Folks, I know that many of you have been looking to me for guidance this past week in the wake of the presidential elections. Sometimes not even the experts have the answers and after Tuesday night's election all I could get myself to do was crawl out of bed, drive down to the Sam's Club and buy the biggest jug of street legal vanilla extract that they sold. While I was in a vanilla-crazed stupor I started watching a documentary film on television called "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" where a British secret agent from the 1970's freezes himself cryogenically and is thawed out in the present day without aging a single day.
I value my life greatly, life is God's gift not only to me, but to the entire world because of the service I provide. I know that if I killed myself not only would I be letting God down, but I'd be letting my hordes of crazed fans down as well; the resulting fervor they would be put in by my untimely death would be unfathomable (9/11 only worse).
If you're like me you wish there was a way to just skip the next 4 to (God forbid) 8 years and be thawed out during the next Republican administration (assuming the rapture hasn't happened by then). Well if you're like me you can look no further because I'm starting my own Cryogenics company! Just listen to some of the testimonials of my first 'customers'.
"Are you kidnapping me?"
"This place doesn't look very clean"
"How sure are you this is going to work?"
"I think there's more to cryogenics than stacking bags of ice on top of people."
But folks, there's more to cryogenics than rounding up homeless people and luring them into basement where you stack bags of ice on top of them while they are intoxicated à la The Cask of Amontillado-- a lot more, and now I'm allowing endeavoring entrepreneurs [like yourself] to invest in my business model and start your own basement cryogenics lab! For one down payment of $250,000 you and your family can start freezing people that are disillusioned by the recent presidential election. Ask yourself, if you fall into one of these categories of people you may be ready to start your own cryogenics lab in your home:
- Has the recent economic situation led you to consider the possibilities of taking in boarders?
- Would you consider freezing things to be a hobby of yours?
If you answered one, two or all of these questions you may be ready for the exciting world that cryogenics have to offer. With your $250,000 investment you will not only receive a proven business model, but also 10,000 bags of Eskimo's Choice Ice, cardboard paneling that will make any basement look like a scientific cryogenic laboratory, and one alarm clock (batteries not included).
So if you're ready to step into the new business endeavor of the 21st Century and take people with you this is the opportunity for you.
Wash O'Hanley Cryogenics
5850 Robin Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
Go to the shack out back and don't be discouraged if it looks like a meth lab-- this is a scientific cryogenics lab AND a meth lab.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010