the novel to find out.

Local Man Apologizes to Victims and Families of Fort Hood Shootings for “Wasting God’s Time” on Tragic Day

11/20/2009

Freehold, Iowa—Freehold resident Dwayne Carpenter held a press conference today to make a formal apology to the victims and families involved in the Fort Hood massacre for “wasting God’s time.” Carpenter explained that repeatedly on the day of November 5th, 2009, he prayed to God for trivial things: all of which God granted and likely led to his lack of intervention in the horrific shooting that claimed 13 lives.

“I just feel terrible that I was the reason God didn’t stop all those folks from being killed.” He said during the press conference. “If I hadn’t been bothering God with all my asinine requests he might have been able to do something about that tragedy.”

Among his solicitations, Carpenter asked God to have the latest issue of Cracked Magazine delivered to his mailbox, locate his lost REO Speedwagon T-shirt, make it a pleasant day that was not too hot or too cold, and to help the Chicago Bulls defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers in an early season matchup that had absolutely no playoff implications—all of which came true. “I remember pulling into the McDonalds drive-through at 12:10pm and praying that they’d still be serving breakfast even though it was ten minutes after they typically stop selling it. Miraculously, through God’s divine intervention alone, the woman at the window accepted my order for a McGriddle and two hash browns.”

Freehold law enforcement authorities and Landover Church officials are looking into the possibility of pressing charges against Carpenter. “People like to think that God can be anywhere and everywhere, just listening to the minor problems that people face in their everyday lives, but that simply isn’t true.” Creation scientist Dr. Carl Witherspoon of Landover Baptist University explained. “Like a tech support representative on the phone, God can only give his attention to one person at a time, and when you repeatedly make frivolous prayers and hold his attention, he cannot devote his time to the people that truly have things that require his arbitration. On Thursday November 5th, because of Mr. Carpenter, God had to put the poor souls at Fort Hood on hold.”

Pastor Deacon Fred also weighed in on the situation during a sermon last Sunday. “Unbelievers and atheists like to point at events like these as proof that there is no God, for what kind and loving God would allow such devastating happenings and pointless waste of life to befall to his creation? However, this is not God’s fault! There is undeniable evidence that shows how horrible incidences such as this is not the result of God’s silence or apathy, but the wasting of his time by people that have no real problems at all. Those brave Christian soldiers at Fort Hood were praying their hearts out as bullets whizzed over their heads, but God couldn’t hear them because this bozo was yacking his ears off!”

Freehold lawmakers are currently writing legislation that will make it illegal to waste God’s time with pointless and facetious prayer requests within city limits.

While he’s thankful for all the prayers that God answered on that fateful day, Dwayne regrets that his close personal relationship with our Lord caused the death and injury of so many people. “All-in-all it was a pretty great day for me, but I’ll always have to live with the knowledge that I’m largely responsible for the Fort Hood shooting. My bad.”

Wash on Obama's Visit to Egypt

6/5/2009

In another move that proves that Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya that is going back to his home land where he was programmed as a Manchurian Candidate to give secrets to our enemies our President has gone to Egypt to give a speech to the nation of Islam in hopes of bettering our relations with them.

I am honored to be in the timeless city of Cairo, and to be hosted by two remarkable institutions. For over a thousand years, Al-Azhar has stood as a beacon of Islamic learning, and for over a century, Cairo University has been a source of Egypt's advancement. Together, you represent the harmony between tradition and progress. I am grateful for your hospitality, and the hospitality of the people of Egypt. I am also proud to carry with me the goodwill of the American people, and a greeting of peace from Muslim communities in my country: assalaamu alaykum.

The full text of this vile speech can be found at an equally disgusting and pornographic site here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/0..._n_211217.html

Folks, why are we trying to better our relations with the Muslim world? It makes no sense. If someone doesn't like you, you don't try to become friends with that person. Here is an apt analogy: Let's say you have a crush on this girl. You really want her to go to the dance with you so you finally build up the courage to ask her only to get turned away. She doesn't want to date a teenager that already has gray hair, wears a suit and bow tie to school every day and reported the art teacher to HUAC. So what do you do? Do you try to prove to her that you're not the kind of person she thinks you are? Do you change your image to try and appeal to her? NO! You go to the dance alone, spike her punch, drag her lifeless body to the backseat of your mom's Studabaker-Packard, have your way with her and then I left her on the side of some rural road in the middle of no where. That is how Americans deal with rejection.

Classic Quotes

"Bees are the terrorists of the insect world. Heck, their homes are shaped like turbans." -7/2/2008

Speak English or Get Out!

5/2/2008

I'm tired of these deaf people who think the rules don't apply just because they can't hear (likely story, by the way). Last time I checked you don't need to be able to HEAR in order to SPEAK-- they are two fundamentally different things. If I put on a pair of sound-proof headphones I would still be able to speak perfectly without having to resort to this "sign language" non-sense. Now I don't know exactly what this sign language stuff is but it clearly isn't English, no one understands it but other deaf people, and it most likely is used to convey secrets to our enemies.

When I go to the local Mexican restaurant I expect the people working there to not speak in Spanish to me and when I try and hold a conversation with a gimp deaf person I expect them not to start flashing gang signs at me. Learn English or GET OUT. Mexicans that don't speak English need to go back to Mexico, Polish people that don't speak English need to go back to Poland, and deaf people that don't speak English should be somewhere like the moon or something since I don't think there's any sound in space.

I'm a reasonable man but this is a warning to all deaf people: the buck stops here (or HEAR). Once John McCain is elected the next President of these United States expect to see a Federal Amendment making English this country's official language and don't think that just because you can't hear you'll be exempt because these laws are written down on paper where you can read them (or can deaf people not see anymore either?).