"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My Thoughts on the Christine O'Donnell Videos

Christine O'Donnell, a virtual unknown until only a few days ago, recently blew onto the scene like a premature ejaculation in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta on prom night '87. Liberal smear-artist Rachel Maddow showed a video of a twenty-something year old O'Donnell trying to promote teen purity on her daily broadcast and since then the young GOP challenger from Delaware has become an overnight Youtube phenomenon.

Folks, we've all seen the videos... multiple times. We have every line of corny scripted dialogue, every bad early 90s hairdo, and every unflattering camera angle ingrained in our subconscious where it will sit in our Rolodex of things that we will never unsee. For those reasons there's no point in posting the videos yet again.

The left has been having a field day with these videos and frankly I feel sorry for the girl. Obviously these tapes were a mistake. She was fresh out of college, couldn't find a job, had student loans to pay off and saw a way to make some quick money. Maybe she met a guy at the Dennys while she was waiting tables, maybe he told her he had an acting gig for her and maybe she saw it as a quick way to earn a couple of bucks-- how she got in this situation doesn't matter. Obviously she was taken advantage of, obviously things got out of hand and obviously she was made to do things no woman should ever have to do on camera.

What was supposed to be a short student film about a single mother working two jobs to find a better life for her autistic albino son quickly turned into a sleazy attempt to get this young lady to do degrading things on film.

It's a sad reality that young and desperate women that are down on their luck and out of money are being disgraced and taken advantage of by the absolute lowest form of human scum on this planet: Moral Activists. They get you in that room with the phony potted plant, sit you down on that filthy stained couch, shine a light in your face and instruct you to read horribly-written pieces of dialogue like "if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself... then why am I in the picture?" I mean the idea of a woman trying to single-handedly stop fourteen-year-old boys from using their penises like the fire hoses those cops used to shoot black people with during the Civil Rights movement is more far-fetched than three sorority sisters having a 4-way with a pizza delivery guy because they can't pay for their pizza. Really, you don't have $10 between the three of you?

Based on the poor production quality, the awful haircuts, the cheesy music, the unbelievable premise and the cringe-worthy dialogue I think it's obvious this video was meant only to be seen by a very small cross section of America's most vile and detestable citizens. Limited to small book and video shops next to liquor stores in strip malls located in the bad part of town where men hiding inside trench coats and sunglasses look both ways to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside to quench their despicable habits, it's apparent this video was never meant to be seen by normal, well-adjusted and functioning members of society.

When she was talked into performing in this tape Christine had no idea that one day a series of tubes would bring the world instantly to our fingertips and any motion picture caught on video or film would gain a world audience. When Christine regrettably decided to participate in this degrading video there was no way of knowing one day her parents, her friends, and the entire world would see it and feel ashamed for her.

We all make mistakes, maybe we don't go on Politically Incorrect and say that it was wrong for people to lie to Nazis about hiding Jews in their homes, but we all have lapses in judgment that we hope no one else sees. How would you feel if your lowest moment was caught on tape and played on every major news show in America? These videos were obviously never supposed to be seen by people like us and I want to personally reprimand the disgusting, vile, maladjusted, bottom-feeding scumbags that lure down-on-their-luck girls to say and do deplorable things on camera for the titillation of only a few fat, ugly, girlfriendless, perverted, mentally-ill Values Voters.

Shame on you!

While I like to believe O'Donnell has learned her lesson and will never appear in an embarrassing video again, the revelations that she has been living off campaign donations and has racked up thousands in debt by not paying her staff lead me to believe that if things don't rapidly get better for the spunky young Senatorial candidate from Delaware we may see another shameful video of her on the internet spearheading a campaign to make it illegal to have sex with the lights on.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of

As election season nears the races for many Congressional and Senatorial seats are heating up. As September turns into October the debates will become more frequent, town hall meetings will spring up, and rally stages will be set in town squares all over America. Many of the candidates are relative unknowns while others are career politicians looking for another term. With so many people all running how can you possibly keep track of them all? Even if these people don't represent your district it's important to keep up-to-date on all of these elections, for who knows, perhaps the next President is currently running for a Congressional seat in Nebraska or Indiana. Today The Wash O'Hanley Show has gathered some of the most intriguing challengers and incumbents running for Congressional seats all over America and profiled them for you in a new segment I like to call "Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of."

Vern Ehlers - Republican - Michigan 3rd - Incumbent

About Him: A grizzled Vietnam Vet, Ehlers is known for once taking out an entire Platoon of VC with just a hunting knife and a sock puppet. Plagued with PTSD upon his return to an America that didn't want him, he lived in a hollowed-out tree trunk for three years while surviving off the land. Took office after his predecessor was found with his throat slashed.

Interesting Fact: If re-elected, Vern promises to fight cancer to the death in a back-alley knife fight.

Why is He Running: Isn't sure anymore, the fog of war has clouded his memory.

