12/3/2009
Press Release:
It's been two years since Right-wing radio pundit and self-described "Christo-Fascist" Master Debater Wash O'Hanley released his long-awaited second book Mindrape, the follow up to his monumental Best Seller [in the state of Mississippi] Gay Jew HomoNazi Abortions. A lot has happened in the world since then: atheism is on the rise, gays are demanding more and more rights, and now we have a black guy in the Oval Office. If you think Wash O'Hanley is going to sit back and say nothing, you're thinking of the wrong "Most Popular Right-Wing Radio Pundit in Southeastern Iowa of 2004."
"Some famous people like to have their books ghostwritten, the only ghost that helped write this book was Jesus."
Rewind to November 5th, 2008. Wash wakes up on his couch, covered in his own filth and terribly hung over. "I thought for a while about taking my own life," he candidly says. The next three months weren't easy for Wash-- he fell in with a bad crowd and developed an addiction to huffing anti-freeze. In late January of 2009 a trusted friend came to Wash's aid and gave him some advice he'd never forget. Wash knew what he had to do and after conquering his addiction to huffing anti-freeze and bribing a state jury in his son's meth-dealing trial he got to work writing his third, and therefore most important book. The process was arduous, but Wash has never backed down from a challenge:
"I locked myself in a room with nothing but a typewriter and told my wife to not let me out until I had acheived my masterpiece. No matter how loud I screamed or begged I instructed her to not let me out, for I would rather starve to death than not realize my genius. Three hours later that door was opened and I came out of that room holding the first draft of this book-- my most important work to date."
It is with great honor that Wash O'Hanley announces the forthcoming release of his new book, just in time for Christmas, I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.
Wash O'Hanley has never been afraid to speak his mind, and anyone that loves his politics will greatly enjoy this book. Every chapter in this stirring and ably-written book will deal with a different topic that has a place close to Wash's heart.
Chapter 1: They Tore Down My Childhood Home and Built a Pizza Hut on the Property
A look into the early years of Wash O'Hanley, from a privileged upbringing to a Vietnam-skipping young adulthood, read about the formative years in Wash O'Hanley's life.
"In those days rape was basically still legal in the state of Texas so me and the other boys had a pretty good time picking up cheerleaders and going down to the river with them."
Chapter 2: I Lack the Cognitive Ability to Recognize That When I Look in the Mirror I'm Actually Seeing a Reflection of Myself and Not Another Person
"Every time I want to masturbate in the bathroom this guy keeps coming in there with me and starts masturbating too."
Chapter 3: Vietnam Was Great
Wash reflects on his personal experiences and the life-changing hardships he faced during the Vietnam War, studying broadcast journalism at the University of Iowa.
Chapter 4: Bill Clinton Stuck His Penis Inside of All of our Mouths
Wash remembers Lewinskigate and the devastating effects it had on all Americans.
Chapter 5: 9/11 Was Bill Clinton's Fault
Chapter 6: About That Time I Punched Nelson Mandela in the Face...
Wash sets the record straight about the infamous night he accidentally punched Nelson Mandela in the face.
Chapter 7: Barack Obama Wants to Murder Me
On the evening of April 7th, 2009, Wash O'Hanley, while going for a midnight snack in the kitchen, fell down the stairs in his own home. Unfortunate accident, or Presidential assassination attempt?
"If you take all the letters from all the words in all of the President's speeches you will have more than enough letters to spell 'I, Barack Obama, am going to kill Wash O'Hanley.'"
Chapter 8: I Know Back When Bush Was President I Told Liberals That Even if They Didn't Like Him They Still Had To Recognize Him As President, But This Is Different.
Wash lists reasons why Barack Obama shouldn't be respected.
Chapter 9: Huffing Anti-Freeze is a Great High That Has No Downside Like Real Drugs
Chapter 10: I Can't Remember Anything and I'm Also Blind Now
Chapter 11: Someone Tell the Ghost of Eli Whitney to Get Out of My Kitchen
Wash describes a horrific evening when, during an anti-freeze-induced stupor, the famous 19th Century inventor broke into his home and ate most of his canned goods.
Chapter 11: I Need to Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze
Wash decides once and for all to kick his anti-freeze habit.
Chapter 12: I Can Huff Anti-Freeze One More Time and Not Get Addicted
Wash makes a poor decision.
