"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Friday, August 27, 2010

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ
August 27, 2009

Brooklyn, NY-- Christian missionaries from the Landover Baptist Church have hit a roadblock in their efforts to bring the word of Christ to the people of Brooklyn, as they are completely unable to tell if the ironic hipsters of the New York City borough are actually serious about their interest to learn about Jesus.

Hipsters are a subculture of city-dwelling twenty-to-forty-year-old's who are marked by their self-perceived creativity, outlandish and vintage sense of fashion, appreciation of independent music and films, and irritating ironic personalities.

The trouble all started when efforts to convert the artistic and well-educated scenesters were met with overwhelming success.

"The figures right now are drastically different than any other region or demographic group we’ve come across in the past," explained missionary John Carlton of Freehold, Iowa. "These are young people coming from upper-middle class families who hold college degrees, yet our success rate has been dubiously high."

Traditionally young Caucasians with college educations are near-impossible to witness to, but the ironic New York hipsters can't seem to get enough of the message these missionaries deliver.

Carlton continued, "On a good day we may be lucky and convert an old Korean woman at the senior center or a strung-out meth addict at the homeless shelter, but to get these kinds of numbers from this demographic is unreal." Carlton added, "Right now we're getting eight out of every ten people we speak with to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. To put that number into perspective: during our trip to Mozambique last winter we were only converting six out of every ten people, and we were giving them food and water in exchange for their testimony."

Missionary to Brooklyn John Carlton can't decide if he's just saved three souls or been made fun of.

While the Christians are winning a high ratio of hipster souls, many of them are worried about the sincerity of the people they are witnessing to.

"I spent an hour yesterday at an organic fair-trade vegan sidewalk bistro eating $30 hand-crafted artisan arugula tacos with a young girl wearing a granny dress and a pair of non-prescription thick-framed bifocals. After I stressed the dangers of hell and her eternal soul she said 'Suuuuuuuuure, I'll become a Christian,'” explained college sophomore and church member Becky Gilmore. “While at first I was exhilarated to win my first soul, it dawned on me that something about her tone sounded insincere.”

Many of the hipsters the team has converted did so with smirks on their faces while others tweeted during the Lord's Prayer and took pictures of themselves with the missionaries for their Myspace pages.

Caleb Norwood, a bicycle coffee deliver boy and freelance part time DJ went so far as to call all of his friends to come watch him get baptized.

"It was really difficult to concentrate on the ceremony with all of his friends hysterically laughing the whole time," said John Carlton.

The missionaries were especially taken aback by how many of the ironic hipsters have never even heard of Jesus Christ.

"We knew the situation was going to be bad going in, but we had no idea how dire the reality was," said Nolan Mason, a member of the group. "To speak with white twenty to thirty year old men and women of apparent middle-class upbringings in the American Midwest that have flat out never heard the name Jesus Christ is truly heart-breaking."

"Skinny white guy, long brown hair, beard, white robe, turned water into wine, fed an entire village with one loaf of bread, walked on water, died and then resurrected," an exasperated and sweating Carlton preached to a dumbfounded-looking audience on a street in Bushwick. "None of this is ringing a bell?"

Roughly 95% of the hipsters the team have encountered were totally unaware of Jesus Christ, even as a historical figure, while a scant 5% confused him with various pop culture figures from the 1980s including John Hinkley Junior, Conan the Barbarian and the robot from Short Circuit.

"Jesus Christ? He was the actor from that sitcom about the guy who pretended to be gay so he could live with two female roommates, right?" Park Slope resident Meghan Ryan asked.

“They’re so quaint and authentic,” Josh Watson, the bearded bassist for the underground post-rock band Al Gore and part time freelance graphic designer explained. “Having people like them around reminds me of my boyhood days in Wisconsin. The least we can do is humor them.”

