"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Pick a Running Mate for Lyndon LaRouche


Another 4 years have passed and it is time for Lyndon LaRouche to get his butt off the lazy boy, dust off those Cheetos crumbs, put on his bullet-proof vest and t-shirt with tuxedo image painted on it and parade around the nation stealing votes from the Liberal candidate. While Lyndon wasn't planning on running this year recent revelations ("I ran out of meth money") have led to his decision to take another shot at the Presidency. This year LaRouche will be running on a platform that is heavily focused on the economy and how we can begin using Baskin Robins Gift Certificates as legal tender as well as Robosexual marriage-- the union of man and machine and building a 90 billion dollar (or 100,000 Baskin Robins gift cards) space-cannon that will be used to destroy Pluto where Jewish space aliens are plotting to kill Mr. LaRouche.

While I have openly disagreed with LaRouche in the past, and did attempt to assassinate him during an interview on my show, I have decided to take it upon myself to choose a running mate for my longtime enemy in an attempt to bolster his image. As we have seen from Obama and McCain, picking a running mate that compliments your abilities and improves upon your weaknesses is essential to a successful campaign so below I have prepared several possible running mates for Mr. LaRouche's bid for the White House.

Gentle Ben - Republican, Florida

PROS: Strong stance on pork-barrel spending, in that he enjoys eating barrels full of pork.
CONS: May become distracted during serious meetings/photo-ops by the presence of an unattented cooler or picnic basket.

Jack Bauer- Independent/Renegade, California

PROS: Single-handedly saved America from thermo-nuclear holocaust at least 5 times now.
CONS: May not be a real person.

Count von Count- Republican, Transylvania

PROS: Believes strongly in childhood education and getting children interested in Math.
CONS: May burn up at the sight of a cross and can only make public appearances in the middle of the night. Americans may be reluctant to elect a non-Christian vice president into office.

Ted Stevens- Republican, Alaska

PROS: Believes the internet is a series of tubes and should fit in with Lyndon's stances on "THE JEW NURSES AT THE HOME STEAL FROM ME WHEN I SLEEP" and "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU SIDEWALK-SURFING HOOLIGANS".
CONS: Having two convicted felons on the same ticket may frighten voters.

C'thulhu- Republican, Antarctica

PROS: Is not afraid to push that red button when the time comes to annihilate an enemy country with nuclear weapons.
CONS: Is not afraid to push that red button to destroy America with nuclear weapons. Also, having two of the world's most evil beings on the same ticket may produce strife within the party.

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