Patriotic Conservative call to action: Help bankrupt America!
Written by Wash O'Hanley, The Health Care Lobby and the GOP
Folks, whether you want it or not, socialized health care and all of the horrors that go along with providing health insurance to everyone in America is coming and there is nothing we can do to stop it. A majority of the American people support it and with a Democrat majority in the senate there is little in the way of stopping it. Before you know it our Christian nation will be no different than vile and crime-ridden atheistic nations like Sweden and Denmark. Fighting this legislation has been fruitless and has only served to make the GOP look more bitter, more angry, and more out of touch with what the American people truly want and need. It is time that we accept our fate and regroup, we must face the fact that socialized health care is on the horizon for us and come up with a new way of facing the challenges that lay ahead of us. The time for socialized medicine has come and there is little we can do to stop it. I know that we as Conservatives prefer to see America through eyes that harken back to an era when things were more wholesome: people didn't have sex outside of marriage, there was no such thing as abortion, and it was still socially acceptable to call black people "negros." Unfortunately the opinions of the American people change and we need to realize that, the playing field has changed and whether you like it or not America is evolving.
Soon socialized medicine will be a part of all of our lives, fighting it is pointless now. As Conservatives we need to realize that we're in the 4th quarter, down by 37 points with 9 minutes left and the coach has sent in the back ups since there is no point in playing, and potentially injuring, our starters. As a back up do you try to win? No! You try and break the opposing running back's finger when you're in a dog pile. You "accidentally" poke a guy in the eye really hard with your finger nail while you're trying to make a tackle. You step on a dude's exposed leg skin with your cleats as you run by him while he's on the ground. The time for civility has passed. We've been thoroughly outplayed and now is the time for plan B: act like poor sports. As Conservative Patriotic Americans it is our duty and only choice to ruin this for everybody. Socialized health care will come into effect within the coming years, and it is up to us to make sure that people don't get to enjoy it for very long.
A Conservative Patriotic American Guide To Ruining Socialized Health Care For People That Genuinely Need It
The only way we're ever going to beat this menace is to use and over use it until we have exhausted it of all its resources and made it economically impossible to continue. I came up with this idea when reading about North Korea attempting cyber terrorism by flooding American and Israeli websites with hits in order to overload the servers with information, causing the website to temporarily go down. If we apply this logic to universal health care it becomes obvious that one could cause it to "crash" if enough people flooded the doctors offices and hospitals in need of free care, eventually socialized health care would go bankrupt. But the claims that people make would have to be real, because if people repeatedly went into a hospital or doctors office with phony problems eventually they would catch on and figure out ways to prevent people who aren't actually sick or hurt from using these free services. That is why I am calling on all Conservative Patriotic American Heroes to begin living a degenerate, dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle so that you will legitimately require medical attention frequently. Below are several sections that will help you in your new lifestyle choice!
Section 1: Dieting
Are you tired of being told by your physician that you need to have a better diet? Sick of eating bland and disgusting food just to lose a few pounds? Great news, it's actually easier to gain weight, and a lot tastier as well. People who are overweight have increased health problems ranging from heart conditions and susceptibility to a variety of diseases. While food that is made to aid you in losing weight is gross, food that helps you gain weight is delicious, addictive, and fun to eat, and thanks to new developments in mayonnaise technology it has never tasted better! But where does one begin? The question can be daunting, how can you make sure you're getting the most out of every calorie? Below are a few simple suggestions for gaining weight, and I think you'll find that bankrupting socialized medicine has never tasted better!
Here are just a few common foods that people eat teamed with a Conservative Patriotic American substitution alternative suggestion:
Instead of eating a salad, why not try a pile of pastrami instead? Pastrami is a among the tastiest of the deli meats and is also one of the fattiest. In fact, when in doubt, it's always a good bet to add a little pastrami to any meal. Here are a few creative examples of how a Conservative Patriotic American could add some pastrami to a meal. You're eating a bowl of New England Clam Chowder, throw a handful of pastrami in that bowl! Eating a PowerBar for an afternoon snack, wrap some pastrami around that bar for an extra boost! Making a bowl of Jello to enjoy after dinner, throw a bunch of pastrami in there and let it sit-- in 6-8 hours you'll have a delicious Jello and pastrami casserole.
Instead of eating that bag of Cheez-Its or Goldfish, why not snack on a 5 lbs. bag of salt? Sure salt tastes tastes awful and is difficult to eat, to combat this, try turning your marathon salt-eating into a game. First you see how much salt you can eat in a minute, then repeatedly try to break that record until you don't have anymore salt left.
Instead of drinking that bottle of juice or water, have a cool glass of olive oil instead. Olive oil is delicious-- that's why the Eye-talians put it on everything. Olive oil is like liquid pastrami, so feel free to put it on just about anything.
Desert: It's not just for after dinner anymore. Desert has always gotten sort of a bad rap. As a kid if you misbehaved you were sent to bed without desert, and as an adult you've had to skip desert because it goes straight to your thighs, but now that you're a Conservative Patriotic American it is your duty to eat desert after every meal. Don't consider any meal complete until you've had a tub of ice cream or entire birthday cake (editor's note: eating a birthday cake every day essentially makes every day your birthday!). Did your kids misbehave today? Make them skip dinner and eat two deserts instead!
Section 2: Living Life on the Edge
Your entire life you've been cautious; always driving at or below the speed limit, never taking unnecessary risks, always asking for a thorough health background check of anyone you sleep with, and never taking part in potentially dangerous sporting events. This was all well and good when everyone in America was paying for their health insurance, but in this America we're calling on every Conservative Patriotic American to take some unnecessary risks for the sake of the GOP and for the nation. Below are a few ways that you can more adequately live your life on the edge.
