It's Your Fault if I Rape You

8/6/2010

Men, unlike women, cannot control their cravings and desires. Not all of these cravings and desires are necessarily sexual. Some men cannot control themselves around alcohol; if they see alcohol they must consume it. For others it is fixing things around the house or eating junk food. For me it's watching 24. Once Jack Bauer comes on the screen I'm no longer in control of anything: my actions, my behavior, sometimes even my bowels. I run around the house making gunshot noises while shooting an imaginary gun and kicking things over. These are compulsive behaviors that we cannot control. God gives men these shortcomings so we can overcome them, causing him to look favorably upon us.

How does a man that has a compulsive addiction to alcohol overcome it? He never puts himself in a situation where there is alcohol present. He rids his home of it and doesn't go to places like bars or parties where alcohol is prevalent.

Some men, however, are not addicted to alcohol or chocolate or black gay midget porn. Some men are addicted to having sex with attractive women. Any time they see an attractive woman dressed in a sexualized manner they are filled with lust and must have her. But while it is easy to make sure that alcohol never comes into your home and that you avoid situations where alcohol may be consumed, it is not easy to avoid situations where women will be dressed in a sinful and provocative manner. One minute you're going to the post office and the next an impromptu high school cheer leader car wash breaks out next to your car. The fact is that women have been SHOVING their HOT, SLICK, WET, SEXUAL, NUBILE, CURVY, SUPPLE YOUNG BODIES down our throats since the dawn of time and frankly we're sick of it.

It's hard enough having to be around these attractive young women, with them bending over to pick things up in front of us, sucking on a pencil at work, or eating phallic-shaped food within our view-- it's enough to drive a man crazy! Then all the sudden a loose boob pops out of a shirt and it's all over. If a man that is inclined toward compulsive sexual behavior sees something like that he is no longer in control of his actions and it is the woman's fault. After it's all over the woman acts like it was the man's fault for some reason, even though she was practically asking for it. Think about it: if there is a lust-filled man hiding in the dumpster behind the Toys R Us touching himself to the sounds of women screaming on his I-pod and then all of the sudden a provocatively-dressed woman walks by he is probably going to rape her. But consider this: if the woman had never walked down that alley the rape never would have happened in the first place. How can you blame the man for doing what he is inclined to do? And based on the fact that he was in a dark alley he in all likelihood acknowledged his problem and was going somewhere to AVOID women altogether.

So I'm just going to say this once, to any woman that may be reading this topic. Cover up those breasts. No one wants to look at them. Stop wearing such skimpy clothes in public because if a man ends up doing something to you that you aren't ready for it is no one's fault but your own.

A Letter to Embattled Model Carrie Prejean

4/22/2009

Carrie,

Hi, this is Wash O'Hanley. I'm a pretty big radio pundit and local television hero in Iowa and I'm here to give you some advice from one figure in the public eye to another. Radio pundits often say things that get blown out of proportion and made fun of publicly just like you've had your words publicly scrutinized this past week.

A lot of people have made what you've said an issue, something political, and in a way that isn't fair. This was a beauty pageant and you were asked an inherently political question. I just want to be the first person to come to your side and let you know that it isn't your fault. Don't listen to these people because they're all wrong.

A lot of people have probably told you that you have a right to your opinions and that there is nothing wrong with having your beliefs. These people are wrong. Regardless of what anyone tells you-- whether it is someone that you are a close friend with, someone you've never met, your parents or your pastor-- being opposed to same sex marriage DOES make you a bigot. You do not get to mask your bigotry behind a 2,000 year old book and somehow have it not be bigotry. You are a bigot for the things that you said on national television and people are right to make fun of you for it.

A lot of people have come forward in your defense this week to say that what you said wasn't wrong, but as it happens, they are also bigots. In fact, anyone that likes you is probably a bigot. You have been surrounded by bigots your entire life. You said that you were raised to believe what you said on that stage without the slightest hint of irony, as if everything your parents ever taught you were inherently true. I'm also here to explain to you that just because your parents taught you something does not mean it is true. Parents do not have to pass an IQ test to procreate-- in fact, most people that procreate probably couldn't pass an IQ test. Bigots procreate more than any other demographic because there aren't a lot of us out there and we are kind of pitiful people. Unlike people that aren't bigotted that get kicks out of going to craft fairs and farmers markets, bigots like to warp young children's minds. The bigot's favorite past time is sitting his or her son down and teaching them all of the messed up things that they believe. Why do you think that nearly 90% of the homeschoolers out there are bigots?

