Classic Quotes

"I wish us Conservatives could just solve the whole birther thing so we can go back to focusing on proving the Holocaust never happened." - Wash O'Hanley 6/12/12

My Opinions on Romney: Then vs. Now

Now that Romney has all but gained the Republican nomination for President of the United States in this upcoming election it is time for all us Republicans to get behind this candidate, like him or not, and bolster him to the top come November. True, I've slung a lot of negativity at Romney these last few months in hopes that another candidate would defeat him, but for every critical statement like "I'd rather pay a 12 year old Mexican anchor baby my year's salary to set an M-80 off in my urethra and then let a colony of fire ants have their way with whatever's left of my manhood than see someone as patently unqualified as Mitt Romney win the Presidency (February 15th, 2012)," there's a dozen beaming statements of endorsement like "It looks like I'm going to have to vote for Romney come November (April 19th, 2012)." In other words I've come around to the guy.

In the following post I'm going to juxtapose my comments that were critical of Romney vs. my recent shining comments of our Republican Presidential candidate to show that I am truly behind this guy.

Slightly critical quote:
"Mitt Romney is so out of touch with the average American it's like he's some sort of autistic robot that hails from a distant planet that's made entirely out of money. I don't see any scenario where he wins the majority of blue collar votes (September 26th, 2011)."

Vs. gleaming example of my approval of this candidate:
"I think many Americans will have no problem voting for Mitt Romney come November (April 20th, 2012)."

Harsh but fair observation about Romney:
"Every time this guy opens his mouth it seems like he is trying to compete with Santorum to see who can alienate female voters the quickest. I would go so far as to say that a life-sized cardboard cutout in a 7-11 of Charles Barkley selling Vagasil has a better chance of winning the female vote at this point (February 6th, 2012)."

Vs. Extremely positive endorsement:
"I think that his record on women's rights issues speaks for itself (April 16th, 2012)."

Taken out of context this does seem rather harsh, and taken in context it's also pretty harsh:
"Romney has been trying to drum up support by ritualistically committing political suicide every time he's in front of a microphone by putting on some kind of bizarre Christo-Facsist, Woman-hating Kabuki theater and it's not going to work (March 8th, 2012)."

Vs. What I truly believe:
"I believe the Romney campaign has made a series of very sound political decisions to get to where it is today."

Slightly negative comment:
"Romney flip flops so much you'd think he's a fish out of water. And like that invasive Asian Carp I caught last week, all I want to do is bash his brains in with an oar to help prevent him from continuing to poison America (August 13th, 2011)."

Vs. Beaming praise of our future Republican nominee:
"Romney's change of heart on a variety of subjects shows a certain level of maturity, and I believe his varying stances will make him appealing even to Liberal voters (April 18th, 2011)."

A little rough:
"The Romney Presidency would be a bigger abortion than the one his parents should have gotten (June 11th, 2011)."

Vs. How I feel now:
"Mitt Romney is a candidate for the Presidency in 2012 (April 14th, 2012)."

Extremely harsh but still warranted criticism:
"The only way I will vote for Mitt Romney is if he uses his Mormon witchcraft to curse me, causing me to vote for him against my will, at which point, faced with the knowledge that I've just voted for Romney, I will fling myself out a tenth story window and plunge to my horrible death (April 9th, 2012)."

Vs. My current opinion:
"Yes, I'm planning on voting for Mitt Romney (April 10th, 2012)."

So hopefully this clears a few things up about my stance on Mitt Romney: I support the man fully for the Presidency and plan on voting for him in November, unless Chris Christie jumps into the race.

If Rick Santorum believes something enough it becomes real

As the year 2012 marches on and the three remaining legitimate candidates for the GOP nomination work overtime to round up the remaining delegates needed to win, just about anything can be said in hopes of rounding up a few more votes. As the candidates loosen their collars to appeal to working class voters in Ohio, build up their religious faith to voters in Oklahoma, and talk about savagely beating a young black boy to death with a mattock handle and dumping the body in a river to appeal to Southern voters, we here at award-eligible Wash O'Hanley Show will be taking an in-depth and hard-hitting look at everything these candidates say. As Romney, Santorum and Gingrich try to drum up support by ritualistically committing political suicide every time they're in front of a microphone by putting on some kind of bizarre Christo-Facsist, Woman-hating Kabuki theater, the real victims are the American people, too lazy and/or stupid to look up the facts for themselves and too trusting to look past the vague half-truths and see them as blatant lies being spouted to scare them into an anti-incumbent frenzy.

At a campaign stop last month in Colombia, Missouri, Presidential candidate and right-wing performance artist Rick Santorum made a shocking statement about euthanasia in the Netherlands:

Quote:

“In the Netherlands, people wear different bracelets if they are elderly. And the bracelet is: ‘Do not euthanize me.’ Because they have voluntary euthanasia in the Netherlands but half of the people who are euthanized — ten percent of all deaths in the Netherlands — half of those people are enthanized involuntarily at hospitals because they are older and sick. And so elderly people in the Netherlands don’t go to the hospital. They go to another country, because they are afraid, because of budget purposes, they will not come out of that hospital if they go in there with sickness.” -Rick Santorum, February 3rd, 2012.

Involuntary euthanasia! Mass slaughterings of the elderly! Bracelets that beg doctors not to euthanize you (note: 'Do Not Euthanize Me' bracelets are not a non-douchey substitute to a 'Livestrong' bracelet)! All of this would be especially horrific if even one solitary syllable were actually based in any kind of fact that we as humans have agreed via thousands of years of society as being fact what so ever. As it turns out, according to The Washington Post, absolutely none of what The Frothy One said is even close to being true:

Quote:

Under the Dutch law, a doctor must diagnose the illness as incurable and the patient must have full control of his or her mental faculties. The patient must voluntarily and repeatedly request the procedure, and another doctor must provide a written opinion agreeing with the diagnosis. After the death, a commission made up of a doctor, a jurist and an ethical expert also are required to verify that the requirements for euthanasia have been met.

The article goes on to state that even Santorum's numbers about 10% of the Dutch population dying annually from euthanasia and 50% of those being involuntary are also bogus.

Folks, it would be easy for us to cast stones at this man and question him on why he would use such blatant falsehoods as fact to gain support for his political campaign, but what would that accomplish? Ruin his campaign by exposing how dangerously incompetent and unfit this man truly is to run for office? As a Christian I am always looking to forgive the sinner and underneath this story of shocking lies, pathetic pandering, and a frothy mixture of anal lubrication and feces, there has to be an answer.

Meet Santorum spokeswoman and pre-op tranny Alice Stewart, who so eloquently explained:

Quote:

"A lot of these things... it's just what's in his heart.

Case closed. Although credit is also due to the reporter in the video, who kept his composure and didn't bludgeon Stewart to death with his microphone after hearing her answer. Kudos. You see, in the race for the most important position of power in the entire solar system, it's not the "facts" that matter-- it's what's in the candidate's heart. What he believes to be true is all that matters, and really, isn't the ability to conceive of horrible things and then present them as horrible and take a stand against them a far greater measuring stick of a candidate's aptitude for this job than anything else?

I am personally appalled that in England, in order to keep Christian populations down, Christian couples are limited to only having one child, and if they have a second child it is sold to Vietnamese longshoremen. In an increasingly secular and anti-Christian society under Barack Obama, this could very well be a reality if Christians everywhere don't do something to stop it.

Now granted, none of what I just said is even close to being true and the majority of it is some nonsense I heard an inebriated wino screaming in a dumpster behind the liquor store last night, but isn't it really reassuring that I am vehemently opposed to selling Christian babies to Vietnamese longshoremen? To me it doesn't matter that in the Netherlands elderly people aren't forced into euthanasia against their will under socialized medicine, the fact that Prick Santorum is against that idea is really all that matters to me. The fact that Santorum would stand up against a system that would send elderly people to their deaths against their will lets me know that this man has theoretical morals. That this man has theoretical values. That this man will stand up for what is theoretically just.

As long as you believe in your heart that evils theoretically exist and you are theoretically willing to do anything you can to fight them, you are also theoretically a good and noble person.

