September 1, 2010
WASHINGTON, DC -- Hot off his successful diplomatic mission to North Korea where he secured the release of a detained U.S. citizen, Jimmy Carter announced his plans to bring Sexy back. At a press conference at Dulles International Airport the former U.S. President expressed his desire to secure the release of Sexy from Brazil.
"I'm hoping the Brazilian Government will have a sit down with me and discuss the possibility of allowing Sexy to return to the United States," the 85 year old humanitarian explained.
During the 29 years since he was last in office Carter has spent much of his time and efforts on securing the release of Americans imprisoned in foreign countries.
"To put it plainly: America needs Sexy back," Carter told members of the press Tuesday morning.
Detained in 2004 while hiking in the mountainous borderlands between Peru and Brazil, Sexy has been living in a jail in the city of Rio Banco since.
The Brazilian government has allowed U.N. peacekeepers to maintain contact with Sexy. They have reported that conditions within the jail are deplorable and that if Sexy requires immediate psychological evaluation.
"The time is right to bring Sexy back," Carter stated. "Both for Sexy's well-being, and for our own sake."
Carter on a fact-finding mission.
Carter pointed out that America is facing its greatest dearth of Sexy in nearly a century. Since 2004 one night stands, strip club attendance, and pregnancies are all down.
One need only glance around La Cantina, a bar near the University of Texas at Austin, to see the devastating effects Sexy's absence has had on colleges all over America.
"You used to see people hooking up in here every night, but now that Sexy's gone you're lucky if you can get a handjob once a month," explained sixth year undergraduate Communications major Doug Robinson, weighing in on the situation.
Critics have asserted that Carter's proposed trip would only serve to embolden the South American country and legitimize their behavior.
"To go down to Brazil and have a sit down with this nation will only lead to America being seen as weak," Senator Chuck Grassley ,R- Iowa, insisted during a phone interview. "Mr. Carter's time would be better spend securing the release of nouns, verbs and adjectives from first-world nations. Why spend so much time getting Sexy back when the French have had Snobbery detained for nearly three centuries? Or how about getting Awkward Romantic Misunderstandings back from England?"
In the face of immense criticism from the Right, Carter has asserted the dire need to bring Sexy back to America.
"I recently judged a wet t-shirt contest in West Palm Beach, [Florida]. To say it was un-sexy would not be sufficient to describe just how flaccid my penis was. Let's just say it was the most inhuman thing I'd ever witnessed, and that's coming from a guy who presided during the Iran Hostage Crisis," a visibly shaken Carter recounted. "Looking at the pictures of the young ladies on the beaches in Rio... I'd like to drop a peanut down that cleavage, I tell you what."
When asked why he was the man for the job, Carter was quick to point out that until 2004 he was "a damn sexy man."