Tonight the missionaries pack up and fly back to Iowa, unsure if their mission was an overwhelming success or abject failure. When asked if they were excited about how many new souls they had brought to Christ the missionaries huddled up for a long time and finally replied with “We don’t know.” While the results of this trip have been a mixed bag, the Christians are looking forward to their trip to Chicago in November, where they will witness to improvisational sketch comics.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ground Zero Mosque, the First Amendment and the 14th Amendment (for some reason)

It doesn't surprise me in the least that thick-skulled Liberals and terrorist Muslims are hiding behind the First Amendment on the issue of the Ground Zero Mosque as evidence that it should be erected. While the Bill of Rights does protect the free exercise of any religion, you must understand the context in which it was written.

Consider the 14th Amendment for a moment. The 14th Amendment states in section 1 that:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 

Now I'll admit, it SOUNDS like this Amendment is saying that a person from another country can come to America, have a baby, and that baby is an American citizen. I'll give you that. It does SOUND like that. But the truth of the matter, as explained by Professor Glenn Beck, is far more complicated:

Okay. We are the only country in the world that has anchor babies and do you know why we have anchor babies? We have anchor babies because the Democrats in Reconstruction tried to say, "Oh, well, you can free the slaves, but they're not citizens. So when they have a baby, the baby's got to go back to Africa." Really, Democrats? That's that was as good as you had? That's what it was. That's why we had anchor babies. We had to put that into the Constitution so you couldn't claim that they weren't citizens. Well, now, look what it's turned into. There was no Sunset on that. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/44444/ 

That's right, the 14th Amendment was added to the Constitution after the Civil War to protect the children of freed slaves because the Democrats wanted to send them back to Africa for not being American citizens. This Amendment protected those children as being American citizens so they could continue to live with their parents while they got their rap careers/urban wear companies started. Unfortunately our founding fathers who wrote this Amendment after the Civil War in 1868 didn't have the foresight (due in some part, one would assume, to the fact that most of our founding fathers were in their late hundred and twenties by 1868) to include a date on which this Amendment would no longer be valid. As a result, people from all over the world, many of whom terrorists, have breached our borders in the vulnerable Arizona and Texas regions to have terrorist anchor babies who they will raise to hate America.

What does all of this have to do with the First Amendment? Just like the 14th Amendment, which our decrepit and senile founding fathers forgot to pen with a sunset clause, the First Amendment was also supposed to only apply to a certain group and expire at a certain time.

You must understand the context of the First Amendment and why it was included in the Bill of Rights in the First place. Why was America even founded in the first place? The first colonists to reach Plymouth Rock in 1620 had come here for the specific purpose of escaping religious intolerance in their own land, and to develop a society that was accepting of all faiths. But I ask you, humble listeners, what faith was most prevalent in those days? If you answered with "Christianity" you're correct! The pilgrims were all Christians, the colonists were all Christians and all of our American patriots of that era were Christians. When the first Amendment was penned in the Bill of Rights the markings on those pages were being made by hands that had witnessed religious persecution for being a certain sect of Christianity, and with the swiping of that feather they abolished the idea of Christian persecution at the hands of a governing body in this country until Obama was elected President.

Unfortunately, like the 14th Amendment, the First Amendment didn't come with a sunset clause either. No American Christian living today has been subject to religious persecution in their state (unless you consider being arrested for attempting to kidnap Terri Shiavo's dormant body out of a Florida hospice days before her death to be religious persecution). But like the 14th Amendment, which says that anyone born in America is an American citizen, but means something completely different, so too does the First Amendment say one thing and mean something else. Let's take a look at the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Now I will concede that the part I put in bold does sound like there are no Constitutional Grounds on which to prevent the building of the Mosque on top of the site where the World Trade Centers once stood, but take a look at my changes, added in red, that clarify exactly what the founders intended:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of the Christian religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 
Our founding fathers knew of no Muslims because they weren't around in America at that time. They didn't have the foresight to include special provisions for special religions that didn't exist in America at that time. Had our founding fathers known that Muslims would soon overrun our major cities and gain a monopoly on the taxi-driving industry things would most certainly have been different. Case in point: go look at any painting depicting an American street or city in colonial times. Notice any street vendors selling Falafels? Me neither.