I have spent a lot of time with Mr. Santorum over the years and I have gotten to know him quite well. During this campaign a lot has been said about his social beliefs and many have questioned if someone with beliefs as radical as his is fit to run the White House. On many social issues he is aligned with the Conservative right: he opposes gay marriage, abortion, the welfare state, and the exclusion of Christian rhetoric from our government discourse. In many other regards, though, his positions seem "out-there," dated, and archaic: he opposes sex outside of marriage, he opposes sex for any purpose other than procreation, he opposes sex, as President he wants to ban pornography, and he rejects the use of legal contraceptives. Many have questioned the sanity of someone that is willing to take on the legality of pornography, contraceptives or teens sticking their penises in any hole they can stick their penises inside of. These are tired debates that happened decades ago and are now looked on with disappointment as having taken place in an era of sexual repression by a bunch of prudes. Knowing Santorum, however, I can say this isn't the case.

Rick Santorum opposes pornography because young women in the Czech Republic are regularly abducted off the streets and forced to perform in hot girl-on-girl action against their wills. If America does not ban the production, sale and consumption of pornography this could be a very real threat on the streets of our American towns. Even though there is absolutely no evidence that this happens in the Czech Republic, doesn't Rick Santorum sound like a really nice guy with real values for opposing such an awful theoretical human rights violation?

Likewise, Rick Santorum opposes the use of contraception because lax drug policies have allowed cheap Cambodian knock-offs of popular birth control pills to flood the French markets where thousands of young women have had their uterus unexpectedly shrivel up and eject from their body through their vagina like an escape pod launching out of a space ship. Now, before you throw your birth control pills out the window in rage it should be noted that not one instance of a uterus being launched out of a woman's body like a human cannonball circus act has been reported in France, but the mere fact that Rick Santorum would think this up and then be against it has to be reassuring to woman's health advocates the world over.

After the legalization of gay marriage in Argentina in 2010, it has been socially acceptable for roving gangs of homosexuals to hunt down anyone who opposes gay marriage, tear off their penis, and use it to make a traditional native fertility figurine. If gay marriage is legalized in the USA the same will happen. Even though absolutely no evidence of any kind, whether it be legal document or even local legend exists to back that story up, isn't it good to know Rick Santorum is willing to enact laws to ensure roving gangs of homosexuals won't tear off your penis and use it to make an offering to Chiconahui? What a great guy!

The same can be said for the Bible. When taken as literal fact aren't the stories of the Bible a little... out there? Certainly. But it doesn't make them feel any less real. Did God really destroy the city of Sodom and Gomorrah in a rain of fire? Did Noah really gather two of every animal and travel the seas after a great flood? Did Jesus Christ really heal lepers, turn water into wine and walk on water? Logically the stories make little sense in a modern world of science and reason, but in a world of imagination and wonder --the world Rick Santorum occupies-- they all make perfect sense. Maybe the stories of the Bible are just parables meant to shape our lives and teach us how to be better people, but that doesn't make them less real.
 
Maybe that is how we should interpret the Rick Santorum Presidential candidacy. The things Rick Santorum say aren't meant to be taken as absolute fact, for they harken from an antiquated time that has little resemblance to our own. This is not a time that can be measured in A.D. or B.C. No, it is its own parallel time that runs independent of our own. A time called "B.S."

In B.S. the things Rick Santorum say make perfect sense as both a reminder of how to live our lives and a literal record for things that have happened. Perhaps in our time a Cambodian birth control pill won't cause your uterus to rip out of your vagina like the alien from Alien, but in B.S. that actually happened! In B.S. all the horrible things that Rick Santorum (and Lyndon LaRouche) can come up with actually happened and Rick Santorum stood up against them. Rick Santorum is theoretically a really nice guy.

To some Rick Santorum may seem like a completely batshit nuts, douchebag, fascist, conspiracy theorist whose entire life mission is to dictate what goes in and out of every female's reproductive orifice in the United States while popularizing his own brand of frigid Christian sexual morality that has reduced him to the sad husk of a clearly repressed "man." (Try watching Rick and his wife have sex some time, it's like two people of below-average sexual attractiveness plank on top of each other. Wait... what am I saying "like?" [Also, if Rick Santorum asks you to film him and his wife doing it, just say no: I fell for that three times]) But to those of us who -see- him, who -understand- him, he is so much more. He is a truly great man who has an active imagination, but ultimately wants what's best for for the world. Maybe he makes things up, but in that imaginary world that he occupies called "B.S." he has always been on the side for what is right, and when it comes to voting for a President, isn't that what it's all about? Well, that and whether or not you want to have a beer with the guy.

Support Joseph Kony!

SUPPORT JOSEPH KONY
"Everything Joseph Kony has done has its foundations in the Bible and these attacks against him are also an attack against all Christians. You cannot be a Christian and not support Joseph Kony." -Wash O'Hanley, Conservative Radio Pundit, Author, Social Commentator, American and Christian Hero

Joseph Kony is a Ugandan hero and a friend of all Christians everywhere. Since the 1980's, Kony, the leader of his own army called the "Lord's Resistance Army," has worked tirelessly in his efforts to rid Central Africa of Muslims and bring about a theocracy that is based on the Ten Commandments.

Joseph Kony is currently being unfairly chastised by our Godless Liberal media as being some kind of inhuman monster. They say he abducts children and forces them into a life of fighting or sex-servitude. I know this is not true for I have known Joseph Kony for many years and consider him to be a close personal friend of mine. I hope that the following will convince you that Joseph Kony is not nearly as bad as the media has painted him to be. Joseph Kony is as True a Christian as they come and all Christians around the world must stand up against this injustice against one of our brothers.

An attack again Joseph Kony is an attack against the Christian faith.

Some facts about Joseph Kony:

• Joseph Kony has been known to be so serious about his love of God that once a year he travels to the top of a mountain in Uganda and lies in quiet prayer in the hot sun for days at a time while termites devour his skin.
• Joseph Kony is on a crusade for God and his son, Jesus Christ, and has been known to paint crosses on his soldier's chests to prevent them from being struck by bullets (because only the lord can protect you from harm. [Psalms 121:7])

Joseph Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army are Christians who believe in Democracy and Freedom:

Quote:

God is the one helping us in the bush. That’s why we created this name, Lord’s Resistance Army. And people always ask us, are we fighting for the Ten Commandments of God. That is true – because the Ten Commandments of God is the constitution that God has given to the people of the world. -Vincent Otti (Former Deputy-Leader of the LRA)

According to Secretary for External Affairs and Mobilisation, James Obita, the purpose of the LRA is to:

• To fight for the immediate restoration of competitive multi-party democracy in Uganda.
• To see an end to gross violation of human rights and dignity of Ugandans.
• To ensure the restoration of peace and security in Uganda.
• To ensure unity, sovereignty and economic prosperity beneficial to all Ugandans
• To bring to an end to the repressive policy of deliberate marginalization of groups of people who may not agree with the National Resistance Army's ideology.

Ensuring Democracy, ending human rights violations, restoring peace, ensuring unity and ending marginalization of minorities? Does that sound familiar? It sounds like the goals of the United States as well. Joseph Kony loves freedom, democracy and America and even went so far as to name one of his sons George Bush, after America's greatest President.

You cannot be a Christian and not support Joseph Kony

Common misconceptions about the LRA:

Q: Does the LRA commit acts of violence against their enemies?
A: Of course, they are an army. However, it is important to note that most of their supposed crimes have been greatly exaggerated.

Q: Does the LRA use child soldiers?
A: Yes, but it's important to remember that no where in the Bible is the use of child soldiers either expressly condemned or condoned. From a Christian Biblical context there is absolutely nothing wrong with the use of children soldiers in a war.

Q: Does the LRA kidnap young girls and use them as sex slaves?
A: Yes, however it is important to remember that the Holy Bible is extremely pro-slavery and has numerous pro-slavery verses and chapters. Take Deuteronomy 21: 10-14 for example:

Quote:

When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

According to the Bible there is nothing wrong with taking a female slave for the purposes of sex.

Joseph Kony: translating the Old Testament into our modern world

By Biblical standards Joseph Kony is hardly an inhuman killing machine...
Instead he is quite the contrary. Joseph Kony is painted as a monster by our Liberal media, yet if he'd been leading the Lord's Resistance Army in the Old Testament days our children would be learning about him as a hero in their Sunday School classes. By all Biblical accounts and standards he has done nothing wrong! Take, for example, the war between Moses and the Midianites in Numbers 31. After the sons of Israel defeated the armies of the Midianites, sacked their cities and slayed their kings, God DEMANDED that they kill all the male children of the town and all the women who were not virgins and to take all the virgin girls for themselves.


