"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Letters From the War on Christmas

Dearest Martha,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I hope mother and the children are also well. When I first joined up I was too naive to truly understand the horrors of war, and now I will never be the same.

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart. Our mission was to take the strategic wholesale retailer that has refused to use the word "Christmas" in any of their advertising or employee-to-customer greetings. Last night we set up camp on the creek next to the Shell Station. Many of us had never seen the horrors of war and didn't know what to expect. As dawn rose our commander gathered us and within the hour we were packed and ready to march.

We crested the hill behind the loading docks and made a surprise attack through the emergency exit. As we stormed the store customers grabbed their children and fled. After capturing the employees and tying them up in the break room we proceeded to spray paint the word "Christmas" on the outside window and install a makeshift manger scene on a small lawn in front of the store.

I will spare you the details of what we did to the employees for I know your heart cannot handle knowing. War turns every man, even the gentlest radio broadcaster, into a monster. I pray that this war will end soon, for I do not know how much more of these horrors I can endure. Sometimes when I'm sleeping under the stars I look up at them and find comfort in knowing that you are looking up at the same ones as me.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in my lifetime, there will come a day when Christians no longer have to publicly embarrass themselves in order to push their beliefs on others. That's what I'm fighting for.

Yours always, from the front lines in the war on Christmas,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

Sunday, October 24, 2010

For the Record...

Some people have accused me of wanting to repeal the First Amendment, but that simply isn't true. I believe Americans should be allowed to observe any religion they so choose, as long as it isn't one of the religions that will damn your eternal soul to Hell.

It's illegal to destroy your body with drugs, why is it legal to destroy your soul by worshiping false religions?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

How to find out if your children are on the path to Salvation

Recently I've grown worried that my grandchildren aren't on the right path to one day being True Christians™ like their parents and I: for one they hardly show any interest in going to church and act as though Bible memorization were a chore! At ages 6 and 8 I know they have a few years before they are accountable for their actions, but I'm still worried that they haven't shown that they love Christ enough. With so many bad influences and crazy people in the world feeding my grandchildren lies through the media and school I knew I had to take actions into my own hands, lest they be permanently scarred by the deranged actions of some sick individual. Last week I came up with a plan to see if they really love Jesus and went through with it last night. I convinced my son to take his wife out for a date so I could baby sit the kids.

The evening went off without a hitch: we had pizza, watched a movie and had a grand old time. Bedtime came and I tucked the children in and read them a story.

Once they were asleep I dressed up in all black, put a ski mask on and started lurking around in the bushes outside of the house. I broke in to the house and tip-toed upstairs. I visited my granddaughter first. She lay in bed like a little angel, her blond hair cascading over her pillow and a little stuffed bear held tight in her arms. She is truly the apple of my eye. I took out a rag doused in chloroform and held it over her mouth. She awoke long enough to let out a muffled scream before passing out.

I then tip-toed across the hall to my grandson's room and did the same to him.

While the kids were out I tied them with some rope to two chairs and waited for them to wake up. When they did they were horrified to see a masked stranger standing before them.

"We're gonna play a little game," I said in a deep and threatening voice. It was at this time they noticed the handgun I was holding in my gloved hand. "I'm going to ask you each a question. If you answer correctly you may live, but if you answer wrong I splatter your brains all over that wall."

They began weeping.

"But to make things even easier I will tell you the correct answer to the question before I ask it. Sound easy enough?"

After a spell they sheepishly nodded their heads while sniffing up snot running from their noses.

"I'm going to ask you if you believe in Jesus. If you say no I will untie you and let you live, but if you say yes I'm going to put this gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Understand? Then let's play."

I kneel down in front of my grandson.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?" I asked.

He bowed his head and cried.

"Answer me!" I shouted, while pointing the gun in his face.

"No!" he cries. "I reject Jesus!"

"Very well." I move over to my granddaughter.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?"

She thinks about it for a while and then looks me in the eyes and boldly says, "Yes!"

I pretend to be taken aback and ask her why, in the face of certain death, she chooses to accept Jesus Christ as her savior, when she can just lie and say she doesn't so she can live.

"Because we learn in Mark 8:38 that Jesus is ashamed of anyone that is ashamed of him. I would rather die than have Jesus be ashamed of me!"

Her weeping comes to a crescendo as I slowly raise the gun and point it at her forehead. At this point her brother is crying and begging me not to kill his sister.

I pull the trigger and a stream of water shoots out of the gun and hits her in the face. She looks up at me, confused.

"If I were really a dangerous psychotic your brain matter would be splattered all over that wall behind you and you'd be dead right now, but you'd be in heaven with Jesus," I say to her. I turn to my grandson, "But you... even though you'd live to see another day your life would be empty and without purpose because you rejected Christ, and when you did die, likely from a drug overdose or the AIDS, you would go to Hell to endure awful punishments and torments for selfishly rejecting Christ in the face of death. You sicken me."

I then left the room, took off my burglar garb and returned to pretend that I had been knocked out by the assailant when he broke into the house. As I untied them, they told me about the horrors that they had to endure. I commended my granddaughter for standing in her faith even with the barrel of a gun pointing straight at her face and I scolded my grandson for rejecting Christ. Unless my grandson shapes up I fear he will receive the torments of Hell, for as we learn in Matthew 10:33, if you deny Jesus he will deny you to his father come your judgment. Knowing this it would be better for a Christian to be killed for accepting Jesus than to be spared for lying and saying you don't believe.

Matthew 10:33 - But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do with my grandson if he ever wants to be a Saved Christian, but I feel joy in my heart when I report that my granddaughter is clearly on her way to being a Saved young woman in the coming years.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

International Halloween Candy Burning 2010


Greetings in Jesus Holy Name!

Landover Baptist Church is pleased to announce our first annual International Halloween Candy Burning 2010. Shout GLORY!!

Brothers and sisters in Christ, it doesn't take a Bible scholar like me to see that America has turned its back on God. Everywhere we look, our society has become increasingly Godless and morally decadent. What used to be a nation founded on the commandments of God Almighty has slowly been turned over to the hands of the ultra liberals, the sodomites and the Godmockers.

Every year millions of children around America do the devil's work and go "trick-or-treating," and many of them never come home. There is no denying that Halloween is the most dangerous holiday celebrated in America. Satanists/Wiccans and child murderers use this holiday as an excuse to do their dark deeds, putting your child at risk every time they ring a doorbell and ask for a candied treat. Degenerate child-molesting homersexurals use Halloween as an excuse to dress up in women's clothing and rape your children! So what can we do as believers? Sit back and watch as the country we so love goes down the drain?

Halloween is Lucifer's birthday and candy is his currency. It is the favorite day of the year for Democrats, homersexurals, sex pedophiles and atheist-Muslims. And it is a proven fact that witches cast spells over all the Halloween candy sold in the world. To show these scum that we are serious about Salvation®, we will burn their precious Halloween candy on the night of October 31st until they cease this wicked celebration of the Devil! Please join us in Proverbs Park on Sunday, October 31st for food, fun and games that culminate in the immolation of a massive pile of confiscated Halloween candy. Hopefully the flames will reach so high they will be seen in Washington! Christians may be a persecuted minority in America but we have a voice! Stand up to wicked America and burn their idols until they beg us to stop!

Festivities include:
  • 6:00pm - Anti-Halloween Parade (No costumes allowed!)
  • 6:30pm - Winner of 2010 Landover Baptist Witch Hunt announced
  • 7:00pm - Dunk the queer / Screening of Christian horror movie classic "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (2003)
  • 7:45pm - Obama effigy burning
  • 8:15pm - Bible Memorization Recital (ages 4-7)
  • 9:00pm - Halloween Candy Burning

Unless Halloween is officially canceled and outlawed in the United States, Landover Baptist Church will buy up all the candy in the Central Iowa region and burn it just to show the world that we are not afraid of satan!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders

Originally published in Freehold Magazine, October 4th, 2010
Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders
By Wash O'Hanley

Folks, we all know a house like this: Styrofoam cemetery in the front yard, stuffed zombies littering the porch, phony spider webs in the bushes, red light bulbs illuminating the front of the house from October 1st until mid-November when they finally get around to taking all their junk down. On Halloween, when the rest of us buy a bag of Tootise-Pops on the way home from work and turn off all the lights in the hopes that no one comes to the door while you're trying to watch a rerun of Two and A Half Men, these people are dressed up in the most gruesome clown masks they could find, scaring small children that come to their front door. You may have thought you were just unlucky and ended up living next door to the one crazy Halloween nut in America, but as it turns out these people are large in numbers (and stomach girth) and have invaded every corner of our fair country. They call themselves "Yard Haunters," and while on the surface their intentions may seem to be Halloween fun, there is a more sinister motive under the mask.