The First Amendment, as our founding fathers envisioned it, did not include Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Mormons or Catholics. The rights ensured to all citizens in that hallowed document were only meant to be extended to people of the Christian faith, and in light of this I, and many other Conservatives, believe it is time to rethink and re-write this Amendment to the form that our founding fathers truly wanted it.

You may be saying: "But Wash, I thought you've said on numerous occasions back in 2008 that the Constitution is not a living document?" This is true, the Constitution is NOT a living document, but there are still grounds on which we may change the words on this document if it is necessary. For the Constitution is not a dead document either. That's right, the Constitution is neither living nor dead... the Constitution is UNDEAD; rising from the sweet embrace of the grave to wander the streets of our fair cities, it's only form of sustenance the brains of our slower, fatter and dumber citizens as huddled bands of survivors live on rooftops and cellars, hording whatever food and weapons they can amass in anticipation of that one last battle.

The only way to stop the Constitution at this point is to separate its brain from its body, and when you do that, getting rid of the 14th Amendment and preventing the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque on political grounds makes a lot more sense.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wash O'Hanley Show News Minute With Russ Savage - 8/20/2010

The Wash O'Hanley Show is Looking for 1 Intern


As the summer leaves us, almost as soon as it came, it is time for school to begin. From mid-August through the end of September Universities around America will open their hallowed gates and resume business as usual. All students, from the scared and wide-eyed freshmen to even the most unmotivated and inebriated Communications majors entering their third "senior" year will have an opportunity to start anew with the idea that the world is theirs for the taking.

While we currently find ourselves mired in an economic Holocaust that will consume and destroy all of these hopeful young men and women the minute they receive their diplomas like the soldiers getting off the boats at Normandy, who are we to tell these Journalism, History and Social Sciences majors that their outlook is grim at best and they will soon be reduced to fighting tooth-and-nail for what few positions still exist in local retail outlets? The poor economy has allowed employers to demand more of potential employees: more experience, better education; all for less money, which is leaving recent college graduates out to dry as they cannot compete with adults that have been in the workforce for five or six years while they were in college. This taking advantage of, and throwing of this generation of recent college graduates under the bus is disgusting and unacceptable for a country like America. We need to help these young men and women so they can start a career and get their lives going.

The Wash O'Hanley Show has enjoyed a long tradition of employing unpaid college interns for many years now, giving them the tools, education, and practical work experience necessary to make it in the radio broadcast industry. It is with great honor that we begin the search for our Fall 2010 intern, who will work on a daily basis next to Wash O'Hanley: South-Eastern Iowa's #1 voice in Conservative Radio Political Punditry.* Get hands-on experience in the world of radio broadcasting as you do exciting tasks like getting the writers coffee, answering phones, picking up lunch, running errands to the office supply store, and enduring verbal and physical abuse from Wash O'Hanley whenever he has a bad day.

What can an internship at The Wash O'Hanley Show do for you?

  • Invaluable on-the-job training that will help you find a career in a high-paying job straight out of college.
  • A free tee-shirt or key chain.
  • FREE trip to National Association of Broadcasters Convention in Las Vegas, NV (flight, accommodation and food costs not included).
  • Many of our interns have earned paying positions upon graduation.
  • 20% discount at local participating Qdoba and Panera Bread locations in the Des Moines area.
  • A great resume builder.
  • Signed head shot of Wash O'Hanley ($20 dollar value, yours for only 10!)
Our past interns have landed successful and lucrative positions at several Fortune 500 companies including Best Buy, Starbucks and Wal*Mart.


  • MUST be a current college student enrolled at an accredited University or College (no University of Pheonix losers) with a focus on radio, journalism, media, or similar major.
  • 7-10 years coffee-making experience.
  • MUST have a reliable form of transportation.
  • Ability to order fast food from a drive-thru.
  • MUST be able to commit 40 hours a week (overtime is also expected).
  • 3-5 years of professional paid work experience in the radio industry, preferably in operating sound equipment, mixing boards and call boards.
  • Master's Degree in radio broadcast strongly preferred.
  • Ability to lift 250+ lbs
  • Intimate knowledge of Iowa's underground human organ black market preferred but not required.
  • Experience working in an office setting is strongly preferred.
  • Ability to keep mouth shut required.
This internship is unpaid and for college credit only!

