My Thoughts on the Christine O'Donnell Videos

Christine O'Donnell, a virtual unknown until only a few days ago, recently blew onto the scene like a premature ejaculation in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta on prom night '87. Liberal smear-artist Rachel Maddow showed a video of a twenty-something year old O'Donnell trying to promote teen purity on her daily broadcast and since then the young GOP challenger from Delaware has become an overnight Youtube phenomenon.

Folks, we've all seen the videos... multiple times. We have every line of corny scripted dialogue, every bad early 90s hairdo, and every unflattering camera angle ingrained in our subconscious where it will sit in our Rolodex of things that we will never unsee. For those reasons there's no point in posting the videos yet again.

The left has been having a field day with these videos and frankly I feel sorry for the girl. Obviously these tapes were a mistake. She was fresh out of college, couldn't find a job, had student loans to pay off and saw a way to make some quick money. Maybe she met a guy at the Dennys while she was waiting tables, maybe he told her he had an acting gig for her and maybe she saw it as a quick way to earn a couple of bucks-- how she got in this situation doesn't matter. Obviously she was taken advantage of, obviously things got out of hand and obviously she was made to do things no woman should ever have to do on camera.

What was supposed to be a short student film about a single mother working two jobs to find a better life for her autistic albino son quickly turned into a sleazy attempt to get this young lady to do degrading things on film.

It's a sad reality that young and desperate women that are down on their luck and out of money are being disgraced and taken advantage of by the absolute lowest form of human scum on this planet: Moral Activists. They get you in that room with the phony potted plant, sit you down on that filthy stained couch, shine a light in your face and instruct you to read horribly-written pieces of dialogue like "if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself... then why am I in the picture?" I mean the idea of a woman trying to single-handedly stop fourteen-year-old boys from using their penises like the fire hoses those cops used to shoot black people with during the Civil Rights movement is more far-fetched than three sorority sisters having a 4-way with a pizza delivery guy because they can't pay for their pizza. Really, you don't have $10 between the three of you?

Based on the poor production quality, the awful haircuts, the cheesy music, the unbelievable premise and the cringe-worthy dialogue I think it's obvious this video was meant only to be seen by a very small cross section of America's most vile and detestable citizens. Limited to small book and video shops next to liquor stores in strip malls located in the bad part of town where men hiding inside trench coats and sunglasses look both ways to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside to quench their despicable habits, it's apparent this video was never meant to be seen by normal, well-adjusted and functioning members of society.

When she was talked into performing in this tape Christine had no idea that one day a series of tubes would bring the world instantly to our fingertips and any motion picture caught on video or film would gain a world audience. When Christine regrettably decided to participate in this degrading video there was no way of knowing one day her parents, her friends, and the entire world would see it and feel ashamed for her.

We all make mistakes, maybe we don't go on Politically Incorrect and say that it was wrong for people to lie to Nazis about hiding Jews in their homes, but we all have lapses in judgment that we hope no one else sees. How would you feel if your lowest moment was caught on tape and played on every major news show in America? These videos were obviously never supposed to be seen by people like us and I want to personally reprimand the disgusting, vile, maladjusted, bottom-feeding scumbags that lure down-on-their-luck girls to say and do deplorable things on camera for the titillation of only a few fat, ugly, girlfriendless, perverted, mentally-ill Values Voters.

Shame on you!

While I like to believe O'Donnell has learned her lesson and will never appear in an embarrassing video again, the revelations that she has been living off campaign donations and has racked up thousands in debt by not paying her staff lead me to believe that if things don't rapidly get better for the spunky young Senatorial candidate from Delaware we may see another shameful video of her on the internet spearheading a campaign to make it illegal to have sex with the lights on.

Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of

As election season nears the races for many Congressional and Senatorial seats are heating up. As September turns into October the debates will become more frequent, town hall meetings will spring up, and rally stages will be set in town squares all over America. Many of the candidates are relative unknowns while others are career politicians looking for another term. With so many people all running how can you possibly keep track of them all? Even if these people don't represent your district it's important to keep up-to-date on all of these elections, for who knows, perhaps the next President is currently running for a Congressional seat in Nebraska or Indiana. Today The Wash O'Hanley Show has gathered some of the most intriguing challengers and incumbents running for Congressional seats all over America and profiled them for you in a new segment I like to call "Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of."