Chapter 13: I Need To Stop Huffing Anti-Freeze Part II
Chapter 14: I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People
"I'm sick and tired of these queermos looking at my junk while I try to pee. They are ruining the once manly tradition of standing in a line with a bunch of dudes and peeing."
Chapter 15: If President Obama Isn't a Nazi Why is it so Easy to Draw Hitler Mustaches on Pictures of him?
Chapter 16: I Remember When It Used to be Socially Acceptable to Say the Word "Negro"
Wash laments the changing of social norms in America.
"He wasn't sure if it was safe to send his employees into that mine shaft and the nearest pet store was two miles away. Rather than waiting for someone to go buy a canary my great grandfather sent the first Chinese guy he could find down there."
Chapter 17: Nancy Pelosi is a Robot and Her Vagina is a Garbage Disposal
Chapter 18: Barack Obama is a Socialist
Chapter 19: I Just Learned Right Now What a Socialist Is
Chapter 20: I Want to Have a Threesome With Carrie Prejean and Sarah Palin While Newt Gingrich Videotapes it
Wash describes in vivid and graphic detail his sexual fantasy of having a threesome with shamed California beauty queen Carrie Prejean and shamed Vice Presidential candidate Sarah 'Failin' Palin.
"I want to start by saying that I respect both of these women for their intelligence and convictions and in no way want to reduce them to sexual objects whose only use is to satisfy men. Now I would start by having them both wear school girl outfits because those are freakin' hot."
Chapter 21: Why Are Ancient Middle-Eastern Goat Herders From the First Century Always Tricking Me Into Believing the Most Ridiculous and Obviously False Things?
Chapter 22: Reasons Why the Bible is the Only Valid Holy Book
"It says right there in the text that it is all true, why would the author of this work lie?"
Chapter 23: A Letter to my Great Great Grandchildren
"If you're reading this it means that your black Mexican Chinese slave handlers are momentarily distracted, giving you time to read books, which are strictly forbidden."
Wash O'Hanley's I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People is the most important book of the year (and possibly ever) and is the perfect Christmas gift for someone that has strong political views but doesn't like reading things that are long. Just read what the critics have to say:
"Most of the chapters are less than a page long."
"This book will appeal to people that don't like reading."
"Because of how short it is, it doesn't even serve as a useful paperweight."
Buy I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People today!
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SPECIAL OFFER! If you order I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People online at Wash O'Hanley's Official Website before December 23rd you'll receive a FREE copy of Wash's little-known 1993 novel Broadcast of Danger. Russ O'Leary is a small-town radio broadcaster that gets caught up in a tale of danger and intrigue as a mysterious woman, Billary Flinton, threatens to murder him, but nothing is as it seems. If you enjoy timely social commentary, mystery and robot lesbian eroticism you'll like Broadcast of Danger.
"Russ looked at her ample breasts. 'You have massive gozongas,' he said with a suave look on his face. Russ had had intercourse with lots of hot babes before but this chick was like a 9.5/10. She removed her g-string and walked across the room to him and pressed her naked body against him and at this point Russ started pitching a massive tent and then the hot naked chick reached down his pants and started stroking his massive boner and then the most awful thing you could ever think of happened: the totally hot chick he was about to bang pulled on her face and it turned out she was really Billary Flinton wearing a mask. GROSS! Russ reached for his space phazer gun but Flinton was too fast and kicked it out of his hand!"
What will happen next? You'll just have to read the novel to find out.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wash O'Hanley Announces Long-Awaited Next Book
Patriot Conservative Call to Action: Help Bankrupt America
10/20/2009
Patriotic Conservative call to action: Help bankrupt America!
Written by Wash O'Hanley, The Health Care Lobby and the GOP
Folks, whether you want it or not, socialized health care and all of the horrors that go along with providing health insurance to everyone in America is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it. A majority of the American people support it and with a Democrat majority in the senate there is little in the way of stopping it. Before you know it our Christian nation will be no different than vile and crime-ridden atheistic nations like Sweden and Denmark. Fighting this legislation has been fruitless and has only served to make the GOP look more bitter, more angry, and more out of touch with what the American people truly want and need. It is time that we accept our fate and regroup, we must face the fact that socialized health care is on the horizon for us and come up with a new way of facing the challenges that lay ahead of us. The time for socialized medicine has come and there is little we can do to stop it. I know that we as Conservatives prefer to see America through eyes that harken back to an era when things were more wholesome: people didn't have sex outside of marriage, there was no such thing as abortion, and it was still socially acceptable to call black people "negros." Unfortunately the opinions of the American people change and we need to realize that, the playing field has changed and whether you like it or not America is evolving.
