"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of

As election season nears the races for many Congressional and Senatorial seats are heating up. As September turns into October the debates will become more frequent, town hall meetings will spring up, and rally stages will be set in town squares all over America. Many of the candidates are relative unknowns while others are career politicians looking for another term. With so many people all running how can you possibly keep track of them all? Even if these people don't represent your district it's important to keep up-to-date on all of these elections, for who knows, perhaps the next President is currently running for a Congressional seat in Nebraska or Indiana. Today The Wash O'Hanley Show has gathered some of the most intriguing challengers and incumbents running for Congressional seats all over America and profiled them for you in a new segment I like to call "Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of."

Vern Ehlers - Republican - Michigan 3rd - Incumbent

About Him: A grizzled Vietnam Vet, Ehlers is known for once taking out an entire Platoon of VC with just a hunting knife and a sock puppet. Plagued with PTSD upon his return to an America that didn't want him, he lived in a hollowed-out tree trunk for three years while surviving off the land. Took office after his predecessor was found with his throat slashed.

Interesting Fact: If re-elected, Vern promises to fight cancer to the death in a back-alley knife fight.

Why is He Running: Isn't sure anymore, the fog of war has clouded his memory.

What He's Accomplished: Despite all the physical abuse, his district continues to vote for him because "deep down he didn't mean to hurt us and is sorry." When neighboring districts ask about the bruises, the 3rd just says it walked into a wall on accident.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to hunt down and slaughter anyone that doesn't vote for him with a crossbow.

Worst Gaffe: Called an airstrike on a town hall meeting he was holding.


Bruce Braley - Democrat - Iowa 1st - Incumbent

About Him: Braley is an old-time Democrat in the tradition of Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden, he grew up on a corn farm in Central Iowa and learned the value of a dollar while whoring himself on the streets of Kansas City as a teenager.

Interesting Fact: Due to contractual obligations, Braley must mention Best Foods™ Mayonnaise at least once in every speech or public appearance.

Why is He Running: For the ladies.

What He's Accomplished: Got Congress to recognize the sanctity of a robot-caribou relationship.

Why You Should Vote For Him: It's nice to see him out doing things.

Worst Gaffe: Calls his decision to direct the film "Smokey and the Bandit 3" his greatest moral shortcoming.


Jake Towne - Democrat - Pennsylvania 15th - Challenger

About Him: Kicked out of every college his dad could get him into in the tri-state area, Jake has set his eyes on the biggest frat house of them all: Congress.

Interesting Fact: Once woke up in a dumpster behind the Pizza Hut with the shredded carcass of a raccoon that he'd apparently consumed the previous night and all of his teeth were missing.

Why is He Running: Filled out the wrong form while registering to be a sex offender.

What He's Accomplished: In high school he had the foresight to put that Hustler Magazine Bobby Hillinger found  that they hid in the ditch behind the wall by the storm drain in a plastic bag so it wouldn't get wet when it rained.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to "sock it to those ****ing Fascists in Washington and stuff."

Worst Gaffe: Released several hungry wolverines into the audience of a debate to prove a point about out of control spending.


Ann Marie Buerkle - Republican - New York 25th - Challenger

About Her: Buerkle is a banshee who was freed from cursed bondage in an area cemetery by a group of high school teens 400 years to the day after she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

Interesting Fact: Has a very strong stance on abstinence-only eduction, in that she kills teenagers that are in the midst of sexual intercourse.

Why is She Running: To break the final curse of bondage on the tomb of Ryl'them, as foretold in the Book of the Spirits, which will flood the realm of the living with the spirits of the restless dead who will devour all of mankind in unspeakable darkness and evil.

What She's Accomplished: After getting her M.B.A. from SUNY Purchase, she turned a start-up Consulting Firm into the fourth-largest of its kind in New York State in only five years.

Why You Should Vote For Her: You shouldn't vote for her for any reason at all, but come election day she will appear to you in the voting booth in the form of a beautiful young girl and seduce you, causing you to vote for her. She will then turn back into her hideous banshee form and consume your soul.

Worst Gaffe: Accidentally said "Screw the Troops" at a rally on September 11th.


Nick Coons - Libertarian - Arizona 5th - Challenger

About Him: A regular at city council meetings for over 25 years, Nick Coons finally decided to run for Congress. Coons promises to cut down on wasteful government spending across the board; getting rid of social programs such as schools, police officers and fire fighters. Believes that all of the government's problems can be solved by "putting them in a trailer."

Interesting Fact: Lives in a 1967 Dodge Coronet and keeps all of his possessions in a stolen U-Haul trailer, which is where he gets his campaign slogan, "Put it in a Trailer."

Why is He Running: Has a plan, as detailed on the napkins in his coat pocket, to eventually move all the branches of the U.S. Government into a tractor trailer, which will save tax-payers billions of dollars a year. Coon also has his eye on the Presidency-- in that he wants to privatize the position, saving tax payers about a couple million dollars a year.

What He's Accomplished: Made it illegal to drop stink bombs into overnight parked cars at the Rite-Aid.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Is the only candidate on the ballot who has had a close encounter with the third kind.

Worst Gaffe: Made an unexpectedly reasonable and lucid comment about the state of the Scottsdale-area public school system that confused many undecided voters.

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