If you think you have what it takes to make it in the fast-paced world of radio broadcasting send a resume, cover letter, letter of recommendation from your local congressperson, a list of your current intellect, stamina and agility stat points, and three professional or academic references to Washohanley24@gmail.com (attachments will be deleted). Qualified candidates will be called and asked to come in to fill out an application and submit to a litmus test, drug test and background check. Interviews will begin August 30th in our Des Moines office. Training will begin on September 2nd and will require a non-refundable $250 payment. Upon completion of training the most qualified candidate will be chosen as our intern.

So what are you waiting for? Your future starts TODAY!

* of 2004

Wash Debates Bible's Authenticity


"How can you belive something just because a book says so?" -Mr. Fool
What would the authors have to gain by making a forgery? What would the alleged human authors, as you believe (in lieu of God, which we believe to be true), possibly have to gain by writing a book such as the Bible as complete fiction? What could they possibly achieve by writing such an outrageous tome that includes talking burning bushes, people turning into pillars of salt, dead bodies being reanimated and a man turning water into wine? Either all of those things happened, and the Bible has divine authorship, or they didn't and the Bible was written by a bunch of ancient tent-dwelling middle eastern goat-herders that would let their goats pee on their faces to fulfill some sick sexual fantasy. Now you have to consider what is more likely: a man walking across a very deep body of water or someone making up a story about a man walking across a deep body of water (for no reason). I, and all of the Christians in the world, believe that the former is the more feasible option.

Likewise you must consider all works of the written word in this equation. What purpose would J.K. Rowling have in making up the world of Harry Potter? What is in it for her to make up the magical world of Hogwarts with all of its interesting characters and page-turning adventure that has captivated readers both young and old? There is nothing in it for her to make up a story like that. Obviously the only explanation is that Hogwarts and Harry Potter are real, which is why the United States Government must find Harry Potter and the other witches and wizards of Hogwarts so they can conduct tests on them and utilize their powers in military weapon defense before the radicalized Islamists get to it (to be fair, the halftime stoning of harlots would be a refreshing addition to the game of Quidditch, though). Word on the street is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very close to enriching a level one love spell. Once he cracks the magic wand matrix... well I don't have to tell you what's going to happen. Let's just say that the new He Who Shall Not Be Named will have that moniker because it will literally be too hard to pronounce his name.

"Dark Lord Aaban Abdul Allyi Sa'ood Bashir Hujjaya... forget it, we'll call him 'He Who Shall Not Be Named.'"

Many people have laughed at me for getting my "panties in a bunch" over books like Twilight and Harry Potter because, as they say: "they are just works of fiction." But the problem with that is I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS STUFF IS REAL! I honestly believe there is a high school in Oregon somewhere that has a lonely girl that is currently in the throes of a tumultuous relationship with a mysterious vampire and a teenage werewolf... and it scares the crap out of me!

As a Christian I must believe every word that is written in every book ever penned, or the Bible means nothing. Otherwise I've just wasted my entire life searching every corner of the globe for Waldo. 

Wash Debates Catholic


Hey there friend,

The problem of paedophilia in the church has been most unfortunate but I would stress that only a tiny minority of priests have ever been involved in sexual abuse. I see also my friend that Pope Benedict is the 'Kiddie-Fiddler of Vatican City'. Sir I must stress to you that this is a totally inaccurate attack, the holy father is never been involved in that and has always acted quickly and consistently to deal with abusers in the strongest possible way. There is so much misunderstanding about what the church stands for and what it does and does not tolerate.
-The Cantabrian 
You say this like the pedophilia outbreak in the Catholic Church is some recent thing and not some ongoing catastrophe that's been building up to a boiling point for probably Centuries at this time. The Catholic Church could tomorrow change their entire dogma and doctrine and everything they believe in to just: "The goal of the Catholic Church is to make sure that every 13 year old boy on the entire globe has a rectum more stretched out than the skin on Kirstie Alley's thighs after eating a wheelbarrow full of Rocky Road ice cream" and no one would believe you that they just changed it. The overwhelming consensus among regular folk would be "I thought that's what they always believed in."

