"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Classic Quotes

"I wish us Conservatives could just solve the whole birther thing so we can go back to focusing on proving the Holocaust never happened." - Wash O'Hanley 6/12/12

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My Opinions on Romney: Then vs. Now

Now that Romney has all but gained the Republican nomination for President of the United States in this upcoming election it is time for all us Republicans to get behind this candidate, like him or not, and bolster him to the top come November. True, I've slung a lot of negativity at Romney these last few months in hopes that another candidate would defeat him, but for every critical statement like "I'd rather pay a 12 year old Mexican anchor baby my year's salary to set an M-80 off in my urethra and then let a colony of fire ants have their way with whatever's left of my manhood than see someone as patently unqualified as Mitt Romney win the Presidency (February 15th, 2012)," there's a dozen beaming statements of endorsement like "It looks like I'm going to have to vote for Romney come November (April 19th, 2012)." In other words I've come around to the guy.

In the following post I'm going to juxtapose my comments that were critical of Romney vs. my recent shining comments of our Republican Presidential candidate to show that I am truly behind this guy.

Slightly critical quote:
"Mitt Romney is so out of touch with the average American it's like he's some sort of autistic robot that hails from a distant planet that's made entirely out of money. I don't see any scenario where he wins the majority of blue collar votes (September 26th, 2011)."

Vs. gleaming example of my approval of this candidate:
"I think many Americans will have no problem voting for Mitt Romney come November (April 20th, 2012)."

Harsh but fair observation about Romney:
"Every time this guy opens his mouth it seems like he is trying to compete with Santorum to see who can alienate female voters the quickest. I would go so far as to say that a life-sized cardboard cutout in a 7-11 of Charles Barkley selling Vagasil has a better chance of winning the female vote at this point (February 6th, 2012)."

Vs. Extremely positive endorsement:
"I think that his record on women's rights issues speaks for itself (April 16th, 2012)."

Taken out of context this does seem rather harsh, and taken in context it's also pretty harsh:
"Romney has been trying to drum up support by ritualistically committing political suicide every time he's in front of a microphone by putting on some kind of bizarre Christo-Facsist, Woman-hating Kabuki theater and it's not going to work (March 8th, 2012)."

Vs. What I truly believe:
"I believe the Romney campaign has made a series of very sound political decisions to get to where it is today."

Slightly negative comment:
"Romney flip flops so much you'd think he's a fish out of water. And like that invasive Asian Carp I caught last week, all I want to do is bash his brains in with an oar to help prevent him from continuing to poison America (August 13th, 2011)."

Vs. Beaming praise of our future Republican nominee:
"Romney's change of heart on a variety of subjects shows a certain level of maturity, and I believe his varying stances will make him appealing even to Liberal voters (April 18th, 2011)."

A little rough:
"The Romney Presidency would be a bigger abortion than the one his parents should have gotten (June 11th, 2011)."

Vs. How I feel now:
"Mitt Romney is a candidate for the Presidency in 2012 (April 14th, 2012)."

Extremely harsh but still warranted criticism:

"The only way I will vote for Mitt Romney is if he uses his Mormon witchcraft to curse me, causing me to vote for him against my will, at which point, faced with the knowledge that I've just voted for Romney, I will fling myself out a tenth story window and plunge to my horrible death (April 9th, 2012)."

Vs. My current opinion:
"Yes, I'm planning on voting for Mitt Romney (April 10th, 2012)."

So hopefully this clears a few things up about my stance on Mitt Romney: I support the man fully for the Presidency and plan on voting for him in November, unless Chris Christie jumps into the race.

Friday, March 16, 2012

If Rick Santorum believes something enough it becomes real

As the year 2012 marches on and the three remaining legitimate candidates for the GOP nomination work overtime to round up the remaining delegates needed to win, just about anything can be said in hopes of rounding up a few more votes. As the candidates loosen their collars to appeal to working class voters in Ohio, build up their religious faith to voters in Oklahoma, and talk about savagely beating a young black boy to death with a mattock handle and dumping the body in a river to appeal to Southern voters, we here at award-eligible Wash O'Hanley Show will be taking an in-depth and hard-hitting look at everything these candidates say. As Romney, Santorum and Gingrich try to drum up support by ritualistically committing political suicide every time they're in front of a microphone by putting on some kind of bizarre Christo-Facsist, Woman-hating Kabuki theater, the real victims are the American people, too lazy and/or stupid to look up the facts for themselves and too trusting to look past the vague half-truths and see them as blatant lies being spouted to scare them into an anti-incumbent frenzy.

