"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking is Wrong Again (Surprise!)

Earlier this week an excerpt from Stephen Hawking's new book The Grand Design was published in The Times of London. Hawking's book, a smorgasbord of typical atheistic talking points and straw man arguments meant to make Christians look like a bunch of nit-wits, argues that the universe could have conceivably come from nothing; an assertion that stands in stark contrast to the beliefs of the Christian church.

Christians have long held the belief that in order for anything to exist there must have been a creator. The computer chair that I am currently sitting in did not materialize out of nothing: someone made all of the individual parts and assembled it, allowing me to sit on it right now. Using that logic we can ascertain that the Earth and the galaxy in which we reside did not spontaneously come into existence; someone had to have intelligently designed it.

For many years atheists have attempted (unsuccessfully) to debate that the Earth did not come from a creator, but when asked where, they mumble inaudibly and then attempt to move on to the next answer. Usually saying something like "I can't tell you where we came from, and neither can you, because no one was there to see it." Yet if we have learned nothing else, it is that the galaxy, the Earth, humanity and our ecosystem are all incredibly simplistic entities. Scientists would have you to believe that the human body or the Amazon Rain Forest are all infinitely complex organisms, so in-tune with their surroundings and ingrained with the earth that it is simply ridiculous to accept that they were created by one being, but were instead the product of millions of years of evolution. What atheists and evolutionists forget is that God is capable of anything a human mind can conceive.

Atheists and evolutionists will have you believe that the Earth is billions of years old. They will point to fossils and rock formations that can all be dated back millions of years ago. They will take you to the Grand Canyon and explain that there was no way it could exist if the Earth were only six thousand years old. The believer, filled with the capability to conceive of anything God could theoretically do, would point out that since God is infinitely powerful, he theoretically could have formed it six thousand years ago, but made it look like it was formed billions of years ago.

For you see, readers, God is greater than anything that can be conceived. The human mind is not limitless, but God is. God is greater than the greatest thing you can think of, otherwise he wouldn't be God. What is greater? The gradual erosion caused by a river over the course of millions of years to form a chasm thousands of feet deep, or God making a chasm that is thousands of feet deep that looks like it was made gradually over millions of years, but really only took a few days?

Even if Hawking is correct and the world and the universe did spontaneously come into existence that still doesn't disprove God. God, being greater than nothing coming into existence as the result of nothing, clearly would have greenlit and supervised the nothingness coming into somethingness as a result of nothingness.

"Spontaneous creation is the reason why there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist. It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper [fuse] and set the universe going."

Ultimately, though, my problem with Hawking comes from his callousness. Who does he think he is? What authority does he have to speak on an issue like this? As a physicist, Hawking is as qualified to talk about theological issues as I, a political pundit, am to perform amateur surgery. But just as I only perform minor operations on people during social get-togethers, Hawking should leave the religion-talk for the wine and cheese parties.

As an atheist, as someone who doesn't believe in God, Hawking has no place running his mouth on a subject like this. The creation of our Earth is inherently and wholly a religious and theoretically subject, not a scientific one. Only religious people who have dedicated their entire lives to objectively studying the Bible, earning post-graduate degrees in religious studies from Christian Universities are really qualified to speak on the subject of Earth's creation, and thus far not a single one of the leading Christian researchers in the world have come to the same conclusion as Hawkings. These are people that have far more religious training, who went to Biblical colleges to unbiasedly study religion with an open mind, and determined that the Bible and the word of God is the only true path.

Doctors speak on subjects of medicine, lawyers speak on subjects of the law, economists speak on subjects of the economy while used car salesmen from Arkansas, stay at home mothers of 9 from Kansas and right wing radio pundits from Iowa who at one time in the early 80s made a living writing robot lesbian erotica are qualified to speak on subjects of Religion. Frankly, who cares what Hawking has to say about religion anyway? You wouldn't go to a lawyer if you needed a tooth pulled, you wouldn't see a car mechanic if you needed legal council, why would you go to a physicist for answers to religious questions?


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Asians - The Devil's Squinty-Eyed Servants

Asians - The Devil's Squinty-Eyed Servants
A Comprehensive Guide to Asian People

Types of Asians:
Chinks (China), Nips (Japan), Gooks (Vietnam)


Things Asians do: Asians are the human equivalent of sheep and are prone to similar behaviors. Below is a list of things that many Asians are known to do.

