"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Internet Rumors (aka Facts) About the Health Care Bill


Folks, the health care debate is reaching a boiling point in America as angry Conservatives, looking to address their anger, are shipped to town halls across America by heartless corporations and Conservative think tanks. The once great landmarks for public discourse and debate have been reduced to slack-jawed buffoons reading scripts prepared by special interest focus groups and health care profiteers. In the past weeks, and surely in the coming weeks, a lot of crazy things have been said about socialized "Obamacare." All of these claims the President is quick to denounce, but in these trying times who really knows what is right and wrong and who can you really believe is on your side?

During the past weeks my inbox has been flooded with literally tens of e-mails about the health care bill and, as a public servant (I'm a public servant in the same way Dale Earnhard Jr. is a professional athlete), I feel it is my job and duty to dispel or confirm these rumors.

Musclecar1975 writes: Dear Wash, I recently read on Sarah Palin's facebook that under socialized health care we will have to sit before a panel of government bureaucrats who will decide whether we can get a life-saving operation. Is this true?

Unfortunately this is true. I covered the subject in a different topic earlier this week, let's take a look:

It's no secret that socialized medicine will lead to bureaucratic death-juries that will decide whether a person in need of care should get it or not. As a small government Conservative like Sarah Palin this idea enrages me to no end. These death-juries should be privately-owned by big businesses. I would much rather have an M.B.A.-holding corporate hack deciding whether or not I should live or die rather than some government lacky that should be in a cave in some Washington office. Let the free market decide whether someone should live or die-- that's what I believe.

YggdrasilKKK writes: i red on stormfront today taht under the new health care the government is gonna go around killing old people and sending retarded kids to be youth in asia

Another serious concern that is largely correct. It's no secret that Obama hates old people. Let's not forget that he murdered his own grandmother just days before the election, likely because she knew too much. Old people are our only bridge to a more wholesome and moral time when kids didn't have sex outside of marriage, drug usage was limited only to beatnik writers and Major League Baseball players and it was still socially acceptable to call black people "negroes." This is an era that president Obama wants us to forget and one way he is going to do it is by getting rid of all the old people.

Of course if Obama had been a good grandson he would realize that there are no better people to stimulate an economy than the elderly.

Eventually the country will become so broke we will have to sell our children to Asian countries (youth in Asia) where they will have to spend their lives working in toy factories making poisonous toys for Canadian and European children, while one out of every ten thousand children manages to become a professional Starcraft player.

MORE SHOCKING NEWS: This comes from some random guy's Facebook account that I just read. "Not only does Obama want to murder your grandparents: if your grandparents have already died he's going to use the shamanistic magic he learned in Kenya as a child to raise them from the dead so he can kill them again."

xXsMoKeZ_oUt_420Xx writes: how r we gunna pay 4 this shit wen bush lost all are fukin money and crawshed the econamy wit the war in irag and stuff cuz like 1 time i spent all my money on this dank ass weed and then i didnt have any money left but i tried to buy a doobie brothers cd but the guy at the store woodnt let me cuz i didnt have any money so instead i went to the office store and huffed that compressed air in a can stuff for a while

Hey! It was not President Bush's fault that we ran out of money and descended into this economic holocaust. Sure he wasn't perfect-- but who is? The guy only had his job for 8 years. Eight years of experience is usually when you start a serious career. The fact of the matter is that we need to discount some of Bush's mistakes to the usual learning curve that any new job takes.

There are three ways to explain how President Bush lost all of our money:
1- Remember when you are a little kid and you would go with your mom to the bank and you just assumed that the bank was giving her money? Of course when you reached age 7 your parents explained that you were wrong in this assumption. Unfortunately no one ever bothered to explain this to President Bush.

2- In the wake of the Y2k scare President Bush just assumed that once you spent nine-hundred and ninety-nine trillion, nine-hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine-hundred and ninety-nine million, nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents you actually go back to zero. Luckily a White House intern placed a Yahoo! Answers query on the validity of this assumption and discovered that numbers do not reset after a trillion. Unfortunately, even if President Bush had been right, we've still only spent $867 billion in the war on terror, well short of his $999 trillion mark.