Soon socialized medicine will be a part of all of our lives, fighting it is pointless now. As Conservatives we need to realize that we're in the 4th quarter, down by 37 points with 9 minutes left and the coach has sent in the back ups since there is no point in playing, and potentially injuring, our starters. As a back up do you try to win? No! You try and break the opposing running back's finger when you're in a dog pile. You "accidentally" poke a guy in the eye really hard with your finger nail while you're trying to make a tackle. You step on a dude's exposed leg skin with your cleats as you run by him while he's on the ground. The time for civility has passed. We've been thoroughly outplayed and now is the time for plan B: act like poor sports. As Conservative Patriotic Americans it is our duty and only choice to ruin this for everybody. Socialized health care will come into effect within the coming years, and it is up to us to make sure that people don't get to enjoy it for very long.
A Conservative Patriotic American Guide To Ruining Socialized Health Care For People That Genuinely Need It
The only way we're ever going to beat this menace is to use and over use it until we have exhausted it of all its resources and made it economically impossible to continue. I came up with this idea when reading about North Korea attempting cyber terrorism by flooding American and Israeli websites with hits in order to overload the servers with information, causing the website to temporarily go down. If we apply this logic to universal health care it becomes obvious that one could cause it to "crash" if enough people flooded the doctors offices and hospitals in need of free care, eventually socialized health care would go bankrupt. But the claims that people make would have to be real, because if people repeatedly went into a hospital or doctors office with phony problems eventually they would catch on and figure out ways to prevent people who aren't actually sick or hurt from using these free services. That is why I am calling on all Conservative Patriotic American Heroes to begin living a degenerate, dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle so that you will legitimately require medical attention frequently. Below are several sections that will help you in your new lifestyle choice!
Section 1: Dieting
Are you tired of being told by your physician that you need to have a better diet? Sick of eating bland and disgusting food just to lose a few pounds? Great news, it's actually easier to gain weight, and a lot tastier as well. People who are overweight have increased health problems ranging from heart conditions and susceptibility to a variety of diseases. While food that is made to aid you in losing weight is gross, food that helps you gain weight is delicious, addictive, and fun to eat, and thanks to new developments in mayonnaise technology it has never tasted better! But where does one begin? The question can be daunting, how can you make sure you're getting the most out of every calorie? Below are a few simple suggestions for gaining weight, and I think you'll find that bankrupting socialized medicine has never tasted better!
Here are just a few common foods that people eat teamed with a Conservative Patriotic American substitution alternative suggestion:
Lunch:
Instead of eating a salad, why not try a pile of pastrami instead? Pastrami is a among the tastiest of the deli meats and is also one of the fattiest. In fact, when in doubt, it's always a good bet to add a little pastrami to any meal. Here are a few creative examples of how a Conservative Patriotic American could add some pastrami to a meal. You're eating a bowl of New England Clam Chowder, throw a handful of pastrami in that bowl! Eating a PowerBar for an afternoon snack, wrap some pastrami around that bar for an extra boost! Making a bowl of Jello to enjoy after dinner, throw a bunch of pastrami in there and let it sit-- in 6-8 hours you'll have a delicious Jello and pastrami casserole.
Snacking:
Instead of eating that bag of Cheez-Its or Goldfish, why not snack on a 5 lbs. bag of salt? Sure salt tastes tastes awful and is difficult to eat, to combat this, try turning your marathon salt-eating into a game. First you see how much salt you can eat in a minute, then repeatedly try to break that record until you don't have anymore salt left.
Beverages:
Instead of drinking that bottle of juice or water, have a cool glass of olive oil instead. Olive oil is delicious-- that's why the Eye-talians put it on everything. Olive oil is like liquid pastrami, so feel free to put it on just about anything.