You're right about the Pope being consistent on pedophile Priests though, it seems like if you're a priest and you diddle a child and get caught you end up with a better job. At this point it seems like fondling a 12 year old boy's nut sack isn't so much a tragic misuse of power by an authority figure as much as it is a resume builder.

Small Catholic Church in Irish country side seeks Priest to lead flock.

Ph.D. in religion.
Preferred 3-5 years of experience leading a moderately-sized Catholic Church
MUST have 3-4 years of nutsack fondling experience
Experience covering up nutsack fondling preferred but not required.

Pay is DOE

A Guide to Christian Filmmaking


We can sit here all day and come up with lists of things we don't want in movies until the cows come home, but that isn't going to stop Hollywood from putting them in their blockbuster movies. The fact of the matter is that graphic sex, the naked human body, profanity, violence against white people, and blasphemy are all cornerstones of the film industry and they put butts in the seats. Hollywood studios make billions of dollars a year putting out films that are not safe for the moral fiber of this nation and nothing is going to stop that until the public stops paying to see these films. Some Conservatives have bemoaned the lack of censorship, but unless you're willing to curtail our First Amendment rights given to us in the Bill of Rights this will never happen. Other Conservative Christians wondered why there aren't more Christian Conservative voices within the Hollywood system (hint: it's the same reason there aren't a lot of homosexual voices in the industrial farm equipment industry). With all of that in mind, it shouldn't be the goal of the far right to censor the voices of Hollywood screenwriters, directors and actors because they will never bend to our demands, not as long as the mouth-breathing masses are willing to pay $10 to watch the same black cop/white cop movie, the same Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston-driven romantic comedy, or teen movie starring Michael Cera as a socially-awkward teenage boy that wants to lose his virginity to a hipster vampire. No, the answer to the problem of the moral vacuum that is Hollywood is not to encourage the blind who are holding the reins to do as we please, but to take the reins and make our own films that glorify Christ, instill viewers young and old with the moral standards that God wishes of us and uplift the spirit. It's entirely likely that a Christian American will spend more time in their life chained to the door of a theater, preventing teenage girls from seeing the new Vampire-Romance movie than they will inside a theater watching movies, but it doesn't have to be like that and Christians should not have to publicly embarrass themselves to evoke social chance.

Below is a list of ideas and themes that I believe must be found in every Christian film. Hopefully this will open a dialogue and possibly lead to some great things. Who knows, maybe one day our humble church, sitting upon what little we bring in on a week-to-week basis will be able to make a film that will rival even the most CGI-heavy films coming out of Hollywood and convince producers that a film doesn't have to be crass, distasteful, or competently-made to make a lot of money. I mean, just look at movies geared toward black audiences if you aren't convinced that people will see any piece of garbage movie as long as it is geared toward their social group.

Aesthetics of Christian Filmmaking: The Necessary Aspects
By Wash O'Hanley

So you've decided you want to be a Christian filmmaker. It's not going to be easy and the road to success is littered with the carcasses of utter failures. You're going to need a script, but everyone has a script and getting it read isn't going to be easy. Most screenwriters are abject failures that never make a cent off their creativity and spend their adult lives waiting tables and drinking themselves to an early grave. Don't be one of them! Below are a handful of helpful steps that you must follow if you wish to get your screenplay or movie into the hands of people that will put it in the theaters. Just remember, while the odds may be tough, you have a ghost on your side: the holy ghost.

1. Story and Characters

Story is the second most important aspect of determining how good a film is after computer-generated imagery and is pivotal in the movie culture war.

