Obama: Already a Lame Duck

1/27/2009

Folks, it has been only one week that has passed since the inauguration but already Barack Obama is proving himself to be a lame duck president. Obama took office under a platform that included a lot of far-out and crazy promises, hope and dreams. But as of eight days after being sworn in as President of these United States what has Mr. Obama done for us?

-We are currently embroiled in TWO wars and have no exit strategy. Obama has done nothing in his eight days in office to fix the situation in Iraq and Afghanatan.

-There is still strife in the Middle-East. Israel and Hamas are still at war and the Jews and the Muslims can't seem to get their acts together. In his eight days in office what has Obama done to fix this situation? How many more days will we have to wait? Will there be peace in the Middle-East before the Super Bowl? Before the Oscars?

-The economy is still in the toilet. In his one week in office Obama has done little to nothing to improve the economy. I was under the impression, based on all of his far-out speeches and claims that by this time the only financial troubles I would be having is what kind of caviar to eat. Right now our economy is at its worst point since the Great Depression and over the first eight days of Obama's Presidency has produced no results.

-America's public schools are still failing. Each year public high schools around America churn out more and more graduates who cannot read and write at a functioning adult level while drop-out rates increase in the inner cities. We need a new philosophy on education but in his first week in office Obama has done nothing to fix the education crisis. If he doesn't have time to fix this problem in his first week when will he get around to it?

-Life cannot be sustained on Venus. If in the event of a thermo-nuclear Holocaust or some kind of robot/alien take over we have no back up plan! Obama has taken no steps toward preventing the extinction of the human race. Where are the escape pods and the giant cannons that will launch these escape pods? Where are the space station-cities that will transport thousands of people at a time in sleep capsules to the lush surface of Venus? Where are the futuristic houses?

So what has Obama had time to do other than attend parades, go to balls and hob-knob with Hollywood celebrities on his first day on the job (any other person would have been fired for doing so little work on their first day but because Obama is black apparently it is ok for him to spend his entire first day doing nothing at the tax payer's expense)? Well for one he signed a bill that gives aid to foreign abortion clinics; just a small step towards his ultimate goal which is to abort already-born children. He also shut down Guantanamo Bay, releasing thousands of suspected terrorists into our communities. The next time you hear the ice cream truck come down the street it could be the number three in Al-Queda behind the wheel and on your child's first day of kintergarden don't be surprised when a man who blew up a bus full of nuns is the teacher.

I think it's pretty safe to assume that the first 8 days of this presidency are going to reflect the next four years (and God help us 8), expect little change.

11/18/2009

These are grim days for Conservatives everywhere. For fear of being targeted by Hussein Obama I've taken to living in my subterranean radio booth/chamber of desolation where I have been broadcasting my show sans any real news (or light). I haven't been this scared since the Larry Craig scandal which reduced me to urinating in empty coffee cans and milk cartons because of my fear of public restrooms.

11/4/08 Republican Persecution/Never Forget

Wash O'Hanley Cryogenics

11/9/2009

Folks, I know that many of you have been looking to me for guidance this past week in the wake of the presidential elections. Sometimes not even the experts have the answers and after Tuesday night's election all I could get myself to do was crawl out of bed, drive down to the Sam's Club and buy the biggest jug of street legal vanilla extract that they sold. While I was in a vanilla-crazed stupor I started watching a documentary film on television called "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" where a British secret agent from the 1970's freezes himself cryogenically and is thawed out in the present day without aging a single day.

I value my life greatly, life is God's gift not only to me, but to the entire world because of the service I provide. I know that if I killed myself not only would I be letting God down, but I'd be letting my hordes of crazed fans down as well; the resulting fervor they would be put in by my untimely death would be unfathomable (9/11 only worse).

If you're like me you wish there was a way to just skip the next 4 to (God forbid) 8 years and be thawed out during the next Republican administration (assuming the rapture hasn't happened by then). Well if you're like me you can look no further because I'm starting my own Cryogenics company! Just listen to some of the testimonials of my first 'customers'.

"Are you kidnapping me?"
"This place doesn't look very clean"
"How sure are you this is going to work?"
"I think there's more to cryogenics than stacking bags of ice on top of people."