Steal jobs and places in universities from white people- Look around any average US university and what will you notice? The places are all overrun with Asians. Asian people only try hard in middle and high school and get better grades than white people because they want to steal college placement positions that rightfully belong to white kids. Asian people have taken over America's institutions of higher learning and as a result are getting better jobs and making more money than white people. Even the Asians that didn't do well in school are stealing jobs from Americans that didn't do well in school by setting up sweat shops. Americans are losing their jobs to 12 year old Chinese kids that are willing to do the same job for a lot less money.

Poisoning Americans- Asians enjoy making hazardous toys, dog food and tooth paste that kills Americans.

Street Racing- Asians enjoy modifying inferior Asian-made cars and racing them illegally on the streets. Millions of people are killed every year in America as a result of this hobby.

Chinese Restaurants- Chinese Restaurants are the greatest pyramid scheme in the history of mankind. The kitchens in these restaurants are often overrun with cockroaches and rats that get into the food. While Asian people themselves do not actually eat Chinese food, they are more than happy to poison and overcharge "whitey" for Chinese food. They get away with it mostly because of the self-esteem-boosting fortune cookies.

Owning Laundromats- Most Asians own Laundromats because they enjoy smelling people's dirty underwear and masturbating on their clothes.


Asians are all atheists: The vast majority of Asians are atheists and worship Satan. While there are many "religions" in Asia, few promote the existence of a God, salvation or an afterlife of any kind.
  • 59% of the Chinese population is Atheist.
  • Christians are forbidden from bringing Bibles and spreading the word of Christ in most Asian countries.
  • Because they are atheists and do not subscribe to any moral code, nothing is preventing Asian countries from at some time in the future having a higher murder rate than Christian nations like America or Liberia.

All Asian nations are or were Communist:
Every Asian nation is or was at one point was Communist.


Asians have perverted names: Asian people like to choose names like "Wang" and "Dong" as a perverted joke. Nothing gets a little Korean guy's 2" penis harder than hearing a "stupid American" call him Wang during a business meeting. Many Asians also wear bowl haircuts so their heads will look like circumcised penises.


Asians are all cheap like Jews: Never go out to lunch with Asian people: they will never pick up the bill.


Comprehensive list of things Asians have invented: Asians have been responsible for inventing many things throughout the years; none of which have been of any use to normal people in the real world. Asians are incapable of creating anything that isn't sexually perverse or ultra-violent.

Hentai- Asians are so depraved they cannot have normal monogamous relationships; instead preferring to draw out their perverse sexual fantasies in the form of comic books. Typical hentai involves pedophilia, rape, bestiality, incest, transexualism, and tentacle rape (in which a tentacled monster rapes children): all disgusting acts to normal people that are endorsed and celebrated as normal in Asian countries.

Creepy Robots- All Asian people are robosexuals and are only sexually attracted to robots. Unable to connect emotionally with a person of the opposite sex (or even the same sex for that matter) and afraid of being made fun of for their freakishly small penises, Asians build robots that look like humans that will do things with them sexually that most humans wouldn't even be willing to do for money.

Karate is a form of performance art that Asians enjoy playing. Karate involves putting on pajamas and rainbow-colored belts and pretending like you're in an action movie fight sequence. Karate is the the gay version of the manly and American Mixed Martial Arts, made popular by Chuck Norris.

Video Games- Asians invented video games in order to corrupt the moral fiber of the world. Most video games allow the person playing it to do things like murder and rape without repercussion. Some say that video games allow people to act out their fantasies so they won't do them in real life, but in reality these are just training simulators so that the person playing it will be ready for when the time comes to actually rape or murder.

Rice Rockets- Rice Rockets are homosexual Asian motorcycles. The rider of the rice rocket must press their entire genital region on the seat of the bike as they ride. The vibrations from the engine and the road stimulate the rider's sex organs until they become filled with lust and debauchery.


List of Asian "accomplishments": Asians are known for being lazy and stupid. The entire continent of Asia has achieved very little during recorded human history, here is a substantial list of every major thing Asians have accomplished.

The Great Wall of China- Some unimpressive wall out in the middle of no where. Who cares?