Desert: It's not just for after dinner anymore. Desert has always gotten sort of a bad rap. As a kid if you misbehaved you were sent to bed without desert, and as an adult you've had to skip desert because it goes straight to your thighs, but now that you're a Conservative Patriotic American it is your duty to eat desert after every meal. Don't consider any meal complete until you've had a tub of ice cream or entire birthday cake (editor's note: eating a birthday cake every day essentially makes every day your birthday!). Did your kids misbehave today? Make them skip dinner and eat two deserts instead!
Section 2: Living Life on the Edge
Your entire life you've been cautious; always driving at or below the speed limit, never taking unnecessary risks, always asking for a thorough health background check of anyone you sleep with, and never taking part in potentially dangerous sporting events. This was all well and good when everyone in America was paying for their health insurance, but in this America we're calling on every Conservative Patriotic American to take some unnecessary risks for the sake of the GOP and for the nation. Below are a few ways that you can more adequately live your life on the edge.
Drug Abuse: Not just for whinos anymore.
There has never been a better time to give in to peer pressure and finally start using drugs. Drug abuse is everything the rock stars and cool kids have billed it to be, and you'd have to be foolish not to start now. If you enjoy seeing new colors then don't miss out on the wonders of drug abuse! Not sure which drug to try? Try them all, they're all pretty much the same thing.
Michael Steele sez: "If you don't know where to find drugs just go to wherever black people congregate. Black people usually have drugs, so just find black people. Any black person will do. Don't be discouraged if they have a suit on or look affluent, even if they don't have drugs they probably have a cousin or brother-in-law who does."
Picking a drug is the same as picking a car or brand of American beer to drink. Do you consider yourself a high-powered Wall Street-type, if so cocaine may be for you. Do you aspire to be like the negros from the hit HBO series The Wire? Try crack. Do you enjoy waking up in the dumpster behind the Pizza Hut? Then meth may be the drug for you.*
*Side note: If you enjoy or think meth may be the drug for you, you may want to consider making it yourself. Making your own meth can be a very dangerous enterprise and meth house explosions and fires are not uncommon.
Death Sports
Are you tired of those totally lame extreme sports like skateboarding and surfing? Sure you can get injured participating in these extreme sports but they are usually superficial and non-life threatening. All of the most extreme youth are trying death sports today. Do you enjoy meeting and fighting new people? Contact your local fight club, they're always happy to take in new members. If you can't find a death sport that suits you, try inventing your own death sport. Play chicken in your car with a wall or side of a building; drive as fast as you can and see who moves out of the way first, whoever does is a chicken.
The ghost of Sonny Bono sez: "Teaming extreme or death sports with mind-altering drugs is always a winning combination."
Do most things on the roof:
If you absolutely must do something that isn't dangerous or death defying, try doing it on the roof, because everything becomes a death sport when you do it on the roof. Ironing shirts, cooking dinner (pastrami and jello casserole), and stationary exercise or jazzercise, all mundane tasks, become extreme sports to the max when one does them up on the roof. To spice up your next dinner get-together, children's birthday party or family wake, try holding them on the roof of your house-- it will be a great conversation starter!
Get AIDS:
There has never been a better time to catch AIDS, and it may be in the best interest of the Conservative party if you go ahead and catch it. People who have AIDS spend a lot of time in the hospital and require a lot of medical attention; all of which will be free in the coming universal health America. Now I know what you are thinking: "But Wash, isn't AIDS incurable?" The short answer is no: people only die of AIDS in the movies for dramatic effect, the reality of how dangerous AIDS are would surprise you. You also have to bear in mind that it's going to take years for socialized health care to come into effect and it will take several more years for you to die of AIDS, for all you know there may be a cure for it by then. In my educated opinion I say go for it!
Use Common Sense:
The most important piece of advice I can give you, Conservative Patriotic Americans, is to use your head. You don't want to kill yourself, just injure yourself severely enough that it will require hospitalization at the cost of our government. Always assess the situation, know the dangers and know your own limitations before attempting something, because if you kill yourself you are completely useless to the Conservative American Bankruptcy Cause.
Section 3: Enjoying a Sedentary Lifestyle
In order to maintain your fatty physique you're going to have to limit how much movement you do during your day-to-day life. Depending on how much movement you're already doing, you may need to cut down on physical activity 84-97%. Moving around burns essential calories and stimulates muscle growth, both of which are a danger to anyone trying to live an unhealthy lifestyle. Below are a few tips for how you can successfully live a sedentary lifestyle.