What He's Accomplished: Despite all the physical abuse, his district continues to vote for him because "deep down he didn't mean to hurt us and is sorry." When neighboring districts ask about the bruises, the 3rd just says it walked into a wall on accident.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to hunt down and slaughter anyone that doesn't vote for him with a crossbow.

Worst Gaffe: Called an airstrike on a town hall meeting he was holding.


Bruce Braley - Democrat - Iowa 1st - Incumbent

About Him: Braley is an old-time Democrat in the tradition of Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden, he grew up on a corn farm in Central Iowa and learned the value of a dollar while whoring himself on the streets of Kansas City as a teenager.

Interesting Fact: Due to contractual obligations, Braley must mention Best Foods™ Mayonnaise at least once in every speech or public appearance.

Why is He Running: For the ladies.

What He's Accomplished: Got Congress to recognize the sanctity of a robot-caribou relationship.

Why You Should Vote For Him: It's nice to see him out doing things.

Worst Gaffe: Calls his decision to direct the film "Smokey and the Bandit 3" his greatest moral shortcoming.


Jake Towne - Democrat - Pennsylvania 15th - Challenger

About Him: Kicked out of every college his dad could get him into in the tri-state area, Jake has set his eyes on the biggest frat house of them all: Congress.

Interesting Fact: Once woke up in a dumpster behind the Pizza Hut with the shredded carcass of a raccoon that he'd apparently consumed the previous night and all of his teeth were missing.

Why is He Running: Filled out the wrong form while registering to be a sex offender.

What He's Accomplished: In high school he had the foresight to put that Hustler Magazine Bobby Hillinger found  that they hid in the ditch behind the wall by the storm drain in a plastic bag so it wouldn't get wet when it rained.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to "sock it to those ****ing Fascists in Washington and stuff."

Worst Gaffe: Released several hungry wolverines into the audience of a debate to prove a point about out of control spending.


Ann Marie Buerkle - Republican - New York 25th - Challenger

About Her: Buerkle is a banshee who was freed from cursed bondage in an area cemetery by a group of high school teens 400 years to the day after she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

Interesting Fact: Has a very strong stance on abstinence-only eduction, in that she kills teenagers that are in the midst of sexual intercourse.

Why is She Running: To break the final curse of bondage on the tomb of Ryl'them, as foretold in the Book of the Spirits, which will flood the realm of the living with the spirits of the restless dead who will devour all of mankind in unspeakable darkness and evil.

What She's Accomplished: After getting her M.B.A. from SUNY Purchase, she turned a start-up Consulting Firm into the fourth-largest of its kind in New York State in only five years.

Why You Should Vote For Her: You shouldn't vote for her for any reason at all, but come election day she will appear to you in the voting booth in the form of a beautiful young girl and seduce you, causing you to vote for her. She will then turn back into her hideous banshee form and consume your soul.

Worst Gaffe: Accidentally said "Screw the Troops" at a rally on September 11th.


Nick Coons - Libertarian - Arizona 5th - Challenger

About Him: A regular at city council meetings for over 25 years, Nick Coons finally decided to run for Congress. Coons promises to cut down on wasteful government spending across the board; getting rid of social programs such as schools, police officers and fire fighters. Believes that all of the government's problems can be solved by "putting them in a trailer."

Interesting Fact: Lives in a 1967 Dodge Coronet and keeps all of his possessions in a stolen U-Haul trailer, which is where he gets his campaign slogan, "Put it in a Trailer."

Why is He Running: Has a plan, as detailed on the napkins in his coat pocket, to eventually move all the branches of the U.S. Government into a tractor trailer, which will save tax-payers billions of dollars a year. Coon also has his eye on the Presidency-- in that he wants to privatize the position, saving tax payers about a couple million dollars a year.

What He's Accomplished: Made it illegal to drop stink bombs into overnight parked cars at the Rite-Aid.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Is the only candidate on the ballot who has had a close encounter with the third kind.

Worst Gaffe: Made an unexpectedly reasonable and lucid comment about the state of the Scottsdale-area public school system that confused many undecided voters.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Reflections on 9/11

Well I'm certainly glad 9/11 is over and I can continue talking regularly now. I'm happy to report that in recognition of those who lost their lives in the Twin Towers on that fateful day and all of our men and women who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, I managed to make it for a full 24 hours only saying the word "9/11." In a small way this radio broadcaster was able to understand the loss and hardship that those brave people suffered as a result of terrorism as I attempted to order a KFC Double Down only using the word "9/11" in a drive through. After nearly half an hour the line of cars behind me was wrapping around the fast food franchise and the manager had to come outside so I could point at the picture menu and show him what I wanted. Never forget.


My decision to only say "9/11" yesterday hit another rough patch as I witnessed a horrific traffic accident while enjoying my KFC Double Down in the car. I called 9-1-1 but had trouble directing rescue officials to the scene of the accident only using the words "nine" and "eleven," but am happy to report that even in the heat of that terrible moment I never slipped up.