Joseph Kony is being unfairly persecuted by those who hate God and wish to persecute us for our beliefs. By the standards of the Holy Bible, where we derive all that is right and wrong, Joseph Kony has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has in fact worked constantly and totally in accordance with God's perfect word. Christians everywhere, from all countries, must rise up together and stand united for our persecuted brother. BEING A CHRISTIAN MEANS SUPPORTING JOSEPH KONY!


Take the pledge with me. Together we can stop this persecution and blatant intolerance towards Joseph Kony and other Christians around the world. Reply to this post by saying "I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I SUPPORT JOSEPH KONY!" So that everyone around the world can see that Christians will not stand for this attack on our religion.


"I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I SUPPORT JOSEPH KONY!" -Wash O'Hanley (3/11/12)

Memories of 4th of July's Past

Tomorrow is July 4th and all Americans, regardless of race, religion or political background will take the time to reflect on that which makes America the greatest country in the world. As we light the BBQs, play ball with the kids in the park and watch fireworks we will be reminded of the incredible feats countless Americans overcame to create this great nation, and the sacrifices so many have made to preserve it. The 4th of July holds a special place in the heart of every American and today I'd like to take a moment to talk about one 4th that has stood above all the rest in my mind.

It was the summer of '61 and my parents sent me down to McComb, Mississippi, to stay with my Uncle Charlie. Uncle Charlie was a salty fellow. He swore worse than a sailor and always seemed to be covered in grease of an unknown origin, but deep down he had a kind heart and truly cared for my cousins and I. I remember he'd pull out that handkerchief, blackened from the grease stains of a thousand days, and whip his hands with it as he spit yellow check-juice through his front teeth onto the dusty Mississippi ground. He liked people to think he was a tough customer, but deep down he was a big softy.

I don't think I ever told anybody but growing up I thought Uncle Charlie was the finest man that ever lived.

It was a hot and dry summer, much like the one we're in now. With the fire risk at dangerous levels that summer, fireworks displays were banned in the tri-county area and it looked like all hope was lost for having a real 4th of July. We moped around for days at the thought of missing out on that fireworks display and couldn't seem to muster up enough energy to go do the things boys our age normally did in the summer months like play in the creek or go for a bike ride. It seemed like all was lost.

Uncle Charlie, he noticed we just weren't the same and he knew why. When the 4th rolled around we could barely get ourselves out of bed. Mid-day rolled around and us boys were still in bed, trying to make it through the miserable day without getting up when Old Uncle Charlie came bursting through the bedroom door and shouted at us to "GET OUTTA BED, YA HEAR? GET OUTTA BED!" We whined and complained but he wasn't having any of it and soon the sheets were ripped off the beds and we had no choice but to get up and get dressed.

After a quick meal we were in his old Ford pickup heading down a dirt road through some farmland to a destination we didn't know. He pulled up in front of an old rundown shack in the middle of nowhere where some ancient-looking man in overalls sat rocking back and forth in a rocking chair cradling a shotgun in his lap as an equally lazy-looking smell hound sat with its head dropped over the top step like a sack of onions placed carelessly on the side of the porch. Uncle Charlie went up to the man and after a spell they went inside while us boys sat in the car and swatted at the flies and other various insect-life.

After about fifteen minutes Uncle Charlie comes out carrying a burlap sack full of oblong objects and tosses it in the bed, producing a hollow THUD. We didn't ask him what was in the bag because we all knew he wouldn't tell us, but based on that stupid grin he had on his face we knew we'd enjoy it. After a quick trip back into town that produced strawberry ice-cream cones for everyone we headed back home where Aunt Mavis had prepared BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, fresh lemonade and strawberry shortcakes.

These gestures were all nice but it still didn't make up for the fact there'd be no fireworks this 4th. The boys and I played grab-ass in the backyard as the sun retired over the horizon and made the sky a gradient of blues and purples and oranges. Uncle Charlie sat there at the picnic table the whole time chewing on a long piece of grass with that same stupid grin still painted across his face. Eventually rose from his spot with great effort and made his way to the pickup, pulling that burlap sack from the bed. We gathered 'round instantly and looking down into the void of that bag as he held it open for us. Fireworks. That's right, Fireworks.

He took us out into a field not too far and we shot them off. For about five minutes or so it felt like we were watching one of those big-city fireworks shows we'd seen before. When we ran out we weren't sad because we all appreciated what he'd done for us. We rode in that pickup with the same stupid grins plastered on our face as Old Uncle Charlie. It was truly the greatest 4th of July any of us would ever experience.

We all thanked him modestly, the way a young boy might, not getting too excited, but deep down I knew that day Uncle Charlie was the most generous man in the world and I was truly a lucky boy to have this man as my momma's brother.

What happened next is pretty vague and images and memories come in and out, sometimes without context or explanation. I hope I can remember it thoroughly...

As we come up on the road we normally turned on to get to Uncle Charlie's he keeps going straight and about ten or fifteen miles down the road he finally takes a turn onto this bumpy dirt path. None of us said anything until about six miles down the road when we'd probably been thrown into the air by the ruts and potholes in this road no fewer'n sixty times.

"Where we goin', Uncle Charlie?" I asked.
"You'll see" he replied with that stupid grin.

Something happened next, but I just can't quite remember it clearly.

We pull up at this gate in the woods and he gets out and opens it, drives us through, gets out again and closes it behind us, then gets back in and continues down the road. 'Bout maybe two more miles we come to this big clearing and all the sudden we see maybe fifty or sixty cars and two or three hundred people all sitting around on picnic blankets and what-not, all illuminated by candles and other lights. We get out and Charlie leads us down to an open spot and sits us down among the masses. We don't know what's going on but we all have a good feeling that we're about to see something we won't ever forget.

Why were we at this place? Why'd Charlie take us to this clearing? I can't remember any more. And where'd Charlie go? He must have headed off somewhere at some point when none of us were paying attention.

OH NO! It's all coming back to me!

Soon enough a great hush fell over the crowd. We look around, not quite sure what's going on. On the blanket next to us the teenage couple stop necking and start looking off toward the top of the hill on the edge of this clearing we're all sitting around. So we turned and watched the damnedest thing I ever saw, which at the time I had no explanation for, as a couple of hooded guys come out holding this black boy no older than 17. He's crying and has snot running down his nose looking all kinds of pitiful. So we look at each other and shrug cause we don't have the slightest idea what is going on, but we keep watching, hoping to find out. At this point the hooded guys put a noose around this boy's neck and make him stand on a log and then tighten the noose over a branch. The boy keeps crying and the hooded guy makes this proclamation that has vanished into my memory at this time and when he's done the whole crowd is hooting and shouting at this boy. Meanwhile my cousins and I still have no idea what's going on but we're hooting and shouting along just because we felt like that was the right thing to do in that situation. So once the hooting and shouting reaches a crescendo one of the hooded guys kicks the log out from under the boy and he falls a foot or so and then just hangs there by his neck. He keeps twitching and such, I learned later in life it was probably because they didn't drop him from high enough and he was slowly choking to death rather than instantly dying from having his neck broken. So as he's twitching and writhing around these hooded guys start dowsing him in what was presumably lighter fluid and then set this guy on fire in front of all of us and at this point everyone is shouting and cheering and such.

Oh God, they killed that boy! They hanged him and they set him on fire. And... and... more is coming back to me... Uncle Charlie was one of those hooded men.

My cousins and I didn't know what to feel or how to interpret what we'd just witnessed, but I think we all knew we now had a profound life experience that linked us all, no matter where life took us. We walked back to the truck in silence, waiting for us there was Uncle Charlie. We didn't speak at all on the way back to the house and a few days later my parents came and picked me up and took me home.

I never saw Uncle Charlie again. A few months later my mom said he went back to college, which I thought was odd considering his age and lack of high school education. She told us we'd see him again when he got his degree in 15-20 years, but about two years later he died when a fellow classmate shanked him in a History of 19th Century Irish Poetry class.