But folks, there's more to cryogenics than rounding up homeless people and luring them into basement where you stack bags of ice on top of them while they are intoxicated à la The Cask of Amontillado-- a lot more, and now I'm allowing endeavoring entrepreneurs [like yourself] to invest in my business model and start your own basement cryogenics lab! For one down payment of $250,000 you and your family can start freezing people that are disillusioned by the recent presidential election. Ask yourself, if you fall into one of these categories of people you may be ready to start your own cryogenics lab in your home:
- Has the recent economic situation led you to consider the possibilities of taking in boarders?
- Would you consider freezing things to be a hobby of yours?

If you answered one, two or all of these questions you may be ready for the exciting world that cryogenics have to offer. With your $250,000 investment you will not only receive a proven business model, but also 10,000 bags of Eskimo's Choice Ice, cardboard paneling that will make any basement look like a scientific cryogenic laboratory, and one alarm clock (batteries not included).

So if you're ready to step into the new business endeavor of the 21st Century and take people with you this is the opportunity for you.

Wash O'Hanley Cryogenics
5850 Robin Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa

Go to the shack out back and don't be discouraged if it looks like a meth lab-- this is a scientific cryogenics lab AND a meth lab.

Third Presidential Debate

10/14/2008

I hope McCain can pull a major surprise out of his hat. So maybe Obama only knew Bill Ayers through a fund raising campaign held at the start of the senator's political career. And maybe Obama was involved with ACORN only as a lawyer in the early 90's and the scandal surrounding ACORN was caused by individuals working for it who were paid based on how many people they registered to vote, and hence made up false names so they would be paid more.

It's time for McCain to try pull attacks out of the best place to get them-- his ass. Barack Obama has not only one black baby... he has two! Ok, so maybe that won't work. How about this... can Obama prove that Bill Ayers wasn't his adoptive father? Or how about this one... in 1972 while in grade school Barack Obama learned about Nazi Germany in history class. Is Barack Obama a Nazi?

I am allowing the McCain camp to use any of these talking points in their debates and attacks and vow to come up with more. We're going to throw everything at the wall here and see what sticks.

The Wash O'Hanley Show Voter Feedback Assault Squadron 9,000

10/8/2008

With the Presidential Election just weeks away and The Wash O'Hanley Show getting its ass handed to it in the ratings it was time for us to come up with a new segment that would draw in viewers. After sequestering myself and my writing staff in the office for five days we had come up with nothing and we decided to do the next best thing: steal another network's idea.

It is with great honor that The Wash O'Hanley Show introduces VOTER FEEDBACK ASSAULT SQUADRON 9,000. While some networks are content measuring undecided voter feedback with just a lousy dial for whether the participant agrees or disagrees with a given statement by a candidate, the Wash O'Hanley Show takes this idea and exhausts it to the extreme.

We begin by sitting our undecided voters in front of a large-screen television and arming them with a remote control that has over 700 buttons-- each with its own function or command. We then strap electrodes to their genitals and administer a shock any time their eyes are not transifxed on the screen to ensure that our panelists are seeing 100% of the debate (sometimes we give them a shock just to scare them a little bit). Meanwhile we leash rabid, hungry and angry gorillas to the wall in front of them with just enough chain-leash so that the gorillas can swipe at the panelists. Our voters are then hooked up to a lie detector machine and any time the machine indicates that a panelist has lied on their voter feedback remote control the gorilla is released on them.

The survivors are then herded into a small room where they are asked about their feelings on the debate. Half way through this interview it is revealed that one of the walls of the room is actually a three way mirror and on the other side of the mirror is another room filled with their children and a jail-cell filled with psychotic serial murders that are ravaging a dead carcass which contains the key to the door. This interview continues until the voters provide enough in depth analysis to save their children's lives or the psychotic murders obtain the key and proceed to cannibalize the children-- whichever comes first.

Finally the panelists are brought into solitary confinement cells, deprived of food and water and blasted with death metal music 24/7 while being kept on hand for any segment in the future that will require an undecided voter until the election.

The Wash O'Hanley Show takes undecided voter feedback far more seriously than those other stations that just use a stupid remote. Maybe our methods are a little "out there" but when you look at the results, the stone-cold facts-- and what we produce from them, you'll see that everything we put our undecided voters through is worth it.