For Yard Haunters, Halloween isn't just one annoying day out of the year, sandwiched between Columbus Day and Election Day; it's a year-long exercise in preparation and annoying people whose homes are adjacent to theirs. All year the Yard Haunter browses the internet, visits garage sales, and comes up with new ideas for how to spook young children that come to his or her door on October 31st expecting treats. While most parents are willing to excuse this foolishness as an attempt to make the holiday more fun and enjoyable for the children, the behavior of these Yard
Haunters is starting to raise more than a few Christian eyebrows.

The Bible is very clear in its message that we must protect our little ones, and today there is no greater threat to their well-being than sick and perverted Yard Haunters whose only reason for participating in Halloween is to use our children like blow-up sex dolls.

Matthew 18:10 - Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Provided below is evidence that I believe sufficiently proves Yard Haunters are nothing more than a gaggle of pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders posing as adjusted members of suburban America enjoying Halloween in order to defile children.

Reason #1: Like NAMBLA and Al Qaeda, Yard Haunters have a website.

The internet has, since its inception, been a veritable minefield of moral decay and perverse deviance. It's the perfect place for degenerates, criminals, and terrorists alike to meet, plot, and share information with each other. Message boards are ground zero for these people to get together, and are like the coffee houses of the internet. Every sick and twisted organization, from atheists to furries to terrorists, have message boards where they get together, bound by their common interests, and come up with new ways to undermine American values. NAMBLA uses their website to come up with new ways to molest children, while Al Qaeda uses the internet to post videos of their terrorists acts, and it should come as no surprise that Yard Haunters have their own websites to show off their rape palaces. If you thought that neighbor who turned his front lawn into a zombie invasion last year was working alone you are totally wrong; this is part of an intricate network of sex offenders and social deviants who are working together and giving one another ideas on how to more effectively lure young children into their homes. Which brings me to reason #2...

Reason #2: Yard Haunting is just an excuse to get small children into your home.

What is more inviting to a young child than the sight of a clown or friendly vampire? These figures of Halloween capture minds and widen the eyes of young children as they go from door to door in search of yummy treats. Yard Haunters know this have taken to making their yards more inviting to young ones. If you're a small child and you're trick-or-treating on a street and one of the houses has a giant and brightly-lit holiday display, which house are you going to be most excited to visit? Once the child has gazed upon all the scary decorations they are almost caught and it will take just a little trick from the Yard Haunter to get them in his home. Maybe he says he ran out of candy and tells them to follow him into the basement where he keeps his "good stuff," maybe he tells them he has an even scarier haunted house in his bedroom, whatever the case, the point of these yard haunts is to get the children to let their guard down so they are easier to rape, which brings me to reason #3...

Reason #3: All Yard Haunters are pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders.

Go to http://www.sexoffenderfinder.com/ and type in your home address, on it a list of homes owned by sex offenders will pop up, print that map out and on Halloween go around to each beacon on your map and I guarantee every home occupied by a sex offender will have a haunt in their front yard. These are people required by law to stay at a certain distance from children on the other 364 days out of the year, but on Halloween, because they took the time to carve a pumpkin and put a phony stuffed witch on their porch it's suddenly ok for them to be handing out candy to your children? What kind of messed up world do we live in? In many cases these people wear Halloween masks to hide their identities and loose-fitting cloaks to conceal their erections and nakedness. By jumping out at your kids while shrieking like a banshee and causing them to scream they gain sexual gratification. Once your family leaves they go back into the bushes and wait for more kids, but what are they doing in those bushes to themselves as they wait? If a yard haunt has been erected at a home not on your sex offender registry it is entirely possible a sex offender is squatting in an abandoned home and has set up some sort of sex dungeon-- alert your authorities. Which brings us to reason #4...

Reason #4: Yard Haunts are a Yard Haunter's vision of what the real world is like.

As outlined in the previous reasons these Yard Haunters are nothing more than a group of social outcasts and sex offenders, cast aside by society and left to live a life in the shadows. Due to watching hours of child porn, horror movies, and internet snuff films, these people have created a sick fantasy world in their heads that manifests itself on Halloween when such sick behavior is looked at as normal. Due to years of watching videos of people being beheaded by terrorists, these people see decapitated and tortured bodies when they close their eyes, they see zombies rising from the grave to feast upon the living in their dreams, and they wish that they lived on a farm in the middle of Texas so teenagers that ran out of gas will be marooned on their property to be slaughtered in a horrific manner. On Halloween these fantasies take shape as they construct their vile dreams into a reality. To many parents it looks like Halloween fun, but in reality it is the work of mentally-ill people that can no longer tell the difference between the fright films they love and reality. Why would you want people like this around your children?

Now that you know a little about Yard Haunters, let's take a look at the kinds of things they are into. If someone you know matches any of the descriptions below they may be a sex offender looking to score some adolescent tail on Halloween and should be turned in immediately:

- Enjoys Halloween.
- Watches horror movies.
- Plans on dressing up as something on Halloween.
- Sets up a display for trick-or-treaters in their front yard.
- Has Liberal political signs in their front yard.
- Is not a member of a Bible-believing Baptist Church.

What should you do if you come upon a yard haunt?

Don't panic: these people are powerless against anyone who doesn't go into their yard and will not chase you for fear that their sex slaves will escape while they are gone.

Alert Others: Tell anyone you see to avoid that house. If that means physically standing at the foot of their driveway and turning people away, so be it.

Tear Down What You Can:
Many of their props are light-weight, so when they aren't looking try to knock over, unplug, or destroy as much of their haunt as possible so that more children cannot be hurt.

Call the Cops: The cops will surely make quick work of this low life and his stupid Halloween set up. You may even get a reward for turning him in.

Now that you know what a Yard Haunter is, how to recognize one, and what their perverted intentions are, use this information to make a positive impact in your community! For too long social outcasts and sex pedophiles have gotten away with luring our children into their twisted ideas of what the real world is at our blessing because "it's all just Halloween fun." No more! The next time you drive past a home that has an elaborate phony cemetery, don't think it's just a harmless way to make kids laugh, because the reality is that what you're looking at is one of the most intricate attempts for a pedophile to get their penis into your son or daughter's virgin rectum in the history of mankind!

Wash O'Hanley is Southeastern Iowa's #3 voice in political punditry, hosting his own daily radio program The Wash O'Hanley Show, is a featured writer on several religious and political blogs, and is the author of How Minorities, Liberals, and Homosexuals Want to Murder You and Rape Your Children, Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions, Mindrape, and I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Gay Man Makes Positive Choice: Kills Self

In what is being called by many Christians around America as the first example of a homosexual making a good decision, a young man from New Jersey jumped off a bridge to his death last week after video of him being gay was released on the internet.

Reporting from Hackensack, N.J. —
The New Jersey attorney general's office is reviewing the case of a Rutgers University freshman who jumped from the George Washington Bridge last week after images of him having sex with another man were broadcast on the Internet, and will decide whether to prosecute the incident as a bias crime, a spokesman said Thursday. (More)
 I think it goes without saying that it is news like this that every True Christian™ around America wants to wake up and read every day. As we learn in Leviticus 20:13: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. What does this young man's suicide mean? It means that at least some homosexuals are finally taking responsibility for their actions and punishing themselves in a manner that is fitting to God.

Although in his short-sightedness the young man decided to take his own life, a horrific sin almost as bad as homosexuality, rather than choosing the more positive route of letting his school friends stone him to death, but given the circumstances I think we (all Christians around the world) can agree this young man made the right choice.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

James O'Keefe's Latest Prank: Dull, Unimaginitive and Outlandish

It looks like Right-Wing entertainer and performance artist James O'Keefe is in the news again for trying to pull another prank that has gone horribly wrong:

James O'Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting, hoped to get CNN Investigative Correspondent Abbie Boudreau onto a boat filled with sexually explicit props and then record the session, those documents show.

The plan apparently was thwarted after Boudreau was warned minutes before it was supposed to happen.

"I never intended to become part of the story," Boudreau said. "But things suddenly took a very strange turn."

O'Keefe is best known for making a series of undercover videos inside ACORN offices around the country in 2009. The 40-year-old liberal group was crippled by scandal after O'Keefe and fellow activist Hannah Giles allegedly solicited advice from ACORN workers on setting up a brothel and evading taxes.

The videos led to some of the employees being fired and contributed to the disbanding of ACORN, which advocated for low- and middle-income and worked to register voters. (More) 

I think for O'Keefe's next media fiasco he should build a time machine, go back to 2009 and stay there forever since he's never going to reproduce the magic he created with his ACORN video.