Wow, looking back at that as an adult, come to think of it, Uncle Charlie was a terrible person. Wow, I really misread him as a kid, didn't I? Geeze, this really puts a damper on this holiday for me.

Classic Quotes

5/1/11

Wash on the death of Osama Bin Laden:

"The last time I was this happy was at my son's wedding, but this time I'm not firing a handgun into the air while vomiting moonshine and popcorn shrimp. I guess the jist of this post is I'm gonna grab a gun, get wrecked and head to Long John Silvers. AMERICA!"

Wash O'Hanley's final thoughts (on the eve of the apocalypse)

Brothers and sisters, enemies and friends,

As I sit here at my computer typing my final thoughts on the eve of the end of the world, many thoughts have poured through this old and alcohol-damaged mind of mine. According to Harold Camping, end-times-prophet-performance-artist-slash-ancient-mongoloid, great earthquakes will rage across the earth destroying it hemisphere-by-hemisphere and timezone-by-timezone. While most of us won't be around to witness this unspeakable horror as we are engulfed into the fiery bowels of the earth, I still feel bad seeing the earth go out in a more unflattering way than Arnold Schwarzenegger's career. It's no secret I love the Earth, the fact is I've lived here my whole life, and as I spend my last day on her surface I can't help but think about all things I never got to do with her during our time together during my long and illustrious life.

- A sunrise over the Grand Canyon. What majesty that must be, to watch in awe as the sun rises over the beauty that is the Grand Canyon.

- Witness the birth of my son. This one has always stung a little bit. But it was the week of the Iowa Straw Poll Caucus and you know... work.

- Go to Hawaii and learn how to surf. I always wanted to do this. Perhaps it was from growing up in a landlocked state but I always had a fascination with surfing. Something about conquering mother nature, but also showing respect for her great power. Watching those guys surfing in the movies and on tv was like watching an artist, only the board was their paintbrush. It's disappointing that I'll never get to know what that rush is like. Oh well.

- Travel outside the U.S. It isn't like you couldn't. Don't give me that "my job is my life" B.S. The Wash O'Hanley Show barely constituted journalism. Hell, it hardly constituted a show! We both know it's only reason for existence was to sell post-apocalyptic freeze-dried food (which is POISON, don't eat it, for the love of God!) and gold buying services to medicated elderly racists. Heck, half the time you threw a re-run on and those vegetables didn't even realize. One time this old faggot honestly told me my week of shows were the most relevant and insightful he'd ever heard-- WE PLAYED RE-RUNS FROM THE GULF WAR SO I COULD GO TO ARUBA THAT WEEK. It was 2008. God damn!

- Do something more useful than The Wash O'Hanley Show. I had a pulpit, a listening base and a message and all I did for three hours a week for 34 weeks out of the year was complain about black people and teenagers. I could have really been the catalyst for social change in this country. Instead I'd just get hopped up on vicodin, get wrecked on Sailor Jerry and complain about what was on the front page of the newspaper. No wonder I'm a laughing stock in the broadcast community. my autobiography was a joke-- most of it was just stories I made up and the last 120 pages was just the screenplay version of the book.

- Witness the birth of my second son. What can I say? I just dropped the ball on this one. I think there was a shrimp fest at Red Lobster... or some other kind of fest going on. Or I just plum forgot about it. Oh well.

- Finish watching those According to Jim DVDs you borrowed from Craig last year and never gave back. I don't know, I got like 3/4ths of the way through the show and then kind of gave up on it. It's like, they were sitting there on the DVD player but I could never work up the enthusiasm to ever just put them in and watch them. I'm such a lazy worthless ass. It was tv. All you do is sit there and point your face in the direction of the box and keep your eyes open. Jesus.

- Use that gift certificate for a month of spin classes at the local gym. I don't know why I never used this thing. It was sitting here next to the computer for like 6 months. I knew I needed to get into better shape. Hell, I even bought a pair of running shorts and shoes not too long ago to facilitate working out. I don't know why I could never get up the nerve to do it. Jesus Christ, it isn't like you didn't have the time, you fat asshole. What? Too busy to stay in shape. You're fucking disgusting. IT WAS FREE. IT WAS FREE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. SOMEBODY PAID FOR THAT, AND GAVE IT TO YOU AS A GIFT, AND YOU STILL COULDN'T USE IT. YOU HAD TIME TO GET THREE-FOURTHS OF THE WAY THROUGH THOSE ACCORDING TO JIM DVDS BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE GYM. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

- Run for political office. It's no secret I've always toyed with the idea of running for public office. We're not talking about Governor or President here, but Comptroller, Treasurer-- nothing wrong with those. I feel like I have a lot to offer and I want to give back to the community that has given me so much in return. It's not like I need the money. I have more than enough saved up from the show. I can walk away at any time if I wanted to. THEN WHAT IS IT? WHY COULDN'T YOU DO IT? I guess it just goes back to getting the motivation to go down there and get the forms and go through all the stuff that it takes to run for one of those seats. AND THE DEAD TRANNY HOOKER? What? THE DEAD TRANNY HOOKER. I... I don't know what you're talking about. YES YOU DO! DON'T YOU LIE. Look, I don't know how she got there. YES YOU DO. I just went to sleep and when I woke up... there was blood everywhere. YOU DID THAT. No I didn't! YES YOU DID. YOU TOOK A LIFE... A HUMAN LIFE. Don't say that. No! I didn't do that to him. YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'LL FIND OUT. Of course I am! THERE'S BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS, O'HANLEY, AND I HAVE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT. You wouldn't! YOU'LL NEVER GET ELECTED IN THIS TOWN, WASH, OR ANY TOWN. WASH O'HANLEY THE TRANNY STRANGLER, CHOKED A SHEMALE WITH A COAT HANGER. No! No! Stop it! I cannot take any more, grim voice inside my head!

- Go to that Thai-fusion restaurant in the mall. It was there for years and I always wanted to go in, but I don't know. It was sort of intimidating, you know? What was I going to order? I've never had Thai food so I felt like I needed someone that knew what they were doing to go with me and order, but I didn't know anyone. And it wasn't like I didn't go in the mall often-- the kid at the cell phone case cart got a restraining order against me because I spent so much time there. (He looked inquisitive and I figured he'd be an inexpensive alternative to a real psychiatrist with an M.D.) I mean, it was always there and I never went in. I always liked to blame my not eating there on my social anxiety disorder but we both know that's a lie. MEN DON'T GET SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. STOP BEING A PUSSY AND JUST GO IN THE RESTAURANT YOU DICK. THEY WANT YOUR BUSINESS. THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU GET A SPONTANEOUS ERECTIONS WHEN YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE. IT'S NORMAL. IT'S NORMAL YOU PUSSY. STOP CRYING. STOP CRYING YOU LITTLE GIRL. YOU LITTLE FUCKING CHILD. STOP CRYING.

So in the waning moments of our mortal existence on this rock spinning around the sun I a feel a bitter sweetness as look forward with great joy on the life I'm embarking on, yet look back on all I never experienced in this life of mine. As we spend our final hours with our friends and family I implore all of you to take a moment and perhaps come up with a list similar to mine to share with each other. Don't be afraid to spill your inner-most secrets, for it's not like anyone is going to be able to read this tomorrow.

-Yours in him,
Wash O'Hanley the Tranny Strangler
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

How does this person still have a job?

What if I told you there is a person in these United States this very moment who has a very important and prestigious job? Many, many people rely on this person to show up for this job every single day. Whether this person is sick or tired or hung over this job is so important that this person needs to suck it up and drag their butt into work every day because of the gravity of this job. This is a job that requires common sense, dedication, commitment, empathy, determination, and the ability to sometimes look past your own opinions to see the greater wisdom in decisions that need to be made.

What if I told you the person who holds this job hasn't been doing their job lately? They haven't even been half-assing it. This person has flat-out stopped trying. Do you think it's fair that this person gets to hold this lucrative job while so many fellow Americans are without one?

What if I told you this person hadn't been in to work in nearly two weeks, without so much as a phone call? Do you think that you, Dear Reader, would be able to hold your Sales Associate position at PetCo if you decided to take an unannounced two-week vacation without so much as calling a single person? So how do you feel when I tell you that this person isn't going to lose their job?

