How to find out if your children are on the path to Salvation

Recently I've grown worried that my grandchildren aren't on the right path to one day being True Christians™ like their parents and I: for one they hardly show any interest in going to church and act as though Bible memorization were a chore! At ages 6 and 8 I know they have a few years before they are accountable for their actions, but I'm still worried that they haven't shown that they love Christ enough. With so many bad influences and crazy people in the world feeding my grandchildren lies through the media and school I knew I had to take actions into my own hands, lest they be permanently scarred by the deranged actions of some sick individual. Last week I came up with a plan to see if they really love Jesus and went through with it last night. I convinced my son to take his wife out for a date so I could baby sit the kids.

The evening went off without a hitch: we had pizza, watched a movie and had a grand old time. Bedtime came and I tucked the children in and read them a story.

Once they were asleep I dressed up in all black, put a ski mask on and started lurking around in the bushes outside of the house. I broke in to the house and tip-toed upstairs. I visited my granddaughter first. She lay in bed like a little angel, her blond hair cascading over her pillow and a little stuffed bear held tight in her arms. She is truly the apple of my eye. I took out a rag doused in chloroform and held it over her mouth. She awoke long enough to let out a muffled scream before passing out.

I then tip-toed across the hall to my grandson's room and did the same to him.

While the kids were out I tied them with some rope to two chairs and waited for them to wake up. When they did they were horrified to see a masked stranger standing before them.

"We're gonna play a little game," I said in a deep and threatening voice. It was at this time they noticed the handgun I was holding in my gloved hand. "I'm going to ask you each a question. If you answer correctly you may live, but if you answer wrong I splatter your brains all over that wall."

They began weeping.

"But to make things even easier I will tell you the correct answer to the question before I ask it. Sound easy enough?"

After a spell they sheepishly nodded their heads while sniffing up snot running from their noses.

"I'm going to ask you if you believe in Jesus. If you say no I will untie you and let you live, but if you say yes I'm going to put this gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Understand? Then let's play."

I kneel down in front of my grandson.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?" I asked.

He bowed his head and cried.

"Answer me!" I shouted, while pointing the gun in his face.

"No!" he cries. "I reject Jesus!"

"Very well." I move over to my granddaughter.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?"

She thinks about it for a while and then looks me in the eyes and boldly says, "Yes!"

I pretend to be taken aback and ask her why, in the face of certain death, she chooses to accept Jesus Christ as her savior, when she can just lie and say she doesn't so she can live.

"Because we learn in Mark 8:38 that Jesus is ashamed of anyone that is ashamed of him. I would rather die than have Jesus be ashamed of me!"

Her weeping comes to a crescendo as I slowly raise the gun and point it at her forehead. At this point her brother is crying and begging me not to kill his sister.

I pull the trigger and a stream of water shoots out of the gun and hits her in the face. She looks up at me, confused.

"If I were really a dangerous psychotic your brain matter would be splattered all over that wall behind you and you'd be dead right now, but you'd be in heaven with Jesus," I say to her. I turn to my grandson, "But you... even though you'd live to see another day your life would be empty and without purpose because you rejected Christ, and when you did die, likely from a drug overdose or the AIDS, you would go to Hell to endure awful punishments and torments for selfishly rejecting Christ in the face of death. You sicken me."

I then left the room, took off my burglar garb and returned to pretend that I had been knocked out by the assailant when he broke into the house. As I untied them, they told me about the horrors that they had to endure. I commended my granddaughter for standing in her faith even with the barrel of a gun pointing straight at her face and I scolded my grandson for rejecting Christ. Unless my grandson shapes up I fear he will receive the torments of Hell, for as we learn in Matthew 10:33, if you deny Jesus he will deny you to his father come your judgment. Knowing this it would be better for a Christian to be killed for accepting Jesus than to be spared for lying and saying you don't believe.

Matthew 10:33 - But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do with my grandson if he ever wants to be a Saved Christian, but I feel joy in my heart when I report that my granddaughter is clearly on her way to being a Saved young woman in the coming years.

PRAISE HIM and SHOUT GLORY!

Are All Christians Really Hipsters?

Considering all we know about the Hipsters, has anyone entertained the thought that all Christians are really Hipsters?

Wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking is Wrong Again (Surprise!)

Earlier this week an excerpt from Stephen Hawking's new book The Grand Design was published in The Times of London. Hawking's book, a smorgasbord of typical atheistic talking points and straw man arguments meant to make Christians look like a bunch of nit-wits, argues that the universe could have conceivably come from nothing; an assertion that stands in stark contrast to the beliefs of the Christian church.