But before I go any further I think I should explain the context of the word "bigot". A lot of bad people have used the word "bigot" to make people like you and me look bad. "Bigot" isn't a bad word, a naughty word, a hurtful word. Bigot is empowering, and it reminds us of our past. Have you ever wondered why black people can say the "N" word but when I call Bernie Mac that word the day after he died on my show I get slapped with a hefty FCC fine? Bigot is a disgusting and hurtful word used against people like you and I just because we hate certain people for little to no reason. But when you turn that term around on its head it loses its power, but enables us to never forget the challenges that our bigoted ancestors faced.

Bigots carry many burdens, the greatest of which is being made fun of. But not only in your own time will you be made fun of. Because your bigotry was caught on tape and is now on youtube. Mass media has always been the greatest enemy of the bigot and the portable cell phone camera is our arch nemesis. Your bigotry is going to last through the ages. Like our grandfathers that were filmed standing up to the injustice of equal rights for black people and are now used for stock footage in Civil Rights documentaries-- you too are going to be laughed at repeatedly in 40-50 years. Some day gays are going to have the same rights as heterosexuals regardless of how hard people like you and I publicly embarass ourselves on national television crying about it. And when those gays have the same rights as us there are going to be documentaries made about their struggles (probably made by gay people) and footage of you on that stage at the Miss USA Pagaent is going to be shown and people are going to laugh at you just like they laugh at the people that protested James Meredith at his first day of school at Ole' Miss.

Stand strong, Carrie, and never let the hate out of your heart.

Sincerely,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III aka Wash O'Hanley

Godless Europe to Murder Baby

7/2/2008

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/06/27/romania.abortion/index.html

A Romanian government committee has decided to allow a pregnant 11-year-old who was raped by her teenage uncle to have an abortion, a government spokesman said Friday.
The girl is 21 weeks pregnant -- too far along to have an abortion in Romania, where the limit is 14 weeks unless the pregnancy poses problems for the mother's health, said the spokesman, who asked not to be named.
The girl's parents had said they would take their daughter to Britain for an abortion if the committee did not allow her to have one in Romania. Abortions are legal in Britain up to 24 weeks.
It was unclear whether the parents would still take the girl to Britain following the committee's decision, reached late Thursday.
Church groups have opposed an abortion for the girl, the government spokesman said. The Romanian Orthodox Church has urged the girl to keep the baby, and has said it will take care of the baby if the family wants to give it up for adoption, he said.
The uncle who raped the girl has since disappeared, the Romanian Health Ministry said. Media reports say the uncle is age 19.

For a woman, becoming pregnant and the prospect of giving birth to a child is a gift. We all know that gifts are most fun when we are not expecting them, and what could be more fun that an unplanned pregnancy? I remember for my birthday a few years back my wife bought me a car, one day I was sitting at the table eating breakfast when she came in and told me to go outside. I was skeptical at first and had my son go out first for fear of booby traps and ninjas, but after discovering the coast was clear I was greeted by a brand new BMW in my drive way. It was the greatest surprise I ever experienced. If this young lady goes ahead with the abortion it's like a slap in the face to her cousin who went through all the trouble of getting her pregnant in the first place. It's like if I went out and bought you, my humble reader, a brand new Kashmir sweater only for you to return it the next day. 

Hannah Montana is in Bed With Satan!

2/10/2008

Folks, what I am about to describe to you may seem shocking and horrific and as such I suggest that all women and children close their browsers immediately and pray for our salvation. In my thirty plus years of broadcasting I have never witnessed such an insidious threat to America as Hannah Montana (who, I found out after several days of researching, isn't even from Montana). There is no doubt in my mind after seeing and hearing what I have this week that this Hannah Montana is the manifestation of Lucifer himself, using upbeat pop music to recruit 13 year old girls into a lifestyle of sin and evil. It was the perfect plan, too... until I foiled it.