He captured America's imagination with the twist ending at the end of his first effort: *SPOILER* The twist was that absolutely none of it was real. But since then his pranks have just been a series of failed attempts that has only proven that he is a one-trick pony. The sad thing is people are going to go see his videos just because his name is attached and financiers are going to keep giving him money for new stunts because he is profitable. I haven't seen this most recent attempt, nor do I plan on it; all early reviews indicate it's just going to be another tired story with dopey dialogue, an outlandish premise, a love story that would never work in the real world and then the same twist ending as all the rest of his work. I also heard that after he was done filming everything he decided to make it 3-D and as a result it looks really bad. Until O'Keefe learns that as an artist you need to evolve and grow and stop releasing the same thing that made you famous a few years ago, Americans are going to increasingly dislike the work he makes.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My Thoughts on the Christine O'Donnell Videos

Christine O'Donnell, a virtual unknown until only a few days ago, recently blew onto the scene like a premature ejaculation in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta on prom night '87. Liberal smear-artist Rachel Maddow showed a video of a twenty-something year old O'Donnell trying to promote teen purity on her daily broadcast and since then the young GOP challenger from Delaware has become an overnight Youtube phenomenon.

Folks, we've all seen the videos... multiple times. We have every line of corny scripted dialogue, every bad early 90s hairdo, and every unflattering camera angle ingrained in our subconscious where it will sit in our Rolodex of things that we will never unsee. For those reasons there's no point in posting the videos yet again.

The left has been having a field day with these videos and frankly I feel sorry for the girl. Obviously these tapes were a mistake. She was fresh out of college, couldn't find a job, had student loans to pay off and saw a way to make some quick money. Maybe she met a guy at the Dennys while she was waiting tables, maybe he told her he had an acting gig for her and maybe she saw it as a quick way to earn a couple of bucks-- how she got in this situation doesn't matter. Obviously she was taken advantage of, obviously things got out of hand and obviously she was made to do things no woman should ever have to do on camera.

What was supposed to be a short student film about a single mother working two jobs to find a better life for her autistic albino son quickly turned into a sleazy attempt to get this young lady to do degrading things on film.

It's a sad reality that young and desperate women that are down on their luck and out of money are being disgraced and taken advantage of by the absolute lowest form of human scum on this planet: Moral Activists. They get you in that room with the phony potted plant, sit you down on that filthy stained couch, shine a light in your face and instruct you to read horribly-written pieces of dialogue like "if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself... then why am I in the picture?" I mean the idea of a woman trying to single-handedly stop fourteen-year-old boys from using their penises like the fire hoses those cops used to shoot black people with during the Civil Rights movement is more far-fetched than three sorority sisters having a 4-way with a pizza delivery guy because they can't pay for their pizza. Really, you don't have $10 between the three of you?

Based on the poor production quality, the awful haircuts, the cheesy music, the unbelievable premise and the cringe-worthy dialogue I think it's obvious this video was meant only to be seen by a very small cross section of America's most vile and detestable citizens. Limited to small book and video shops next to liquor stores in strip malls located in the bad part of town where men hiding inside trench coats and sunglasses look both ways to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside to quench their despicable habits, it's apparent this video was never meant to be seen by normal, well-adjusted and functioning members of society.

When she was talked into performing in this tape Christine had no idea that one day a series of tubes would bring the world instantly to our fingertips and any motion picture caught on video or film would gain a world audience. When Christine regrettably decided to participate in this degrading video there was no way of knowing one day her parents, her friends, and the entire world would see it and feel ashamed for her.

We all make mistakes, maybe we don't go on Politically Incorrect and say that it was wrong for people to lie to Nazis about hiding Jews in their homes, but we all have lapses in judgment that we hope no one else sees. How would you feel if your lowest moment was caught on tape and played on every major news show in America? These videos were obviously never supposed to be seen by people like us and I want to personally reprimand the disgusting, vile, maladjusted, bottom-feeding scumbags that lure down-on-their-luck girls to say and do deplorable things on camera for the titillation of only a few fat, ugly, girlfriendless, perverted, mentally-ill Values Voters.

Shame on you!

While I like to believe O'Donnell has learned her lesson and will never appear in an embarrassing video again, the revelations that she has been living off campaign donations and has racked up thousands in debt by not paying her staff lead me to believe that if things don't rapidly get better for the spunky young Senatorial candidate from Delaware we may see another shameful video of her on the internet spearheading a campaign to make it illegal to have sex with the lights on.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of

As election season nears the races for many Congressional and Senatorial seats are heating up. As September turns into October the debates will become more frequent, town hall meetings will spring up, and rally stages will be set in town squares all over America. Many of the candidates are relative unknowns while others are career politicians looking for another term. With so many people all running how can you possibly keep track of them all? Even if these people don't represent your district it's important to keep up-to-date on all of these elections, for who knows, perhaps the next President is currently running for a Congressional seat in Nebraska or Indiana. Today The Wash O'Hanley Show has gathered some of the most intriguing challengers and incumbents running for Congressional seats all over America and profiled them for you in a new segment I like to call "Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of."

Vern Ehlers - Republican - Michigan 3rd - Incumbent

About Him: A grizzled Vietnam Vet, Ehlers is known for once taking out an entire Platoon of VC with just a hunting knife and a sock puppet. Plagued with PTSD upon his return to an America that didn't want him, he lived in a hollowed-out tree trunk for three years while surviving off the land. Took office after his predecessor was found with his throat slashed.

Interesting Fact: If re-elected, Vern promises to fight cancer to the death in a back-alley knife fight.

Why is He Running: Isn't sure anymore, the fog of war has clouded his memory.

What He's Accomplished: Despite all the physical abuse, his district continues to vote for him because "deep down he didn't mean to hurt us and is sorry." When neighboring districts ask about the bruises, the 3rd just says it walked into a wall on accident.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to hunt down and slaughter anyone that doesn't vote for him with a crossbow.

Worst Gaffe: Called an airstrike on a town hall meeting he was holding.


Bruce Braley - Democrat - Iowa 1st - Incumbent

About Him: Braley is an old-time Democrat in the tradition of Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden, he grew up on a corn farm in Central Iowa and learned the value of a dollar while whoring himself on the streets of Kansas City as a teenager.

Interesting Fact: Due to contractual obligations, Braley must mention Best Foods™ Mayonnaise at least once in every speech or public appearance.

Why is He Running: For the ladies.

What He's Accomplished: Got Congress to recognize the sanctity of a robot-caribou relationship.

Why You Should Vote For Him: It's nice to see him out doing things.

Worst Gaffe: Calls his decision to direct the film "Smokey and the Bandit 3" his greatest moral shortcoming.


Jake Towne - Democrat - Pennsylvania 15th - Challenger

About Him: Kicked out of every college his dad could get him into in the tri-state area, Jake has set his eyes on the biggest frat house of them all: Congress.

Interesting Fact: Once woke up in a dumpster behind the Pizza Hut with the shredded carcass of a raccoon that he'd apparently consumed the previous night and all of his teeth were missing.

Why is He Running: Filled out the wrong form while registering to be a sex offender.

What He's Accomplished: In high school he had the foresight to put that Hustler Magazine Bobby Hillinger found  that they hid in the ditch behind the wall by the storm drain in a plastic bag so it wouldn't get wet when it rained.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to "sock it to those ****ing Fascists in Washington and stuff."

Worst Gaffe: Released several hungry wolverines into the audience of a debate to prove a point about out of control spending.


Ann Marie Buerkle - Republican - New York 25th - Challenger

About Her: Buerkle is a banshee who was freed from cursed bondage in an area cemetery by a group of high school teens 400 years to the day after she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

Interesting Fact: Has a very strong stance on abstinence-only eduction, in that she kills teenagers that are in the midst of sexual intercourse.

Why is She Running: To break the final curse of bondage on the tomb of Ryl'them, as foretold in the Book of the Spirits, which will flood the realm of the living with the spirits of the restless dead who will devour all of mankind in unspeakable darkness and evil.

What She's Accomplished: After getting her M.B.A. from SUNY Purchase, she turned a start-up Consulting Firm into the fourth-largest of its kind in New York State in only five years.

Why You Should Vote For Her: You shouldn't vote for her for any reason at all, but come election day she will appear to you in the voting booth in the form of a beautiful young girl and seduce you, causing you to vote for her. She will then turn back into her hideous banshee form and consume your soul.

Worst Gaffe: Accidentally said "Screw the Troops" at a rally on September 11th.


Nick Coons - Libertarian - Arizona 5th - Challenger

About Him: A regular at city council meetings for over 25 years, Nick Coons finally decided to run for Congress. Coons promises to cut down on wasteful government spending across the board; getting rid of social programs such as schools, police officers and fire fighters. Believes that all of the government's problems can be solved by "putting them in a trailer."

Interesting Fact: Lives in a 1967 Dodge Coronet and keeps all of his possessions in a stolen U-Haul trailer, which is where he gets his campaign slogan, "Put it in a Trailer."