Vern Ehlers - Republican - Michigan 3rd - Incumbent

About Him: A grizzled Vietnam Vet, Ehlers is known for once taking out an entire Platoon of VC with just a hunting knife and a sock puppet. Plagued with PTSD upon his return to an America that didn't want him, he lived in a hollowed-out tree trunk for three years while surviving off the land. Took office after his predecessor was found with his throat slashed.

Interesting Fact: If re-elected, Vern promises to fight cancer to the death in a back-alley knife fight.

Why is He Running: Isn't sure anymore, the fog of war has clouded his memory.

What He's Accomplished: Despite all the physical abuse, his district continues to vote for him because "deep down he didn't mean to hurt us and is sorry." When neighboring districts ask about the bruises, the 3rd just says it walked into a wall on accident.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to hunt down and slaughter anyone that doesn't vote for him with a crossbow.

Worst Gaffe: Called an airstrike on a town hall meeting he was holding.

--------------------------------

Bruce Braley - Democrat - Iowa 1st - Incumbent

About Him: Braley is an old-time Democrat in the tradition of Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden, he grew up on a corn farm in Central Iowa and learned the value of a dollar while whoring himself on the streets of Kansas City as a teenager.

Interesting Fact: Due to contractual obligations, Braley must mention Best Foods™ Mayonnaise at least once in every speech or public appearance.

Why is He Running: For the ladies.

What He's Accomplished: Got Congress to recognize the sanctity of a robot-caribou relationship.

Why You Should Vote For Him: It's nice to see him out doing things.

Worst Gaffe: Calls his decision to direct the film "Smokey and the Bandit 3" his greatest moral shortcoming.

--------------------------------

Jake Towne - Democrat - Pennsylvania 15th - Challenger

About Him: Kicked out of every college his dad could get him into in the tri-state area, Jake has set his eyes on the biggest frat house of them all: Congress.

Interesting Fact: Once woke up in a dumpster behind the Pizza Hut with the shredded carcass of a raccoon that he'd apparently consumed the previous night and all of his teeth were missing.

Why is He Running: Filled out the wrong form while registering to be a sex offender.

What He's Accomplished: In high school he had the foresight to put that Hustler Magazine Bobby Hillinger found  that they hid in the ditch behind the wall by the storm drain in a plastic bag so it wouldn't get wet when it rained.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to "sock it to those ****ing Fascists in Washington and stuff."

Worst Gaffe: Released several hungry wolverines into the audience of a debate to prove a point about out of control spending.

--------------------------------

Ann Marie Buerkle - Republican - New York 25th - Challenger

About Her: Buerkle is a banshee who was freed from cursed bondage in an area cemetery by a group of high school teens 400 years to the day after she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

Interesting Fact: Has a very strong stance on abstinence-only eduction, in that she kills teenagers that are in the midst of sexual intercourse.

Why is She Running: To break the final curse of bondage on the tomb of Ryl'them, as foretold in the Book of the Spirits, which will flood the realm of the living with the spirits of the restless dead who will devour all of mankind in unspeakable darkness and evil.

What She's Accomplished: After getting her M.B.A. from SUNY Purchase, she turned a start-up Consulting Firm into the fourth-largest of its kind in New York State in only five years.

Why You Should Vote For Her: You shouldn't vote for her for any reason at all, but come election day she will appear to you in the voting booth in the form of a beautiful young girl and seduce you, causing you to vote for her. She will then turn back into her hideous banshee form and consume your soul.

Worst Gaffe: Accidentally said "Screw the Troops" at a rally on September 11th.

--------------------------------

Nick Coons - Libertarian - Arizona 5th - Challenger

About Him: A regular at city council meetings for over 25 years, Nick Coons finally decided to run for Congress. Coons promises to cut down on wasteful government spending across the board; getting rid of social programs such as schools, police officers and fire fighters. Believes that all of the government's problems can be solved by "putting them in a trailer."

Interesting Fact: Lives in a 1967 Dodge Coronet and keeps all of his possessions in a stolen U-Haul trailer, which is where he gets his campaign slogan, "Put it in a Trailer."