Getting blown up by America- Many Asian countries are only famous because America blew them up. Asia is like the Monica Lewinsky of Continents: only famous because someone more powerful and influential blew a load all over them.

Massacres- Asians are despicable and vile "people" that are predisposed to shocking violence and it is not surprising that many of the world's greatest massacres were caused by Asians.
  • The Rape of Nanking stands as one of the worst massacres in the history of mankind.
  • Japanese terrorists attacked innocent Americans at Pearl Harbor without provocation.
  • The Virginia Tech massacre, perpetrated by an Asian, stands as the worst shooting during peacetime on American soil.

Famous Asian people: Despite being the world's most populated continent, Asia is responsible for producing only a handful of famous people, most of whom are disgusting degenerates that the world would be better off without. Below is a list of the most famous and influential Asian people.

Kim Jong Ill- Kim Jong Ill is a Communist dictator who has been responsible for the deaths of millions of people. He is a tyrant that suppresses his people: denying them freedom and forcing them to live in abject poverty. Despite this all Asians revere him and treat him as a God, from Japan to Bhutan.

William Hung- William Hung is an Asian retarded that became famous for being an awful singer on American Idol that everyone in America made fun of. In Asia, however, he is very popular and well-respected.

Seung-Hui Cho- Cho is the perpetrator of the Virginia Tech Massacre: the worst peace-time shooting in the history of the United States. He was a mentally-ill atheist who killed 32 Americans on April 16th, 2007 and is noted for being addicted to internet hentai pornography, playing video games excessively, and being raised by a family that owned a Laundromat. Cho is considered a hero and a celebrity in most Asian nations.

Ang Lee- Director of the gay pornographic film Brokeback Mountain. His film was about two gay cowboys and was meant to undermine American national security by making us look weak to our enemies.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Jimmy Carter Begins Diplomatic Talks to Bring Sexy Back

September 1, 2010

WASHINGTON, DC -- Hot off his successful diplomatic mission to North Korea where he secured the release of a detained U.S. citizen, Jimmy Carter announced his plans to bring Sexy back. At a press conference at Dulles International Airport the former U.S. President expressed his desire to secure the release of Sexy from Brazil.

"I'm hoping the Brazilian Government will have a sit down with me and discuss the possibility of allowing Sexy to return to the United States," the 85 year old humanitarian explained.

During the 29 years since he was last in office Carter has spent much of his time and efforts on securing the release of Americans imprisoned in foreign countries.

"To put it plainly: America needs Sexy back," Carter told members of the press Tuesday morning.

Detained in 2004 while hiking in the mountainous borderlands between Peru and Brazil, Sexy has been living in a jail in the city of Rio Banco since.

The Brazilian government has allowed U.N. peacekeepers to maintain contact with Sexy. They have reported that conditions within the jail are deplorable and that if Sexy requires immediate psychological evaluation.

"The time is right to bring Sexy back," Carter stated. "Both for Sexy's well-being, and for our own sake."

Carter on a fact-finding mission.

Carter pointed out that America is facing its greatest dearth of Sexy in nearly a century. Since 2004 one night stands, strip club attendance, and pregnancies are all down.

One need only glance around La Cantina, a bar near the University of Texas at Austin, to see the devastating effects Sexy's absence has had on colleges all over America.

"You used to see people hooking up in here every night, but now that Sexy's gone you're lucky if you can get a handjob once a month," explained sixth year undergraduate Communications major Doug Robinson, weighing in on the situation.

Critics have asserted that Carter's proposed trip would only serve to embolden the South American country and legitimize their behavior.

"To go down to Brazil and have a sit down with this nation will only lead to America being seen as weak," Senator Chuck Grassley ,R- Iowa, insisted during a phone interview. "Mr. Carter's time would be better spend securing the release of nouns, verbs and adjectives from first-world nations. Why spend so much time getting Sexy back when the French have had Snobbery detained for nearly three centuries? Or how about getting Awkward Romantic Misunderstandings back from England?"

In the face of immense criticism from the Right, Carter has asserted the dire need to bring Sexy back to America.