Why is He Running: Has a plan, as detailed on the napkins in his coat pocket, to eventually move all the branches of the U.S. Government into a tractor trailer, which will save tax-payers billions of dollars a year. Coon also has his eye on the Presidency-- in that he wants to privatize the position, saving tax payers about a couple million dollars a year.

What He's Accomplished: Made it illegal to drop stink bombs into overnight parked cars at the Rite-Aid.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Is the only candidate on the ballot who has had a close encounter with the third kind.

Worst Gaffe: Made an unexpectedly reasonable and lucid comment about the state of the Scottsdale-area public school system that confused many undecided voters.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Reflections on 9/11

Well I'm certainly glad 9/11 is over and I can continue talking regularly now. I'm happy to report that in recognition of those who lost their lives in the Twin Towers on that fateful day and all of our men and women who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, I managed to make it for a full 24 hours only saying the word "9/11." In a small way this radio broadcaster was able to understand the loss and hardship that those brave people suffered as a result of terrorism as I attempted to order a KFC Double Down only using the word "9/11" in a drive through. After nearly half an hour the line of cars behind me was wrapping around the fast food franchise and the manager had to come outside so I could point at the picture menu and show him what I wanted. Never forget.


My decision to only say "9/11" yesterday hit another rough patch as I witnessed a horrific traffic accident while enjoying my KFC Double Down in the car. I called 9-1-1 but had trouble directing rescue officials to the scene of the accident only using the words "nine" and "eleven," but am happy to report that even in the heat of that terrible moment I never slipped up.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


9/11 ,

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11: 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.

9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.

9/11 9/11,

Friday, September 10, 2010

Wash O'Hanley on Terry Jones and Quran Burning

It looks like this Mr. Terry Jones has gone from canceling his Quran burning after speaking with a local Imam to "putting it on hold" after finding out the New York City Islamic Center wouldn't be moved:

Jones, leader of the Gainesville, Florida-based Dove World Outreach Center, announced he will travel Saturday to New York to meet with the religious leader behind the planned center, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, about a new location.

But that, too, was questioned.

Rauf and Imam Muhammad Musri, a Florida Muslim leader who appeared with Jones, said later no agreement on a meeting or relocation of the mosque had been reached.

Jones insisted the church "put a temporary hold" on the Quran burning event after he had been told by Musri of a deal to move the New York mosque.

"I am actually very disappointed and very shocked because if this turns out to be true, he [Musri] clearly, clearly lied to us," Jones said Thursday evening. (More)

At this point I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm getting tired of all this back and forth from Jones. One day he wants to burn the Quran, the next he doesn't, then he isn't sure. Make up your mind! We all know Terry Jones used to be the best Quran-burning Pastor in America... back in like 1996. But it's 2010 right now and Jones, while still burning Qurans at a high level well past his prime, is just a shell of his former greatness. The guy holds all the records and I think it's safe to say that unless a young prodigy comes out of nowhere those records are safe. At this point I feel like Jones is just burning Qurans for the publicity, the money, and to keep racking up stats and records.

No one is denying he had a good 2007, and his 2009 was unreal for someone his age, but to come back to Quran burning on such short notice after nearly 6 months rehabbing the tennis elbow he developed from throwing so many Qurans on a pyre in January is going to come back and haunt him. Folks, Terry Jones just isn't at 100% and I feel like he's going to hold his entire congregation back by making another unnecessary comeback. The Dove World Outreach Church has a lot on their plate, and I just feel like while Terry Jones is the most important pastor in their history, there are young up and coming pastors riding the bench right now that need to get some time behind the pulpit if they are going to develop and help this church in the future.

It's time for Terry Jones to step away from Quran burning, as hard as that may be for him. He has dedicated his entire life to burning Islamic holy texts and has accomplished more than any other Islamophobe will ever achieve. To put it simply: he needs to step away with dignity before it's too late. It would honestly be a shame if he sat around these next few days wasting his church's time as they try to move on, only to decide at the last second that he wants one last shot at glory a couple of hours before the first book gets set ablaze. Even if he does come back he's going to be rusty and I don't think the fans who have spent the last 18-20 years following his career want to watch him attempt to throw a book on the fire only to have it get intercepted by a New Orleans Saints defensive back while three of their D-linemen crush him and break his legs.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wash O'Hanley on Fantasy Football

"I don't know if Christians should even be participating in it. Between Bible study, prayer, and church I don't know how anyone could fit any more fantasy activities in their day-to-day schedule."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Homosexuals in the NFL - A Comprehensive List of Gay Players

With the heat of summer now a distant memory and Labor Day now having come and gone, every man across America eagerly awaits as the players of the National Football League march out onto the storied fields in the crisp fall Sunday mornings. Gone are the dog days of summer and with them we can finally stop pretending we care about baseball. Football is America's game and in only a few days we will entertain ourselves with the glorious runs, the razzle-dazzle trick plays, the last second touchdowns and the bone-crushing hits for 22 weeks.

All the men who suit up and take to the field every Sunday afternoon are the epitome of what a real man should be: strong, brave, and fierce. With over 2,000 players on active rosters, practice squads or in free agency, there is always the possibility that there will be at least a few homosexuals. When you work in political media, like I do, you become privy to certain information of a sensitive nature, which I am prepared to share with you all now. Below is an extensive list of suspected homosexuals currently playing in the NFL, as provided by a friend of mine in a high place.

Ray Lewis - Linebacker - Baltimore Ravens

A first round draft choice back in 1996, Lewis has been the face of the Ravens franchise since they moved from Cleveland to Baltimore. During his 14 year NFL career he's amassed 1,770 tackles, 36.5 sacks and 28 interceptions. He's also an 11 time Pro-Bowler and the Most Valuable Player of Super Bowl XXXV. Lewis is considered by most football historians to be the greatest inside linebacker in the history of professional football. In the debate of who the greatest inside linebacker of all time is there are no question marks, but many question marks surround Ray's personal life off the field.

The Evidence:

  • Coaches say his ability to penetrate is second to none.
  • Considering how many tackles he has, one can only assume he really likes touching men.
  • Watches Will & Grace at his locker to get pumped up before games.
  • Spends an unusual amount of time working out.
Carson Palmer - Quarterback - Cincinnati Bengals

The former number 1 overall pick has transformed the Bengals from the biggest laughing stock in the league to a contender in the AFC North. During his tenure as Cincinnati's starting quarterback he has proven to be an efficient game manager with a great arm and superior accuracy. While he claims to be straight and has a wife and two kids, one can only wonder if his portrait of happy marital life is just a front he puts on to fool people into thinking he's not gay.

The Evidence:
  • When meeting new people he often says "I'm a tiger" while growling and pantomime-scratching.
  • Wears his uniform in public when not playing football.
  • Led the league in butt-slaps in 2009.
  • Is described as one of the most accurate passers in the league with the capability to fit the ball into really tight spaces, which begs the question of what other things he can fit in tight spaces.
Al Harris - Cornerback - Green Bay Packers

The dominant defensive back for the Packers has long been known for his in-your-face style of play and dominant shut down abilities. Known as one of the most physical corners in the NFL, could he also be physical off the field?

The Evidence:
  • Was flagged for an illegal use of the hands penalty inside a Green Bay grocery store in April.
  • Spends more time working on his hair than studying opposing offenses.
  • Participates in the celebratory dances of other teams.
  • Shares a hotel room with a teammate during away games.
Vernon Davis - Tight End - San Francisco 49ers

Seen as a bust early in his career, Vernon Davis came into his own during the 2009 campaign and proved himself to be one of the most dominant tight ends in the game; getting invited to his first Pro Bowl along the way. Davis has been known for his volatile personality which has gotten him into trouble in the past, but is he doing things off the field that could also get him in trouble?
  • Majored in Studio Art in college and was an honorary captain of the US Curling Team in the 2010 Winter Olympics.
  • Once wore a Cleveland Browns uniform to a game so he wouldn't be wearing the same thing as anyone else.
  • When asked by a reporter how he managed to get such good separation from Linebacker Lance Briggs after a game against the Chicago Bears, Davis said "we just needed to spend some time apart."
  • Lives and works in San Francisco.
Adrian Peterson - Running Back - Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson has proven himself over the last three seasons as a dominant offensive force and one of the top two running backs in the NFL. In his rookie season he broke the single-game rushing record and holds the record for most yardage earned on the ground in a player's first two years. While on the field he's a freak of nature, the things he does off the field have raised more than a few eyebrows.

The Evidence:
  • Racks up huge amounts of yardage on the ground trying to outrun his gay thoughts.
  • Is often seen wearing the color purple.
  • Has been noted for his ability to find the hole.
  • After fumbling 20 times in three years, league sources have said he spent most of the off season working on his ball-handling skills.