All movies should include the following key points:

- The story must glorify God and must instruct the viewer that the only way to salvation is through his only son Jesus Christ: who died for our sins and rose on the third day in fulfillment of the Scripture. Alternative, fringe, new age cults such as Islam and Buddhism must be presented in a negative light and characters that have not found Christ should feel empty and depressed. Also, all villains must be non-Christians.

- The views of the Republican Party must be shown as a positive character trait. The hero of the film must be politically active and should be seen participating in political rallies for right-wing candidates, going door to door handing out fliers, and defeating liberals in debates, even if it slows down the pace of the film or has nothing to do with the plot in any way.

-The hero of the film should always have easily recognizable traits so viewers don't get confused and root for the wrong guy. The hero should be a white male or female. He or she should be a Born-Again Christian that is an active member of his or her church. He or she should be active in local government and believes in the policies of the GOP. Your hero should be sexually pure and never gives into temptations; audiences are hungry for a hero that never has sex outside of marriage.

- Villains, on the other hand, should be non-Christians that believe in Liberal policies and actively look to destroy the American dream for everyone else. Villains are often obsessed with greed, jealously, and perversion. Bad guys should have curly hair, giant hooked noses and big moles on their faces so viewers know they are bad guys. They should also be seen rubbing their hands together and laughing constantly in a wicked manner all the time. Villains should also have darker skin complexion than the hero so they are easy to tell apart. Because showing a character sinning is sinning you can't actually show or talk about your bad guys doing bad things, but by alluding to it with shifty eyes and big ugly noses and dark skin complexions your audience will know these guys aren't to be trusted.

- If the film is centered around a character that starts as a bad guy, but through the power of the holy ghost turns into a good guy, have his skin change from dark to light. The transformation will prove to be a powerful metaphor that will surely not be lost on the audience.

The plot should always involve a hero that does extraordinary feats because of his love of Christ. This is the part where the true creativity of the writer comes out. The possible plots for Christian films are literally endless, and here are three original frameworks that all Christian movies must be based around:

- A character is thinking about killing himself, but then an angel shows him what the world would be like without him.

- A man loses his son while on a camping trip, prays to God, then finds him.

- A group of futuristic scientists working for an off-planet mining company seek to mine a coveted element that is located underneath the city of an ancient alien race. They convert the aliens to Jesus, tear down their occult tree and mine the element.

- Leviticus: The Movie

The possibilities are endless!

2. Dialogue

Dialogue is defined by Webster's Dictionary as the process in which the cervix widens in anticipation of childbirth, but in the movie world it is the stuff that the characters say. Dialogue in Hollywood movies is filled with bad language, sexual innuendo and comedy: all of which are frowned upon in the Christian community. Without dialogue your characters don't have a voice, and here are a few examples of how a Christian screenwriter can spice up their dialogue:

- Characters should often talk about Jesus. Let's say you've set up a scene where a group of characters are having a business meeting. While talking about accounts and mergers, have one character bring up Jesus Christ and then have all the other characters accept him as their savior. This is especially useful if you run into a roadblock and don't know how to finish a scene.

- Cliches are cliches because they are popular. Characters should constantly be saying cliches because cliches are proven to be effective dialogue that viewers enjoy to hear.

- Villains should speak languages like Russian, Spanish or Islam so the viewer is skeptical and distrustful of them.

- Don't use foul language. If you must, use euphemisms. Have characters say things like "I'm gonna kick that mother frazzle's butt" or "I want you to deepthroat my ten inch corndog." That's dialogue the whole family can enjoy!

- God doesn't have a sense of humor. I don't remember there being any jokes in the Bible, so don't put them in your script. No one likes humor.

3. Use and Overuse Computer-Generated Imagery

Audiences love movies that are heavy on CGI. Whenever possible, include a scene that would involve some CGI. Even if you're writing a serious dramatic screenplay about the strained bonds between a young girl and her emotionally-distant alcoholic uncle that she must live with after the death of her parents, include a hilarious Jamaican-sounding, back-talking, CGI Pandacoon (a raccoon-panda) that follows the girl around all the time. The audiences will love it!