Christians have long held the belief that in order for anything to exist there must have been a creator. The computer chair that I am currently sitting in did not materialize out of nothing: someone made all of the individual parts and assembled it, allowing me to sit on it right now. Using that logic we can ascertain that the Earth and the galaxy in which we reside did not spontaneously come into existence; someone had to have intelligently designed it.

For many years atheists have attempted (unsuccessfully) to debate that the Earth did not come from a creator, but when asked where, they mumble inaudibly and then attempt to move on to the next answer. Usually saying something like "I can't tell you where we came from, and neither can you, because no one was there to see it." Yet if we have learned nothing else, it is that the galaxy, the Earth, humanity and our ecosystem are all incredibly simplistic entities. Scientists would have you to believe that the human body or the Amazon Rain Forest are all infinitely complex organisms, so in-tune with their surroundings and ingrained with the earth that it is simply ridiculous to accept that they were created by one being, but were instead the product of millions of years of evolution. What atheists and evolutionists forget is that God is capable of anything a human mind can conceive.

Atheists and evolutionists will have you believe that the Earth is billions of years old. They will point to fossils and rock formations that can all be dated back millions of years ago. They will take you to the Grand Canyon and explain that there was no way it could exist if the Earth were only six thousand years old. The believer, filled with the capability to conceive of anything God could theoretically do, would point out that since God is infinitely powerful, he theoretically could have formed it six thousand years ago, but made it look like it was formed billions of years ago.

For you see, readers, God is greater than anything that can be conceived. The human mind is not limitless, but God is. God is greater than the greatest thing you can think of, otherwise he wouldn't be God. What is greater? The gradual erosion caused by a river over the course of millions of years to form a chasm thousands of feet deep, or God making a chasm that is thousands of feet deep that looks like it was made gradually over millions of years, but really only took a few days?

Even if Hawking is correct and the world and the universe did spontaneously come into existence that still doesn't disprove God. God, being greater than nothing coming into existence as the result of nothing, clearly would have greenlit and supervised the nothingness coming into somethingness as a result of nothingness.

"Spontaneous creation is the reason why there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist. It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper [fuse] and set the universe going."

Ultimately, though, my problem with Hawking comes from his callousness. Who does he think he is? What authority does he have to speak on an issue like this? As a physicist, Hawking is as qualified to talk about theological issues as I, a political pundit, am to perform amateur surgery. But just as I only perform minor operations on people during social get-togethers, Hawking should leave the religion-talk for the wine and cheese parties.

As an atheist, as someone who doesn't believe in God, Hawking has no place running his mouth on a subject like this. The creation of our Earth is inherently and wholly a religious and theoretically subject, not a scientific one. Only religious people who have dedicated their entire lives to objectively studying the Bible, earning post-graduate degrees in religious studies from Christian Universities are really qualified to speak on the subject of Earth's creation, and thus far not a single one of the leading Christian researchers in the world have come to the same conclusion as Hawkings. These are people that have far more religious training, who went to Biblical colleges to unbiasedly study religion with an open mind, and determined that the Bible and the word of God is the only true path.

Doctors speak on subjects of medicine, lawyers speak on subjects of the law, economists speak on subjects of the economy while used car salesmen from Arkansas, stay at home mothers of 9 from Kansas and right wing radio pundits from Iowa who at one time in the early 80s made a living writing robot lesbian erotica are qualified to speak on subjects of Religion. Frankly, who cares what Hawking has to say about religion anyway? You wouldn't go to a lawyer if you needed a tooth pulled, you wouldn't see a car mechanic if you needed legal council, why would you go to a physicist for answers to religious questions?

JGUCE3QPQZF4

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ
August 27, 2009

Brooklyn, NY-- Christian missionaries from the Landover Baptist Church have hit a roadblock in their efforts to bring the word of Christ to the people of Brooklyn, as they are completely unable to tell if the ironic hipsters of the New York City borough are actually serious about their interest to learn about Jesus.

Hipsters are a subculture of city-dwelling twenty-to-forty-year-old's who are marked by their self-perceived creativity, outlandish and vintage sense of fashion, appreciation of independent music and films, and irritating ironic personalities.

The trouble all started when efforts to convert the artistic and well-educated scenesters were met with overwhelming success.

"The figures right now are drastically different than any other region or demographic group we’ve come across in the past," explained missionary John Carlton of Freehold, Iowa. "These are young people coming from upper-middle class families who hold college degrees, yet our success rate has been dubiously high."