"I recently judged a wet t-shirt contest in West Palm Beach, [Florida]. To say it was un-sexy would not be sufficient to describe just how flaccid my penis was. Let's just say it was the most inhuman thing I'd ever witnessed, and that's coming from a guy who presided during the Iran Hostage Crisis," a visibly shaken Carter recounted. "Looking at the pictures of the young ladies on the beaches in Rio... I'd like to drop a peanut down that cleavage, I tell you what."

When asked why he was the man for the job, Carter was quick to point out that until 2004 he was "a damn sexy man."

Monday, August 30, 2010

Restoring Honor: A Road Trip Into the Heart of Darkness

August 29, 2009

Whoever refuses to remember the inhumanity is prone to new risks of infection." -Richard Von Weizsaecker

Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally has come and gone and is now but a collection of neurons floating around in the alcohol-damaged brains of the unfortunate denizens that attended the event, most of whom overwhelmed due to it being the first time they've ever stepped foot in a city with a population larger than 25,000 people. Future generations will learn about this monumental meeting of the minds after internet archaeologists stumble upon the ruins of once moderately-popular internet blogs from both sides of the aisle. What will they think? Like archaeologists of today who scavenge the sites of ancient villages for fishing hooks and broken pottery, what will future generations make of Glenn Beck's Restoring America Rally? In all likelihood our great grandchildren and their children may never know about this monumental gathering, for unless the words that Professor Beck shouted at his glossy-eyed mobile Coors Light consuming units spark a peripetia of unparalleled proportion, our great grandchildren will be slaves: owned by Chinese-speaking black gay Mexican slave handlers that forbid reading and learning about the past.

August 26,2009 9:47 am
Thursday morning we packed up the Ford Windstar and headed East: D.C.-bound. Glenn Beck's got some rally going on and all the shakers and movers and big wigs in the Republican Party are gonna be there. According to a 65 year old retired air conditioner installer from Nebraska I talked to in the diner before we left it's gonna be like Burning Man for people that think Barack Obama was born in Kenya. The station is sending me to write something up about it, I take my best friend and personal physician, Miguel Gonzale,z with me; to keep me company and in case something happens.

I'm in the driver's seat, holding it down at a steady 65 miles per hour, seated next to me is Miguel. In the back seat are Karl Rove and Laura Ingraham watching Hannah Montana on the drop-down entertainment system. Together we make up the Upbeat Band of Socially-Responsible Conservative Men and Women That Occasionally Perform Pranks of Varying Hilarity and the Ford Windstar is our home away from home; the base from which our pranks are dreamed up and conducted.

August 26, 2009 12:15 pm
Glenn Beck stated that the inspiration for this rally was the result of divine providence. Four months ago he was on his knees praying to God to give him a sign to help America through these trying times. God told him he already had all the pieces of the puzzle: faith, hope and charity. All three of these things, according to Beck, are found within us. Not surprisingly, this is the same method I employ at the radio station when it comes time to order lunch. Every day, invariably, someone wants pizza, someone else wants Chinese food and someone else wants Mexican. One day I finally got on my knees and asked God what the answer was, and he told me the same thing: that all the pieces of the puzzle are in front of me, all I need to do is put them together. From that day forward we've had burritos stuffed with chow mein and tomato sauce.

At a gas station in Davenport I slip into the back seat, too tired to go on. Karl is in the bathroom and Miguel is buying some Flamin' Hot Cheetos in the mini mart. Laura asks me if I want to do something crazy. Unsure I shrug my shoulders. She puts a strip of something on her tongue, moves in close and kisses me deep, eventually whatever was on her tongue is now in my mouth. I swallow.

"What was that?" I ask.

"A Listerine Breath Strip, baby." She replies.

I stick my finger in my throat and try to make myself throw up, but she stops me.

"Just go with it baby. Pretty soon your breath is gonna be fresher than it's ever been before!"

I look out the window as Miguel and Karl exit the mini mart and make their way toward the car. I straighten up and try to play it cool.

They get in the car and start it up, the engine roars. Suddenly and for no reason Miguel turns around and looks at me, his face is now a giant goat's head: it's eyes missing and blood and matted-down hair covering it. I scream in terror.

"What's wrong, buddy?"

Rove turns around, he's a giant lizard.

"Yea, man, why you freakin' out?"