The Wash O'Hanley Show- Weeknights at 8 on Freehold Public Access Television

Pick a Running Mate for Lyndon LaRouche

10/7/2008

Another 4 years have passed and it is time for Lyndon LaRouche to get his butt off the lazy boy, dust off those Cheetos crumbs, put on his bullet-proof vest and t-shirt with tuxedo image painted on it and parade around the nation stealing votes from the Liberal candidate. While Lyndon wasn't planning on running this year recent revelations ("I ran out of meth money") have led to his decision to take another shot at the Presidency. This year LaRouche will be running on a platform that is heavily focused on the economy and how we can begin using Baskin Robins Gift Certificates as legal tender as well as Robosexual marriage-- the union of man and machine and building a 90 billion dollar (or 100,000 Baskin Robins gift cards) space-cannon that will be used to destroy Pluto where Jewish space aliens are plotting to kill Mr. LaRouche.

While I have openly disagreed with LaRouche in the past, and did attempt to assassinate him during an interview on my show, I have decided to take it upon myself to choose a running mate for my longtime enemy in an attempt to bolster his image. As we have seen from Obama and McCain, picking a running mate that compliments your abilities and improves upon your weaknesses is essential to a successful campaign so below I have prepared several possible running mates for Mr. LaRouche's bid for the White House.

Gentle Ben - Republican, Florida

PROS: Strong stance on pork-barrel spending, in that he enjoys eating barrels full of pork.
CONS: May become distracted during serious meetings/photo-ops by the presence of an unattented cooler or picnic basket.

Jack Bauer- Independent/Renegade, California

PROS: Single-handedly saved America from thermo-nuclear holocaust at least 5 times now.
CONS: May not be a real person.

Count von Count- Republican, Transylvania

PROS: Believes strongly in childhood education and getting children interested in Math.
CONS: May burn up at the sight of a cross and can only make public appearances in the middle of the night. Americans may be reluctant to elect a non-Christian vice president into office.

Ted Stevens- Republican, Alaska

PROS: Believes the internet is a series of tubes and should fit in with Lyndon's stances on "THE JEW NURSES AT THE HOME STEAL FROM ME WHEN I SLEEP" and "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU SIDEWALK-SURFING HOOLIGANS".
CONS: Having two convicted felons on the same ticket may frighten voters.

C'thulhu- Republican, Antarctica

PROS: Is not afraid to push that red button when the time comes to annihilate an enemy country with nuclear weapons.
CONS: Is not afraid to push that red button to destroy America with nuclear weapons. Also, having two of the world's most evil beings on the same ticket may produce strife within the party.

Serious Evalutation of Obama is not Racist!

6/2/2008

For years white racists have had to sit back and bite their tongues as a slew of black celebrities, completely immune to white racism, have come and gone. Rodney King, Flava Flav, OJ Simpson, Rev. Wright and Shaquille O'Neal-- all worthy candidates for white racism-- spared only because of the negative stigma attached to racism. Well I say 'no more!', brothers and sistern! Barrack Hussein Obama Bin Laden is the first black man in almost a century that is not immune to white racism and we're going to take full advantage of this situation. Racism has always been considered bad by the Liberal elite, but as soon as that black man is running for elected office, especially President of the United States, we instantly transform from white racists to concerned citizens. If I speculate that Oprah has a crack addiction I am a toothless piss-ignorant white, but if I make the same speculation about Barrack Hussein Obama I am a concerned citizen making responsible choices for the future of this country. If I call Flava Flav an incompetent, drug-addled lunatic I am instantly labeled the shame of America, but if I say the same thing about Barrack Hussein Obama I'm making a valuable judgment about his aptitude.

I think it goes without saying that Barrack Hussein Obama is the savior of racism in America and I for one welcome his presence in the political scene.

My Interview With Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney

9/26/2007

Wash: I would like to take this opportunity to first thank Mr. Romney for appearing on our show this afternoon, I'm sure you'd rather be spending time with one of your families so we won't take too much of your time. For those of you living under a rock Mitt Romney was the governor of Massachusetts, is a Mormon as well as the owner of several major companies including Dominos Pizza and Staples office supplies and it is estimated that his net worth is near 250 million dollars. Now Mr. Romney is running for the Republican ticket in the 2008 Presidential election- thank you for taking the time to speak with us today Mr. Romney.

Mitt: Thank you for having me Wash.

Wash: Lets begin with some questions about your decision making-- recently your ability to make decisions has come into question and I'm sure the American people want to know how you feel about some of your past decisions as well as those which you will have to face should you be elected.