At a campaign stop last month in Colombia, Missouri, Presidential candidate and right-wing performance artist Rick Santorum made a shocking statement about euthanasia in the Netherlands:

“In the Netherlands, people wear different bracelets if they are elderly. And the bracelet is: ‘Do not euthanize me.’ Because they have voluntary euthanasia in the Netherlands but half of the people who are euthanized — ten percent of all deaths in the Netherlands — half of those people are enthanized involuntarily at hospitals because they are older and sick. And so elderly people in the Netherlands don’t go to the hospital. They go to another country, because they are afraid, because of budget purposes, they will not come out of that hospital if they go in there with sickness.” -Rick Santorum, February 3rd, 2012.
Involuntary euthanasia! Mass slaughterings of the elderly! Bracelets that beg doctors not to euthanize you (note: 'Do Not Euthanize Me' bracelets are not a non-douchey substitute to a 'Livestrong' bracelet)! All of this would be especially horrific if even one solitary syllable were actually based in any kind of fact that we as humans have agreed via thousands of years of society as being fact what so ever. As it turns out, according to The Washington Post, absolutely none of what The Frothy One said is even close to being true:

Under the Dutch law, a doctor must diagnose the illness as incurable and the patient must have full control of his or her mental faculties. The patient must voluntarily and repeatedly request the procedure, and another doctor must provide a written opinion agreeing with the diagnosis. After the death, a commission made up of a doctor, a jurist and an ethical expert also are required to verify that the requirements for euthanasia have been met.
The article goes on to state that even Santorum's numbers about 10% of the Dutch population dying annually from euthanasia and 50% of those being involuntary are also bogus.

Folks, it would be easy for us to cast stones at this man and question him on why he would use such blatant falsehoods as fact to gain support for his political campaign, but what would that accomplish? Ruin his campaign by exposing how dangerously incompetent and unfit this man truly is to run for office? As a Christian I am always looking to forgive the sinner and underneath this story of shocking lies, pathetic pandering, and a frothy mixture of anal lubrication and feces, there has to be an answer.

Meet Santorum spokeswoman and pre-op tranny Alice Stewart, who so eloquently explained:

"A lot of these things... it's just what's in his heart.
Case closed. Although credit is also due to the reporter in the video, who kept his composure and didn't bludgeon Stewart to death with his microphone after hearing her answer. Kudos. You see, in the race for the most important position of power in the entire solar system, it's not the "facts" that matter-- it's what's in the candidate's heart. What he believes to be true is all that matters, and really, isn't the ability to conceive of horrible things and then present them as horrible and take a stand against them a far greater measuring stick of a candidate's aptitude for this job than anything else?

I am personally appalled that in England, in order to keep Christian populations down, Christian couples are limited to only having one child, and if they have a second child it is sold to Vietnamese longshoremen. In an increasingly secular and anti-Christian society under Barack Obama, this could very well be a reality if Christians everywhere don't do something to stop it.

Now granted, none of what I just said is even close to being true and the majority of it is some nonsense I heard an inebriated wino screaming in a dumpster behind the liquor store last night, but isn't it really reassuring that I am vehemently opposed to selling Christian babies to Vietnamese longshoremen? To me it doesn't matter that in the Netherlands elderly people aren't forced into euthanasia against their will under socialized medicine, the fact that Prick Santorum is against that idea is really all that matters to me. The fact that Santorum would stand up against a system that would send elderly people to their deaths against their will lets me know that this man has theoretical morals. That this man has theoretical values. That this man will stand up for what is theoretically just.

As long as you believe in your heart that evils theoretically exist and you are theoretically willing to do anything you can to fight them, you are also theoretically a good and noble person.

I have spent a lot of time with Mr. Santorum over the years and I have gotten to know him quite well. During this campaign a lot has been said about his social beliefs and many have questioned if someone with beliefs as radical as his is fit to run the White House. On many social issues he is aligned with the Conservative right: he opposes gay marriage, abortion, the welfare state, and the exclusion of Christian rhetoric from our government discourse. In many other regards, though, his positions seem "out-there," dated, and archaic: he opposes sex outside of marriage, he opposes sex for any purpose other than procreation, he opposes sex, as President he wants to ban pornography, and he rejects the use of legal contraceptives. Many have questioned the sanity of someone that is willing to take on the legality of pornography, contraceptives or teens sticking their penises in any hole they can stick their penises inside of. These are tired debates that happened decades ago and are now looked on with disappointment as having taken place in an era of sexual repression by a bunch of prudes. Knowing Santorum, however, I can say this isn't the case.

