"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wash O'Hanley's final thoughts (on the eve of the apocalypse)

Brothers and sisters, enemies and friends,

As I sit here at my computer typing my final thoughts on the eve of the end of the world, many thoughts have poured through this old and alcohol-damaged mind of mine. According to Harold Camping, end-times-prophet-performance-artist-slash-ancient-mongoloid, great earthquakes will rage across the earth destroying it hemisphere-by-hemisphere and timezone-by-timezone. While most of us won't be around to witness this unspeakable horror as we are engulfed into the fiery bowels of the earth, I still feel bad seeing the earth go out in a more unflattering way than Arnold Schwarzenegger's career. It's no secret I love the Earth, the fact is I've lived here my whole life, and as I spend my last day on her surface I can't help but think about all things I never got to do with her during our time together during my long and illustrious life.

- A sunrise over the Grand Canyon. What majesty that must be, to watch in awe as the sun rises over the beauty that is the Grand Canyon.

- Witness the birth of my son. This one has always stung a little bit. But it was the week of the Iowa Straw Poll Caucus and you know... work.

- Go to Hawaii and learn how to surf. I always wanted to do this. Perhaps it was from growing up in a landlocked state but I always had a fascination with surfing. Something about conquering mother nature, but also showing respect for her great power. Watching those guys surfing in the movies and on tv was like watching an artist, only the board was their paintbrush. It's disappointing that I'll never get to know what that rush is like. Oh well.

- Travel outside the U.S. It isn't like you couldn't. Don't give me that "my job is my life" B.S. The Wash O'Hanley Show barely constituted journalism. Hell, it hardly constituted a show! We both know it's only reason for existence was to sell post-apocalyptic freeze-dried food (which is POISON, don't eat it, for the love of God!) and gold buying services to medicated elderly racists. Heck, half the time you threw a re-run on and those vegetables didn't even realize. One time this old faggot honestly told me my week of shows were the most relevant and insightful he'd ever heard-- WE PLAYED RE-RUNS FROM THE GULF WAR SO I COULD GO TO ARUBA THAT WEEK. It was 2008. God damn!

- Do something more useful than The Wash O'Hanley Show. I had a pulpit, a listening base and a message and all I did for three hours a week for 34 weeks out of the year was complain about black people and teenagers. I could have really been the catalyst for social change in this country. Instead I'd just get hopped up on vicodin, get wrecked on Sailor Jerry and complain about what was on the front page of the newspaper. No wonder I'm a laughing stock in the broadcast community. my autobiography was a joke-- most of it was just stories I made up and the last 120 pages was just the screenplay version of the book.

- Witness the birth of my second son. What can I say? I just dropped the ball on this one. I think there was a shrimp fest at Red Lobster... or some other kind of fest going on. Or I just plum forgot about it. Oh well.

- Finish watching those According to Jim DVDs you borrowed from Craig last year and never gave back. I don't know, I got like 3/4ths of the way through the show and then kind of gave up on it. It's like, they were sitting there on the DVD player but I could never work up the enthusiasm to ever just put them in and watch them. I'm such a lazy worthless ass. It was tv. All you do is sit there and point your face in the direction of the box and keep your eyes open. Jesus.

- Use that gift certificate for a month of spin classes at the local gym. I don't know why I never used this thing. It was sitting here next to the computer for like 6 months. I knew I needed to get into better shape. Hell, I even bought a pair of running shorts and shoes not too long ago to facilitate working out. I don't know why I could never get up the nerve to do it. Jesus Christ, it isn't like you didn't have the time, you fat asshole. What? Too busy to stay in shape. You're fucking disgusting. IT WAS FREE. IT WAS FREE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. SOMEBODY PAID FOR THAT, AND GAVE IT TO YOU AS A GIFT, AND YOU STILL COULDN'T USE IT. YOU HAD TIME TO GET THREE-FOURTHS OF THE WAY THROUGH THOSE ACCORDING TO JIM DVDS BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE GYM. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

- Run for political office. It's no secret I've always toyed with the idea of running for public office. We're not talking about Governor or President here, but Comptroller, Treasurer-- nothing wrong with those. I feel like I have a lot to offer and I want to give back to the community that has given me so much in return. It's not like I need the money. I have more than enough saved up from the show. I can walk away at any time if I wanted to. THEN WHAT IS IT? WHY COULDN'T YOU DO IT? I guess it just goes back to getting the motivation to go down there and get the forms and go through all the stuff that it takes to run for one of those seats. AND THE DEAD TRANNY HOOKER? What? THE DEAD TRANNY HOOKER. I... I don't know what you're talking about. YES YOU DO! DON'T YOU LIE. Look, I don't know how she got there. YES YOU DO. I just went to sleep and when I woke up... there was blood everywhere. YOU DID THAT. No I didn't! YES YOU DID. YOU TOOK A LIFE... A HUMAN LIFE. Don't say that. No! I didn't do that to him. YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'LL FIND OUT. Of course I am! THERE'S BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS, O'HANLEY, AND I HAVE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT. You wouldn't! YOU'LL NEVER GET ELECTED IN THIS TOWN, WASH, OR ANY TOWN. WASH O'HANLEY THE TRANNY STRANGLER, CHOKED A SHEMALE WITH A COAT HANGER. No! No! Stop it! I cannot take any more, grim voice inside my head!

- Go to that Thai-fusion restaurant in the mall. It was there for years and I always wanted to go in, but I don't know. It was sort of intimidating, you know? What was I going to order? I've never had Thai food so I felt like I needed someone that knew what they were doing to go with me and order, but I didn't know anyone. And it wasn't like I didn't go in the mall often-- the kid at the cell phone case cart got a restraining order against me because I spent so much time there. (He looked inquisitive and I figured he'd be an inexpensive alternative to a real psychiatrist with an M.D.) I mean, it was always there and I never went in. I always liked to blame my not eating there on my social anxiety disorder but we both know that's a lie. MEN DON'T GET SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. STOP BEING A PUSSY AND JUST GO IN THE RESTAURANT YOU DICK. THEY WANT YOUR BUSINESS. THEY DON'T CARE IF YOU GET A SPONTANEOUS ERECTIONS WHEN YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE. IT'S NORMAL. IT'S NORMAL YOU PUSSY. STOP CRYING. STOP CRYING YOU LITTLE GIRL. YOU LITTLE FUCKING CHILD. STOP CRYING.

So in the waning moments of our mortal existence on this rock spinning around the sun I a feel a bitter sweetness as look forward with great joy on the life I'm embarking on, yet look back on all I never experienced in this life of mine. As we spend our final hours with our friends and family I implore all of you to take a moment and perhaps come up with a list similar to mine to share with each other. Don't be afraid to spill your inner-most secrets, for it's not like anyone is going to be able to read this tomorrow.

-Yours in him,
Wash O'Hanley the Tranny Strangler
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

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