- Every scene should include at least one explosion. If it doesn't seem like a scene needs an explosion, you're wrong: throw one in there.

- CGI popular characters from other movies into your movie. Audiences will love seeing made-up characters like Jack Bauer, Neo from the Matrix, or Ray Charles on screen.

Also, everything must be in 3-D.

4. Shake the Camera All the Time!

Shaking the camera is the new hip thing to do and no film is complete without it. Name one action movie that has come out since Saving Private Ryan that hasn't used this technique. But don't think that only action, sci-fi and horror films are limited to using the shaky-cam aesthetic. During the dramatic dinner scene between the young girl and her emotionally-distant uncle where she confronts him about his lack of faith and alcoholism, put the camera on a paint shaker and watch as your sequence becomes grittier and more realistic. It's like your audience is right there in the room watching the events unfold and they have severe Parkinson's.

5. Ending Your Movie

The ending of the movie is the part that everyone remembers the most, and your script needs to end with a bang that leaves viewers sweating, panting, unable to walk straight for a few days, and wanting more. This is the final showdown between your hero and his enemy, and is the point in the film when he finally defeats him!

- Once your hero has killed the bad guy, have the bad guy come back to life no fewer than 4 times. Audiences love it when the good guy thinks the bad guy is dead but then the bad guy lunges at the good guy and the fight must continue. Milk this concept for all it's worth and have the bad guy repeatedly come back from the dead, only to be vanquished again.

- Your hero must find the strength to defeat the odds through Christ. When he's at his lowest point, your hero needs to recognize that all truth and power comes through the one true God and his only begotten son, giving him the strength to finally overcome the odds and defeat the ultimate evil. In fact, have you hero in a situation where it is impossible for him to get out of and then have God help him get out of it. It's called "Deus ex machina" and it literally means "God in the machine." For example: have your character tied to a chair while the bad guy points a gun at his head, but then have a bolt of lightning strike the bad guy dead. The story ends on a good note and it's just good writing.


Well there you have it, folks: a comprehensive guide to movie making for the Christian filmmaker. This is everything you need to be the next great director, who will harken a new era of moral filmmaking that will inspire the mind and fill the soul. Now get out there and change the world!

Wash on Ground Zero Mosque


Jeb. Now I know some thick-skulled Liberal nimrods are gonna say that us Conservatives have no business making a fuss over what goes on in Jew York City since we don't come from there, hate everyone that does, and have never even so much as visited the state that bears its name, and to be honest, all of that is true. Now I know us Conservative (True) Americans don't give two hoots about the City of New York since it isn't a part of the Real America, but Gosh darnitt, it's still part of America; just like Puerto Rico, Guantanamo Bay and Iraq. Now if New York City were to all the sudden be swept away in a giant tidal wave like in so many disaster movies (which all had black people playing the president, I remind you) I doubt any of us would even notice, and to be frank, I don't think anyone would care after they did. But while New York may be like the strange male cousin we all have who played with Barbies growing up and has brought the same male "roommate" to Thanksgiving for the last 5 years it is still a part of this country, just not a really important part like, say, West Virginia or Montana, and we cannot sit idly by as it gets taken over by the Muslim infestation.

Now I don't know about the rest of you but it sounds like, from this article Jeb has posted that this isn't going to be just another Muslim Community Center where a bunch of old towel heads sit around chanting "death to America" while playing Bingo and watching episodes of the Lawrence Welk show.

The glass-and-steel building - which would also include a 500-seat performing arts venue, a swimming pool and a basketball court - would be built two blocks from the World Trade Center site, in the old Burlington Coat Factory.
A performing arts venue? A swimming pool? A basketball court? No sir, this doesn't sound at all like a community center, unless you consider beheading American citizens on camera to be "performance art." The only community these "people" are trying to build is a terrorist one! These Moose-limbs are gonna go right down to the streets, pluck up young and impressionable children and then train them in their state-of-the-art terrorist training complex right in the heart of New York City, and we cannot let that happen!