Laura tells them and they all have a laugh at my expense. Then Laura gives the Rove and Dr. Miguel breath strips. I'm not sure if Miguel is in any condition to operate a motor vehicle at this point but I go with it. Eventually I pass out.

August 26, 2009 2:55 pm
Early reports on the internet and Fox News indicate that this is going to be the most important event of our generation-- like Woodstock only without the sex, drugs and rock and roll and with more uncomfortable subtle racism. Being there will give you the right to say for the rest of your life that you stood there during that momentous moment when Mr. Beck took the stage and changed everything. Never before have more white people gotten together to complain about one black guy. Missing this would be like missing the moon landing because you were having explosive Mexican food diarrhea.

I wake up somewhere on the 80 near Joliet, Illinois, the effects of the breath strip are still with me. Looking around I notice Rove isn't in the car anymore. I notice Laura is sitting up in her seat and looking out the back window of the minivan, I unbuckle my seat belt and pivot around to see what has her attention. Outside the car I see the craziest thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'm not sure if what I'm seeing is real or not, yet I cannot look away. Karl is riding a skateboard while holding onto a rope that's tied to the trailer hitch on the back of the van.

"WE CALL IT ROVE RAGE, BABY!" Laura screams at me, perhaps confirming the worst thoughts that were occupying my mind at the moment.

Karl gives a thumbs up with his left hand and Laura yells at Miguel to go faster. Instantly the car lurches forward. I look at the speedometer: we're going 85.

Artist's rendition of Rove Rage

Aigist 26, 2009 3:15 pm
I'm in a line at a gas station convenience store buying a Code: Red Mountain Dew and a box of Rolaids. The woman in front of me is also going to the rally and we strike up a conversation. She's middle-aged and wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Hitler-mustached Barack Obama being sodomized by Lenin. She's come here all the way from South Dakota to hear Glenn speak and had to take three days off of work to do so. The lost wages, she says, are worth it.

August 26, 2009 3:43 pm
Rumor has it all the water was drained from the reflecting pool and filled with Glenn Beck's tears. Cripples and other people with physical handicaps from all over the tri-state area have come to take advantage of their healing powers.

We pull up at a Wendy's in Gary, Indiana. Outside a group of inner city youth have accumulated around the front door.

"You ready to freak out the establishment?" Rove asks me rhetorically as he, Ingraham and Miguel pull plastic party masks over their faces; all of them white rabbits.

Before I can say anything all three jump out of the Windstar and make their way toward the kids.

"You kids go to school today?" Rove asks the kids. "Are you respectful of your teachers? Do you go to church? You do your homework?"

They nod yes to every question.

"Well let this be a lesson to you."

He pulls a glock out of the waist of his pants and points it at the kids.

"Gimme your wallets."

They do as he says. Once he has all their wallets everyone starts backing toward the Windstar. "Let that be a lesson to you. NEVER TRUST WHITEY, BITCHES!"

He laughs hysterically as we all pile back into the Windstar. Just then a huge black guy exits the Wendy's eating a frosty. The kids run over to him and point at us.

"Oh shit! Step on it, Miguel!" Laura screams.

He slams the car into reverse, backs out of the parking space, and then screeches into drive. The black guy pulls out a hand gun and starts firing at the van. After three shots the back window shatters. Luckily no one is hurt and we speed off back for the interstate.

August 27, 2009 12:14 pm
Laura insists we pick up a hitch-hiker we come across on the 70 somewhere in rural Pennsylvania-- somewhere near West Virginia. She's a cute girl; no older than 19, blond hair. She says she's headed to see her boyfriend in Florida: a runaway. We get to know each other for a while. At some point Rove pulled off the interstate and is driving down a two-lane road through some dense wooded area. He stops the car and gets out. Suddenly and without warning Laura wraps a handkerchief around the girl's head. The girl tries to scream but nothing but a muffled noise comes out. Rove goes to the back of the Windstar and pulls a length of rope from his duffle bag. He uses the rope to tie the girl's arms behind her back. He picks her up and drops her on a ditch on the side of the road, takes her pants off and proceeds to rape her for a prolonged period of time while Laura cackles devilishly and spits and rubs dirt on the girl's face.

"STIMULATE MY ECONOMY YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Karl screams at the girl as he violently rapes her.

