"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Follow Wash O'Hanley on Twitter


Flashback to one year ago: the 24 hour news networks needed something to fill their time slots. 24 hours of news a day sounded like a great idea back in the 80s when Ted Turner and Rupert Murdock were doing blow off a hooker's ass in the bathroom at an aging and no longer hip Studio 54 and the idea of having an anchor in front of a camera all day sounded like a cake-walk after they had just spent 45 consecutive hours keeping that pink elephant at bey from breaking through the front door of their New York penthouses. Unfortunately all of the people in that pathetic monolith of a once glorious, albeit retarded, era were kissing Ted's ass because they wanted to be the first anchors on his station when they should have been punching him in the face for having such a worthless idea. Where are those people today? All dead.

24 hour news is more useless than it has ever been in the face of the internet. Bloggers have rendered these Ivy League graduates, fresh out of Princeton and hot off their exposé on corruption within the board of directors of the Deerborn, Michigan, city Little League Association obsolete. The world has never in its entire existence needed journalists less than it does today. Teamed with the fact that any douchebag with a laptop and a camera phone can now provide enough material for Wolf Blizter to do an entire newscast and the fact that today's reporters, the result of overexposure to television at a young age, coca-cola and internet pornography are unable to formulate a coherent news report that doesn't sound vapid and pointless makes us all wonder where the modern day Woodward's and Burnstein's are.

Turn on CNN at any time during the day and your senses are assaulted by the asinine banter of no-name "journalists" that schmoozed their way onto the station after brief stints as sideline reporters for Troy State football games that no one ever watched. Ever wonder what happened to your favorite weather girl, people of the greater Tampa area? She's probably sitting with another-plastic looking blonde woman on a couch talking about Michelle Obama's wardrobe over on MSNBC right now. What ever happened to that reporter in Tulsa that showed the footage of the squirrel water skiing? He's probably showing footage of a squirrel water skiing on Fox News. Anything that could even be construed as news was leapt on like a pack of hungry hyenas on the struggling body of a crippled and mentally handicapped wildebeest and 72 hours later all that is left are the mangled bones of a former "news" story. Non stories were given news time they didn't deserve: what kind of toys to the Obama girls play with? What do the Obama girls eat for lunch at school? Is Sarah Palin's retarded baby's father Joe the Plumber? These once naive journalism students, top of their high school classes, reduced to tedium and pointless speculation. But then change happened? But what was it?

Fast forward to today: a corrupt election in Iran has focused the entire world's eyes once again on the troubles of the middle east. Real journalists are thankfully not allowed anywhere near the action, where they would bungle the situation like two virgins having sex. "Does this go in here?" "No no no no, stop it OW OW OW STOP IT" "Sorry, I just... can you guide me in there?" "OW OW OW STOP IT" "Oh God... I'm so sorry." Yet this story requires covering. For the first time in months there is a legitimate story out there, but who will step up to the plate?

Twitter: Replacing Journalists since 2008

Twitter is a social networking phenomena not unlike Facebook and those Youtube-like sites that have streaming porn movies. Instead of going out and doing legitimate investigations like the journalists of old, today's 24 hour news personality can simply sit back and glean the endless shit fields that is the social networking wasteland for the remnants of anything even remotely worth spending time on. Why formulate your own opinions when mouth breathing Toys 'R Us employees from Arkansas and a taxi driver in Beirut have an opinion on something-- and in 140 or fewer characters? Look, I'm a busy man; and while news is my career, I don't have time to be reading... God knows how many news papers and paying God knows how many reporters and foreign correspondents to dig up the same shit these pawns manage to dig up for free and post on the internet for me to steal.

So where does Wash O'Hanley fall into all of this? I've always been on the forefront of the leading trends in American popular culture, which is why I have been the most consistently popular radio program in all of South Eastern Iowa for the last 22 years-- controlling the entire 55-87 year old white male demographic (I believe they are called "Generation X"). My demographic is the leader in all things that are "hip" in America: White males aged 55-87, Christian, gun-owning, believe Evolution and Global Warming are hoaxes, still hate Communists, keep a picture of Reagan in their wallets where other people keep condoms, drive inferior American cars, and believe Obama is a Muslim born in Kenya and is not eligible to serve as President. With such an "in" crowd of people listening to my show it is only natural that I would sooner or later pick up this popular new form of social networking so that my fans can have instant access to my brain even when I'm not on the air. As a political pundit I am like a public servant. People rely on me for valuable judgments about all of the world's current events because as listeners to the radio they are all prehistorical mongoloids that think moving pictures are evil and don't own computers because they still have some trivial vendetta against the "Japs" for some shit they did like 65 years ago that no one cares about anymore and are therefore incapable of forming their own opinions that aren't a smorgasbord of inaccuracies and uncomfortable masked racism.

So I invite all of my readers and listeners to take part in this joyous occasion by reading my Twitter page frequently. My hope is that I will turn the entire world of social networking on its head with ground-breaking and important "tweets" that will prove all other Twitter accounts owned by reputable journalists to be meaningless and obsolete. Here is just a sample of some of the pressing issues I've covered thus far in only my first day on the site:

I've only been on Twitter for one day but I'm already taking the site by storm-- and look! I'm already personal friends with Hollywood actors and Twitter superstars Ashton Kutcher and Lindsay Lohan! Word to the wise: The past tense of making a Twitter statement is not a "twat". I got coffee thrown in my face at Starbucks today when I asked a young lady with a laptop if I could see her twat. The good news is it was a cold frappuccino, the bad news is I got melted chocolate all over my junk... oh wait, that's a good thing.


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