"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Wash O'Hanley Show Voter Feedback Assault Squadron 9,000


With the Presidential Election just weeks away and The Wash O'Hanley Show getting its ass handed to it in the ratings it was time for us to come up with a new segment that would draw in viewers. After sequestering myself and my writing staff in the office for five days we had come up with nothing and we decided to do the next best thing: steal another network's idea.

It is with great honor that The Wash O'Hanley Show introduces VOTER FEEDBACK ASSAULT SQUADRON 9,000. While some networks are content measuring undecided voter feedback with just a lousy dial for whether the participant agrees or disagrees with a given statement by a candidate, the Wash O'Hanley Show takes this idea and exhausts it to the extreme.

We begin by sitting our undecided voters in front of a large-screen television and arming them with a remote control that has over 700 buttons-- each with its own function or command. We then strap electrodes to their genitals and administer a shock any time their eyes are not transifxed on the screen to ensure that our panelists are seeing 100% of the debate (sometimes we give them a shock just to scare them a little bit). Meanwhile we leash rabid, hungry and angry gorillas to the wall in front of them with just enough chain-leash so that the gorillas can swipe at the panelists. Our voters are then hooked up to a lie detector machine and any time the machine indicates that a panelist has lied on their voter feedback remote control the gorilla is released on them.

The survivors are then herded into a small room where they are asked about their feelings on the debate. Half way through this interview it is revealed that one of the walls of the room is actually a three way mirror and on the other side of the mirror is another room filled with their children and a jail-cell filled with psychotic serial murders that are ravaging a dead carcass which contains the key to the door. This interview continues until the voters provide enough in depth analysis to save their children's lives or the psychotic murders obtain the key and proceed to cannibalize the children-- whichever comes first.

Finally the panelists are brought into solitary confinement cells, deprived of food and water and blasted with death metal music 24/7 while being kept on hand for any segment in the future that will require an undecided voter until the election.

The Wash O'Hanley Show takes undecided voter feedback far more seriously than those other stations that just use a stupid remote. Maybe our methods are a little "out there" but when you look at the results, the stone-cold facts-- and what we produce from them, you'll see that everything we put our undecided voters through is worth it.

The Wash O'Hanley Show- Weeknights at 8 on Freehold Public Access Television

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