You may no longer believe that I am talking about a real person, for this description I've provided is so incredibly outrageous that surely no person, no matter what position, would be able to hold on to their job after showing such an utter lack of respect for the dignity of the position or for the responsibilities that having such a position would entail. However, I assure you that this person exists in the manner that I have described.

It should come as no surprise to you that I am talking about a politician in our very own Government, a system so corrupt and morally bankrupt that someone of such poor moral fiber would be able to slip through the cracks totally unnoticed... or maybe no one cared to notice. I think the real question, though, is how much longer are we, the American populous, going to let our elected officials spit in our faces before we finally do something about them? And it is at this point that I feel that it is necessary to finally reveal the name of the heinous vagabond for which this topic is dedicated...

The person to which I have described in detail above is none other than United States Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D) of Arizona. It should come as no surprise to my Patriotic Conservative® readers that this lazy Democrat has, for the past fortnight, made absolutely no effort to show up to work. Even worse, my inside sources have informed me that not only has she refused to make so much as a phone call explaining herself, but has also not left her bed during this time.

At this point the actions of selfish Liberals should no longer shock us, but even for a seasoned newsman like myself I find it hard to fathom this level of negligence towards one's duties.

Folks, this woman is not a hard-working American like you or I. She has no blue collars among the pant-suits in her closet. She has never tasted the sting of sweat in her eyes from a hard day's work at the baby food/rat poison factory like you have. Yet she feels entitled to a day off. Where's your day off? I say that until Gabrielle Giffords goes back to work, Conservative Patriotic Ameri-Hero-Cans™ shouldn't have to work either. That is why starting tomorrow I'm calling on all my faithful listeners and readers to stand up to Democratic tyranny and shout:

"I'm not going to work until Gabrielle Giffords does!"

It's time Conservatives stopped turning a blind eye to this fat-cattery and big-wiggery among the Democratic left and took a stand. Maybe if enough people don't show up for work during the coming days Mrs. Giffords will see just how important a little hard work and dedication to your job really is. I want to hear it shouted from the rooftops, I want to see written in chalk in the streets, I want every True Christian(TM) Conservative to post those very words in this topic this very instant!!!

"I'm not going to work until Gabrielle Giffords does!"

Who knows, maybe it'll compel her to turn off those re-runs of [i]How I Met Your Mother[/i] and finally get out of bed and maybe, just maybe, do a little work (you know, that thing she was elected to do). I doubt it. 

May God be with us,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III (Southeastern Iowa's #3 most trusted voice in political news and punditry)

Letters From the War on Christmas

Dearest Martha,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I hope mother and the children are also well. When I first joined up I was too naive to truly understand the horrors of war, and now I will never be the same.

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart. Our mission was to take the strategic wholesale retailer that has refused to use the word "Christmas" in any of their advertising or employee-to-customer greetings. Last night we set up camp on the creek next to the Shell Station. Many of us had never seen the horrors of war and didn't know what to expect. As dawn rose our commander gathered us and within the hour we were packed and ready to march.

We crested the hill behind the loading docks and made a surprise attack through the emergency exit. As we stormed the store customers grabbed their children and fled. After capturing the employees and tying them up in the break room we proceeded to spray paint the word "Christmas" on the outside window and install a makeshift manger scene on a small lawn in front of the store.

I will spare you the details of what we did to the employees for I know your heart cannot handle knowing. War turns every man, even the gentlest radio broadcaster, into a monster. I pray that this war will end soon, for I do not know how much more of these horrors I can endure. Sometimes when I'm sleeping under the stars I look up at them and find comfort in knowing that you are looking up at the same ones as me.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in my lifetime, there will come a day when Christians no longer have to publicly embarrass themselves in order to push their beliefs on others. That's what I'm fighting for.

Yours always, from the front lines in the war on Christmas,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

For the Record...

Some people have accused me of wanting to repeal the First Amendment, but that simply isn't true. I believe Americans should be allowed to observe any religion they so choose, as long as it isn't one of the religions that will damn your eternal soul to Hell.

It's illegal to destroy your body with drugs, why is it legal to destroy your soul by worshiping false religions?

How to find out if your children are on the path to Salvation

Recently I've grown worried that my grandchildren aren't on the right path to one day being True Christians™ like their parents and I: for one they hardly show any interest in going to church and act as though Bible memorization were a chore! At ages 6 and 8 I know they have a few years before they are accountable for their actions, but I'm still worried that they haven't shown that they love Christ enough. With so many bad influences and crazy people in the world feeding my grandchildren lies through the media and school I knew I had to take actions into my own hands, lest they be permanently scarred by the deranged actions of some sick individual. Last week I came up with a plan to see if they really love Jesus and went through with it last night. I convinced my son to take his wife out for a date so I could baby sit the kids.

The evening went off without a hitch: we had pizza, watched a movie and had a grand old time. Bedtime came and I tucked the children in and read them a story.

Once they were asleep I dressed up in all black, put a ski mask on and started lurking around in the bushes outside of the house. I broke in to the house and tip-toed upstairs. I visited my granddaughter first. She lay in bed like a little angel, her blond hair cascading over her pillow and a little stuffed bear held tight in her arms. She is truly the apple of my eye. I took out a rag doused in chloroform and held it over her mouth. She awoke long enough to let out a muffled scream before passing out.

I then tip-toed across the hall to my grandson's room and did the same to him.

While the kids were out I tied them with some rope to two chairs and waited for them to wake up. When they did they were horrified to see a masked stranger standing before them.

"We're gonna play a little game," I said in a deep and threatening voice. It was at this time they noticed the handgun I was holding in my gloved hand. "I'm going to ask you each a question. If you answer correctly you may live, but if you answer wrong I splatter your brains all over that wall."

They began weeping.

"But to make things even easier I will tell you the correct answer to the question before I ask it. Sound easy enough?"

After a spell they sheepishly nodded their heads while sniffing up snot running from their noses.

"I'm going to ask you if you believe in Jesus. If you say no I will untie you and let you live, but if you say yes I'm going to put this gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Understand? Then let's play."

I kneel down in front of my grandson.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?" I asked.

He bowed his head and cried.

"Answer me!" I shouted, while pointing the gun in his face.

"No!" he cries. "I reject Jesus!"

"Very well." I move over to my granddaughter.

"Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?"

She thinks about it for a while and then looks me in the eyes and boldly says, "Yes!"

I pretend to be taken aback and ask her why, in the face of certain death, she chooses to accept Jesus Christ as her savior, when she can just lie and say she doesn't so she can live.

"Because we learn in Mark 8:38 that Jesus is ashamed of anyone that is ashamed of him. I would rather die than have Jesus be ashamed of me!"

Her weeping comes to a crescendo as I slowly raise the gun and point it at her forehead. At this point her brother is crying and begging me not to kill his sister.

I pull the trigger and a stream of water shoots out of the gun and hits her in the face. She looks up at me, confused.

"If I were really a dangerous psychotic your brain matter would be splattered all over that wall behind you and you'd be dead right now, but you'd be in heaven with Jesus," I say to her. I turn to my grandson, "But you... even though you'd live to see another day your life would be empty and without purpose because you rejected Christ, and when you did die, likely from a drug overdose or the AIDS, you would go to Hell to endure awful punishments and torments for selfishly rejecting Christ in the face of death. You sicken me."

I then left the room, took off my burglar garb and returned to pretend that I had been knocked out by the assailant when he broke into the house. As I untied them, they told me about the horrors that they had to endure. I commended my granddaughter for standing in her faith even with the barrel of a gun pointing straight at her face and I scolded my grandson for rejecting Christ. Unless my grandson shapes up I fear he will receive the torments of Hell, for as we learn in Matthew 10:33, if you deny Jesus he will deny you to his father come your judgment. Knowing this it would be better for a Christian to be killed for accepting Jesus than to be spared for lying and saying you don't believe.

Matthew 10:33 - But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.

I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do with my grandson if he ever wants to be a Saved Christian, but I feel joy in my heart when I report that my granddaughter is clearly on her way to being a Saved young woman in the coming years.

PRAISE HIM and SHOUT GLORY!

International Halloween Candy Burning 2010

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=52190


Greetings in Jesus Holy Name!

Landover Baptist Church is pleased to announce our first annual International Halloween Candy Burning 2010. Shout GLORY!!