I bury my head under my pillow and cry. I think about the Restoring Honor Rally: our reason for going this far to try and drown out the girls muffled cries and Rove's disgusting sex noises. I can hear the no doubt inspiring words that Mr. Beck will only in a short time utter; their notes transcending time as they go down in history as some of the most important ever uttered.

Finally Rove and Laura get back in the car and we start moving again. The girl isn't with us.

Missing since last week

August 27, 2009 9:54 pm
I've become increasingly terrified by the unpredictable behavior Rove and Laura have been exhibiting thus far on the trip. I fear for my life and the lives of those we may run into down the road. I think of my wife and cry myself to sleep.

August 28, 2009 10:00 am

I wake up expecting to be in our Nation's capital, only to find myself outside a project in East Baltimore.

"Calm the piffle down, O'Hanley" Rove instructs me. "I just need to pay someone a visit."

We're going to miss the rally. Apparently Rove and Laura don't care.

Rove and Laura get out of the Windstar and go into the project, leaving Miguel and I. Are the keys in the ignition? No. Dammit. We have no way out of here. What are we going to do?

A group of street thugs standing in front of a liquor store are eyeing us from across the street. I don't like this one bit. Suddenly a gun shot rings out and fifteen seconds later Rove and Laura run out of the project. Rove is carrying a sawed-off shotgun and Laura has a zip-lock bag full of something white, but I can't tell what it is. Rove jumps in the front, starts the car and peels out.

"I told Ultimate Charles not to piffle with me!"

"You did what had to be did." Laura replies.

Rove turns to Miguel.

"Do I look like a Hungry Hungry Hippos?"


"Then why that nigga tryin' to play me?"

August 28, 2009 11:45 am
I'm thinking back to a simpler time. As a boy I used to go to my aunt's house in rural Minnesota. Out in the yard she had a tire swing hanging from a centuries old Eastern White Pine. Sometimes if you went outside at the right time of the year you could watch the sun set through the middle of the tire and it'd be like the tire was a big eye looking back at you.

"We need to set some ground rules." Says Rove, breaking the silence I've been enjoying. "You know what they say?" He turns and looks at Miguel and I in the back seat. I wish he'd keep his eyes on the road. "Snitches get stitches."

Laura turns around and accompanies this statement with a finger slicing across her throat while making a cutting noise.

August 28, 2009 2:24 pm
Rove pulls up in front of a Burger King off the side of the interstate. I'm not an expert when it comes to the whereabouts of places in Washington DC, but I know this isn't Washington DC.

"Get out."

Miguel and I do so without thinking, forgetting to grab out things in the process. Once outside of the Windstar. Maniacal laughing can be heard as the two Right Wing lunatics drive out of sight.

The morbidly obese, totally un do-able black woman behind the counter at Burger King informs us that we're in Glasgow, Delaware. There's no way we're going to make it to DC at this point. The opportunity to see Mr. Beck speak is now gone. We had an opportunity to be a part of that historic moment in our nation's history when everything changed forever and we blew it. On the walk to our hotel Miguel and I argued about just how amazing Beck's speech was. Would it be like the Gettysburg Address and Mel Gibson's speech at the end of Braveheart being read by Mike Ditka or would it be Jesus' sermon on the mound sung by a choir of angels as Nancy Pelosi gets decapitated by a bear in a clown outfit while the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders get rowdy and wash a car? The only way to find out would be to watch it on youtube.

August 28, 2009 4:03 pm
In the hotel lobby we kicked a 14 year old girl checking her myspace page off the computer and accessed youtube.com. The top video was Mr. Beck's speech. We prepared ourselves and clicked the link. Then found out there were no speakers on the computer.

August 28, 2009 4:05 pm
In the business center there is a man using his laptop to e-mail something or streamline some bullcrap or something. Anyway, we jacked his laptop and brought it over to youtube.com. We got the video up and got ready to play it. Before clicking the play button I stopped Miguel.

"This may be the greatest moment of our lives." I said.

Miguel nodded, we both understood the gravity of the situation and hit the play button, prepared to have our lives changed forever. There will never be any going back.

August 28, 2009 4:21 pm
"What the shit just happened? Was that cool or did that suck cause I can't tell? I don't know. Let's sign this business guy up for a bunch of gay porn newsletters and go back to Iowa."