If Rick Santorum believes something enough it becomes real

As the year 2012 marches on and the three remaining legitimate candidates for the GOP nomination work overtime to round up the remaining delegates needed to win, just about anything can be said in hopes of rounding up a few more votes. As the candidates loosen their collars to appeal to working class voters in Ohio, build up their religious faith to voters in Oklahoma, and talk about savagely beating a young black boy to death with a mattock handle and dumping the body in a river to appeal to Southern voters, we here at award-eligible Wash O'Hanley Show will be taking an in-depth and hard-hitting look at everything these candidates say. As Romney, Santorum and Gingrich try to drum up support by ritualistically committing political suicide every time they're in front of a microphone by putting on some kind of bizarre Christo-Facsist, Woman-hating Kabuki theater, the real victims are the American people, too lazy and/or stupid to look up the facts for themselves and too trusting to look past the vague half-truths and see them as blatant lies being spouted to scare them into an anti-incumbent frenzy.

At a campaign stop last month in Colombia, Missouri, Presidential candidate and right-wing performance artist Rick Santorum made a shocking statement about euthanasia in the Netherlands:

Quote:

“In the Netherlands, people wear different bracelets if they are elderly. And the bracelet is: ‘Do not euthanize me.’ Because they have voluntary euthanasia in the Netherlands but half of the people who are euthanized — ten percent of all deaths in the Netherlands — half of those people are enthanized involuntarily at hospitals because they are older and sick. And so elderly people in the Netherlands don’t go to the hospital. They go to another country, because they are afraid, because of budget purposes, they will not come out of that hospital if they go in there with sickness.” -Rick Santorum, February 3rd, 2012.

Involuntary euthanasia! Mass slaughterings of the elderly! Bracelets that beg doctors not to euthanize you (note: 'Do Not Euthanize Me' bracelets are not a non-douchey substitute to a 'Livestrong' bracelet)! All of this would be especially horrific if even one solitary syllable were actually based in any kind of fact that we as humans have agreed via thousands of years of society as being fact what so ever. As it turns out, according to The Washington Post, absolutely none of what The Frothy One said is even close to being true:

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Under the Dutch law, a doctor must diagnose the illness as incurable and the patient must have full control of his or her mental faculties. The patient must voluntarily and repeatedly request the procedure, and another doctor must provide a written opinion agreeing with the diagnosis. After the death, a commission made up of a doctor, a jurist and an ethical expert also are required to verify that the requirements for euthanasia have been met.

The article goes on to state that even Santorum's numbers about 10% of the Dutch population dying annually from euthanasia and 50% of those being involuntary are also bogus.

Folks, it would be easy for us to cast stones at this man and question him on why he would use such blatant falsehoods as fact to gain support for his political campaign, but what would that accomplish? Ruin his campaign by exposing how dangerously incompetent and unfit this man truly is to run for office? As a Christian I am always looking to forgive the sinner and underneath this story of shocking lies, pathetic pandering, and a frothy mixture of anal lubrication and feces, there has to be an answer.

Meet Santorum spokeswoman and pre-op tranny Alice Stewart, who so eloquently explained:

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"A lot of these things... it's just what's in his heart.

Case closed. Although credit is also due to the reporter in the video, who kept his composure and didn't bludgeon Stewart to death with his microphone after hearing her answer. Kudos. You see, in the race for the most important position of power in the entire solar system, it's not the "facts" that matter-- it's what's in the candidate's heart. What he believes to be true is all that matters, and really, isn't the ability to conceive of horrible things and then present them as horrible and take a stand against them a far greater measuring stick of a candidate's aptitude for this job than anything else?

I am personally appalled that in England, in order to keep Christian populations down, Christian couples are limited to only having one child, and if they have a second child it is sold to Vietnamese longshoremen. In an increasingly secular and anti-Christian society under Barack Obama, this could very well be a reality if Christians everywhere don't do something to stop it.

Now granted, none of what I just said is even close to being true and the majority of it is some nonsense I heard an inebriated wino screaming in a dumpster behind the liquor store last night, but isn't it really reassuring that I am vehemently opposed to selling Christian babies to Vietnamese longshoremen? To me it doesn't matter that in the Netherlands elderly people aren't forced into euthanasia against their will under socialized medicine, the fact that Prick Santorum is against that idea is really all that matters to me. The fact that Santorum would stand up against a system that would send elderly people to their deaths against their will lets me know that this man has theoretical morals. That this man has theoretical values. That this man will stand up for what is theoretically just.

As long as you believe in your heart that evils theoretically exist and you are theoretically willing to do anything you can to fight them, you are also theoretically a good and noble person.