Why is He Running: Has a plan, as detailed on the napkins in his coat pocket, to eventually move all the branches of the U.S. Government into a tractor trailer, which will save tax-payers billions of dollars a year. Coon also has his eye on the Presidency-- in that he wants to privatize the position, saving tax payers about a couple million dollars a year.

What He's Accomplished: Made it illegal to drop stink bombs into overnight parked cars at the Rite-Aid.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Is the only candidate on the ballot who has had a close encounter with the third kind.

Worst Gaffe: Made an unexpectedly reasonable and lucid comment about the state of the Scottsdale-area public school system that confused many undecided voters.

Ground Zero Mosque, the First Amendment and the 14th Amendment (for some reason)

It doesn't surprise me in the least that thick-skulled Liberals and terrorist Muslims are hiding behind the First Amendment on the issue of the Ground Zero Mosque as evidence that it should be erected. While the Bill of Rights does protect the free exercise of any religion, you must understand the context in which it was written.

Consider the 14th Amendment for a moment. The 14th Amendment states in section 1 that:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 

Now I'll admit, it SOUNDS like this Amendment is saying that a person from another country can come to America, have a baby, and that baby is an American citizen. I'll give you that. It does SOUND like that. But the truth of the matter, as explained by Professor Glenn Beck, is far more complicated:

Okay. We are the only country in the world that has anchor babies and do you know why we have anchor babies? We have anchor babies because the Democrats in Reconstruction tried to say, "Oh, well, you can free the slaves, but they're not citizens. So when they have a baby, the baby's got to go back to Africa." Really, Democrats? That's that was as good as you had? That's what it was. That's why we had anchor babies. We had to put that into the Constitution so you couldn't claim that they weren't citizens. Well, now, look what it's turned into. There was no Sunset on that. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/44444/ 

That's right, the 14th Amendment was added to the Constitution after the Civil War to protect the children of freed slaves because the Democrats wanted to send them back to Africa for not being American citizens. This Amendment protected those children as being American citizens so they could continue to live with their parents while they got their rap careers/urban wear companies started. Unfortunately our founding fathers who wrote this Amendment after the Civil War in 1868 didn't have the foresight (due in some part, one would assume, to the fact that most of our founding fathers were in their late hundred and twenties by 1868) to include a date on which this Amendment would no longer be valid. As a result, people from all over the world, many of whom terrorists, have breached our borders in the vulnerable Arizona and Texas regions to have terrorist anchor babies who they will raise to hate America.

What does all of this have to do with the First Amendment? Just like the 14th Amendment, which our decrepit and senile founding fathers forgot to pen with a sunset clause, the First Amendment was also supposed to only apply to a certain group and expire at a certain time.

You must understand the context of the First Amendment and why it was included in the Bill of Rights in the First place. Why was America even founded in the first place? The first colonists to reach Plymouth Rock in 1620 had come here for the specific purpose of escaping religious intolerance in their own land, and to develop a society that was accepting of all faiths. But I ask you, humble listeners, what faith was most prevalent in those days? If you answered with "Christianity" you're correct! The pilgrims were all Christians, the colonists were all Christians and all of our American patriots of that era were Christians. When the first Amendment was penned in the Bill of Rights the markings on those pages were being made by hands that had witnessed religious persecution for being a certain sect of Christianity, and with the swiping of that feather they abolished the idea of Christian persecution at the hands of a governing body in this country until Obama was elected President.

Unfortunately, like the 14th Amendment, the First Amendment didn't come with a sunset clause either. No American Christian living today has been subject to religious persecution in their state (unless you consider being arrested for attempting to kidnap Terri Shiavo's dormant body out of a Florida hospice days before her death to be religious persecution). But like the 14th Amendment, which says that anyone born in America is an American citizen, but means something completely different, so too does the First Amendment say one thing and mean something else. Let's take a look at the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Now I will concede that the part I put in bold does sound like there are no Constitutional Grounds on which to prevent the building of the Mosque on top of the site where the World Trade Centers once stood, but take a look at my changes, added in red, that clarify exactly what the founders intended:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of the Christian religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 

Our founding fathers knew of no Muslims because they weren't around in America at that time. They didn't have the foresight to include special provisions for special religions that didn't exist in America at that time. Had our founding fathers known that Muslims would soon overrun our major cities and gain a monopoly on the taxi-driving industry things would most certainly have been different. Case in point: go look at any painting depicting an American street or city in colonial times. Notice any street vendors selling Falafels? Me neither.