Are All Christians Really Hipsters?

Considering all we know about the Hipsters, has anyone entertained the thought that all Christians are really Hipsters?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Craigslist Shuts Down Adult Ads Section of Website

Craigslist shutdown its adult services listings on Friday replacing the link with a black bar with the word "censored" where the listings previously appeared.
The move comes after years of pressure to remove the ads, including an open letter from 17 state attorneys general in late August. The letter said "sharp public criticism of craigslist's Adult Services section reflects a growing recognition that ads for prostitution -- including ads trafficking children -- are rampant on it." The attorneys general requested Craigslist take immediate action to stop accepting ads since it "cannot, or will not" screen them. (More)
Now where are straight Conservative men like myself supposed to find strapping young guys to carry our luggage during vacations to Southeast Asia?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking is Wrong Again (Surprise!)

Earlier this week an excerpt from Stephen Hawking's new book The Grand Design was published in The Times of London. Hawking's book, a smorgasbord of typical atheistic talking points and straw man arguments meant to make Christians look like a bunch of nit-wits, argues that the universe could have conceivably come from nothing; an assertion that stands in stark contrast to the beliefs of the Christian church.

Christians have long held the belief that in order for anything to exist there must have been a creator. The computer chair that I am currently sitting in did not materialize out of nothing: someone made all of the individual parts and assembled it, allowing me to sit on it right now. Using that logic we can ascertain that the Earth and the galaxy in which we reside did not spontaneously come into existence; someone had to have intelligently designed it.

For many years atheists have attempted (unsuccessfully) to debate that the Earth did not come from a creator, but when asked where, they mumble inaudibly and then attempt to move on to the next answer. Usually saying something like "I can't tell you where we came from, and neither can you, because no one was there to see it." Yet if we have learned nothing else, it is that the galaxy, the Earth, humanity and our ecosystem are all incredibly simplistic entities. Scientists would have you to believe that the human body or the Amazon Rain Forest are all infinitely complex organisms, so in-tune with their surroundings and ingrained with the earth that it is simply ridiculous to accept that they were created by one being, but were instead the product of millions of years of evolution. What atheists and evolutionists forget is that God is capable of anything a human mind can conceive.

Atheists and evolutionists will have you believe that the Earth is billions of years old. They will point to fossils and rock formations that can all be dated back millions of years ago. They will take you to the Grand Canyon and explain that there was no way it could exist if the Earth were only six thousand years old. The believer, filled with the capability to conceive of anything God could theoretically do, would point out that since God is infinitely powerful, he theoretically could have formed it six thousand years ago, but made it look like it was formed billions of years ago.

For you see, readers, God is greater than anything that can be conceived. The human mind is not limitless, but God is. God is greater than the greatest thing you can think of, otherwise he wouldn't be God. What is greater? The gradual erosion caused by a river over the course of millions of years to form a chasm thousands of feet deep, or God making a chasm that is thousands of feet deep that looks like it was made gradually over millions of years, but really only took a few days?

Even if Hawking is correct and the world and the universe did spontaneously come into existence that still doesn't disprove God. God, being greater than nothing coming into existence as the result of nothing, clearly would have greenlit and supervised the nothingness coming into somethingness as a result of nothingness.

"Spontaneous creation is the reason why there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist. It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper [fuse] and set the universe going."

Ultimately, though, my problem with Hawking comes from his callousness. Who does he think he is? What authority does he have to speak on an issue like this? As a physicist, Hawking is as qualified to talk about theological issues as I, a political pundit, am to perform amateur surgery. But just as I only perform minor operations on people during social get-togethers, Hawking should leave the religion-talk for the wine and cheese parties.

As an atheist, as someone who doesn't believe in God, Hawking has no place running his mouth on a subject like this. The creation of our Earth is inherently and wholly a religious and theoretically subject, not a scientific one. Only religious people who have dedicated their entire lives to objectively studying the Bible, earning post-graduate degrees in religious studies from Christian Universities are really qualified to speak on the subject of Earth's creation, and thus far not a single one of the leading Christian researchers in the world have come to the same conclusion as Hawkings. These are people that have far more religious training, who went to Biblical colleges to unbiasedly study religion with an open mind, and determined that the Bible and the word of God is the only true path.

Doctors speak on subjects of medicine, lawyers speak on subjects of the law, economists speak on subjects of the economy while used car salesmen from Arkansas, stay at home mothers of 9 from Kansas and right wing radio pundits from Iowa who at one time in the early 80s made a living writing robot lesbian erotica are qualified to speak on subjects of Religion. Frankly, who cares what Hawking has to say about religion anyway? You wouldn't go to a lawyer if you needed a tooth pulled, you wouldn't see a car mechanic if you needed legal council, why would you go to a physicist for answers to religious questions?


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Asians - The Devil's Squinty-Eyed Servants

Asians - The Devil's Squinty-Eyed Servants
A Comprehensive Guide to Asian People

Types of Asians:
Chinks (China), Nips (Japan), Gooks (Vietnam)


Things Asians do: Asians are the human equivalent of sheep and are prone to similar behaviors. Below is a list of things that many Asians are known to do.

Steal jobs and places in universities from white people- Look around any average US university and what will you notice? The places are all overrun with Asians. Asian people only try hard in middle and high school and get better grades than white people because they want to steal college placement positions that rightfully belong to white kids. Asian people have taken over America's institutions of higher learning and as a result are getting better jobs and making more money than white people. Even the Asians that didn't do well in school are stealing jobs from Americans that didn't do well in school by setting up sweat shops. Americans are losing their jobs to 12 year old Chinese kids that are willing to do the same job for a lot less money.

Poisoning Americans- Asians enjoy making hazardous toys, dog food and tooth paste that kills Americans.

Street Racing- Asians enjoy modifying inferior Asian-made cars and racing them illegally on the streets. Millions of people are killed every year in America as a result of this hobby.

Chinese Restaurants- Chinese Restaurants are the greatest pyramid scheme in the history of mankind. The kitchens in these restaurants are often overrun with cockroaches and rats that get into the food. While Asian people themselves do not actually eat Chinese food, they are more than happy to poison and overcharge "whitey" for Chinese food. They get away with it mostly because of the self-esteem-boosting fortune cookies.

Owning Laundromats- Most Asians own Laundromats because they enjoy smelling people's dirty underwear and masturbating on their clothes.


Asians are all atheists: The vast majority of Asians are atheists and worship Satan. While there are many "religions" in Asia, few promote the existence of a God, salvation or an afterlife of any kind.
  • 59% of the Chinese population is Atheist.
  • Christians are forbidden from bringing Bibles and spreading the word of Christ in most Asian countries.
  • Because they are atheists and do not subscribe to any moral code, nothing is preventing Asian countries from at some time in the future having a higher murder rate than Christian nations like America or Liberia.

All Asian nations are or were Communist:
Every Asian nation is or was at one point was Communist.


Asians have perverted names: Asian people like to choose names like "Wang" and "Dong" as a perverted joke. Nothing gets a little Korean guy's 2" penis harder than hearing a "stupid American" call him Wang during a business meeting. Many Asians also wear bowl haircuts so their heads will look like circumcised penises.


Asians are all cheap like Jews: Never go out to lunch with Asian people: they will never pick up the bill.


Comprehensive list of things Asians have invented: Asians have been responsible for inventing many things throughout the years; none of which have been of any use to normal people in the real world. Asians are incapable of creating anything that isn't sexually perverse or ultra-violent.

Hentai- Asians are so depraved they cannot have normal monogamous relationships; instead preferring to draw out their perverse sexual fantasies in the form of comic books. Typical hentai involves pedophilia, rape, bestiality, incest, transexualism, and tentacle rape (in which a tentacled monster rapes children): all disgusting acts to normal people that are endorsed and celebrated as normal in Asian countries.

Creepy Robots- All Asian people are robosexuals and are only sexually attracted to robots. Unable to connect emotionally with a person of the opposite sex (or even the same sex for that matter) and afraid of being made fun of for their freakishly small penises, Asians build robots that look like humans that will do things with them sexually that most humans wouldn't even be willing to do for money.

Karate is a form of performance art that Asians enjoy playing. Karate involves putting on pajamas and rainbow-colored belts and pretending like you're in an action movie fight sequence. Karate is the the gay version of the manly and American Mixed Martial Arts, made popular by Chuck Norris.

Video Games- Asians invented video games in order to corrupt the moral fiber of the world. Most video games allow the person playing it to do things like murder and rape without repercussion. Some say that video games allow people to act out their fantasies so they won't do them in real life, but in reality these are just training simulators so that the person playing it will be ready for when the time comes to actually rape or murder.