Traditionally young Caucasians with college educations are near-impossible to witness to, but the ironic New York hipsters can't seem to get enough of the message these missionaries deliver.

Carlton continued, "On a good day we may be lucky and convert an old Korean woman at the senior center or a strung-out meth addict at the homeless shelter, but to get these kinds of numbers from this demographic is unreal." Carlton added, "Right now we're getting eight out of every ten people we speak with to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. To put that number into perspective: during our trip to Mozambique last winter we were only converting six out of every ten people, and we were giving them food and water in exchange for their testimony."

Missionary to Brooklyn John Carlton can't decide if he's just saved three souls or been made fun of.

While the Christians are winning a high ratio of hipster souls, many of them are worried about the sincerity of the people they are witnessing to.

"I spent an hour yesterday at an organic fair-trade vegan sidewalk bistro eating $30 hand-crafted artisan arugula tacos with a young girl wearing a granny dress and a pair of non-prescription thick-framed bifocals. After I stressed the dangers of hell and her eternal soul she said 'Suuuuuuuuure, I'll become a Christian,'” explained college sophomore and church member Becky Gilmore. “While at first I was exhilarated to win my first soul, it dawned on me that something about her tone sounded insincere.”

Many of the hipsters the team has converted did so with smirks on their faces while others tweeted during the Lord's Prayer and took pictures of themselves with the missionaries for their Myspace pages.

Caleb Norwood, a bicycle coffee deliver boy and freelance part time DJ went so far as to call all of his friends to come watch him get baptized.

"It was really difficult to concentrate on the ceremony with all of his friends hysterically laughing the whole time," said John Carlton.

The missionaries were especially taken aback by how many of the ironic hipsters have never even heard of Jesus Christ.

"We knew the situation was going to be bad going in, but we had no idea how dire the reality was," said Nolan Mason, a member of the group. "To speak with white twenty to thirty year old men and women of apparent middle-class upbringings in the American Midwest that have flat out never heard the name Jesus Christ is truly heart-breaking."

"Skinny white guy, long brown hair, beard, white robe, turned water into wine, fed an entire village with one loaf of bread, walked on water, died and then resurrected," an exasperated and sweating Carlton preached to a dumbfounded-looking audience on a street in Bushwick. "None of this is ringing a bell?"

Roughly 95% of the hipsters the team have encountered were totally unaware of Jesus Christ, even as a historical figure, while a scant 5% confused him with various pop culture figures from the 1980s including John Hinkley Junior, Conan the Barbarian and the robot from Short Circuit.

"Jesus Christ? He was the actor from that sitcom about the guy who pretended to be gay so he could live with two female roommates, right?" Park Slope resident Meghan Ryan asked.

“They’re so quaint and authentic,” Josh Watson, the bearded bassist for the underground post-rock band Al Gore and part time freelance graphic designer explained. “Having people like them around reminds me of my boyhood days in Wisconsin. The least we can do is humor them.”

Tonight the missionaries pack up and fly back to Iowa, unsure if their mission was an overwhelming success or abject failure. When asked if they were excited about how many new souls they had brought to Christ the missionaries huddled up for a long time and finally replied with “We don’t know.” While the results of this trip have been a mixed bag, the Christians are looking forward to their trip to Chicago in November, where they will witness to improvisational sketch comics.

Wash Debates Bible's Authenticity

8/19/2010

"How can you belive something just because a book says so?" -Mr. Fool

What would the authors have to gain by making a forgery? What would the alleged human authors, as you believe (in lieu of God, which we believe to be true), possibly have to gain by writing a book such as the Bible as complete fiction? What could they possibly achieve by writing such an outrageous tome that includes talking burning bushes, people turning into pillars of salt, dead bodies being reanimated and a man turning water into wine? Either all of those things happened, and the Bible has divine authorship, or they didn't and the Bible was written by a bunch of ancient tent-dwelling middle eastern goat-herders that would let their goats pee on their faces to fulfill some sick sexual fantasy. Now you have to consider what is more likely: a man walking across a very deep body of water or someone making up a story about a man walking across a deep body of water (for no reason). I, and all of the Christians in the world, believe that the former is the more feasible option.

Likewise you must consider all works of the written word in this equation. What purpose would J.K. Rowling have in making up the world of Harry Potter? What is in it for her to make up the magical world of Hogwarts with all of its interesting characters and page-turning adventure that has captivated readers both young and old? There is nothing in it for her to make up a story like that. Obviously the only explanation is that Hogwarts and Harry Potter are real, which is why the United States Government must find Harry Potter and the other witches and wizards of Hogwarts so they can conduct tests on them and utilize their powers in military weapon defense before the radicalized Islamists get to it (to be fair, the halftime stoning of harlots would be a refreshing addition to the game of Quidditch, though). Word on the street is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is very close to enriching a level one love spell. Once he cracks the magic wand matrix... well I don't have to tell you what's going to happen. Let's just say that the new He Who Shall Not Be Named will have that moniker because it will literally be too hard to pronounce his name.


