"If Wash O'Hanley didn't cover it, it probably wasn't that important anyway."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Homosexuals in the NFL - A Comprehensive List of Gay Players

With the heat of summer now a distant memory and Labor Day now having come and gone, every man across America eagerly awaits as the players of the National Football League march out onto the storied fields in the crisp fall Sunday mornings. Gone are the dog days of summer and with them we can finally stop pretending we care about baseball. Football is America's game and in only a few days we will entertain ourselves with the glorious runs, the razzle-dazzle trick plays, the last second touchdowns and the bone-crushing hits for 22 weeks.

All the men who suit up and take to the field every Sunday afternoon are the epitome of what a real man should be: strong, brave, and fierce. With over 2,000 players on active rosters, practice squads or in free agency, there is always the possibility that there will be at least a few homosexuals. When you work in political media, like I do, you become privy to certain information of a sensitive nature, which I am prepared to share with you all now. Below is an extensive list of suspected homosexuals currently playing in the NFL, as provided by a friend of mine in a high place.

Ray Lewis - Linebacker - Baltimore Ravens

A first round draft choice back in 1996, Lewis has been the face of the Ravens franchise since they moved from Cleveland to Baltimore. During his 14 year NFL career he's amassed 1,770 tackles, 36.5 sacks and 28 interceptions. He's also an 11 time Pro-Bowler and the Most Valuable Player of Super Bowl XXXV. Lewis is considered by most football historians to be the greatest inside linebacker in the history of professional football. In the debate of who the greatest inside linebacker of all time is there are no question marks, but many question marks surround Ray's personal life off the field.

The Evidence:

  • Coaches say his ability to penetrate is second to none.
  • Considering how many tackles he has, one can only assume he really likes touching men.
  • Watches Will & Grace at his locker to get pumped up before games.
  • Spends an unusual amount of time working out.
Carson Palmer - Quarterback - Cincinnati Bengals

The former number 1 overall pick has transformed the Bengals from the biggest laughing stock in the league to a contender in the AFC North. During his tenure as Cincinnati's starting quarterback he has proven to be an efficient game manager with a great arm and superior accuracy. While he claims to be straight and has a wife and two kids, one can only wonder if his portrait of happy marital life is just a front he puts on to fool people into thinking he's not gay.

The Evidence:
  • When meeting new people he often says "I'm a tiger" while growling and pantomime-scratching.
  • Wears his uniform in public when not playing football.
  • Led the league in butt-slaps in 2009.
  • Is described as one of the most accurate passers in the league with the capability to fit the ball into really tight spaces, which begs the question of what other things he can fit in tight spaces.
Al Harris - Cornerback - Green Bay Packers

The dominant defensive back for the Packers has long been known for his in-your-face style of play and dominant shut down abilities. Known as one of the most physical corners in the NFL, could he also be physical off the field?

The Evidence:
  • Was flagged for an illegal use of the hands penalty inside a Green Bay grocery store in April.
  • Spends more time working on his hair than studying opposing offenses.
  • Participates in the celebratory dances of other teams.
  • Shares a hotel room with a teammate during away games.
Vernon Davis - Tight End - San Francisco 49ers

Seen as a bust early in his career, Vernon Davis came into his own during the 2009 campaign and proved himself to be one of the most dominant tight ends in the game; getting invited to his first Pro Bowl along the way. Davis has been known for his volatile personality which has gotten him into trouble in the past, but is he doing things off the field that could also get him in trouble?
  • Majored in Studio Art in college and was an honorary captain of the US Curling Team in the 2010 Winter Olympics.
  • Once wore a Cleveland Browns uniform to a game so he wouldn't be wearing the same thing as anyone else.
  • When asked by a reporter how he managed to get such good separation from Linebacker Lance Briggs after a game against the Chicago Bears, Davis said "we just needed to spend some time apart."
  • Lives and works in San Francisco.
Adrian Peterson - Running Back - Minnesota Vikings

Adrian Peterson has proven himself over the last three seasons as a dominant offensive force and one of the top two running backs in the NFL. In his rookie season he broke the single-game rushing record and holds the record for most yardage earned on the ground in a player's first two years. While on the field he's a freak of nature, the things he does off the field have raised more than a few eyebrows.

The Evidence:
  • Racks up huge amounts of yardage on the ground trying to outrun his gay thoughts.
  • Is often seen wearing the color purple.
  • Has been noted for his ability to find the hole.
  • After fumbling 20 times in three years, league sources have said he spent most of the off season working on his ball-handling skills.

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