Brothers and sisters in Christ, it doesn't take a Bible scholar like me to see that America has turned its back on God. Everywhere we look, our society has become increasingly Godless and morally decadent. What used to be a nation founded on the commandments of God Almighty has slowly been turned over to the hands of the ultra liberals, the sodomites and the Godmockers.

Every year millions of children around America do the devil's work and go "trick-or-treating," and many of them never come home. There is no denying that Halloween is the most dangerous holiday celebrated in America. Satanists/Wiccans and child murderers use this holiday as an excuse to do their dark deeds, putting your child at risk every time they ring a doorbell and ask for a candied treat. Degenerate child-molesting homersexurals use Halloween as an excuse to dress up in women's clothing and rape your children! So what can we do as believers? Sit back and watch as the country we so love goes down the drain?

Halloween is Lucifer's birthday and candy is his currency. It is the favorite day of the year for Democrats, homersexurals, sex pedophiles and atheist-Muslims. And it is a proven fact that witches cast spells over all the Halloween candy sold in the world. To show these scum that we are serious about Salvation®, we will burn their precious Halloween candy on the night of October 31st until they cease this wicked celebration of the Devil! Please join us in Proverbs Park on Sunday, October 31st for food, fun and games that culminate in the immolation of a massive pile of confiscated Halloween candy. Hopefully the flames will reach so high they will be seen in Washington! Christians may be a persecuted minority in America but we have a voice! Stand up to wicked America and burn their idols until they beg us to stop!

Festivities include:

• 6:00pm - Anti-Halloween Parade (No costumes allowed!)
• 6:30pm - Winner of 2010 Landover Baptist Witch Hunt announced
• 7:00pm - Dunk the queer / Screening of Christian horror movie classic "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (2003)
• 7:45pm - Obama effigy burning
• 8:15pm - Bible Memorization Recital (ages 4-7)
• 9:00pm - Halloween Candy Burning

Unless Halloween is officially canceled and outlawed in the United States, Landover Baptist Church will buy up all the candy in the Central Iowa region and burn it just to show the world that we are not afraid of satan!

Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders

Originally published in Freehold Magazine, October 4th, 2010
Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders
By Wash O'Hanley



Folks, we all know a house like this: Styrofoam cemetery in the front yard, stuffed zombies littering the porch, phony spider webs in the bushes, red light bulbs illuminating the front of the house from October 1st until mid-November when they finally get around to taking all their junk down. On Halloween, when the rest of us buy a bag of Tootise-Pops on the way home from work and turn off all the lights in the hopes that no one comes to the door while you're trying to watch a rerun of Two and A Half Men, these people are dressed up in the most gruesome clown masks they could find, scaring small children that come to their front door. You may have thought you were just unlucky and ended up living next door to the one crazy Halloween nut in America, but as it turns out these people are large in numbers (and stomach girth) and have invaded every corner of our fair country. They call themselves "Yard Haunters," and while on the surface their intentions may seem to be Halloween fun, there is a more sinister motive under the mask.

For Yard Haunters, Halloween isn't just one annoying day out of the year, sandwiched between Columbus Day and Election Day; it's a year-long exercise in preparation and annoying people whose homes are adjacent to theirs. All year the Yard Haunter browses the internet, visits garage sales, and comes up with new ideas for how to spook young children that come to his or her door on October 31st expecting treats. While most parents are willing to excuse this foolishness as an attempt to make the holiday more fun and enjoyable for the children, the behavior of these Yard
Haunters is starting to raise more than a few Christian eyebrows.

The Bible is very clear in its message that we must protect our little ones, and today there is no greater threat to their well-being than sick and perverted Yard Haunters whose only reason for participating in Halloween is to use our children like blow-up sex dolls.

Matthew 18:10 - Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Provided below is evidence that I believe sufficiently proves Yard Haunters are nothing more than a gaggle of pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders posing as adjusted members of suburban America enjoying Halloween in order to defile children.



Reason #1: Like NAMBLA and Al Qaeda, Yard Haunters have a website.

The internet has, since its inception, been a veritable minefield of moral decay and perverse deviance. It's the perfect place for degenerates, criminals, and terrorists alike to meet, plot, and share information with each other. Message boards are ground zero for these people to get together, and are like the coffee houses of the internet. Every sick and twisted organization, from atheists to furries to terrorists, have message boards where they get together, bound by their common interests, and come up with new ways to undermine American values. NAMBLA uses their website to come up with new ways to molest children, while Al Qaeda uses the internet to post videos of their terrorists acts, and it should come as no surprise that Yard Haunters have their own websites to show off their rape palaces. If you thought that neighbor who turned his front lawn into a zombie invasion last year was working alone you are totally wrong; this is part of an intricate network of sex offenders and social deviants who are working together and giving one another ideas on how to more effectively lure young children into their homes. Which brings me to reason #2...

Reason #2: Yard Haunting is just an excuse to get small children into your home.

What is more inviting to a young child than the sight of a clown or friendly vampire? These figures of Halloween capture minds and widen the eyes of young children as they go from door to door in search of yummy treats. Yard Haunters know this have taken to making their yards more inviting to young ones. If you're a small child and you're trick-or-treating on a street and one of the houses has a giant and brightly-lit holiday display, which house are you going to be most excited to visit? Once the child has gazed upon all the scary decorations they are almost caught and it will take just a little trick from the Yard Haunter to get them in his home. Maybe he says he ran out of candy and tells them to follow him into the basement where he keeps his "good stuff," maybe he tells them he has an even scarier haunted house in his bedroom, whatever the case, the point of these yard haunts is to get the children to let their guard down so they are easier to rape, which brings me to reason #3...

Reason #3: All Yard Haunters are pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders.

Go to http://www.sexoffenderfinder.com/ and type in your home address, on it a list of homes owned by sex offenders will pop up, print that map out and on Halloween go around to each beacon on your map and I guarantee every home occupied by a sex offender will have a haunt in their front yard. These are people required by law to stay at a certain distance from children on the other 364 days out of the year, but on Halloween, because they took the time to carve a pumpkin and put a phony stuffed witch on their porch it's suddenly ok for them to be handing out candy to your children? What kind of messed up world do we live in? In many cases these people wear Halloween masks to hide their identities and loose-fitting cloaks to conceal their erections and nakedness. By jumping out at your kids while shrieking like a banshee and causing them to scream they gain sexual gratification. Once your family leaves they go back into the bushes and wait for more kids, but what are they doing in those bushes to themselves as they wait? If a yard haunt has been erected at a home not on your sex offender registry it is entirely possible a sex offender is squatting in an abandoned home and has set up some sort of sex dungeon-- alert your authorities. Which brings us to reason #4...

Reason #4: Yard Haunts are a Yard Haunter's vision of what the real world is like.

As outlined in the previous reasons these Yard Haunters are nothing more than a group of social outcasts and sex offenders, cast aside by society and left to live a life in the shadows. Due to watching hours of child porn, horror movies, and internet snuff films, these people have created a sick fantasy world in their heads that manifests itself on Halloween when such sick behavior is looked at as normal. Due to years of watching videos of people being beheaded by terrorists, these people see decapitated and tortured bodies when they close their eyes, they see zombies rising from the grave to feast upon the living in their dreams, and they wish that they lived on a farm in the middle of Texas so teenagers that ran out of gas will be marooned on their property to be slaughtered in a horrific manner. On Halloween these fantasies take shape as they construct their vile dreams into a reality. To many parents it looks like Halloween fun, but in reality it is the work of mentally-ill people that can no longer tell the difference between the fright films they love and reality. Why would you want people like this around your children?



Now that you know a little about Yard Haunters, let's take a look at the kinds of things they are into. If someone you know matches any of the descriptions below they may be a sex offender looking to score some adolescent tail on Halloween and should be turned in immediately:

- Enjoys Halloween.
- Watches horror movies.
- Plans on dressing up as something on Halloween.
- Sets up a display for trick-or-treaters in their front yard.
- Has Liberal political signs in their front yard.
- Is not a member of a Bible-believing Baptist Church.

What should you do if you come upon a yard haunt?

Don't panic: these people are powerless against anyone who doesn't go into their yard and will not chase you for fear that their sex slaves will escape while they are gone.

Alert Others: Tell anyone you see to avoid that house. If that means physically standing at the foot of their driveway and turning people away, so be it.