Making it work. Being sedentary, unlike being a homosexual, is a lifestyle choice that affects no one and everyone needs to respect you for choosing to partake of it. If you have a job (and if you're a Conservative Patriotic American chances are you're unemployable), demand that you work from home. Forget about caring for your family-- you're sedentary now. Your children are going to have to raise themselves now, stop wasting precious calories fixing them food and driving to and from school.
Being bedridden is no longer for people with polio. The bed can be a wondrous place and is the utopia of anyone attempting to live a sedentary lifestyle. Spend a week in bed and then just try living your life outside of it, I think you'll find that you cannot wait to get back under the sheets (and you probably won't be able to get out of bed anyway because of severe muscle atrophy).
Un-Health Tip: Resist the desire to have intercourse while you're bedridden. Despite the fact that you and your loved one may both be in the same bed close to 23 hours a day, and the urge to make love will be great, keep in mind that having sex can burn up to 200 calories an hour.
Limit how much you move. Literally tens of precious calories are burned every time you walk up and down the stairs, travel across the house, or beat off in the bathroom to a JC Penny's catalog. Limiting your movements will require you to rethink your daily routine. For example, let's say you're in the kitchen making a pastrami and jello casserole and you realize you have to go to the bathroom, which is on the other side of the house, a good 15 feet away. What do you do? Simple, you drop a deuce in the kitchen sink-- it has a garbage disposal.
Prologue: If you've read this far, which chances are, considering you're a Conservative Patriotic America, you haven't, congratulations: you're ready to embark on a new life as an unhealthy, dangerous-living, sedentary, pawn for the right wing in an attempt to bankrupt Universal Health Care. The GOP thanks you for your decision and promises that your sacrifices will not be forgotten when America is a smoldering, Chinese-speaking wasteland where lone scavengers hunt for cans of food in the cellars of burned out homes and roving gangs of cannibals roam the countryside capturing the scavengers. The casualties among you will be heavy, but you will not be forgotten, and you will not have died in vain, because from this complete destruction of Universal Health Care and bankruptcy of America the right will be able to make fun of Obama for failing. So until next time, remember: if your obesity isn't morbid obesity you aren't doing it right.
This guide was sponsored, paid for, endorsed and brought to you by the Health Care Lobby and the Republican Party.
Stop the Wild Allegations About Obama
9/24/2009
Now some people have made the speculation that Obama and his cabinet are going around appearing on every major television network whenever he wants, covering up his Kenyan birth and Manchurian Candidate brainwashing at the hands of Al Queda as a youth, subliminally indoctrinating children through his "stay in school speech," and forcing children to sing and dance praises of him like some kind of Kim Jong Il-esque tyrant.
To those people I point out the fact that Obama is actively working to fix the economy, run two wars simultaneously while traveling the nation pushing his health care reform. It seems like this guy has a lot on his plate. Anyone that believes that Obama is doing nothing but going around subversively brainwashing the nation through carefully planned subliminal messages and careful indoctrination of our youth like some kind of modern-day Hitler is living in some kind of fantasy world. It's this kind of tendency to resort to wild conspiracy theories and baseless allegations that have made the GOP look so bad.
No, the far more likely and logical explanation is that PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS INVENTED A MACHINE THAT CAN STOP TIME. That is correct. Now I may not have any "evidence" of this, but just stick with me on this one. President Obama is actively working to fix the economy, run two wars simultaneously while traveling the nation pushing his health care reform AND is appearing on every major television network whenever he wants, covering up his Kenyan birth and Manchurian Candidate brainwashing at the hands of Al Queda as a youth, subliminally indoctrinating children through his "stay in school speech," and forcing children to sing and dance praises of him like some kind of Kim Jong Il-esque tyrant. How can a man accomplish all of that in the same month? Most of us would be lucky if we could do all of that in two years! The answer is obvious, Obama has some kind of a machine that can freeze time, suspending all of humanity --except for him-- in some kind of stasis while he goes around accomplishing all of these things.