Rice Rockets- Rice Rockets are homosexual Asian motorcycles. The rider of the rice rocket must press their entire genital region on the seat of the bike as they ride. The vibrations from the engine and the road stimulate the rider's sex organs until they become filled with lust and debauchery.


List of Asian "accomplishments": Asians are known for being lazy and stupid. The entire continent of Asia has achieved very little during recorded human history, here is a substantial list of every major thing Asians have accomplished.

The Great Wall of China- Some unimpressive wall out in the middle of no where. Who cares?

Getting blown up by America- Many Asian countries are only famous because America blew them up. Asia is like the Monica Lewinsky of Continents: only famous because someone more powerful and influential blew a load all over them.

Massacres- Asians are despicable and vile "people" that are predisposed to shocking violence and it is not surprising that many of the world's greatest massacres were caused by Asians.
  • The Rape of Nanking stands as one of the worst massacres in the history of mankind.
  • Japanese terrorists attacked innocent Americans at Pearl Harbor without provocation.
  • The Virginia Tech massacre, perpetrated by an Asian, stands as the worst shooting during peacetime on American soil.

Famous Asian people: Despite being the world's most populated continent, Asia is responsible for producing only a handful of famous people, most of whom are disgusting degenerates that the world would be better off without. Below is a list of the most famous and influential Asian people.

Kim Jong Ill- Kim Jong Ill is a Communist dictator who has been responsible for the deaths of millions of people. He is a tyrant that suppresses his people: denying them freedom and forcing them to live in abject poverty. Despite this all Asians revere him and treat him as a God, from Japan to Bhutan.

William Hung- William Hung is an Asian retarded that became famous for being an awful singer on American Idol that everyone in America made fun of. In Asia, however, he is very popular and well-respected.

Seung-Hui Cho- Cho is the perpetrator of the Virginia Tech Massacre: the worst peace-time shooting in the history of the United States. He was a mentally-ill atheist who killed 32 Americans on April 16th, 2007 and is noted for being addicted to internet hentai pornography, playing video games excessively, and being raised by a family that owned a Laundromat. Cho is considered a hero and a celebrity in most Asian nations.

Ang Lee- Director of the gay pornographic film Brokeback Mountain. His film was about two gay cowboys and was meant to undermine American national security by making us look weak to our enemies.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Jimmy Carter Begins Diplomatic Talks to Bring Sexy Back

September 1, 2010

WASHINGTON, DC -- Hot off his successful diplomatic mission to North Korea where he secured the release of a detained U.S. citizen, Jimmy Carter announced his plans to bring Sexy back. At a press conference at Dulles International Airport the former U.S. President expressed his desire to secure the release of Sexy from Brazil.

"I'm hoping the Brazilian Government will have a sit down with me and discuss the possibility of allowing Sexy to return to the United States," the 85 year old humanitarian explained.

During the 29 years since he was last in office Carter has spent much of his time and efforts on securing the release of Americans imprisoned in foreign countries.

"To put it plainly: America needs Sexy back," Carter told members of the press Tuesday morning.

Detained in 2004 while hiking in the mountainous borderlands between Peru and Brazil, Sexy has been living in a jail in the city of Rio Banco since.

The Brazilian government has allowed U.N. peacekeepers to maintain contact with Sexy. They have reported that conditions within the jail are deplorable and that if Sexy requires immediate psychological evaluation.

"The time is right to bring Sexy back," Carter stated. "Both for Sexy's well-being, and for our own sake."

Carter on a fact-finding mission.

Carter pointed out that America is facing its greatest dearth of Sexy in nearly a century. Since 2004 one night stands, strip club attendance, and pregnancies are all down.

One need only glance around La Cantina, a bar near the University of Texas at Austin, to see the devastating effects Sexy's absence has had on colleges all over America.

"You used to see people hooking up in here every night, but now that Sexy's gone you're lucky if you can get a handjob once a month," explained sixth year undergraduate Communications major Doug Robinson, weighing in on the situation.

Critics have asserted that Carter's proposed trip would only serve to embolden the South American country and legitimize their behavior.

"To go down to Brazil and have a sit down with this nation will only lead to America being seen as weak," Senator Chuck Grassley ,R- Iowa, insisted during a phone interview. "Mr. Carter's time would be better spend securing the release of nouns, verbs and adjectives from first-world nations. Why spend so much time getting Sexy back when the French have had Snobbery detained for nearly three centuries? Or how about getting Awkward Romantic Misunderstandings back from England?"

In the face of immense criticism from the Right, Carter has asserted the dire need to bring Sexy back to America.

"I recently judged a wet t-shirt contest in West Palm Beach, [Florida]. To say it was un-sexy would not be sufficient to describe just how flaccid my penis was. Let's just say it was the most inhuman thing I'd ever witnessed, and that's coming from a guy who presided during the Iran Hostage Crisis," a visibly shaken Carter recounted. "Looking at the pictures of the young ladies on the beaches in Rio... I'd like to drop a peanut down that cleavage, I tell you what."

When asked why he was the man for the job, Carter was quick to point out that until 2004 he was "a damn sexy man."

Monday, August 30, 2010

Restoring Honor: A Road Trip Into the Heart of Darkness

August 29, 2009

Whoever refuses to remember the inhumanity is prone to new risks of infection." -Richard Von Weizsaecker

Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally has come and gone and is now but a collection of neurons floating around in the alcohol-damaged brains of the unfortunate denizens that attended the event, most of whom overwhelmed due to it being the first time they've ever stepped foot in a city with a population larger than 25,000 people. Future generations will learn about this monumental meeting of the minds after internet archaeologists stumble upon the ruins of once moderately-popular internet blogs from both sides of the aisle. What will they think? Like archaeologists of today who scavenge the sites of ancient villages for fishing hooks and broken pottery, what will future generations make of Glenn Beck's Restoring America Rally? In all likelihood our great grandchildren and their children may never know about this monumental gathering, for unless the words that Professor Beck shouted at his glossy-eyed mobile Coors Light consuming units spark a peripetia of unparalleled proportion, our great grandchildren will be slaves: owned by Chinese-speaking black gay Mexican slave handlers that forbid reading and learning about the past.

August 26,2009 9:47 am
Thursday morning we packed up the Ford Windstar and headed East: D.C.-bound. Glenn Beck's got some rally going on and all the shakers and movers and big wigs in the Republican Party are gonna be there. According to a 65 year old retired air conditioner installer from Nebraska I talked to in the diner before we left it's gonna be like Burning Man for people that think Barack Obama was born in Kenya. The station is sending me to write something up about it, I take my best friend and personal physician, Miguel Gonzale,z with me; to keep me company and in case something happens.

I'm in the driver's seat, holding it down at a steady 65 miles per hour, seated next to me is Miguel. In the back seat are Karl Rove and Laura Ingraham watching Hannah Montana on the drop-down entertainment system. Together we make up the Upbeat Band of Socially-Responsible Conservative Men and Women That Occasionally Perform Pranks of Varying Hilarity and the Ford Windstar is our home away from home; the base from which our pranks are dreamed up and conducted.

August 26, 2009 12:15 pm
Glenn Beck stated that the inspiration for this rally was the result of divine providence. Four months ago he was on his knees praying to God to give him a sign to help America through these trying times. God told him he already had all the pieces of the puzzle: faith, hope and charity. All three of these things, according to Beck, are found within us. Not surprisingly, this is the same method I employ at the radio station when it comes time to order lunch. Every day, invariably, someone wants pizza, someone else wants Chinese food and someone else wants Mexican. One day I finally got on my knees and asked God what the answer was, and he told me the same thing: that all the pieces of the puzzle are in front of me, all I need to do is put them together. From that day forward we've had burritos stuffed with chow mein and tomato sauce.

At a gas station in Davenport I slip into the back seat, too tired to go on. Karl is in the bathroom and Miguel is buying some Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the mini mart. Laura asks me if I want to do something crazy. Unsure I shrug my shoulders. She puts a strip of something on her tongue, moves in close and kisses me deep, eventually whatever was on her tongue is now in my mouth. I swallow.

"What was that?" I ask.

"A Listerine Breath Strip, baby." She replies.

I stick my finger in my throat and try to make myself throw up, but she stops me.

"Just go with it baby. Pretty soon your breath is gonna be fresher than it's ever been before!"

I look out the window as Miguel and Karl exit the mini mart and make their way toward the car. I straighten up and try to play it cool.

They get in the car and start it up, the engine roars. Suddenly and for no reason Miguel turns around and looks at me, his face is now a giant goat's head: it's eyes missing and blood and matted-down hair covering it. I scream in terror.

"What's wrong, buddy?"

Rove turns around, he's a giant lizard.

"Yea, man, why you freakin' out?"