My story starts early last week when an anonymous listener/hero going by the name "Tom" called my show to tip me off that when you play the song "Pumpin' up the Party" by Hannah Montana backwards you unlock satanic messages that encourage children to worship Satan. Reluctant at first I did as the listener asked and played the song in reverse-- what happened next was both shocking and terrifying. When the lines "Together we can make it flow/Thats what we'll do" are played backwards a demonic and menacing voice can clearly and distinctly be heard saying "Throw your God away/ and follow me/ the beast is your only savior/ six six six six six six six six six six six six six".

Upon hearing this horrific ballad I retreated to my private bathroom and hid in the handicapped stall for several hours until an intern was sent in to fetch me. After incapacitating him with a toilet plunger my producer and three security guards were called in and brought me back to my senses with elephant tranquilizers. With CD in hand I visited researchers of the demonic at Landover University. They were more than happy to take a look at the evidence I had brought in as their project of finding demons living within the celluloid rolls of Bambi cassette tapes had thus far proven futile in the 15 years that they had been undergoing their investigation.

"What we have here is a classic case of Satanic possession over a piece of popular music" said researcher Herald Timmons of Landover University. "Often times Satan will mask his teachings into popular music in reverse phonetics so the listener cannot pick up the message immediately, but once you have heard it, the message seeps into your subconscious."

Dr. Timmons also speculates that this discovery could shed new light on the growing witchcraft fad in America.

"This, teamed with Harry Potter and other Satanic media, could very well explain why so many children hate Jesus now-a-days. Satan loves to hide in music where parents have a difficult time protecting their children."



After spending some 48 consecutive hours studying the Hannah Montana CD researchers discovered another startling revelation: Hannah Montana's self-titled first album syncs perfectly with the 1976 documentary film "The Exorcist".

"When the CD is started at the same time as the film there is no debate that the two sync together perfectly, scene for scene. As someone that has studied demons and Satan for over 20 years now there is no doubt in my mind that Hannah Montana is being used as a vessel for Satan to bring anti-Christian messages to impressionable and stupid young girls. Like Reagan in The Exorcist, Hannah Montana is no longer in control of her actions and is a mouth piece for the dark lord himself. If these girls follow the messages that she is endorsing we could see a sharp increase in teen debauchery, such as teenage girls intentionally getting pregnant so they can abort the fetus and use in various satanic sexual acts."



In response to this breaking story Freehold, Iowa has ordered that all copies of Hannah Montana albums be burned in front of Landover Baptist Church on Sunday the 10th at 2:00pm. Additionally, a warrant has been put out within the town for Hannah Montana's arrest. While her capture alive will garner a hefty cash reward, townspeople are not discouraged from killing her if necessary.

UPDATE: this picture makes her agenda clear:

Benazir Bhutto is a Rude Bitch

12/28/2007

Folks, I am so mad right now my hands are shaking with anger. Not since last week when I got loaded and punched Nelson Mandela in the face have I been as embarrassed as I am right now! Bhutto made me look like an idiot in front of all of my listeners today when she snubbed my show. I had her lined up to do an interview-- and it took me months to get her to agree to do my show and the big day comes and she snubs me! I have been in the field of journalism and news for over 30 years and NEVER have I witnessed such unprofessional behavior from anyone, let alone a person of her prestige! I would expect this kind of shabby treatment from a drunkard and washed up has-been like Dan Quayle but not Benazir Bhutto. I was left out there with nothing... NOTHING! We just replayed some timeless commentary from the Salvadoran Civil War while I went to my dressing room and had a vicodin-fueled freak out and destroyed all of my furniture and completely trashed the place.

Benazir Bhutto- YOU'VE MADE MY LIST, LITTLE WOMAN! YOU BETTER HOPE I NEVER RUN INTO YOU ON THE STREET OR IT WILL BE THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. I'LL TEACH YOU TO STAND ME UP.

Hopefully tomorrow's interview with Dan Quayle will go smoother.