"Dark Lord Aaban Abdul Allyi Sa'ood Bashir Hujjaya... forget it, we'll call him 'He Who Shall Not Be Named.'"

Many people have laughed at me for getting my "panties in a bunch" over books like Twilight and Harry Potter because, as they say: "they are just works of fiction." But the problem with that is I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS STUFF IS REAL! I honestly believe there is a high school in Oregon somewhere that has a lonely girl that is currently in the throes of a tumultuous relationship with a mysterious vampire and a teenage werewolf... and it scares the crap out of me!

As a Christian I must believe every word that is written in every book ever penned, or the Bible means nothing. Otherwise I've just wasted my entire life searching every corner of the globe for Waldo. 

Classic Quotes

"Remember that part in the Bible where Jesus shoots that guy in the face but he survives (it just went through his cheeks or something) and the guy stabs him in the back and then Jesus kicks him out a window but the guy holds on to the side and begs Jesus to help him but Jesus steps on his fingers and the guy falls like 45 stories onto a parked limo and the limo driver is like 'awwww that's comin' outta my paycheck!' ...Maybe that was the end of Die Hard, I get the Bible and Die Hard mixed up a lot." -6/5/2009

The Nativity Story - Beyond Comprehension!

Folks, I took the family recently to see "The Nativity Story" thinking that no Jewish plot to ruin America and Christianity could have made its way into the celuloid reels of a motion picture version of the birth of our Lord and Savior. I thought the "film" would be nothing more than a live-action version of the nativities that we always see in front of churches, people's homes and (rightfully so) on government or city property where people of all faiths can enjoy it and reflect on how amazing Christmas is (Jews celebrate Christmas, right?).

With all that said, I enjoyed the movie, but there wasn't a lot to say about it... it was pretty much just a well done version of every church Christmas play I've ever seen. What really cheesed me off was as I was about to give the film a 10/10 rating on imbd.com I noticed on the message boards for the film, the discussion was dominated by talks to the lead actress, 16 year old Kiesha Castle-Hughes, being pregnant. Of course I thought this was all just further discussion about the film's content and thought nothing of it as I opened the topic to continue reading and possibly give some insight, seeing as how I am Freehold's most respected pundit.

It was to my horror, as I began reading, that the discussion was not about the Virgin Mary (played by Kiesha Castle-Hughes) being pregnant, but in fact, the 16 year old actress herself!

I vomited with rage onto my keyboard and monitor (and then got a sponge to clean it up). It turns out the young actress and her 19 year old boyfriend "got jiggy wit it" (as the teens would say) and created their own messiah. Of course, this child is not of God, but of Lucifer him self’s bloodline! To say the least, I changed my grade of the movie from a good one to a bad one in light of these new developments. Changed all my posts on the forums about how this was the "best movie since The Passion" to "the worst movie since White Chicks" and even went so far as to scrub my children's eyes with rubbing alcohol (I don't know what good that did, but I enjoyed doing it).

Additionally, I sent a nasty letter to New Line Cinema about how I would never pay to see another movie again. This of course is a huge blow to them and their income because as a Christian I pay to see in the theaters and on video a combined 1.5 movies per year annually (rounded up). If these smut peddlers think they can cast Queen of the Whores, Kiesha Castle-Hughes in a film about the birth of Jesus then they have another thing coming. Why don't they just cast Paris Hilton in a role too? In fact they should of, she might have classed the whole operation up a little in the face of such overwhelming debauchery that was resonating from the void between Ms. (and I use the term lightly) Hughes' legs!

Folks, this whole having children out of wedlock fad has no place in Christmas. Kiesha Castle-Hughes, wandering around in the desert with a bastard child in her belly during the Christmas season while the father is no where to be seen reminds me of someone... who is it?? Oh well, I can't remember, but I assure you that the person I am thinking of was a whore. I'm just so sick and tired of these Liberal conspiracies to destroy marriage and Christmas rearing their ugly heads during this most holy of holidays. Now if you'll excuse me, the kids and I were making a clean, family-friendly nativity scene in our living room from old wooden figures that have been in the family for years. I believe the last one we had to put out was the Virgin Mary.