Laura tells them and they all have a laugh at my expense. Then Laura gives the Rove and Dr. Miguel breath strips. I'm not sure if Miguel is in any condition to operate a motor vehicle at this point but I go with it. Eventually I pass out.

August 26, 2009 2:55 pm
Early reports on the internet and Fox News indicate that this is going to be the most important event of our generation-- like Woodstock only without the sex, drugs and rock and roll and with more uncomfortable subtle racism. Being there will give you the right to say for the rest of your life that you stood there during that momentous moment when Mr. Beck took the stage and changed everything. Never before have more white people gotten together to complain about one black guy. Missing this would be like missing the moon landing because you were having explosive Mexican food diarrhea.

I wake up somewhere on the 80 near Joliet, Illinois, the effects of the breath strip are still with me. Looking around I notice Rove isn't in the car anymore. I notice Laura is sitting up in her seat and looking out the back window of the minivan, I unbuckle my seat belt and pivot around to see what has her attention. Outside the car I see the craziest thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'm not sure if what I'm seeing is real or not, yet I cannot look away. Karl is riding a skateboard while holding onto a rope that's tied to the trailer hitch on the back of the van.

"WE CALL IT ROVE RAGE, BABY!" Laura screams at me, perhaps confirming the worst thoughts that were occupying my mind at the moment.

Karl gives a thumbs up with his left hand and Laura yells at Miguel to go faster. Instantly the car lurches forward. I look at the speedometer: we're going 85.

Artist's rendition of Rove Rage

Aigist 26, 2009 3:15 pm
I'm in a line at a gas station convenience store buying a Code: Red Mountain Dew and a box of Rolaids. The woman in front of me is also going to the rally and we strike up a conversation. She's middle-aged and wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Hitler-mustached Barack Obama being sodomized by Lenin. She's come here all the way from South Dakota to hear Glenn speak and had to take three days off of work to do so. The lost wages, she says, are worth it.

August 26, 2009 3:43 pm
Rumor has it all the water was drained from the reflecting pool and filled with Glenn Beck's tears. Cripples and other people with physical handicaps from all over the tri-state area have come to take advantage of their healing powers.

We pull up at a Wendy's in Gary, Indiana. Outside a group of inner city youth have accumulated around the front door.

"You ready to freak out the establishment?" Rove asks me rhetorically as he, Ingraham and Miguel pull plastic party masks over their faces; all of them white rabbits.

Before I can say anything all three jump out of the Windstar and make their way toward the kids.

"You kids go to school today?" Rove asks the kids. "Are you respectful of your teachers? Do you go to church? You do your homework?"

They nod yes to every question.

"Well let this be a lesson to you."

He pulls a glock out of the waist of his pants and points it at the kids.

"Gimme your wallets."

They do as he says. Once he has all their wallets everyone starts backing toward the Windstar. "Let that be a lesson to you. NEVER TRUST WHITEY, BITCHES!"

He laughs hysterically as we all pile back into the Windstar. Just then a huge black guy exits the Wendy's eating a frosty. The kids run over to him and point at us.

"Oh shit! Step on it, Miguel!" Laura screams.

He slams the car into reverse, backs out of the parking space, and then screeches into drive. The black guy pulls out a hand gun and starts firing at the van. After three shots the back window shatters. Luckily no one is hurt and we speed off back for the interstate.

August 27, 2009 12:14 pm
Laura insists we pick up a hitch-hiker we come across on the 70 somewhere in rural Pennsylvania-- somewhere near West Virginia. She's a cute girl; no older than 19, blond hair. She says she's headed to see her boyfriend in Florida: a runaway. We get to know each other for a while. At some point Rove pulled off the interstate and is driving down a two-lane road through some dense wooded area. He stops the car and gets out. Suddenly and without warning Laura wraps a handkerchief around the girl's head. The girl tries to scream but nothing but a muffled noise comes out. Rove goes to the back of the Windstar and pulls a length of rope from his duffle bag. He uses the rope to tie the girl's arms behind her back. He picks her up and drops her on a ditch on the side of the road, takes her pants off and proceeds to rape her for a prolonged period of time while Laura cackles devilishly and spits and rubs dirt on the girl's face.

"STIMULATE MY ECONOMY YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Karl screams at the girl as he violently rapes her.

I bury my head under my pillow and cry. I think about the Restoring Honor Rally: our reason for going this far to try and drown out the girls muffled cries and Rove's disgusting sex noises. I can hear the no doubt inspiring words that Mr. Beck will only in a short time utter; their notes transcending time as they go down in history as some of the most important ever uttered.

Finally Rove and Laura get back in the car and we start moving again. The girl isn't with us.

Missing since last week

August 27, 2009 9:54 pm
I've become increasingly terrified by the unpredictable behavior Rove and Laura have been exhibiting thus far on the trip. I fear for my life and the lives of those we may run into down the road. I think of my wife and cry myself to sleep.

August 28, 2009 10:00 am

I wake up expecting to be in our Nation's capital, only to find myself outside a project in East Baltimore.

"Calm the piffle down, O'Hanley" Rove instructs me. "I just need to pay someone a visit."

We're going to miss the rally. Apparently Rove and Laura don't care.

Rove and Laura get out of the Windstar and go into the project, leaving Miguel and I. Are the keys in the ignition? No. Dammit. We have no way out of here. What are we going to do?

A group of street thugs standing in front of a liquor store are eyeing us from across the street. I don't like this one bit. Suddenly a gun shot rings out and fifteen seconds later Rove and Laura run out of the project. Rove is carrying a sawed-off shotgun and Laura has a zip-lock bag full of something white, but I can't tell what it is. Rove jumps in the front, starts the car and peels out.

"I told Ultimate Charles not to piffle with me!"

"You did what had to be did." Laura replies.

Rove turns to Miguel.

"Do I look like a Hungry Hungry Hippos?"


"Then why that nigga tryin' to play me?"

August 28, 2009 11:45 am
I'm thinking back to a simpler time. As a boy I used to go to my aunt's house in rural Minnesota. Out in the yard she had a tire swing hanging from a centuries old Eastern White Pine. Sometimes if you went outside at the right time of the year you could watch the sun set through the middle of the tire and it'd be like the tire was a big eye looking back at you.

"We need to set some ground rules." Says Rove, breaking the silence I've been enjoying. "You know what they say?" He turns and looks at Miguel and I in the back seat. I wish he'd keep his eyes on the road. "Snitches get stitches."

Laura turns around and accompanies this statement with a finger slicing across her throat while making a cutting noise.

August 28, 2009 2:24 pm
Rove pulls up in front of a Burger King off the side of the interstate. I'm not an expert when it comes to the whereabouts of places in Washington DC, but I know this isn't Washington DC.

"Get out."

Miguel and I do so without thinking, forgetting to grab out things in the process. Once outside of the Windstar. Maniacal laughing can be heard as the two Right Wing lunatics drive out of sight.

The morbidly obese, totally un do-able black woman behind the counter at Burger King informs us that we're in Glasgow, Delaware. There's no way we're going to make it to DC at this point. The opportunity to see Mr. Beck speak is now gone. We had an opportunity to be a part of that historic moment in our nation's history when everything changed forever and we blew it. On the walk to our hotel Miguel and I argued about just how amazing Beck's speech was. Would it be like the Gettysburg Address and Mel Gibson's speech at the end of Braveheart being read by Mike Ditka or would it be Jesus' sermon on the mound sung by a choir of angels as Nancy Pelosi gets decapitated by a bear in a clown outfit while the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders get rowdy and wash a car? The only way to find out would be to watch it on youtube.

August 28, 2009 4:03 pm
In the hotel lobby we kicked a 14 year old girl checking her myspace page off the computer and accessed youtube.com. The top video was Mr. Beck's speech. We prepared ourselves and clicked the link. Then found out there were no speakers on the computer.

August 28, 2009 4:05 pm
In the business center there is a man using his laptop to e-mail something or streamline some bullcrap or something. Anyway, we jacked his laptop and brought it over to youtube.com. We got the video up and got ready to play it. Before clicking the play button I stopped Miguel.

"This may be the greatest moment of our lives." I said.

Miguel nodded, we both understood the gravity of the situation and hit the play button, prepared to have our lives changed forever. There will never be any going back.

August 28, 2009 4:21 pm
"What the shit just happened? Was that cool or did that suck cause I can't tell? I don't know. Let's sign this business guy up for a bunch of gay porn newsletters and go back to Iowa."

Friday, August 27, 2010

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ

Christian Missionaries to Brooklyn Unsure if Ironic New York Hipsters are Really Serious About Christ
August 27, 2009

Brooklyn, NY-- Christian missionaries from the Landover Baptist Church have hit a roadblock in their efforts to bring the word of Christ to the people of Brooklyn, as they are completely unable to tell if the ironic hipsters of the New York City borough are actually serious about their interest to learn about Jesus.