Isn't it obvious, folks? This is the new wave of Islamo-fascist fundamentalist terrorism-- and it's completely home-grown! These terrorists are planning on destroying America from the inside, by hijacking not our planes, but our institutions, and not by destroying our buildings, but by destroying the fabric of what made America such a great nation. Sure a performing arts center and a basketball court and a swimming pool sound harmless enough, but think about the unspeakable evil that will result in giving this technology to Islamic fundamentalists, who, due to living in barren deserted hellscapes, have up until this point been unable to enrich such technology on their own land.

The only reason Muslims don't participate in swimming competitions is because they lack the infrastructure to build something like a swimming pool. With access to swimming pools young Muslim men will become a force in the world of competitive swimming. I mean, who would want to compete against a guy strapped with 10 pounds of C4? They'll win every race and take away swimming dominance on a global setting from the Americans. Pretty soon all the records for Olympic Swimming are going to be held by some guy named Al'Michael Siad Phelps-Bashir, and if you thought it was scary having to worry about catching AIDS in a public swimming pool, consider how scary it would be to catch Islam! Although, for fair measure, Marco-Polo will be a lot funner with the introduction of roadside bombs.

The theater is one of America's strongest cultural institutions and the art of film making was born in the streets of our fair cities. Heed my warning when I tell you that exposing fundamentalist Muslims to such a powerful medium as performing arts will be catastrophic for America. Becoming masters of the craft of acting, the terrorists will infiltrate our society, gain our trust, and then destroy us from the inside out-- all while scooping up every Emmy, Oscar and Tony award along the way! And if you thought Halle Berry's Oscar speech was bad, just wait until Osama Bin Laden wins Best Actor in a Leading Role for his portrayal of Henry IV and his acceptance speech is him in front of a cave wall reading a manifesto for two and a half hours. They'll try to cut him off with the Orchestra but insurgents will have the conductor hostage with a sword to his throat! The only good thing that will come out of the evening is Joan Rivers being blown up by an IED after putting Osama on her worst-dressed list ("I guess I would've also thought that turban went with those robes if I had been living in a cave for the last 10 years").

But perhaps most startling is what access to basketball will do to fundamentalist Islam and America. America is a force in Basketball and it is no wonder why; just listen to any post-game interview with a basketball player that was on the winning team and they will paint the picture perfectly for you. "I want to thank God for letting us win" they will often say. Of course they are talking about the Christian God and of course, by winning the game they have proven that the God of the Christian Bible is the one and only true God. America currently possesses the greatest arsenal of human beings whose sole purpose in life is to throw a basketball through a hoop and get paid millions of dollars to do so. But the average day for a professional basketball isn't just shooting a ball through a hoop. In fact, practicing only takes up a small percentage of their daily activities. While they are immensely talented, consider how much better American basketball players would be if all they did 24/7 was play basketball instead of drinking Hennessy "up in da club" while their penis penetrates a myriad of underage up-and-coming super model vagina. They would be unstoppable. Known for their tireless work-ethic, reverence of authority and blind acceptance of orders, Muslim basketball players will quickly rise to the top in the basketball world. While our basketball players will spend their off season snorting lines of coke off the rear ends of Dominican prostitutes and working on crappy rap albums their Muslim counterparts will work tirelessly to improve their shooting average and half-court defense. Within a few seasons the Muslim basketball team that will come out of this new community center will dominate the league and in every post game interview who will they thank for giving them the strength to put a thorough beat down on their American rivals? Allah. By letting Muslims have access to basketball courts we are in danger of proving that Islam is the one true religion.

With the combination of swimming, acting and basketball training under their belts our new home-grown Muslim extremists will be unstoppable as they take to the streets of America, laying waste to our off-Broadway acting venues and midnight basketball tournaments. Without sounding like an alarmist that has resorted to hyperbole: I fear that there will be no America within 4 years of this Muslim Community Center being build, and as Americans we need to do everything in our power to making sure it never gets built.