Originally published in Freehold Magazine, October 4th, 2010
Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders
By Wash O'Hanley
Folks, we all know a house like this: Styrofoam cemetery in the front yard, stuffed zombies littering the porch, phony spider webs in the bushes, red light bulbs illuminating the front of the house from October 1st until mid-November when they finally get around to taking all their junk down. On Halloween, when the rest of us buy a bag of Tootise-Pops on the way home from work and turn off all the lights in the hopes that no one comes to the door while you're trying to watch a rerun of Two and A Half Men, these people are dressed up in the most gruesome clown masks they could find, scaring small children that come to their front door. You may have thought you were just unlucky and ended up living next door to the one crazy Halloween nut in America, but as it turns out these people are large in numbers (and stomach girth) and have invaded every corner of our fair country. They call themselves "Yard Haunters," and while on the surface their intentions may seem to be Halloween fun, there is a more sinister motive under the mask.
For Yard Haunters, Halloween isn't just one annoying day out of the year, sandwiched between Columbus Day and Election Day; it's a year-long exercise in preparation and annoying people whose homes are adjacent to theirs. All year the Yard Haunter browses the internet, visits garage sales, and comes up with new ideas for how to spook young children that come to his or her door on October 31st expecting treats. While most parents are willing to excuse this foolishness as an attempt to make the holiday more fun and enjoyable for the children, the behavior of these Yard
Haunters is starting to raise more than a few Christian eyebrows.
The Bible is very clear in its message that we must protect our little ones, and today there is no greater threat to their well-being than sick and perverted Yard Haunters whose only reason for participating in Halloween is to use our children like blow-up sex dolls.
Provided below is evidence that I believe sufficiently proves Yard Haunters are nothing more than a gaggle of pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders posing as adjusted members of suburban America enjoying Halloween in order to defile children.
Reason #1: Like NAMBLA and Al Qaeda, Yard Haunters have a website.
The internet has, since its inception, been a veritable minefield of moral decay and perverse deviance. It's the perfect place for degenerates, criminals, and terrorists alike to meet, plot, and share information with each other. Message boards are ground zero for these people to get together, and are like the coffee houses of the internet. Every sick and twisted organization, from atheists to furries to terrorists, have message boards where they get together, bound by their common interests, and come up with new ways to undermine American values. NAMBLA uses their website to come up with new ways to molest children, while Al Qaeda uses the internet to post videos of their terrorists acts, and it should come as no surprise that Yard Haunters have their own websites to show off their rape palaces. If you thought that neighbor who turned his front lawn into a zombie invasion last year was working alone you are totally wrong; this is part of an intricate network of sex offenders and social deviants who are working together and giving one another ideas on how to more effectively lure young children into their homes. Which brings me to reason #2...
Reason #2: Yard Haunting is just an excuse to get small children into your home.
What is more inviting to a young child than the sight of a clown or friendly vampire? These figures of Halloween capture minds and widen the eyes of young children as they go from door to door in search of yummy treats. Yard Haunters know this have taken to making their yards more inviting to young ones. If you're a small child and you're trick-or-treating on a street and one of the houses has a giant and brightly-lit holiday display, which house are you going to be most excited to visit? Once the child has gazed upon all the scary decorations they are almost caught and it will take just a little trick from the Yard Haunter to get them in his home. Maybe he says he ran out of candy and tells them to follow him into the basement where he keeps his "good stuff," maybe he tells them he has an even scarier haunted house in his bedroom, whatever the case, the point of these yard haunts is to get the children to let their guard down so they are easier to rape, which brings me to reason #3...
Reason #3: All Yard Haunters are pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders.
Go to http://www.sexoffenderfinder.com/ and type in your home address, on it a list of homes owned by sex offenders will pop up, print that map out and on Halloween go around to each beacon on your map and I guarantee every home occupied by a sex offender will have a haunt in their front yard. These are people required by law to stay at a certain distance from children on the other 364 days out of the year, but on Halloween, because they took the time to carve a pumpkin and put a phony stuffed witch on their porch it's suddenly ok for them to be handing out candy to your children? What kind of messed up world do we live in? In many cases these people wear Halloween masks to hide their identities and loose-fitting cloaks to conceal their erections and nakedness. By jumping out at your kids while shrieking like a banshee and causing them to scream they gain sexual gratification. Once your family leaves they go back into the bushes and wait for more kids, but what are they doing in those bushes to themselves as they wait? If a yard haunt has been erected at a home not on your sex offender registry it is entirely possible a sex offender is squatting in an abandoned home and has set up some sort of sex dungeon-- alert your authorities. Which brings us to reason #4...
Reason #4: Yard Haunts are a Yard Haunter's vision of what the real world is like.
As outlined in the previous reasons these Yard Haunters are nothing more than a group of social outcasts and sex offenders, cast aside by society and left to live a life in the shadows. Due to watching hours of child porn, horror movies, and internet snuff films, these people have created a sick fantasy world in their heads that manifests itself on Halloween when such sick behavior is looked at as normal. Due to years of watching videos of people being beheaded by terrorists, these people see decapitated and tortured bodies when they close their eyes, they see zombies rising from the grave to feast upon the living in their dreams, and they wish that they lived on a farm in the middle of Texas so teenagers that ran out of gas will be marooned on their property to be slaughtered in a horrific manner. On Halloween these fantasies take shape as they construct their vile dreams into a reality. To many parents it looks like Halloween fun, but in reality it is the work of mentally-ill people that can no longer tell the difference between the fright films they love and reality. Why would you want people like this around your children?
Now that you know a little about Yard Haunters, let's take a look at the kinds of things they are into. If someone you know matches any of the descriptions below they may be a sex offender looking to score some adolescent tail on Halloween and should be turned in immediately:
- Enjoys Halloween.
- Watches horror movies.
- Plans on dressing up as something on Halloween.
- Sets up a display for trick-or-treaters in their front yard.
- Has Liberal political signs in their front yard.
- Is not a member of a Bible-believing Baptist Church.
What should you do if you come upon a yard haunt?
Don't panic: these people are powerless against anyone who doesn't go into their yard and will not chase you for fear that their sex slaves will escape while they are gone.
Alert Others: Tell anyone you see to avoid that house. If that means physically standing at the foot of their driveway and turning people away, so be it.
Tear Down What You Can: Many of their props are light-weight, so when they aren't looking try to knock over, unplug, or destroy as much of their haunt as possible so that more children cannot be hurt.
Call the Cops: The cops will surely make quick work of this low life and his stupid Halloween set up. You may even get a reward for turning him in.
Now that you know what a Yard Haunter is, how to recognize one, and what their perverted intentions are, use this information to make a positive impact in your community! For too long social outcasts and sex pedophiles have gotten away with luring our children into their twisted ideas of what the real world is at our blessing because "it's all just Halloween fun." No more! The next time you drive past a home that has an elaborate phony cemetery, don't think it's just a harmless way to make kids laugh, because the reality is that what you're looking at is one of the most intricate attempts for a pedophile to get their penis into your son or daughter's virgin rectum in the history of mankind!
Wash O'Hanley is Southeastern Iowa's #3 voice in political punditry, hosting his own daily radio program The Wash O'Hanley Show, is a featured writer on several religious and political blogs, and is the author of How Minorities, Liberals, and Homosexuals Want to Murder You and Rape Your Children, Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions, Mindrape, and I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.