Tear Down What You Can: Many of their props are light-weight, so when they aren't looking try to knock over, unplug, or destroy as much of their haunt as possible so that more children cannot be hurt.

Call the Cops: The cops will surely make quick work of this low life and his stupid Halloween set up. You may even get a reward for turning him in.

Now that you know what a Yard Haunter is, how to recognize one, and what their perverted intentions are, use this information to make a positive impact in your community! For too long social outcasts and sex pedophiles have gotten away with luring our children into their twisted ideas of what the real world is at our blessing because "it's all just Halloween fun." No more! The next time you drive past a home that has an elaborate phony cemetery, don't think it's just a harmless way to make kids laugh, because the reality is that what you're looking at is one of the most intricate attempts for a pedophile to get their penis into your son or daughter's virgin rectum in the history of mankind!

Wash O'Hanley is Southeastern Iowa's #3 voice in political punditry, hosting his own daily radio program The Wash O'Hanley Show, is a featured writer on several religious and political blogs, and is the author of How Minorities, Liberals, and Homosexuals Want to Murder You and Rape Your Children, Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions, Mindrape, and I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.

Gay Man Makes Positive Choice: Kills Self

In what is being called by many Christians around America as the first example of a homosexual making a good decision, a young man from New Jersey jumped off a bridge to his death last week after video of him being gay was released on the internet.

Reporting from Hackensack, N.J. —
The New Jersey attorney general's office is reviewing the case of a Rutgers University freshman who jumped from the George Washington Bridge last week after images of him having sex with another man were broadcast on the Internet, and will decide whether to prosecute the incident as a bias crime, a spokesman said Thursday. (More)

 I think it goes without saying that it is news like this that every True Christian™ around America wants to wake up and read every day. As we learn in Leviticus 20:13: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. What does this young man's suicide mean? It means that at least some homosexuals are finally taking responsibility for their actions and punishing themselves in a manner that is fitting to God.

Although in his short-sightedness the young man decided to take his own life, a horrific sin almost as bad as homosexuality, rather than choosing the more positive route of letting his school friends stone him to death, but given the circumstances I think we (all Christians around the world) can agree this young man made the right choice.

James O'Keefe's Latest Prank: Dull, Unimaginitive and Outlandish

It looks like Right-Wing entertainer and performance artist James O'Keefe is in the news again for trying to pull another prank that has gone horribly wrong:

James O'Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting, hoped to get CNN Investigative Correspondent Abbie Boudreau onto a boat filled with sexually explicit props and then record the session, those documents show.

The plan apparently was thwarted after Boudreau was warned minutes before it was supposed to happen.

"I never intended to become part of the story," Boudreau said. "But things suddenly took a very strange turn."

O'Keefe is best known for making a series of undercover videos inside ACORN offices around the country in 2009. The 40-year-old liberal group was crippled by scandal after O'Keefe and fellow activist Hannah Giles allegedly solicited advice from ACORN workers on setting up a brothel and evading taxes.

The videos led to some of the employees being fired and contributed to the disbanding of ACORN, which advocated for low- and middle-income and worked to register voters. (More) 

I think for O'Keefe's next media fiasco he should build a time machine, go back to 2009 and stay there forever since he's never going to reproduce the magic he created with his ACORN video.

He captured America's imagination with the twist ending at the end of his first effort: *SPOILER* The twist was that absolutely none of it was real. But since then his pranks have just been a series of failed attempts that has only proven that he is a one-trick pony. The sad thing is people are going to go see his videos just because his name is attached and financiers are going to keep giving him money for new stunts because he is profitable. I haven't seen this most recent attempt, nor do I plan on it; all early reviews indicate it's just going to be another tired story with dopey dialogue, an outlandish premise, a love story that would never work in the real world and then the same twist ending as all the rest of his work. I also heard that after he was done filming everything he decided to make it 3-D and as a result it looks really bad. Until O'Keefe learns that as an artist you need to evolve and grow and stop releasing the same thing that made you famous a few years ago, Americans are going to increasingly dislike the work he makes.

My Thoughts on the Christine O'Donnell Videos

Christine O'Donnell, a virtual unknown until only a few days ago, recently blew onto the scene like a premature ejaculation in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta on prom night '87. Liberal smear-artist Rachel Maddow showed a video of a twenty-something year old O'Donnell trying to promote teen purity on her daily broadcast and since then the young GOP challenger from Delaware has become an overnight Youtube phenomenon.

Folks, we've all seen the videos... multiple times. We have every line of corny scripted dialogue, every bad early 90s hairdo, and every unflattering camera angle ingrained in our subconscious where it will sit in our Rolodex of things that we will never unsee. For those reasons there's no point in posting the videos yet again.

The left has been having a field day with these videos and frankly I feel sorry for the girl. Obviously these tapes were a mistake. She was fresh out of college, couldn't find a job, had student loans to pay off and saw a way to make some quick money. Maybe she met a guy at the Dennys while she was waiting tables, maybe he told her he had an acting gig for her and maybe she saw it as a quick way to earn a couple of bucks-- how she got in this situation doesn't matter. Obviously she was taken advantage of, obviously things got out of hand and obviously she was made to do things no woman should ever have to do on camera.

What was supposed to be a short student film about a single mother working two jobs to find a better life for her autistic albino son quickly turned into a sleazy attempt to get this young lady to do degrading things on film.

It's a sad reality that young and desperate women that are down on their luck and out of money are being disgraced and taken advantage of by the absolute lowest form of human scum on this planet: Moral Activists. They get you in that room with the phony potted plant, sit you down on that filthy stained couch, shine a light in your face and instruct you to read horribly-written pieces of dialogue like "if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself... then why am I in the picture?" I mean the idea of a woman trying to single-handedly stop fourteen-year-old boys from using their penises like the fire hoses those cops used to shoot black people with during the Civil Rights movement is more far-fetched than three sorority sisters having a 4-way with a pizza delivery guy because they can't pay for their pizza. Really, you don't have $10 between the three of you?

Based on the poor production quality, the awful haircuts, the cheesy music, the unbelievable premise and the cringe-worthy dialogue I think it's obvious this video was meant only to be seen by a very small cross section of America's most vile and detestable citizens. Limited to small book and video shops next to liquor stores in strip malls located in the bad part of town where men hiding inside trench coats and sunglasses look both ways to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside to quench their despicable habits, it's apparent this video was never meant to be seen by normal, well-adjusted and functioning members of society.

When she was talked into performing in this tape Christine had no idea that one day a series of tubes would bring the world instantly to our fingertips and any motion picture caught on video or film would gain a world audience. When Christine regrettably decided to participate in this degrading video there was no way of knowing one day her parents, her friends, and the entire world would see it and feel ashamed for her.

We all make mistakes, maybe we don't go on Politically Incorrect and say that it was wrong for people to lie to Nazis about hiding Jews in their homes, but we all have lapses in judgment that we hope no one else sees. How would you feel if your lowest moment was caught on tape and played on every major news show in America? These videos were obviously never supposed to be seen by people like us and I want to personally reprimand the disgusting, vile, maladjusted, bottom-feeding scumbags that lure down-on-their-luck girls to say and do deplorable things on camera for the titillation of only a few fat, ugly, girlfriendless, perverted, mentally-ill Values Voters.

Shame on you!

While I like to believe O'Donnell has learned her lesson and will never appear in an embarrassing video again, the revelations that she has been living off campaign donations and has racked up thousands in debt by not paying her staff lead me to believe that if things don't rapidly get better for the spunky young Senatorial candidate from Delaware we may see another shameful video of her on the internet spearheading a campaign to make it illegal to have sex with the lights on.

Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of

As election season nears the races for many Congressional and Senatorial seats are heating up. As September turns into October the debates will become more frequent, town hall meetings will spring up, and rally stages will be set in town squares all over America. Many of the candidates are relative unknowns while others are career politicians looking for another term. With so many people all running how can you possibly keep track of them all? Even if these people don't represent your district it's important to keep up-to-date on all of these elections, for who knows, perhaps the next President is currently running for a Congressional seat in Nebraska or Indiana. Today The Wash O'Hanley Show has gathered some of the most intriguing challengers and incumbents running for Congressional seats all over America and profiled them for you in a new segment I like to call "Congressional Candidates You Have Not Heard Of."