Mitt: Great question, I would first like to address the issues of gay marriage and abortion. I know that there are conflicting reports on my stance with this matter and I would just like to clear the record once and for all... [interrupted]

Wash: Actually I was talking about the new Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza on sale now for $3.99 with the purchase of any large pizza at participating Dominos Pizza restaurants. I think I speak on behalf of the American people when I question your decision making as a business owner when you ok'd such a radical and disturbing food product. Surely you weren't in your right mind at the time and I was just wondering if you had anything to say about the Oreo Dessert Pizza.

Mitt: well... umm... That is really more of a marketing or management question. I trust the judgment of my management at Dominos to make financially sound choices.

Wash: Have you actually eaten one of the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizzas Mitt?

Mitt: No, no I have not.

Wash: Because I have to question the integrity of a company that would make a product like this- it is a PIZZA, made with OREOS. What the hell were you thinking?

Mitt: Again, Wash, it really wasn't up to me.

Wash: Fair enough, lets move on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkEc67m_jvM

Wash: I would like to turn the conversation now to some questions about your beliefs which have come into question as being out of left field and strange in this country where nearly 90% of the citizens in the United States believe differently from you. What do you have to say to people with different beliefs than you that aren't ready for your radical and strange beliefs?

Mitt: That's a good question. It's no secret that I have a deep faith in the Mormon religion and I honestly believe that a Mormon can lead this country just as well as a Baptist or a Methodist or a Catholic. Additionally there are many aspects of the Mormon religion that I... [interrupted]

Wash: Actually, Mitt, I was referring to your belief that the American people would enjoy a PIZZA that is made out of COOKIES. It's disgusting, unholy and, frankly, wrong. Do you think that America can handle someone with such crazy taste?

Mitt: I don't think it's that bad.

Wash: What do you have to say to critics that speculate that one day you're combining the awesome power of pizza and dessert in unholy sexual congress and then the next day you're combining Al-Queda with man-eating jet pack dinosaur robots with rocket launchers? Will we, in the Mitt Romney America, have robot overlords that force the common peons like my humble listeners into a life of forced servitude at the hands of an empire built on a foundation of dessert pizzas? Where does it end, Mitt?

Mitt: I believe that question is absurd and you know it, Wash.

Wash: Absurdly terrifying, yes. Didn't Hitler start out by combining food as well?
Mitt: I don't think so.

Wash: I'm pretty sure Hitler invented brunch- the homosexual breakfast.
Mitt: Ok

Wash: Breakfast AND lunch at the same time, now that's a sin.


Wash: I'd like to now talk about the global economy, particularly how you feel about America's reaching impact on the economies of other countries.

Mitt: I feel that America's technology and financial standing can only work to better the world around us, particularly in countries that are ravaged by third world conditions and war. I've always been a steadfast supporter of the open market and I believe that exporting our brand name businesses like Starbucks and McDonalds to other countries has been great for... [interrupted]

Wash: I was actually referring to the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza and its impact on cultures and markets in other countries that may not be ready for the union of pizza and cookie. I mean, in America we just BARELY avoided complete annihilation when this thing was introduced last month. I think I remember seeing riots in the streets... at least 50 people died because of this thing. Can an unstable country like Ethiopia or Romania really stand up to the devastating force that is the dessert pizza?

Mitt: I don't know, Wash, I don't know. There were no riots over the dessert pizza and no one died, I'm pretty sure that a pile of Oreos on top of a pastry crust with frosting on top of it will not cause the kind of catastrophic implications that you have described.
Wash: If the launch of the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza doesn't go well in a country like Iran or Pakistan could we be looking at a World War III?

Mitt: I very much doubt that.


Wash: Could the Oreo Dessert Pizza solve the illegal immigration problem in America by causing illegal Mexican immigrants to flee back to Mexico to avoid the nefarious clutch that your product has on America?

Mitt: I'm not dignifying that question with an answer

Wash: Fair enough, I just have one last question: we ordered an Oreo Dessert Pizza and we have it sitting right here, will you take a slice?
[Mitt Romney leaves the interview]



Well folks, I pray to sweet baby Jesus that this whacked-out lunatic isn't elected and that his brand of culinary eugenics, not seen since the days of Hitler and Fatty Arbuckle, never become a common place in this world of ours. First you're combining a cake with a hamburger and before you know it we have robotic dinosaurs ruling us. This future terrifies me and I will do everything in my power to stop it.