"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wash's New Favorite TV Show

Look out episodes of "24" that I edited to feature Chuck Norris, Jesus and Richard Nixon; there's a new show playing on my home television and it's called "Man Vs. Wild". At first I was skeptical to watching a show with a fruity British guy running around naked in the forest, drinking his own urine- but after several episodes I was hooked! "Man Vs. Wild" follows Bear, a fruity British guy, as he wanders around the forest drinking his own urine for some reason, showing us how to survive in the event that we are ever stranded in the relentless, unforgiving wilds.

Now I'm sure most of you are thinking "What good is this? If I ever get caught in the wild I'll just pull out my trump card: Jesus." or "All I needs is a rifle and a complete disrespect for nature to survive in the Alaskan mountains in the middle of December with nothing but a thong and a 6-pack of Coors." Well that all might be true, and I for one am never worried that I will be stranded like that when I'm in my private jet during on of my patented trips to my winter cabin in Aspen during thick snow fall (I especially like to cook smores on those plane rides but since we don't have any kind of fire places on those planes I just use a cigar lighter and put the smore on top of a bent spoon. Either way, I'm never afraid that my plane will crash).

But I'm getting ahead of myself, the lessons that you will learn on Man Vs. Wild say little compared to the glaring truth that is apparent (and I'm sure the fruity British guy would agree with me... and then take a chug of his own urine out of a canteen) in the themes of the show, mainly: Nature is dangerous and we must destroy it to survive.

During every episode, from the one where the fruity British guy uses his own urine to heat himself during a cold Scottish night to the one where the fruity British guy uses his own urine to sterilize a jellyfish wound to the one where the fruity British guy drinks his own urine in the Australian outback I couldn't help but say to myself "You know, if there was a Wal*Mart there we would have no need to learn these survival techniques." Every episode the fruity British guy talks about how many people die each year in the place that he is stranded in, imagine how many lives could be saved if instead of having a man-eating crocodile refuge in the Everglades where anyone could accidentally wander into and get killed we had a Big 5 sporting goods store, a food court and a multiplex? How many people have honestly had to drink their own urine to stay alive in front of a Jamba Juice? When I saw the fruity British guy cooking sheep meat in a geyser in Iceland I thought "A Wolfgang Pucks would go in great on top of those hot springs with a little landscaping." Once again, how many people have had to scavenge a dead sheep carcass for meat and then cook it on a shoelace in a geyser in front of a Wolf Gang Pucks?

I call on all my viewers to consider the benefits of eliminating nature in our time. I know I would feel a lot safer sending my son out on that Boy Scout camping trip to Yellow Stone when Yellow Stone is an auto mall, a Wells Fargo and a dollar dry cleaner.

Man: 1 Wild: 0

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