Not afraid yet? Well this is what it would look like if President Obama stopped time, broke into your home while everyone was stuck in suspended animation and felt up your wife:
Obviously this is just a speculative image made in photoshop to outline a point, but how can you not be shocked and afraid after looking at it?
Internet Rumors (aka Facts) About the Health Care Bill
8/10/2009
Folks, the health care debate is reaching a boiling point in America as angry Conservatives, looking to address their anger, are shipped to town halls across America by heartless corporations and Conservative think tanks. The once great landmarks for public discourse and debate have been reduced to slack-jawed buffoons reading scripts prepared by special interest focus groups and health care profiteers. In the past weeks, and surely in the coming weeks, a lot of crazy things have been said about socialized "Obamacare." All of these claims the President is quick to denounce, but in these trying times who really knows what is right and wrong and who can you really believe is on your side?
During the past weeks my inbox has been flooded with literally tens of e-mails about the health care bill and, as a public servant (I'm a public servant in the same way Dale Earnhard Jr. is a professional athlete), I feel it is my job and duty to dispel or confirm these rumors.
Musclecar1975 writes: Dear Wash, I recently read on Sarah Palin's facebook that under socialized health care we will have to sit before a panel of government bureaucrats who will decide whether we can get a life-saving operation. Is this true?
Unfortunately this is true. I covered the subject in a different topic earlier this week, let's take a look:
It's no secret that socialized medicine will lead to bureaucratic death-juries that will decide whether a person in need of care should get it or not. As a small government Conservative like Sarah Palin this idea enrages me to no end. These death-juries should be privately-owned by big businesses. I would much rather have an M.B.A.-holding corporate hack deciding whether or not I should live or die rather than some government lacky that should be in a cave in some Washington office. Let the free market decide whether someone should live or die-- that's what I believe.
YggdrasilKKK writes: i red on stormfront today taht under the new health care the government is gonna go around killing old people and sending retarded kids to be youth in asia
Another serious concern that is largely correct. It's no secret that Obama hates old people. Let's not forget that he murdered his own grandmother just days before the election, likely because she knew too much. Old people are our only bridge to a more wholesome and moral time when kids didn't have sex outside of marriage, drug usage was limited only to beatnik writers and Major League Baseball players and it was still socially acceptable to call black people "negroes." This is an era that president Obama wants us to forget and one way he is going to do it is by getting rid of all the old people.
Of course if Obama had been a good grandson he would realize that there are no better people to stimulate an economy than the elderly.
Eventually the country will become so broke we will have to sell our children to Asian countries (youth in Asia) where they will have to spend their lives working in toy factories making poisonous toys for Canadian and European children, while one out of every ten thousand children manages to become a professional Starcraft player.
MORE SHOCKING NEWS: This comes from some random guy's Facebook account that I just read. "Not only does Obama want to murder your grandparents: if your grandparents have already died he's going to use the shamanistic magic he learned in Kenya as a child to raise them from the dead so he can kill them again."
xXsMoKeZ_oUt_420Xx writes: how r we gunna pay 4 this shit wen bush lost all are fukin money and crawshed the econamy wit the war in irag and stuff cuz like 1 time i spent all my money on this dank ass weed and then i didnt have any money left but i tried to buy a doobie brothers cd but the guy at the store woodnt let me cuz i didnt have any money so instead i went to the office store and huffed that compressed air in a can stuff for a while
Hey! It was not President Bush's fault that we ran out of money and descended into this economic holocaust. Sure he wasn't perfect-- but who is? The guy only had his job for 8 years. Eight years of experience is usually when you start a serious career. The fact of the matter is that we need to discount some of Bush's mistakes to the usual learning curve that any new job takes.
There are three ways to explain how President Bush lost all of our money:
1- Remember when you are a little kid and you would go with your mom to the bank and you just assumed that the bank was giving her money? Of course when you reached age 7 your parents explained that you were wrong in this assumption. Unfortunately no one ever bothered to explain this to President Bush.
2- In the wake of the Y2k scare President Bush just assumed that once you spent nine-hundred and ninety-nine trillion, nine-hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine-hundred and ninety-nine million, nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents you actually go back to zero. Luckily a White House intern placed a Yahoo! Answers query on the validity of this assumption and discovered that numbers do not reset after a trillion. Unfortunately, even if President Bush had been right, we've still only spent $867 billion in the war on terror, well short of his $999 trillion mark.