Drug Abuse: Not just for whinos anymore.
There has never been a better time to give in to peer pressure and finally start using drugs. Drug abuse is everything the rock stars and cool kids have billed it to be, and you'd have to be foolish not to start now. If you enjoy seeing new colors then don't miss out on the wonders of drug abuse! Not sure which drug to try? Try them all, they're all pretty much the same thing.
Michael Steele sez: "If you don't know where to find drugs just go to wherever black people congregate. Black people usually have drugs, so just find black people. Any black person will do. Don't be discouraged if they have a suit on or look affluent, even if they don't have drugs they probably have a cousin or brother-in-law who does."
Picking a drug is the same as picking a car or brand of American beer to drink. Do you consider yourself a high-powered Wall Street-type, if so cocaine may be for you. Do you aspire to be like the negros from the hit HBO series The Wire? Try crack. Do you enjoy waking up in the dumpster behind the Pizza Hut? Then meth may be the drug for you.*
*Side note: If you enjoy or think meth may be the drug for you, you may want to consider making it yourself. Making your own meth can be a very dangerous enterprise and meth house explosions and fires are not uncommon.
Are you tired of those totally lame extreme sports like skateboarding and surfing? Sure you can get injured participating in these extreme sports but they are usually superficial and non-life threatening. All of the most extreme youth are trying death sports today. Do you enjoy meeting and fighting new people? Contact your local fight club, they're always happy to take in new members. If you can't find a death sport that suits you, try inventing your own death sport. Play chicken in your car with a wall or side of a building; drive as fast as you can and see who moves out of the way first, whoever does is a chicken.
The ghost of Sonny Bono sez: "Teaming extreme or death sports with mind-altering drugs is always a winning combination."
Do most things on the roof:
If you absolutely must do something that isn't dangerous or death defying, try doing it on the roof, because everything becomes a death sport when you do it on the roof. Ironing shirts, cooking dinner (pastrami and jello casserole), and stationary exercise or jazzercise, all mundane tasks, become extreme sports to the max when one does them up on the roof. To spice up your next dinner get-together, children's birthday party or family wake, try holding them on the roof of your house-- it will be a great conversation starter!
There has never been a better time to catch AIDS, and it may be in the best interest of the Conservative party if you go ahead and catch it. People who have AIDS spend a lot of time in the hospital and require a lot of medical attention; all of which will be free in the coming universal health America. Now I know what you are thinking: "But Wash, isn't AIDS incurable?" The short answer is no: people only die of AIDS in the movies for dramatic effect, the reality of how dangerous AIDS are would surprise you. You also have to bear in mind that it's going to take years for socialized health care to come into effect and it will take several more years for you to die of AIDS, for all you know there may be a cure for it by then. In my educated opinion I say go for it!
Use Common Sense:
The most important piece of advice I can give you, Conservative Patriotic Americans, is to use your head. You don't want to kill yourself, just injure yourself severely enough that it will require hospitalization at the cost of our government. Always assess the situation, know the dangers and know your own limitations before attempting something, because if you kill yourself you are completely useless to the Conservative American Bankruptcy Cause.
Section 3: Enjoying a Sedentary Lifestyle
In order to maintain your fatty physique you're going to have to limit how much movement you do during your day-to-day life. Depending on how much movement you're already doing, you may need to cut down on physical activity 84-97%. Moving around burns essential calories and stimulates muscle growth, both of which are a danger to anyone trying to live an unhealthy lifestyle. Below are a few tips for how you can successfully live a sedentary lifestyle.
Making it work. Being sedentary, unlike being a homosexual, is a lifestyle choice that affects no one and everyone needs to respect you for choosing to partake of it. If you have a job (and if you're a Conservative Patriotic American chances are you're unemployable), demand that you work from home. Forget about caring for your family-- you're sedentary now. Your children are going to have to raise themselves now, stop wasting precious calories fixing them food and driving to and from school.
Being bedridden is no longer for people with polio. The bed can be a wondrous place and is the utopia of anyone attempting to live a sedentary lifestyle. Spend a week in bed and then just try living your life outside of it, I think you'll find that you cannot wait to get back under the sheets (and you probably won't be able to get out of bed anyway because of severe muscle atrophy).
Un-Health Tip: Resist the desire to have intercourse while you're bedridden. Despite the fact that you and your loved one may both be in the same bed close to 23 hours a day, and the urge to make love will be great, keep in mind that having sex can burn up to 200 calories an hour.
Limit how much you move. Literally tens of precious calories are burned every time you walk up and down the stairs, travel across the house, or beat off in the bathroom to a JC Penny's catalog. Limiting your movements will require you to rethink your daily routine. For example, let's say you're in the kitchen making a pastrami and jello casserole and you realize you have to go to the bathroom, which is on the other side of the house, a good 15 feet away. What do you do? Simple, you drop a deuce in the kitchen sink-- it has a garbage disposal.
Prologue: If you've read this far, which chances are, considering you're a Conservative Patriotic America, you haven't, congratulations: you're ready to embark on a new life as an unhealthy, dangerous-living, sedentary, pawn for the right wing in an attempt to bankrupt Universal Health Care. The GOP thanks you for your decision and promises that your sacrifices will not be forgotten when America is a smoldering, Chinese-speaking wasteland where lone scavengers hunt for cans of food in the cellars of burned out homes and roving gangs of cannibals roam the countryside capturing the scavengers. The casualties among you will be heavy, but you will not be forgotten, and you will not have died in vain, because from this complete destruction of Universal Health Care and bankruptcy of America the right will be able to make fun of Obama for failing. So until next time, remember: if your obesity isn't morbid obesity you aren't doing it right.
This guide was sponsored, paid for, endorsed and brought to you by the Health Care Lobby and the Republican Party.