The First Amendment, as our founding fathers envisioned it, did not include Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Scientologists, Atheists, Buddhists, Mormons or Catholics. The rights ensured to all citizens in that hallowed document were only meant to be extended to people of the Christian faith, and in light of this I, and many other Conservatives, believe it is time to rethink and re-write this Amendment to the form that our founding fathers truly wanted it.

You may be saying: "But Wash, I thought you've said on numerous occasions back in 2008 that the Constitution is not a living document?" This is true, the Constitution is NOT a living document, but there are still grounds on which we may change the words on this document if it is necessary. For the Constitution is not a dead document either. That's right, the Constitution is neither living nor dead... the Constitution is UNDEAD; rising from the sweet embrace of the grave to wander the streets of our fair cities, it's only form of sustenance the brains of our slower, fatter and dumber citizens as huddled bands of survivors live on rooftops and cellars, hording whatever food and weapons they can amass in anticipation of that one last battle.



The only way to stop the Constitution at this point is to separate its brain from its body, and when you do that, getting rid of the 14th Amendment and preventing the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque on political grounds makes a lot more sense.

The Wash O'Hanley Show is Looking for 1 Intern

8/21/2010

As the summer leaves us, almost as soon as it came, it is time for school to begin. From mid-August through the end of September Universities around America will open their hallowed gates and resume business as usual. All students, from the scared and wide-eyed freshmen to even the most unmotivated and inebriated Communications majors entering their third "senior" year will have an opportunity to start anew with the idea that the world is theirs for the taking.

While we currently find ourselves mired in an economic Holocaust that will consume and destroy all of these hopeful young men and women the minute they receive their diplomas like the soldiers getting off the boats at Normandy, who are we to tell these Journalism, History and Social Sciences majors that their outlook is grim at best and they will soon be reduced to fighting tooth-and-nail for what few positions still exist in local retail outlets? The poor economy has allowed employers to demand more of potential employees: more experience, better education; all for less money, which is leaving recent college graduates out to dry as they cannot compete with adults that have been in the workforce for five or six years while they were in college. This taking advantage of, and throwing of this generation of recent college graduates under the bus is disgusting and unacceptable for a country like America. We need to help these young men and women so they can start a career and get their lives going.

The Wash O'Hanley Show has enjoyed a long tradition of employing unpaid college interns for many years now, giving them the tools, education, and practical work experience necessary to make it in the radio broadcast industry. It is with great honor that we begin the search for our Fall 2010 intern, who will work on a daily basis next to Wash O'Hanley: South-Eastern Iowa's #1 voice in Conservative Radio Political Punditry.* Get hands-on experience in the world of radio broadcasting as you do exciting tasks like getting the writers coffee, answering phones, picking up lunch, running errands to the office supply store, and enduring verbal and physical abuse from Wash O'Hanley whenever he has a bad day.

What can an internship at The Wash O'Hanley Show do for you?

• Invaluable on-the-job training that will help you find a career in a high-paying job straight out of college.
• A free tee-shirt or key chain.
• FREE trip to National Association of Broadcasters Convention in Las Vegas, NV (flight, accommodation and food costs not included).
• Many of our interns have earned paying positions upon graduation.
• 20% discount at local participating Qdoba and Panera Bread locations in the Des Moines area.
• A great resume builder.
• Signed head shot of Wash O'Hanley ($20 dollar value, yours for only 10!)

Our past interns have landed successful and lucrative positions at several Fortune 500 companies including Best Buy, Starbucks and Wal*Mart.

REQUIREMENTS:

• MUST be a current college student enrolled at an accredited University or College (no University of Pheonix losers) with a focus on radio, journalism, media, or similar major.
• 7-10 years coffee-making experience.
• MUST have a reliable form of transportation.
• Ability to order fast food from a drive-thru.
• MUST be able to commit 40 hours a week (overtime is also expected).
• 3-5 years of professional paid work experience in the radio industry, preferably in operating sound equipment, mixing boards and call boards.
• Master's Degree in radio broadcast strongly preferred.
• Ability to lift 250+ lbs
• Intimate knowledge of Iowa's underground human organ black market preferred but not required.
• Experience working in an office setting is strongly preferred.
• Ability to keep mouth shut required.