3- Remember in the show Happy Days when the Fonz would hit the jukebox with his elbow and it would turn on without having to insert any coins? President Bush based his entire economic policy on that.
But most importantly, the economic downturn is chiefly due to you: the American people. Your reckless spending and poor financial choices were what brought us to this point. If anything, President Bush tried his hardest to get us out of this mess. During hot Washington summers when the heat can be seen rising off of the Potomac, President Bush was in front of the White House with his lemonade stand. And where were you? In your cars driving by with the windows up. We all know that it was just Country Time powder that he scooped with his unwashed hands into the pitcher, mixed with hose water, and then stirred with a used dildo. WE ALL KNOW THAT. But you had a quarter in your pocket and you could have just thrown the lemonade in the gutter when he was finding change for a nickel in his shoebox.
LibertarianThatIsTooMuchOfAPussyToAdmitHeVotedForBushIn2000 writes: I have legitimate concerns about this new health care bill and I want my voice to be heard, but every time I go to a town hall meeting these rednecks that were bused in by some multi-billion dollar think thank show up and disrupt everything. These are people that don't have any real ideas, are reading from scripts, and are the result of media over saturation that comes from listening to people like Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. I have real concerns and it's a shame that I am lumped in with these people.
Excuse me, sir, but these people are exercising their rights as Americans to act as mouth pieces for corporate health care providers. There is nothing more American than disrupting a town hall meeting with your douchebaggery. The Liberals have been crass and distasteful enough to even present this bill, and then they have the gall to go around and see what their constituents think about it. Where does it end? The fact of the matter is that the Conservatives have no alternative to this bill and we are not willing to budge. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. We live in a world where the loudest voice is the one that gets heard, so maybe we don't have any ideas, but we're at least going to prevent yours from being heard.
If intimidating working-class citizens with threats of violence, storming and disrupting town hall meetings and hanging effigies of President Obama and other Liberal elected-officials is un-American, then maybe I don't want to be an American.
"I heard from an inebriated but trustworthy man near the drug store that Obama is planning on aborting all pregnancies unless the baby is gay."
BigDogSouthCarolina1956 writes: Wash, my brother-in-law's former barber's best friend's cousin's co-worker's hunting buddy said that he got a chain e-mail that said that under the Obamacare people that have two working kidneys will be forced to give one away to a sick person because it is like a law of Communism or something. He also said that people that need kidneys won't be able to choose whose kidney they get, so theoretically they could get an Arab person's kidney and then they would turn into a Arab person them self. Does that make sense? It's like science, isn't it?
This is an absolutely true and terrifying fact about socialized health care. Folks, I'm not a scientist or a doctor, but I have watched like 25 re-run episodes of Scrubs so I am somewhat qualified to talk on this subject. If you take a kidney from a Muslim person and put it in a Christian person, that Christian person turns into a Muslim. This is just science. It's called The Transitive Property of Kidneys or something, but don't confuse this with The Transitive Property of Race (that if a black person listens to a Coldplay CD or goes skiing or votes Republican he becomes white).
Under Obama care if you have two working kidneys, two working lungs, or even two working eyes you will be forced to give one to a person that doesn't have one. This is just more of the same Orwellian policies that this President is trying to enact. Now how is that supposed to help the economic crisis? I'll tell you: it won't. What were the highest grossing movies this summer? Up, Transformers 2, G-Force, and Star Trek. What do all of these movies have in common? They were all in 3-D. How are the American people supposed to wear 3-D glasses when they only have one eye?
Folks, I hope these e-mails have helped to dispel some of the crazy rumors that have been going around about health care and I hope that they have encouraged you to get more involved in this ongoing debate; whether that is going to a town hall meeting and dumping a bucket of pig blood on a congressman's head, getting together with "the boys" and beating people that attend town hall meetings with baseball bats, or getting on a bus to read carefully-scripted lines devised by a company that makes billions of dollars off of human suffering every year. This issue is in YOUR hands!
Wash on Obama's Visit to Egypt
6/5/2009
In another move that proves that Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya that is going back to his home land where he was programmed as a Manchurian Candidate to give secrets to our enemies our President has gone to Egypt to give a speech to the nation of Islam in hopes of bettering our relations with them.