3- Remember in the show Happy Days when the Fonz would hit the jukebox with his elbow and it would turn on without having to insert any coins? President Bush based his entire economic policy on that.

But most importantly, the economic downturn is chiefly due to you: the American people. Your reckless spending and poor financial choices were what brought us to this point. If anything, President Bush tried his hardest to get us out of this mess. During hot Washington summers when the heat can be seen rising off of the Potomac, President Bush was in front of the White House with his lemonade stand. And where were you? In your cars driving by with the windows up. We all know that it was just Country Time powder that he scooped with his unwashed hands into the pitcher, mixed with hose water, and then stirred with a used dildo. WE ALL KNOW THAT. But you had a quarter in your pocket and you could have just thrown the lemonade in the gutter when he was finding change for a nickel in his shoebox.

LibertarianThatIsTooMuchOfAPussyToAdmitHeVotedForBushIn2000 writes: I have legitimate concerns about this new health care bill and I want my voice to be heard, but every time I go to a town hall meeting these rednecks that were bused in by some multi-billion dollar think thank show up and disrupt everything. These are people that don't have any real ideas, are reading from scripts, and are the result of media over saturation that comes from listening to people like Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. I have real concerns and it's a shame that I am lumped in with these people.

Excuse me, sir, but these people are exercising their rights as Americans to act as mouth pieces for corporate health care providers. There is nothing more American than disrupting a town hall meeting with your douchebaggery. The Liberals have been crass and distasteful enough to even present this bill, and then they have the gall to go around and see what their constituents think about it. Where does it end? The fact of the matter is that the Conservatives have no alternative to this bill and we are not willing to budge. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. We live in a world where the loudest voice is the one that gets heard, so maybe we don't have any ideas, but we're at least going to prevent yours from being heard.

If intimidating working-class citizens with threats of violence, storming and disrupting town hall meetings and hanging effigies of President Obama and other Liberal elected-officials is un-American, then maybe I don't want to be an American.

"I heard from an inebriated but trustworthy man near the drug store that Obama is planning on aborting all pregnancies unless the baby is gay."

BigDogSouthCarolina1956 writes: Wash, my brother-in-law's former barber's best friend's cousin's co-worker's hunting buddy said that he got a chain e-mail that said that under the Obamacare people that have two working kidneys will be forced to give one away to a sick person because it is like a law of Communism or something. He also said that people that need kidneys won't be able to choose whose kidney they get, so theoretically they could get an Arab person's kidney and then they would turn into a Arab person them self. Does that make sense? It's like science, isn't it?

This is an absolutely true and terrifying fact about socialized health care. Folks, I'm not a scientist or a doctor, but I have watched like 25 re-run episodes of Scrubs so I am somewhat qualified to talk on this subject. If you take a kidney from a Muslim person and put it in a Christian person, that Christian person turns into a Muslim. This is just science. It's called The Transitive Property of Kidneys or something, but don't confuse this with The Transitive Property of Race (that if a black person listens to a Coldplay CD or goes skiing or votes Republican he becomes white).

Under Obama care if you have two working kidneys, two working lungs, or even two working eyes you will be forced to give one to a person that doesn't have one. This is just more of the same Orwellian policies that this President is trying to enact. Now how is that supposed to help the economic crisis? I'll tell you: it won't. What were the highest grossing movies this summer? Up, Transformers 2, G-Force, and Star Trek. What do all of these movies have in common? They were all in 3-D. How are the American people supposed to wear 3-D glasses when they only have one eye?

Folks, I hope these e-mails have helped to dispel some of the crazy rumors that have been going around about health care and I hope that they have encouraged you to get more involved in this ongoing debate; whether that is going to a town hall meeting and dumping a bucket of pig blood on a congressman's head, getting together with "the boys" and beating people that attend town hall meetings with baseball bats, or getting on a bus to read carefully-scripted lines devised by a company that makes billions of dollars off of human suffering every year. This issue is in YOUR hands!

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