This internship is unpaid and for college credit only!

If you think you have what it takes to make it in the fast-paced world of radio broadcasting send a resume, cover letter, letter of recommendation from your local congressperson, a list of your current intellect, stamina and agility stat points, and three professional or academic references to Washohanley24@gmail.com (attachments will be deleted). Qualified candidates will be called and asked to come in to fill out an application and submit to a litmus test, drug test and background check. Interviews will begin August 30th in our Des Moines office. Training will begin on September 2nd and will require a non-refundable $250 payment. Upon completion of training the most qualified candidate will be chosen as our intern.

So what are you waiting for? Your future starts TODAY!

* of 2004

A Guide to Christian Filmmaking

8/15/2010

We can sit here all day and come up with lists of things we don't want in movies until the cows come home, but that isn't going to stop Hollywood from putting them in their blockbuster movies. The fact of the matter is that graphic sex, the naked human body, profanity, violence against white people, and blasphemy are all cornerstones of the film industry and they put butts in the seats. Hollywood studios make billions of dollars a year putting out films that are not safe for the moral fiber of this nation and nothing is going to stop that until the public stops paying to see these films. Some Conservatives have bemoaned the lack of censorship, but unless you're willing to curtail our First Amendment rights given to us in the Bill of Rights this will never happen. Other Conservative Christians wondered why there aren't more Christian Conservative voices within the Hollywood system (hint: it's the same reason there aren't a lot of homosexual voices in the industrial farm equipment industry). With all of that in mind, it shouldn't be the goal of the far right to censor the voices of Hollywood screenwriters, directors and actors because they will never bend to our demands, not as long as the mouth-breathing masses are willing to pay $10 to watch the same black cop/white cop movie, the same Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston-driven romantic comedy, or teen movie starring Michael Cera as a socially-awkward teenage boy that wants to lose his virginity to a hipster vampire. No, the answer to the problem of the moral vacuum that is Hollywood is not to encourage the blind who are holding the reins to do as we please, but to take the reins and make our own films that glorify Christ, instill viewers young and old with the moral standards that God wishes of us and uplift the spirit. It's entirely likely that a Christian American will spend more time in their life chained to the door of a theater, preventing teenage girls from seeing the new Vampire-Romance movie than they will inside a theater watching movies, but it doesn't have to be like that and Christians should not have to publicly embarrass themselves to evoke social chance.

Below is a list of ideas and themes that I believe must be found in every Christian film. Hopefully this will open a dialogue and possibly lead to some great things. Who knows, maybe one day our humble church, sitting upon what little we bring in on a week-to-week basis will be able to make a film that will rival even the most CGI-heavy films coming out of Hollywood and convince producers that a film doesn't have to be crass, distasteful, or competently-made to make a lot of money. I mean, just look at movies geared toward black audiences if you aren't convinced that people will see any piece of garbage movie as long as it is geared toward their social group.

Aesthetics of Christian Filmmaking: The Necessary Aspects
By Wash O'Hanley

So you've decided you want to be a Christian filmmaker. It's not going to be easy and the road to success is littered with the carcasses of utter failures. You're going to need a script, but everyone has a script and getting it read isn't going to be easy. Most screenwriters are abject failures that never make a cent off their creativity and spend their adult lives waiting tables and drinking themselves to an early grave. Don't be one of them! Below are a handful of helpful steps that you must follow if you wish to get your screenplay or movie into the hands of people that will put it in the theaters. Just remember, while the odds may be tough, you have a ghost on your side: the holy ghost.

1. Story and Characters

Story is the second most important aspect of determining how good a film is after computer-generated imagery and is pivotal in the movie culture war.

All movies should include the following key points:

- The story must glorify God and must instruct the viewer that the only way to salvation is through his only son Jesus Christ: who died for our sins and rose on the third day in fulfillment of the Scripture. Alternative, fringe, new age cults such as Islam and Buddhism must be presented in a negative light and characters that have not found Christ should feel empty and depressed. Also, all villains must be non-Christians.