Rick Santorum opposes pornography because young women in the Czech Republic are regularly abducted off the streets and forced to perform in hot girl-on-girl action against their wills. If America does not ban the production, sale and consumption of pornography this could be a very real threat on the streets of our American towns. Even though there is absolutely no evidence that this happens in the Czech Republic, doesn't Rick Santorum sound like a really nice guy with real values for opposing such an awful theoretical human rights violation?

Likewise, Rick Santorum opposes the use of contraception because lax drug policies have allowed cheap Cambodian knock-offs of popular birth control pills to flood the French markets where thousands of young women have had their uterus unexpectedly shrivel up and eject from their body through their vagina like an escape pod launching out of a space ship. Now, before you throw your birth control pills out the window in rage it should be noted that not one instance of a uterus being launched out of a woman's body like a human cannonball circus act has been reported in France, but the mere fact that Rick Santorum would think this up and then be against it has to be reassuring to woman's health advocates the world over.

After the legalization of gay marriage in Argentina in 2010, it has been socially acceptable for roving gangs of homosexuals to hunt down anyone who opposes gay marriage, tear off their penis, and use it to make a traditional native fertility figurine. If gay marriage is legalized in the USA the same will happen. Even though absolutely no evidence of any kind, whether it be legal document or even local legend exists to back that story up, isn't it good to know Rick Santorum is willing to enact laws to ensure roving gangs of homosexuals won't tear off your penis and use it to make an offering to Chiconahui? What a great guy!

The same can be said for the Bible. When taken as literal fact aren't the stories of the Bible a little... out there? Certainly. But it doesn't make them feel any less real. Did God really destroy the city of Sodom and Gomorrah in a rain of fire? Did Noah really gather two of every animal and travel the seas after a great flood? Did Jesus Christ really heal lepers, turn water into wine and walk on water? Logically the stories make little sense in a modern world of science and reason, but in a world of imagination and wonder --the world Rick Santorum occupies-- they all make perfect sense. Maybe the stories of the Bible are just parables meant to shape our lives and teach us how to be better people, but that doesn't make them less real.
Maybe that is how we should interpret the Rick Santorum Presidential candidacy. The things Rick Santorum say aren't meant to be taken as absolute fact, for they harken from an antiquated time that has little resemblance to our own. This is not a time that can be measured in A.D. or B.C. No, it is its own parallel time that runs independent of our own. A time called "B.S."

In B.S. the things Rick Santorum say make perfect sense as both a reminder of how to live our lives and a literal record for things that have happened. Perhaps in our time a Cambodian birth control pill won't cause your uterus to rip out of your vagina like the alien from Alien, but in B.S. that actually happened! In B.S. all the horrible things that Rick Santorum (and Lyndon LaRouche) can come up with actually happened and Rick Santorum stood up against them. Rick Santorum is theoretically a really nice guy.

To some Rick Santorum may seem like a completely batshit nuts, douchebag, fascist, conspiracy theorist whose entire life mission is to dictate what goes in and out of every female's reproductive orifice in the United States while popularizing his own brand of frigid Christian sexual morality that has reduced him to the sad husk of a clearly repressed "man." (Try watching Rick and his wife have sex some time, it's like two people of below-average sexual attractiveness plank on top of each other. Wait... what am I saying "like?" [Also, if Rick Santorum asks you to film him and his wife doing it, just say no: I fell for that three times]) But to those of us who -see- him, who -understand- him, he is so much more. He is a truly great man who has an active imagination, but ultimately wants what's best for for the world. Maybe he makes things up, but in that imaginary world that he occupies called "B.S." he has always been on the side for what is right, and when it comes to voting for a President, isn't that what it's all about? Well, that and whether or not you want to have a beer with the guy.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Support Joseph Kony!

"Everything Joseph Kony has done has its foundations in the Bible and these attacks against him are also an attack against all Christians. You cannot be a Christian and not support Joseph Kony." -Wash O'Hanley, Conservative Radio Pundit, Author, Social Commentator, American and Christian Hero

Joseph Kony is a Ugandan hero and a friend of all Christians everywhere. Since the 1980's, Kony, the leader of his own army called the "Lord's Resistance Army," has worked tirelessly in his efforts to rid Central Africa of Muslims and bring about a theocracy that is based on the Ten Commandments.