Vern Ehlers - Republican - Michigan 3rd - Incumbent

About Him: A grizzled Vietnam Vet, Ehlers is known for once taking out an entire Platoon of VC with just a hunting knife and a sock puppet. Plagued with PTSD upon his return to an America that didn't want him, he lived in a hollowed-out tree trunk for three years while surviving off the land. Took office after his predecessor was found with his throat slashed.

Interesting Fact: If re-elected, Vern promises to fight cancer to the death in a back-alley knife fight.

Why is He Running: Isn't sure anymore, the fog of war has clouded his memory.

What He's Accomplished: Despite all the physical abuse, his district continues to vote for him because "deep down he didn't mean to hurt us and is sorry." When neighboring districts ask about the bruises, the 3rd just says it walked into a wall on accident.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to hunt down and slaughter anyone that doesn't vote for him with a crossbow.

Worst Gaffe: Called an airstrike on a town hall meeting he was holding.

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Bruce Braley - Democrat - Iowa 1st - Incumbent

About Him: Braley is an old-time Democrat in the tradition of Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden, he grew up on a corn farm in Central Iowa and learned the value of a dollar while whoring himself on the streets of Kansas City as a teenager.

Interesting Fact: Due to contractual obligations, Braley must mention Best Foods™ Mayonnaise at least once in every speech or public appearance.

Why is He Running: For the ladies.

What He's Accomplished: Got Congress to recognize the sanctity of a robot-caribou relationship.

Why You Should Vote For Him: It's nice to see him out doing things.

Worst Gaffe: Calls his decision to direct the film "Smokey and the Bandit 3" his greatest moral shortcoming.

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Jake Towne - Democrat - Pennsylvania 15th - Challenger

About Him: Kicked out of every college his dad could get him into in the tri-state area, Jake has set his eyes on the biggest frat house of them all: Congress.

Interesting Fact: Once woke up in a dumpster behind the Pizza Hut with the shredded carcass of a raccoon that he'd apparently consumed the previous night and all of his teeth were missing.

Why is He Running: Filled out the wrong form while registering to be a sex offender.

What He's Accomplished: In high school he had the foresight to put that Hustler Magazine Bobby Hillinger found  that they hid in the ditch behind the wall by the storm drain in a plastic bag so it wouldn't get wet when it rained.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Promises to "sock it to those ****ing Fascists in Washington and stuff."

Worst Gaffe: Released several hungry wolverines into the audience of a debate to prove a point about out of control spending.

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Ann Marie Buerkle - Republican - New York 25th - Challenger

About Her: Buerkle is a banshee who was freed from cursed bondage in an area cemetery by a group of high school teens 400 years to the day after she was burned at the stake for being a witch.

Interesting Fact: Has a very strong stance on abstinence-only eduction, in that she kills teenagers that are in the midst of sexual intercourse.

Why is She Running: To break the final curse of bondage on the tomb of Ryl'them, as foretold in the Book of the Spirits, which will flood the realm of the living with the spirits of the restless dead who will devour all of mankind in unspeakable darkness and evil.

What She's Accomplished: After getting her M.B.A. from SUNY Purchase, she turned a start-up Consulting Firm into the fourth-largest of its kind in New York State in only five years.

Why You Should Vote For Her: You shouldn't vote for her for any reason at all, but come election day she will appear to you in the voting booth in the form of a beautiful young girl and seduce you, causing you to vote for her. She will then turn back into her hideous banshee form and consume your soul.

Worst Gaffe: Accidentally said "Screw the Troops" at a rally on September 11th.

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Nick Coons - Libertarian - Arizona 5th - Challenger

About Him: A regular at city council meetings for over 25 years, Nick Coons finally decided to run for Congress. Coons promises to cut down on wasteful government spending across the board; getting rid of social programs such as schools, police officers and fire fighters. Believes that all of the government's problems can be solved by "putting them in a trailer."

Interesting Fact: Lives in a 1967 Dodge Coronet and keeps all of his possessions in a stolen U-Haul trailer, which is where he gets his campaign slogan, "Put it in a Trailer."

Why is He Running: Has a plan, as detailed on the napkins in his coat pocket, to eventually move all the branches of the U.S. Government into a tractor trailer, which will save tax-payers billions of dollars a year. Coon also has his eye on the Presidency-- in that he wants to privatize the position, saving tax payers about a couple million dollars a year.

What He's Accomplished: Made it illegal to drop stink bombs into overnight parked cars at the Rite-Aid.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Is the only candidate on the ballot who has had a close encounter with the third kind.

Worst Gaffe: Made an unexpectedly reasonable and lucid comment about the state of the Scottsdale-area public school system that confused many undecided voters.

Reflections on 9/11

Well I'm certainly glad 9/11 is over and I can continue talking regularly now. I'm happy to report that in recognition of those who lost their lives in the Twin Towers on that fateful day and all of our men and women who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, I managed to make it for a full 24 hours only saying the word "9/11." In a small way this radio broadcaster was able to understand the loss and hardship that those brave people suffered as a result of terrorism as I attempted to order a KFC Double Down only using the word "9/11" in a drive through. After nearly half an hour the line of cars behind me was wrapping around the fast food franchise and the manager had to come outside so I could point at the picture menu and show him what I wanted. Never forget.

MILITARY PERSONNEL: THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR!

My decision to only say "9/11" yesterday hit another rough patch as I witnessed a horrific traffic accident while enjoying my KFC Double Down in the car. I called 9-1-1 but had trouble directing rescue officials to the scene of the accident only using the words "nine" and "eleven," but am happy to report that even in the heat of that terrible moment I never slipped up.

9/11

9/11 ,

9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11: 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.

9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11. 9/11, 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.

9/11 9/11,
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Wash O'Hanley on Terry Jones and Quran Burning

It looks like this Mr. Terry Jones has gone from canceling his Quran burning after speaking with a local Imam to "putting it on hold" after finding out the New York City Islamic Center wouldn't be moved:

Jones, leader of the Gainesville, Florida-based Dove World Outreach Center, announced he will travel Saturday to New York to meet with the religious leader behind the planned center, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, about a new location.

But that, too, was questioned.

Rauf and Imam Muhammad Musri, a Florida Muslim leader who appeared with Jones, said later no agreement on a meeting or relocation of the mosque had been reached.

Jones insisted the church "put a temporary hold" on the Quran burning event after he had been told by Musri of a deal to move the New York mosque.

"I am actually very disappointed and very shocked because if this turns out to be true, he [Musri] clearly, clearly lied to us," Jones said Thursday evening. (More)

At this point I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm getting tired of all this back and forth from Jones. One day he wants to burn the Quran, the next he doesn't, then he isn't sure. Make up your mind! We all know Terry Jones used to be the best Quran-burning Pastor in America... back in like 1996. But it's 2010 right now and Jones, while still burning Qurans at a high level well past his prime, is just a shell of his former greatness. The guy holds all the records and I think it's safe to say that unless a young prodigy comes out of nowhere those records are safe. At this point I feel like Jones is just burning Qurans for the publicity, the money, and to keep racking up stats and records.

No one is denying he had a good 2007, and his 2009 was unreal for someone his age, but to come back to Quran burning on such short notice after nearly 6 months rehabbing the tennis elbow he developed from throwing so many Qurans on a pyre in January is going to come back and haunt him. Folks, Terry Jones just isn't at 100% and I feel like he's going to hold his entire congregation back by making another unnecessary comeback. The Dove World Outreach Church has a lot on their plate, and I just feel like while Terry Jones is the most important pastor in their history, there are young up and coming pastors riding the bench right now that need to get some time behind the pulpit if they are going to develop and help this church in the future.

It's time for Terry Jones to step away from Quran burning, as hard as that may be for him. He has dedicated his entire life to burning Islamic holy texts and has accomplished more than any other Islamophobe will ever achieve. To put it simply: he needs to step away with dignity before it's too late. It would honestly be a shame if he sat around these next few days wasting his church's time as they try to move on, only to decide at the last second that he wants one last shot at glory a couple of hours before the first book gets set ablaze. Even if he does come back he's going to be rusty and I don't think the fans who have spent the last 18-20 years following his career want to watch him attempt to throw a book on the fire only to have it get intercepted by a New Orleans Saints defensive back while three of their D-linemen crush him and break his legs.