- The views of the Republican Party must be shown as a positive character trait. The hero of the film must be politically active and should be seen participating in political rallies for right-wing candidates, going door to door handing out fliers, and defeating liberals in debates, even if it slows down the pace of the film or has nothing to do with the plot in any way.

-The hero of the film should always have easily recognizable traits so viewers don't get confused and root for the wrong guy. The hero should be a white male or female. He or she should be a Born-Again Christian that is an active member of his or her church. He or she should be active in local government and believes in the policies of the GOP. Your hero should be sexually pure and never gives into temptations; audiences are hungry for a hero that never has sex outside of marriage.

- Villains, on the other hand, should be non-Christians that believe in Liberal policies and actively look to destroy the American dream for everyone else. Villains are often obsessed with greed, jealously, and perversion. Bad guys should have curly hair, giant hooked noses and big moles on their faces so viewers know they are bad guys. They should also be seen rubbing their hands together and laughing constantly in a wicked manner all the time. Villains should also have darker skin complexion than the hero so they are easy to tell apart. Because showing a character sinning is sinning you can't actually show or talk about your bad guys doing bad things, but by alluding to it with shifty eyes and big ugly noses and dark skin complexions your audience will know these guys aren't to be trusted.

- If the film is centered around a character that starts as a bad guy, but through the power of the holy ghost turns into a good guy, have his skin change from dark to light. The transformation will prove to be a powerful metaphor that will surely not be lost on the audience.

The plot should always involve a hero that does extraordinary feats because of his love of Christ. This is the part where the true creativity of the writer comes out. The possible plots for Christian films are literally endless, and here are three original frameworks that all Christian movies must be based around:

- A character is thinking about killing himself, but then an angel shows him what the world would be like without him.

- A man loses his son while on a camping trip, prays to God, then finds him.

- A group of futuristic scientists working for an off-planet mining company seek to mine a coveted element that is located underneath the city of an ancient alien race. They convert the aliens to Jesus, tear down their occult tree and mine the element.

- Leviticus: The Movie

The possibilities are endless!

2. Dialogue

Dialogue is defined by Webster's Dictionary as the process in which the cervix widens in anticipation of childbirth, but in the movie world it is the stuff that the characters say. Dialogue in Hollywood movies is filled with bad language, sexual innuendo and comedy: all of which are frowned upon in the Christian community. Without dialogue your characters don't have a voice, and here are a few examples of how a Christian screenwriter can spice up their dialogue:

- Characters should often talk about Jesus. Let's say you've set up a scene where a group of characters are having a business meeting. While talking about accounts and mergers, have one character bring up Jesus Christ and then have all the other characters accept him as their savior. This is especially useful if you run into a roadblock and don't know how to finish a scene.

- Cliches are cliches because they are popular. Characters should constantly be saying cliches because cliches are proven to be effective dialogue that viewers enjoy to hear.

- Villains should speak languages like Russian, Spanish or Islam so the viewer is skeptical and distrustful of them.

- Don't use foul language. If you must, use euphemisms. Have characters say things like "I'm gonna kick that mother frazzle's butt" or "I want you to deepthroat my ten inch corndog." That's dialogue the whole family can enjoy!

- God doesn't have a sense of humor. I don't remember there being any jokes in the Bible, so don't put them in your script. No one likes humor.

3. Use and Overuse Computer-Generated Imagery

Audiences love movies that are heavy on CGI. Whenever possible, include a scene that would involve some CGI. Even if you're writing a serious dramatic screenplay about the strained bonds between a young girl and her emotionally-distant alcoholic uncle that she must live with after the death of her parents, include a hilarious Jamaican-sounding, back-talking, CGI Pandacoon (a raccoon-panda) that follows the girl around all the time. The audiences will love it!



- Every scene should include at least one explosion. If it doesn't seem like a scene needs an explosion, you're wrong: throw one in there.

- CGI popular characters from other movies into your movie. Audiences will love seeing made-up characters like Jack Bauer, Neo from the Matrix, or Ray Charles on screen.

Also, everything must be in 3-D.