I am honored to be in the timeless city of Cairo, and to be hosted by two remarkable institutions. For over a thousand years, Al-Azhar has stood as a beacon of Islamic learning, and for over a century, Cairo University has been a source of Egypt's advancement. Together, you represent the harmony between tradition and progress. I am grateful for your hospitality, and the hospitality of the people of Egypt. I am also proud to carry with me the goodwill of the American people, and a greeting of peace from Muslim communities in my country: assalaamu alaykum.The full text of this vile speech can be found at an equally disgusting and pornographic site here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/0..._n_211217.html
Obama: Already a Lame Duck
1/27/2009
Folks, it has been only one week that has passed since the inauguration but already Barack Obama is proving himself to be a lame duck president. Obama took office under a platform that included a lot of far-out and crazy promises, hope and dreams. But as of eight days after being sworn in as President of these United States what has Mr. Obama done for us?
-We are currently embroiled in TWO wars and have no exit strategy. Obama has done nothing in his eight days in office to fix the situation in Iraq and Afghanatan.
-There is still strife in the Middle-East. Israel and Hamas are still at war and the Jews and the Muslims can't seem to get their acts together. In his eight days in office what has Obama done to fix this situation? How many more days will we have to wait? Will there be peace in the Middle-East before the Super Bowl? Before the Oscars?
-The economy is still in the toilet. In his one week in office Obama has done little to nothing to improve the economy. I was under the impression, based on all of his far-out speeches and claims that by this time the only financial troubles I would be having is what kind of caviar to eat. Right now our economy is at its worst point since the Great Depression and over the first eight days of Obama's Presidency has produced no results.
-America's public schools are still failing. Each year public high schools around America churn out more and more graduates who cannot read and write at a functioning adult level while drop-out rates increase in the inner cities. We need a new philosophy on education but in his first week in office Obama has done nothing to fix the education crisis. If he doesn't have time to fix this problem in his first week when will he get around to it?
-Life cannot be sustained on Venus. If in the event of a thermo-nuclear Holocaust or some kind of robot/alien take over we have no back up plan! Obama has taken no steps toward preventing the extinction of the human race. Where are the escape pods and the giant cannons that will launch these escape pods? Where are the space station-cities that will transport thousands of people at a time in sleep capsules to the lush surface of Venus? Where are the futuristic houses?
So what has Obama had time to do other than attend parades, go to balls and hob-knob with Hollywood celebrities on his first day on the job (any other person would have been fired for doing so little work on their first day but because Obama is black apparently it is ok for him to spend his entire first day doing nothing at the tax payer's expense)? Well for one he signed a bill that gives aid to foreign abortion clinics; just a small step towards his ultimate goal which is to abort already-born children. He also shut down Guantanamo Bay, releasing thousands of suspected terrorists into our communities. The next time you hear the ice cream truck come down the street it could be the number three in Al-Queda behind the wheel and on your child's first day of kintergarden don't be surprised when a man who blew up a bus full of nuns is the teacher.
I think it's pretty safe to assume that the first 8 days of this presidency are going to reflect the next four years (and God help us 8), expect little change.
Serious Evalutation of Obama is not Racist!
6/2/2008
For years white racists have had to sit back and bite their tongues as a slew of black celebrities, completely immune to white racism, have come and gone. Rodney King, Flava Flav, OJ Simpson, Rev. Wright and Shaquille O'Neal-- all worthy candidates for white racism-- spared only because of the negative stigma attached to racism. Well I say 'no more!', brothers and sistern! Barrack Hussein Obama Bin Laden is the first black man in almost a century that is not immune to white racism and we're going to take full advantage of this situation. Racism has always been considered bad by the Liberal elite, but as soon as that black man is running for elected office, especially President of the United States, we instantly transform from white racists to concerned citizens. If I speculate that Oprah has a crack addiction I am a toothless piss-ignorant white, but if I make the same speculation about Barrack Hussein Obama I am a concerned citizen making responsible choices for the future of this country. If I call Flava Flav an incompetent, drug-addled lunatic I am instantly labeled the shame of America, but if I say the same thing about Barrack Hussein Obama I'm making a valuable judgment about his aptitude.
I think it goes without saying that Barrack Hussein Obama is the savior of racism in America and I for one welcome his presence in the political scene.