Folks, what I am about to describe to you may seem shocking and horrific and as such I suggest that all women and children close their browsers immediately and pray for our salvation. In my thirty plus years of broadcasting I have never witnessed such an insidious threat to America as Hannah Montana (who, I found out after several days of researching, isn't even from Montana). There is no doubt in my mind after seeing and hearing what I have this week that this Hannah Montana is the manifestation of Lucifer himself, using upbeat pop music to recruit 13 year old girls into a lifestyle of sin and evil. It was the perfect plan, too... until I foiled it.
My story starts early last week when an anonymous listener/hero going by the name "Tom" called my show to tip me off that when you play the song "Pumpin' up the Party" by Hannah Montana backwards you unlock satanic messages that encourage children to worship Satan. Reluctant at first I did as the listener asked and played the song in reverse-- what happened next was both shocking and terrifying. When the lines "Together we can make it flow/Thats what we'll do" are played backwards a demonic and menacing voice can clearly and distinctly be heard saying "Throw your God away/ and follow me/ the beast is your only savior/ six six six six six six six six six six six six six".
Upon hearing this horrific ballad I retreated to my private bathroom and hid in the handicapped stall for several hours until an intern was sent in to fetch me. After incapacitating him with a toilet plunger my producer and three security guards were called in and brought me back to my senses with elephant tranquilizers. With CD in hand I visited researchers of the demonic at Landover University. They were more than happy to take a look at the evidence I had brought in as their project of finding demons living within the celluloid rolls of Bambi cassette tapes had thus far proven futile in the 15 years that they had been undergoing their investigation.
"What we have here is a classic case of Satanic possession over a piece of popular music" said researcher Herald Timmons of Landover University. "Often times Satan will mask his teachings into popular music in reverse phonetics so the listener cannot pick up the message immediately, but once you have heard it, the message seeps into your subconscious."
Dr. Timmons also speculates that this discovery could shed new light on the growing witchcraft fad in America.
"This, teamed with Harry Potter and other Satanic media, could very well explain why so many children hate Jesus now-a-days. Satan loves to hide in music where parents have a difficult time protecting their children."
After spending some 48 consecutive hours studying the Hannah Montana CD researchers discovered another startling revelation: Hannah Montana's self-titled first album syncs perfectly with the 1976 documentary film "The Exorcist".
"When the CD is started at the same time as the film there is no debate that the two sync together perfectly, scene for scene. As someone that has studied demons and Satan for over 20 years now there is no doubt in my mind that Hannah Montana is being used as a vessel for Satan to bring anti-Christian messages to impressionable and stupid young girls. Like Reagan in The Exorcist, Hannah Montana is no longer in control of her actions and is a mouth piece for the dark lord himself. If these girls follow the messages that she is endorsing we could see a sharp increase in teen debauchery, such as teenage girls intentionally getting pregnant so they can abort the fetus and use in various satanic sexual acts."
In response to this breaking story Freehold, Iowa has ordered that all copies of Hannah Montana albums be burned in front of Landover Baptist Church on Sunday the 10th at 2:00pm. Additionally, a warrant has been put out within the town for Hannah Montana's arrest. While her capture alive will garner a hefty cash reward, townspeople are not discouraged from killing her if necessary.
UPDATE: this picture makes her agenda clear:
Tuesday, August 24, 2010