I have spent a lot of time with Mr. Santorum over the years and I have gotten to know him quite well. During this campaign a lot has been said about his social beliefs and many have questioned if someone with beliefs as radical as his is fit to run the White House. On many social issues he is aligned with the Conservative right: he opposes gay marriage, abortion, the welfare state, and the exclusion of Christian rhetoric from our government discourse. In many other regards, though, his positions seem "out-there," dated, and archaic: he opposes sex outside of marriage, he opposes sex for any purpose other than procreation, he opposes sex, as President he wants to ban pornography, and he rejects the use of legal contraceptives. Many have questioned the sanity of someone that is willing to take on the legality of pornography, contraceptives or teens sticking their penises in any hole they can stick their penises inside of. These are tired debates that happened decades ago and are now looked on with disappointment as having taken place in an era of sexual repression by a bunch of prudes. Knowing Santorum, however, I can say this isn't the case.

Rick Santorum opposes pornography because young women in the Czech Republic are regularly abducted off the streets and forced to perform in hot girl-on-girl action against their wills. If America does not ban the production, sale and consumption of pornography this could be a very real threat on the streets of our American towns. Even though there is absolutely no evidence that this happens in the Czech Republic, doesn't Rick Santorum sound like a really nice guy with real values for opposing such an awful theoretical human rights violation?

Likewise, Rick Santorum opposes the use of contraception because lax drug policies have allowed cheap Cambodian knock-offs of popular birth control pills to flood the French markets where thousands of young women have had their uterus unexpectedly shrivel up and eject from their body through their vagina like an escape pod launching out of a space ship. Now, before you throw your birth control pills out the window in rage it should be noted that not one instance of a uterus being launched out of a woman's body like a human cannonball circus act has been reported in France, but the mere fact that Rick Santorum would think this up and then be against it has to be reassuring to woman's health advocates the world over.

After the legalization of gay marriage in Argentina in 2010, it has been socially acceptable for roving gangs of homosexuals to hunt down anyone who opposes gay marriage, tear off their penis, and use it to make a traditional native fertility figurine. If gay marriage is legalized in the USA the same will happen. Even though absolutely no evidence of any kind, whether it be legal document or even local legend exists to back that story up, isn't it good to know Rick Santorum is willing to enact laws to ensure roving gangs of homosexuals won't tear off your penis and use it to make an offering to Chiconahui? What a great guy!

The same can be said for the Bible. When taken as literal fact aren't the stories of the Bible a little... out there? Certainly. But it doesn't make them feel any less real. Did God really destroy the city of Sodom and Gomorrah in a rain of fire? Did Noah really gather two of every animal and travel the seas after a great flood? Did Jesus Christ really heal lepers, turn water into wine and walk on water? Logically the stories make little sense in a modern world of science and reason, but in a world of imagination and wonder --the world Rick Santorum occupies-- they all make perfect sense. Maybe the stories of the Bible are just parables meant to shape our lives and teach us how to be better people, but that doesn't make them less real.
 
Maybe that is how we should interpret the Rick Santorum Presidential candidacy. The things Rick Santorum say aren't meant to be taken as absolute fact, for they harken from an antiquated time that has little resemblance to our own. This is not a time that can be measured in A.D. or B.C. No, it is its own parallel time that runs independent of our own. A time called "B.S."

In B.S. the things Rick Santorum say make perfect sense as both a reminder of how to live our lives and a literal record for things that have happened. Perhaps in our time a Cambodian birth control pill won't cause your uterus to rip out of your vagina like the alien from Alien, but in B.S. that actually happened! In B.S. all the horrible things that Rick Santorum (and Lyndon LaRouche) can come up with actually happened and Rick Santorum stood up against them. Rick Santorum is theoretically a really nice guy.

To some Rick Santorum may seem like a completely batshit nuts, douchebag, fascist, conspiracy theorist whose entire life mission is to dictate what goes in and out of every female's reproductive orifice in the United States while popularizing his own brand of frigid Christian sexual morality that has reduced him to the sad husk of a clearly repressed "man." (Try watching Rick and his wife have sex some time, it's like two people of below-average sexual attractiveness plank on top of each other. Wait... what am I saying "like?" [Also, if Rick Santorum asks you to film him and his wife doing it, just say no: I fell for that three times]) But to those of us who -see- him, who -understand- him, he is so much more. He is a truly great man who has an active imagination, but ultimately wants what's best for for the world. Maybe he makes things up, but in that imaginary world that he occupies called "B.S." he has always been on the side for what is right, and when it comes to voting for a President, isn't that what it's all about? Well, that and whether or not you want to have a beer with the guy.