Hipsters are a subculture of city-dwelling twenty-to-forty-year-old's who are marked by their self-perceived creativity, outlandish and vintage sense of fashion, appreciation of independent music and films, and irritating ironic personalities.

The trouble all started when efforts to convert the artistic and well-educated scenesters were met with overwhelming success.

"The figures right now are drastically different than any other region or demographic group we’ve come across in the past," explained missionary John Carlton of Freehold, Iowa. "These are young people coming from upper-middle class families who hold college degrees, yet our success rate has been dubiously high."

Traditionally young Caucasians with college educations are near-impossible to witness to, but the ironic New York hipsters can't seem to get enough of the message these missionaries deliver.

Carlton continued, "On a good day we may be lucky and convert an old Korean woman at the senior center or a strung-out meth addict at the homeless shelter, but to get these kinds of numbers from this demographic is unreal." Carlton added, "Right now we're getting eight out of every ten people we speak with to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. To put that number into perspective: during our trip to Mozambique last winter we were only converting six out of every ten people, and we were giving them food and water in exchange for their testimony."

Missionary to Brooklyn John Carlton can't decide if he's just saved three souls or been made fun of.

While the Christians are winning a high ratio of hipster souls, many of them are worried about the sincerity of the people they are witnessing to.

"I spent an hour yesterday at an organic fair-trade vegan sidewalk bistro eating $30 hand-crafted artisan arugula tacos with a young girl wearing a granny dress and a pair of non-prescription thick-framed bifocals. After I stressed the dangers of hell and her eternal soul she said 'Suuuuuuuuure, I'll become a Christian,'” explained college sophomore and church member Becky Gilmore. “While at first I was exhilarated to win my first soul, it dawned on me that something about her tone sounded insincere.”

Many of the hipsters the team has converted did so with smirks on their faces while others tweeted during the Lord's Prayer and took pictures of themselves with the missionaries for their Myspace pages.

Caleb Norwood, a bicycle coffee deliver boy and freelance part time DJ went so far as to call all of his friends to come watch him get baptized.

"It was really difficult to concentrate on the ceremony with all of his friends hysterically laughing the whole time," said John Carlton.

The missionaries were especially taken aback by how many of the ironic hipsters have never even heard of Jesus Christ.

"We knew the situation was going to be bad going in, but we had no idea how dire the reality was," said Nolan Mason, a member of the group. "To speak with white twenty to thirty year old men and women of apparent middle-class upbringings in the American Midwest that have flat out never heard the name Jesus Christ is truly heart-breaking."

"Skinny white guy, long brown hair, beard, white robe, turned water into wine, fed an entire village with one loaf of bread, walked on water, died and then resurrected," an exasperated and sweating Carlton preached to a dumbfounded-looking audience on a street in Bushwick. "None of this is ringing a bell?"

Roughly 95% of the hipsters the team have encountered were totally unaware of Jesus Christ, even as a historical figure, while a scant 5% confused him with various pop culture figures from the 1980s including John Hinkley Junior, Conan the Barbarian and the robot from Short Circuit.

"Jesus Christ? He was the actor from that sitcom about the guy who pretended to be gay so he could live with two female roommates, right?" Park Slope resident Meghan Ryan asked.

“They’re so quaint and authentic,” Josh Watson, the bearded bassist for the underground post-rock band Al Gore and part time freelance graphic designer explained. “Having people like them around reminds me of my boyhood days in Wisconsin. The least we can do is humor them.”

Tonight the missionaries pack up and fly back to Iowa, unsure if their mission was an overwhelming success or abject failure. When asked if they were excited about how many new souls they had brought to Christ the missionaries huddled up for a long time and finally replied with “We don’t know.” While the results of this trip have been a mixed bag, the Christians are looking forward to their trip to Chicago in November, where they will witness to improvisational sketch comics.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ground Zero Mosque, the First Amendment and the 14th Amendment (for some reason)

It doesn't surprise me in the least that thick-skulled Liberals and terrorist Muslims are hiding behind the First Amendment on the issue of the Ground Zero Mosque as evidence that it should be erected. While the Bill of Rights does protect the free exercise of any religion, you must understand the context in which it was written.

Consider the 14th Amendment for a moment. The 14th Amendment states in section 1 that:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 

Now I'll admit, it SOUNDS like this Amendment is saying that a person from another country can come to America, have a baby, and that baby is an American citizen. I'll give you that. It does SOUND like that. But the truth of the matter, as explained by Professor Glenn Beck, is far more complicated:

Okay. We are the only country in the world that has anchor babies and do you know why we have anchor babies? We have anchor babies because the Democrats in Reconstruction tried to say, "Oh, well, you can free the slaves, but they're not citizens. So when they have a baby, the baby's got to go back to Africa." Really, Democrats? That's that was as good as you had? That's what it was. That's why we had anchor babies. We had to put that into the Constitution so you couldn't claim that they weren't citizens. Well, now, look what it's turned into. There was no Sunset on that. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/44444/ 

That's right, the 14th Amendment was added to the Constitution after the Civil War to protect the children of freed slaves because the Democrats wanted to send them back to Africa for not being American citizens. This Amendment protected those children as being American citizens so they could continue to live with their parents while they got their rap careers/urban wear companies started. Unfortunately our founding fathers who wrote this Amendment after the Civil War in 1868 didn't have the foresight (due in some part, one would assume, to the fact that most of our founding fathers were in their late hundred and twenties by 1868) to include a date on which this Amendment would no longer be valid. As a result, people from all over the world, many of whom terrorists, have breached our borders in the vulnerable Arizona and Texas regions to have terrorist anchor babies who they will raise to hate America.

What does all of this have to do with the First Amendment? Just like the 14th Amendment, which our decrepit and senile founding fathers forgot to pen with a sunset clause, the First Amendment was also supposed to only apply to a certain group and expire at a certain time.

You must understand the context of the First Amendment and why it was included in the Bill of Rights in the First place. Why was America even founded in the first place? The first colonists to reach Plymouth Rock in 1620 had come here for the specific purpose of escaping religious intolerance in their own land, and to develop a society that was accepting of all faiths. But I ask you, humble listeners, what faith was most prevalent in those days? If you answered with "Christianity" you're correct! The pilgrims were all Christians, the colonists were all Christians and all of our American patriots of that era were Christians. When the first Amendment was penned in the Bill of Rights the markings on those pages were being made by hands that had witnessed religious persecution for being a certain sect of Christianity, and with the swiping of that feather they abolished the idea of Christian persecution at the hands of a governing body in this country until Obama was elected President.

Unfortunately, like the 14th Amendment, the First Amendment didn't come with a sunset clause either. No American Christian living today has been subject to religious persecution in their state (unless you consider being arrested for attempting to kidnap Terri Shiavo's dormant body out of a Florida hospice days before her death to be religious persecution). But like the 14th Amendment, which says that anyone born in America is an American citizen, but means something completely different, so too does the First Amendment say one thing and mean something else. Let's take a look at the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Now I will concede that the part I put in bold does sound like there are no Constitutional Grounds on which to prevent the building of the Mosque on top of the site where the World Trade Centers once stood, but take a look at my changes, added in red, that clarify exactly what the founders intended:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of the Christian religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 
Our founding fathers knew of no Muslims because they weren't around in America at that time. They didn't have the foresight to include special provisions for special religions that didn't exist in America at that time. Had our founding fathers known that Muslims would soon overrun our major cities and gain a monopoly on the taxi-driving industry things would most certainly have been different. Case in point: go look at any painting depicting an American street or city in colonial times. Notice any street vendors selling Falafels? Me neither.

The First Amendment, as our founding fathers envisioned it, did not include Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Mormons or Catholics. The rights ensured to all citizens in that hallowed document were only meant to be extended to people of the Christian faith, and in light of this I, and many other Conservatives, believe it is time to rethink and re-write this Amendment to the form that our founding fathers truly wanted it.

You may be saying: "But Wash, I thought you've said on numerous occasions back in 2008 that the Constitution is not a living document?" This is true, the Constitution is NOT a living document, but there are still grounds on which we may change the words on this document if it is necessary. For the Constitution is not a dead document either. That's right, the Constitution is neither living nor dead... the Constitution is UNDEAD; rising from the sweet embrace of the grave to wander the streets of our fair cities, it's only form of sustenance the brains of our slower, fatter and dumber citizens as huddled bands of survivors live on rooftops and cellars, hording whatever food and weapons they can amass in anticipation of that one last battle.

The only way to stop the Constitution at this point is to separate its brain from its body, and when you do that, getting rid of the 14th Amendment and preventing the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque on political grounds makes a lot more sense.