"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My Interview With Presidential Hopeful Mitt Romney


Wash: I would like to take this opportunity to first thank Mr. Romney for appearing on our show this afternoon, I'm sure you'd rather be spending time with one of your families so we won't take too much of your time. For those of you living under a rock Mitt Romney was the governor of Massachusetts, is a Mormon as well as the owner of several major companies including Dominos Pizza and Staples office supplies and it is estimated that his net worth is near 250 million dollars. Now Mr. Romney is running for the Republican ticket in the 2008 Presidential election- thank you for taking the time to speak with us today Mr. Romney.

Mitt: Thank you for having me Wash.

Wash: Lets begin with some questions about your decision making-- recently your ability to make decisions has come into question and I'm sure the American people want to know how you feel about some of your past decisions as well as those which you will have to face should you be elected.

Mitt: Great question, I would first like to address the issues of gay marriage and abortion. I know that there are conflicting reports on my stance with this matter and I would just like to clear the record once and for all... [interrupted]

Wash: Actually I was talking about the new Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza on sale now for $3.99 with the purchase of any large pizza at participating Dominos Pizza restaurants. I think I speak on behalf of the American people when I question your decision making as a business owner when you ok'd such a radical and disturbing food product. Surely you weren't in your right mind at the time and I was just wondering if you had anything to say about the Oreo Dessert Pizza.

Mitt: well... umm... That is really more of a marketing or management question. I trust the judgment of my management at Dominos to make financially sound choices.

Wash: Have you actually eaten one of the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizzas Mitt?

Mitt: No, no I have not.

Wash: Because I have to question the integrity of a company that would make a product like this- it is a PIZZA, made with OREOS. What the hell were you thinking?

Mitt: Again, Wash, it really wasn't up to me.

Wash: Fair enough, lets move on.


Wash: I would like to turn the conversation now to some questions about your beliefs which have come into question as being out of left field and strange in this country where nearly 90% of the citizens in the United States believe differently from you. What do you have to say to people with different beliefs than you that aren't ready for your radical and strange beliefs?

Mitt: That's a good question. It's no secret that I have a deep faith in the Mormon religion and I honestly believe that a Mormon can lead this country just as well as a Baptist or a Methodist or a Catholic. Additionally there are many aspects of the Mormon religion that I... [interrupted]

Wash: Actually, Mitt, I was referring to your belief that the American people would enjoy a PIZZA that is made out of COOKIES. It's disgusting, unholy and, frankly, wrong. Do you think that America can handle someone with such crazy taste?

Mitt: I don't think it's that bad.

Wash: What do you have to say to critics that speculate that one day you're combining the awesome power of pizza and dessert in unholy sexual congress and then the next day you're combining Al-Queda with man-eating jet pack dinosaur robots with rocket launchers? Will we, in the Mitt Romney America, have robot overlords that force the common peons like my humble listeners into a life of forced servitude at the hands of an empire built on a foundation of dessert pizzas? Where does it end, Mitt?

Mitt: I believe that question is absurd and you know it, Wash.

Wash: Absurdly terrifying, yes. Didn't Hitler start out by combining food as well?
Mitt: I don't think so.

Wash: I'm pretty sure Hitler invented brunch- the homosexual breakfast.
Mitt: Ok

Wash: Breakfast AND lunch at the same time, now that's a sin.

Wash: I'd like to now talk about the global economy, particularly how you feel about America's reaching impact on the economies of other countries.

Mitt: I feel that America's technology and financial standing can only work to better the world around us, particularly in countries that are ravaged by third world conditions and war. I've always been a steadfast supporter of the open market and I believe that exporting our brand name businesses like Starbucks and McDonalds to other countries has been great for... [interrupted]

Wash: I was actually referring to the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza and its impact on cultures and markets in other countries that may not be ready for the union of pizza and cookie. I mean, in America we just BARELY avoided complete annihilation when this thing was introduced last month. I think I remember seeing riots in the streets... at least 50 people died because of this thing. Can an unstable country like Ethiopia or Romania really stand up to the devastating force that is the dessert pizza?

Mitt: I don't know, Wash, I don't know. There were no riots over the dessert pizza and no one died, I'm pretty sure that a pile of Oreos on top of a pastry crust with frosting on top of it will not cause the kind of catastrophic implications that you have described.
Wash: If the launch of the Dominos Oreo Dessert Pizza doesn't go well in a country like Iran or Pakistan could we be looking at a World War III?

Mitt: I very much doubt that.

Wash: Could the Oreo Dessert Pizza solve the illegal immigration problem in America by causing illegal Mexican immigrants to flee back to Mexico to avoid the nefarious clutch that your product has on America?

Mitt: I'm not dignifying that question with an answer

Wash: Fair enough, I just have one last question: we ordered an Oreo Dessert Pizza and we have it sitting right here, will you take a slice?
[Mitt Romney leaves the interview]

Well folks, I pray to sweet baby Jesus that this whacked-out lunatic isn't elected and that his brand of culinary eugenics, not seen since the days of Hitler and Fatty Arbuckle, never become a common place in this world of ours. First you're combining a cake with a hamburger and before you know it we have robotic dinosaurs ruling us. This future terrifies me and I will do everything in my power to stop it.

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