Joseph Kony is currently being unfairly chastised by our Godless Liberal media as being some kind of inhuman monster. They say he abducts children and forces them into a life of fighting or sex-servitude. I know this is not true for I have known Joseph Kony for many years and consider him to be a close personal friend of mine. I hope that the following will convince you that Joseph Kony is not nearly as bad as the media has painted him to be. Joseph Kony is as True a Christian as they come and all Christians around the world must stand up against this injustice against one of our brothers.

An attack again Joseph Kony is an attack against the Christian faith.

Some facts about Joseph Kony:
  • Joseph Kony has been known to be so serious about his love of God that once a year he travels to the top of a mountain in Uganda and lies in quiet prayer in the hot sun for days at a time while termites devour his skin.
  • Joseph Kony is on a crusade for God and his son, Jesus Christ, and has been known to paint crosses on his soldier's chests to prevent them from being struck by bullets (because only the lord can protect you from harm. [Psalms 121:7])
Joseph Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army are Christians who believe in Democracy and Freedom:

God is the one helping us in the bush. That’s why we created this name, Lord’s Resistance Army. And people always ask us, are we fighting for the Ten Commandments of God. That is true – because the Ten Commandments of God is the constitution that God has given to the people of the world. -Vincent Otti (Former Deputy-Leader of the LRA)
According to Secretary for External Affairs and Mobilisation, James Obita, the purpose of the LRA is to:
  • To fight for the immediate restoration of competitive multi-party democracy in Uganda.
  • To see an end to gross violation of human rights and dignity of Ugandans.
  • To ensure the restoration of peace and security in Uganda.
  • To ensure unity, sovereignty and economic prosperity beneficial to all Ugandans
  • To bring to an end to the repressive policy of deliberate marginalization of groups of people who may not agree with the National Resistance Army's ideology.
Ensuring Democracy, ending human rights violations, restoring peace, ensuring unity and ending marginalization of minorities? Does that sound familiar? It sounds like the goals of the United States as well. Joseph Kony loves freedom, democracy and America and even went so far as to name one of his sons George Bush, after America's greatest President.

You cannot be a Christian and not support Joseph Kony

Common misconceptions about the LRA:

Q: Does the LRA commit acts of violence against their enemies?
A: Of course, they are an army. However, it is important to note that most of their supposed crimes have been greatly exaggerated.

Q: Does the LRA use child soldiers?
A: Yes, but it's important to remember that no where in the Bible is the use of child soldiers either expressly condemned or condoned. From a Christian Biblical context there is absolutely nothing wrong with the use of children soldiers in a war.

Q: Does the LRA kidnap young girls and use them as sex slaves?
A: Yes, however it is important to remember that the Holy Bible is extremely pro-slavery and has numerous pro-slavery verses and chapters. Take Deuteronomy 21: 10-14 for example:

When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house
, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.
According to the Bible there is nothing wrong with taking a female slave for the purposes of sex.

Joseph Kony: translating the Old Testament into our modern world

By Biblical standards Joseph Kony is hardly an inhuman killing machine...
Instead he is quite the contrary. Joseph Kony is painted as a monster by our Liberal media, yet if he'd been leading the Lord's Resistance Army in the Old Testament days our children would be learning about him as a hero in their Sunday School classes. By all Biblical accounts and standards he has done nothing wrong! Take, for example, the war between Moses and the Midianites in Numbers 31. After the sons of Israel defeated the armies of the Midianites, sacked their cities and slayed their kings, God DEMANDED that they kill all the male children of the town and all the women who were not virgins and to take all the virgin girls for themselves.

Joseph Kony is being unfairly persecuted by those who hate God and wish to persecute us for our beliefs. By the standards of the Holy Bible, where we derive all that is right and wrong, Joseph Kony has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has in fact worked constantly and totally in accordance with God's perfect word. Christians everywhere, from all countries, must rise up together and stand united for our persecuted brother. BEING A CHRISTIAN MEANS SUPPORTING JOSEPH KONY!

Take the pledge with me. Together we can stop this persecution and blatant intolerance towards Joseph Kony and other Christians around the world. Reply to this post by saying "I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I SUPPORT JOSEPH KONY!" So that everyone around the world can see that Christians will not stand for this attack on our religion.