VAIL, CO - As hundreds of sodomites descended on the town of Vail for the resort's first ever gay ski week, God's fury was unleashed upon the small city. Throughout the entire week a truly Biblical snowstorm buried the town, effectively ruining the plans the homosexuals had cooked up. By week's end there was nearly 10 inches of fresh snow covering the mountain and city.
Landover Baptist Christians were on hand to protest, but the lousy weather made any protest redundant. "We could stand out here all day and shout at these turd burglars, but I think the storm God has sent will speak louder than any voice or catchy sign," explained BASH Ministry member Wally Holden.
"I think we can all agree that Gay Ski Week was a complete failure," boasted Holden as he looked out on the wintry landscape, covered in a thick layer of new snow from the previous night. "I don't know anyone that would want to go outside in conditions like these!"
Christian persecution was constantly present, as all of the protesters were denied access to the lifts while attempting to bring their message of love (but mostly hate) to the top of the mountain. "This resort has refused to let us ride their chairlifts because we're Christians," shouted enraged protester Jack Johnson. "Actually, it is because we don't allow foot passengers to ride the lifts, and they refused to purchase lift tickets," rebutted a security guard that asked to remain anonymous. The anti-gay protesters were planning on standing across and blocking a section of the Born Free run, one of the most heavily-trafficked parts of the mountain, but decided to instead form a human chain across the entrance to the Riva Bahn chairlift maze. Security was called soon after.
Other problems were encountered as the Christians were unable to tell the gay skiers apart from the straight ones. "Everyone looks gay in ski gear," explained Protester and mother of 14 Mary Shelton, pointing out numerous skiers wearing carefully-chosen matching neon skiing costumes. "When you see someone out on the streets wearing a neon orange coat and a pair of purple pants you know they're gay, but out here it seems to be the norm."
Among the week's festivities was a lesbian wrestling competition, which all the male Christian protesters attended in order to observe what kind of unrighteousness occurs during such a week. "The debauchery on display was startling, I'm surprised God didn't just crush that whole building with all of us inside," protester Nathan Hardgrove said.
"At one point I became so distressed by all the gyrating, pulsating, grabbing, jello, fondling and exposed flesh I accidentally ejaculated in my pants," an ashamed Christian protester who asked to remain anonymous said.
The Christians planned on attending an organized game of "hide the fist" that was being held at a local bar later in the week, but had to miss it due to leaving early. "I'm disappointed to miss that," said Hardgrove. "I'm really good at finding things."
Eventually the Christian protesters had no choice but to seek refuge in a local A&W fast food restaurant as the storm punished the town. "Sodom and Gomorrah, Hurricane Katrina, the Haiti earthquake and now the Vail snowstorm: what do they all have in common? They are all examples of God punishing a Godless society," Christian protester Agnes Washburn exclaimed while eating a tuna melt. "By day's end there will no longer be a Godless city called Vail, Colorado. Praise God!"
Only two days into the Gay Ski Week the Christians had packed up and were on their way back to Iowa. As Holden and his crew were about to drive off he remarked, "Our job was to come out here and try to ruin the good time these gays were going to have, but it's abundantly obvious from the foot of snow God has angrily dumped on this ski resort that these sodomites aren't going to be doing much of anything this week. Let this be a lesson to all ski mountains: if you are planning on having a gay ski week, expect God to ruin it with a foot or more of snow!"
"We can sit here all day and talk about 'weather patterns' and 'seasons' and other nonsense, but the fact of the matter is that it is just too much of a stretch to attribute this snowstorm -which happened during the Gay Ski Week- to coincidence. Vail is not a city known for getting a lot of snow, especially during the month of January, and to have such a major storm occur on the same week that they open the gates to the barbarians is all the evidence we need of God's anger at them," said Dr. Jonathan Edwards, a leading researcher in the field of Levitical Medicine and Landover Baptist Church member.
"You would have to be blind to not see the divine intervention that has occurred this week. There is no doubt GOD sent that blizzard to punish the people of Vail for accepting the homosexual deathstyle," bellowed Pastor Deacon Fred, weighing in on the situation during his Sunday sermon. "I don't know what these queermos are planning to do with a mountain covered in a foot of new snow, [he pauses to laugh for a few seconds] but have fun!"
While there ordinarily is little parking in Vail, during Gay Ski Week there was ample parking in the rear.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010