4. Shake the Camera All the Time!

Shaking the camera is the new hip thing to do and no film is complete without it. Name one action movie that has come out since Saving Private Ryan that hasn't used this technique. But don't think that only action, sci-fi and horror films are limited to using the shaky-cam aesthetic. During the dramatic dinner scene between the young girl and her emotionally-distant uncle where she confronts him about his lack of faith and alcoholism, put the camera on a paint shaker and watch as your sequence becomes grittier and more realistic. It's like your audience is right there in the room watching the events unfold and they have severe Parkinson's.

5. Ending Your Movie

The ending of the movie is the part that everyone remembers the most, and your script needs to end with a bang that leaves viewers sweating, panting, unable to walk straight for a few days, and wanting more. This is the final showdown between your hero and his enemy, and is the point in the film when he finally defeats him!

- Once your hero has killed the bad guy, have the bad guy come back to life no fewer than 4 times. Audiences love it when the good guy thinks the bad guy is dead but then the bad guy lunges at the good guy and the fight must continue. Milk this concept for all it's worth and have the bad guy repeatedly come back from the dead, only to be vanquished again.

- Your hero must find the strength to defeat the odds through Christ. When he's at his lowest point, your hero needs to recognize that all truth and power comes through the one true God and his only begotten son, giving him the strength to finally overcome the odds and defeat the ultimate evil. In fact, have you hero in a situation where it is impossible for him to get out of and then have God help him get out of it. It's called "Deus ex machina" and it literally means "God in the machine." For example: have your character tied to a chair while the bad guy points a gun at his head, but then have a bolt of lightning strike the bad guy dead. The story ends on a good note and it's just good writing.

-------

Well there you have it, folks: a comprehensive guide to movie making for the Christian filmmaker. This is everything you need to be the next great director, who will harken a new era of moral filmmaking that will inspire the mind and fill the soul. Now get out there and change the world!

It's Your Fault if I Rape You

8/6/2010

Men, unlike women, cannot control their cravings and desires. Not all of these cravings and desires are necessarily sexual. Some men cannot control themselves around alcohol; if they see alcohol they must consume it. For others it is fixing things around the house or eating junk food. For me it's watching 24. Once Jack Bauer comes on the screen I'm no longer in control of anything: my actions, my behavior, sometimes even my bowels. I run around the house making gunshot noises while shooting an imaginary gun and kicking things over. These are compulsive behaviors that we cannot control. God gives men these shortcomings so we can overcome them, causing him to look favorably upon us.

How does a man that has a compulsive addiction to alcohol overcome it? He never puts himself in a situation where there is alcohol present. He rids his home of it and doesn't go to places like bars or parties where alcohol is prevalent.

Some men, however, are not addicted to alcohol or chocolate or black gay midget porn. Some men are addicted to having sex with attractive women. Any time they see an attractive woman dressed in a sexualized manner they are filled with lust and must have her. But while it is easy to make sure that alcohol never comes into your home and that you avoid situations where alcohol may be consumed, it is not easy to avoid situations where women will be dressed in a sinful and provocative manner. One minute you're going to the post office and the next an impromptu high school cheer leader car wash breaks out next to your car. The fact is that women have been SHOVING their HOT, SLICK, WET, SEXUAL, NUBILE, CURVY, SUPPLE YOUNG BODIES down our throats since the dawn of time and frankly we're sick of it.

It's hard enough having to be around these attractive young women, with them bending over to pick things up in front of us, sucking on a pencil at work, or eating phallic-shaped food within our view-- it's enough to drive a man crazy! Then all the sudden a loose boob pops out of a shirt and it's all over. If a man that is inclined toward compulsive sexual behavior sees something like that he is no longer in control of his actions and it is the woman's fault. After it's all over the woman acts like it was the man's fault for some reason, even though she was practically asking for it. Think about it: if there is a lust-filled man hiding in the dumpster behind the Toys R Us touching himself to the sounds of women screaming on his I-pod and then all of the sudden a provocatively-dressed woman walks by he is probably going to rape her. But consider this: if the woman had never walked down that alley the rape never would have happened in the first place. How can you blame the man for doing what he is inclined to do? And based on the fact that he was in a dark alley he in all likelihood acknowledged his problem and was going somewhere to AVOID women altogether.

So I'm just going to say this once, to any woman that may be reading this topic. Cover up those breasts. No one wants to look at them. Stop wearing such skimpy clothes in public because if a man ends up doing something to you that you aren't ready for it is no one's fault but your own.