"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Local Man Apologizes to Victims and Families of Fort Hood Shootings for “Wasting God’s Time” on Tragic Day


Freehold, Iowa—Freehold resident Dwayne Carpenter held a press conference today to make a formal apology to the victims and families involved in the Fort Hood massacre for “wasting God’s time.” Carpenter explained that repeatedly on the day of November 5th, 2009, he prayed to God for trivial things: all of which God granted and likely led to his lack of intervention in the horrific shooting that claimed 13 lives.

“I just feel terrible that I was the reason God didn’t stop all those folks from being killed.” He said during the press conference. “If I hadn’t been bothering God with all my asinine requests he might have been able to do something about that tragedy.”

Among his solicitations, Carpenter asked God to have the latest issue of Cracked Magazine delivered to his mailbox, locate his lost REO Speedwagon T-shirt, make it a pleasant day that was not too hot or too cold, and to help the Chicago Bulls defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers in an early season matchup that had absolutely no playoff implications—all of which came true. “I remember pulling into the McDonalds drive-through at 12:10pm and praying that they’d still be serving breakfast even though it was ten minutes after they typically stop selling it. Miraculously, through God’s divine intervention alone, the woman at the window accepted my order for a McGriddle and two hash browns.”

Freehold law enforcement authorities and Landover Church officials are looking into the possibility of pressing charges against Carpenter. “People like to think that God can be anywhere and everywhere, just listening to the minor problems that people face in their everyday lives, but that simply isn’t true.” Creation scientist Dr. Carl Witherspoon of Landover Baptist University explained. “Like a tech support representative on the phone, God can only give his attention to one person at a time, and when you repeatedly make frivolous prayers and hold his attention, he cannot devote his time to the people that truly have things that require his arbitration. On Thursday November 5th, because of Mr. Carpenter, God had to put the poor souls at Fort Hood on hold.”

Pastor Deacon Fred also weighed in on the situation during a sermon last Sunday. “Unbelievers and atheists like to point at events like these as proof that there is no God, for what kind and loving God would allow such devastating happenings and pointless waste of life to befall to his creation? However, this is not God’s fault! There is undeniable evidence that shows how horrible incidences such as this is not the result of God’s silence or apathy, but the wasting of his time by people that have no real problems at all. Those brave Christian soldiers at Fort Hood were praying their hearts out as bullets whizzed over their heads, but God couldn’t hear them because this bozo was yacking his ears off!”

Freehold lawmakers are currently writing legislation that will make it illegal to waste God’s time with pointless and facetious prayer requests within city limits.

While he’s thankful for all the prayers that God answered on that fateful day, Dwayne regrets that his close personal relationship with our Lord caused the death and injury of so many people. “All-in-all it was a pretty great day for me, but I’ll always have to live with the knowledge that I’m largely responsible for the Fort Hood shooting. My bad.”

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