It's been two years since Right-wing radio pundit and self-described "Christo-Fascist" Master Debater Wash O'Hanley released his long-awaited second book Mindrape, the follow up to his monumental Best Seller [in the state of Mississippi] Gay Jew HomoNazi Abortions. A lot has happened in the world since then: atheism is on the rise, gays are demanding more and more rights, and now we have a black guy in the Oval Office. If you think Wash O'Hanley is going to sit back and say nothing, you're thinking of the wrong "Most Popular Right-Wing Radio Pundit in Southeastern Iowa of 2004."
"Some famous people like to have their books ghostwritten, the only ghost that helped write this book was Jesus."
Rewind to November 5th, 2008. Wash wakes up on his couch, covered in his own filth and terribly hung over. "I thought for a while about taking my own life," he candidly says. The next three months weren't easy for Wash-- he fell in with a bad crowd and developed an addiction to huffing anti-freeze. In late January of 2009 a trusted friend came to Wash's aid and gave him some advice he'd never forget. Wash knew what he had to do and after conquering his addiction to huffing anti-freeze and bribing a state jury in his son's meth-dealing trial he got to work writing his third, and therefore most important book. The process was arduous, but Wash has never backed down from a challenge:
"I locked myself in a room with nothing but a typewriter and told my wife to not let me out until I had acheived my masterpiece. No matter how loud I screamed or begged I instructed her to not let me out, for I would rather starve to death than not realize my genius. Three hours later that door was opened and I came out of that room holding the first draft of this book-- my most important work to date."
It is with great honor that Wash O'Hanley announces the forthcoming release of his new book, just in time for Christmas, I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.
Wash O'Hanley has never been afraid to speak his mind, and anyone that loves his politics will greatly enjoy this book. Every chapter in this stirring and ably-written book will deal with a different topic that has a place close to Wash's heart.
Chapter 1: They Tore Down My Childhood Home and Built a Pizza Hut on the Property
A look into the early years of Wash O'Hanley, from a privileged upbringing to a Vietnam-skipping young adulthood, read about the formative years in Wash O'Hanley's life.
"In those days rape was basically still legal in the state of Texas so me and the other boys had a pretty good time picking up cheerleaders and going down to the river with them."
Chapter 2: I Lack the Cognitive Ability to Recognize That When I Look in the Mirror I'm Actually Seeing a Reflection of Myself and Not Another Person
"Every time I want to masturbate in the bathroom this guy keeps coming in there with me and starts masturbating too."
Chapter 3: Vietnam Was Great
Wash reflects on his personal experiences and the life-changing hardships he faced during the Vietnam War, studying broadcast journalism at the University of Iowa.
Chapter 4: Bill Clinton Stuck His Penis Inside of All of our Mouths
Wash remembers Lewinskigate and the devastating effects it had on all Americans.
Chapter 5: 9/11 Was Bill Clinton's Fault
Chapter 6: About That Time I Punched Nelson Mandela in the Face...
Wash sets the record straight about the infamous night he accidentally punched Nelson Mandela in the face.
Chapter 7: Barack Obama Wants to Murder Me
On the evening of April 7th, 2009, Wash O'Hanley, while going for a midnight snack in the kitchen, fell down the stairs in his own home. Unfortunate accident, or Presidential assassination attempt?
"If you take all the letters from all the words in all of the President's speeches you will have more than enough letters to spell 'I, Barack Obama, am going to kill Wash O'Hanley.'"
Chapter 8: I Know Back When Bush Was President I Told Liberals That Even if They Didn't Like Him They Still Had To Recognize Him As President, But This Is Different.
Wash lists reasons why Barack Obama shouldn't be respected.
Chapter 9: Huffing Anti-Freeze is a Great High That Has No Downside Like Real Drugs
Chapter 10: I Can't Remember Anything and I'm Also Blind Now
Chapter 11: Someone Tell the Ghost of Eli Whitney to Get Out of My Kitchen
Wash describes a horrific evening when, during an anti-freeze-induced stupor, the famous 19th Century inventor broke into his home and ate most of his canned goods.
Chapter 11: I Need to Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze
Wash decides once and for all to kick his anti-freeze habit.
Chapter 12: I Can Huff Anti-Freeze One More Time and Not Get Addicted
Wash makes a poor decision.
Chapter 13: I Need To Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze Part II
Chapter 14: I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People
"I'm sick and tired of these queermos looking at my junk while I try to pee. They are ruining the once manly tradition of standing in a line with a bunch of dudes and peeing."
Chapter 15: If President Obama Isn't a Nazi Why is it so Easy to Draw Hitler Mustaches on Pictures of him?
Chapter 16: I Remember When It Used to be Socially Acceptable to Say the Word "Negro"
Wash laments the changing of social norms in America.
"He wasn't sure if it was safe to send his employees into that mine shaft and the nearest pet store was two miles away. Rather than waiting for someone to go buy a canary my great grandfather sent the first Chinese guy he could find down there."
Chapter 17: Nancy Pelosi is a Robot and Her Vagina is a Garbage Disposal
Chapter 18: Barack Obama is a Socialist
Chapter 19: I Just Learned Right Now What a Socialist Is
Chapter 20: I Want to Have a Threesome With Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin While Newt Gingrich Videotapes it
Wash describes in vivid and graphic detail his sexual fantasy of having a threesome with shamed California beauty queen Carrie Prejean and shamed Vice Presidential candidate Sarah 'Failin' Palin.
"I want to start by saying that I respect both of these women for their intelligence and convictions and in no way want to reduce them to sexual objects whose only use is to satisfy men. Now I would start by having them both wear school girl outfits because those are freakin' hot."
Chapter 21: Why Are Ancient Middle-Eastern Goat Herders From the First Century Always Tricking Me Into Believing the Most Ridiculous and Obviously False Things?
Chapter 22: Reasons Why the Bible is the Only Valid Holy Book
"It says right there in the text that it is all true, why would the author of this work lie?"
Chapter 23: A Letter to my Great Great Grandchildren
"If you're reading this it means that your black Mexican Chinese slave handlers are momentarily distracted, giving you time to read books, which are strictly forbidden."
Wash O'Hanley's I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People is the most important book of the year (and possibly ever) and is the perfect Christmas gift for someone that has strong political views but doesn't like reading things that are long. Just read what the critics have to say:
"Most of the chapters are less than a page long."
"This book will appeal to people that don't like reading."
"Because of how short it is, it doesn't even serve as a useful paperweight."
Buy I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People today!
SPECIAL OFFER! If you order I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People online at Wash O'Hanley's Official Website before December 23rd you'll receive a FREE copy of Wash's little-known 1993 novel Broadcast of Danger. Russ O'Leary is a small-town radio broadcaster that gets caught up in a tale of danger and intrigue as a mysterious woman, Billary Flinton, threatens to murder him, but nothing is as it seems. If you enjoy timely social commentary, mystery and robot lesbian eroticism you'll like Broadcast of Danger.
"Russ looked at her ample breasts. 'You have massive gozongas,' he said with a suave look on his face. Russ had had intercourse with lots of hot babes before but this chick was like a 9.5/10. She removed her g-string and walked across the room to him and pressed her naked body against him and at this point Russ started pitching a massive tent and then the hot naked chick reached down his pants and started stroking his massive boner and then the most awful thing you could ever think of happened: the totally hot chick he was about to bang pulled on her face and it turned out she was really Billary Flinton wearing a mask. GROSS! Russ reached for his space phazer gun but Flinton was too fast and kicked it out of his hand!"
What will happen next? You'll just have to read the novel to find out.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010