Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders

Originally published in Freehold Magazine, October 4th, 2010
Yard Haunters: Pathetic Shut-Ins and Sex Offenders
By Wash O'Hanley



Folks, we all know a house like this: Styrofoam cemetery in the front yard, stuffed zombies littering the porch, phony spider webs in the bushes, red light bulbs illuminating the front of the house from October 1st until mid-November when they finally get around to taking all their junk down. On Halloween, when the rest of us buy a bag of Tootise-Pops on the way home from work and turn off all the lights in the hopes that no one comes to the door while you're trying to watch a rerun of Two and A Half Men, these people are dressed up in the most gruesome clown masks they could find, scaring small children that come to their front door. You may have thought you were just unlucky and ended up living next door to the one crazy Halloween nut in America, but as it turns out these people are large in numbers (and stomach girth) and have invaded every corner of our fair country. They call themselves "Yard Haunters," and while on the surface their intentions may seem to be Halloween fun, there is a more sinister motive under the mask.

For Yard Haunters, Halloween isn't just one annoying day out of the year, sandwiched between Columbus Day and Election Day; it's a year-long exercise in preparation and annoying people whose homes are adjacent to theirs. All year the Yard Haunter browses the internet, visits garage sales, and comes up with new ideas for how to spook young children that come to his or her door on October 31st expecting treats. While most parents are willing to excuse this foolishness as an attempt to make the holiday more fun and enjoyable for the children, the behavior of these Yard
Haunters is starting to raise more than a few Christian eyebrows.

The Bible is very clear in its message that we must protect our little ones, and today there is no greater threat to their well-being than sick and perverted Yard Haunters whose only reason for participating in Halloween is to use our children like blow-up sex dolls.

Matthew 18:10 - Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Provided below is evidence that I believe sufficiently proves Yard Haunters are nothing more than a gaggle of pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders posing as adjusted members of suburban America enjoying Halloween in order to defile children.



Reason #1: Like NAMBLA and Al Qaeda, Yard Haunters have a website.

The internet has, since its inception, been a veritable minefield of moral decay and perverse deviance. It's the perfect place for degenerates, criminals, and terrorists alike to meet, plot, and share information with each other. Message boards are ground zero for these people to get together, and are like the coffee houses of the internet. Every sick and twisted organization, from atheists to furries to terrorists, have message boards where they get together, bound by their common interests, and come up with new ways to undermine American values. NAMBLA uses their website to come up with new ways to molest children, while Al Qaeda uses the internet to post videos of their terrorists acts, and it should come as no surprise that Yard Haunters have their own websites to show off their rape palaces. If you thought that neighbor who turned his front lawn into a zombie invasion last year was working alone you are totally wrong; this is part of an intricate network of sex offenders and social deviants who are working together and giving one another ideas on how to more effectively lure young children into their homes. Which brings me to reason #2...

Reason #2: Yard Haunting is just an excuse to get small children into your home.

What is more inviting to a young child than the sight of a clown or friendly vampire? These figures of Halloween capture minds and widen the eyes of young children as they go from door to door in search of yummy treats. Yard Haunters know this have taken to making their yards more inviting to young ones. If you're a small child and you're trick-or-treating on a street and one of the houses has a giant and brightly-lit holiday display, which house are you going to be most excited to visit? Once the child has gazed upon all the scary decorations they are almost caught and it will take just a little trick from the Yard Haunter to get them in his home. Maybe he says he ran out of candy and tells them to follow him into the basement where he keeps his "good stuff," maybe he tells them he has an even scarier haunted house in his bedroom, whatever the case, the point of these yard haunts is to get the children to let their guard down so they are easier to rape, which brings me to reason #3...

Reason #3: All Yard Haunters are pathetic shut-ins and sex offenders.

Go to http://www.sexoffenderfinder.com/ and type in your home address, on it a list of homes owned by sex offenders will pop up, print that map out and on Halloween go around to each beacon on your map and I guarantee every home occupied by a sex offender will have a haunt in their front yard. These are people required by law to stay at a certain distance from children on the other 364 days out of the year, but on Halloween, because they took the time to carve a pumpkin and put a phony stuffed witch on their porch it's suddenly ok for them to be handing out candy to your children? What kind of messed up world do we live in? In many cases these people wear Halloween masks to hide their identities and loose-fitting cloaks to conceal their erections and nakedness. By jumping out at your kids while shrieking like a banshee and causing them to scream they gain sexual gratification. Once your family leaves they go back into the bushes and wait for more kids, but what are they doing in those bushes to themselves as they wait? If a yard haunt has been erected at a home not on your sex offender registry it is entirely possible a sex offender is squatting in an abandoned home and has set up some sort of sex dungeon-- alert your authorities. Which brings us to reason #4...

Reason #4: Yard Haunts are a Yard Haunter's vision of what the real world is like.

As outlined in the previous reasons these Yard Haunters are nothing more than a group of social outcasts and sex offenders, cast aside by society and left to live a life in the shadows. Due to watching hours of child porn, horror movies, and internet snuff films, these people have created a sick fantasy world in their heads that manifests itself on Halloween when such sick behavior is looked at as normal. Due to years of watching videos of people being beheaded by terrorists, these people see decapitated and tortured bodies when they close their eyes, they see zombies rising from the grave to feast upon the living in their dreams, and they wish that they lived on a farm in the middle of Texas so teenagers that ran out of gas will be marooned on their property to be slaughtered in a horrific manner. On Halloween these fantasies take shape as they construct their vile dreams into a reality. To many parents it looks like Halloween fun, but in reality it is the work of mentally-ill people that can no longer tell the difference between the fright films they love and reality. Why would you want people like this around your children?



Now that you know a little about Yard Haunters, let's take a look at the kinds of things they are into. If someone you know matches any of the descriptions below they may be a sex offender looking to score some adolescent tail on Halloween and should be turned in immediately:

- Enjoys Halloween.
- Watches horror movies.
- Plans on dressing up as something on Halloween.
- Sets up a display for trick-or-treaters in their front yard.
- Has Liberal political signs in their front yard.
- Is not a member of a Bible-believing Baptist Church.

What should you do if you come upon a yard haunt?

Don't panic: these people are powerless against anyone who doesn't go into their yard and will not chase you for fear that their sex slaves will escape while they are gone.

Alert Others: Tell anyone you see to avoid that house. If that means physically standing at the foot of their driveway and turning people away, so be it.

Tear Down What You Can: Many of their props are light-weight, so when they aren't looking try to knock over, unplug, or destroy as much of their haunt as possible so that more children cannot be hurt.

Call the Cops: The cops will surely make quick work of this low life and his stupid Halloween set up. You may even get a reward for turning him in.

Now that you know what a Yard Haunter is, how to recognize one, and what their perverted intentions are, use this information to make a positive impact in your community! For too long social outcasts and sex pedophiles have gotten away with luring our children into their twisted ideas of what the real world is at our blessing because "it's all just Halloween fun." No more! The next time you drive past a home that has an elaborate phony cemetery, don't think it's just a harmless way to make kids laugh, because the reality is that what you're looking at is one of the most intricate attempts for a pedophile to get their penis into your son or daughter's virgin rectum in the history of mankind!

Wash O'Hanley is Southeastern Iowa's #3 voice in political punditry, hosting his own daily radio program The Wash O'Hanley Show, is a featured writer on several religious and political blogs, and is the author of How Minorities, Liberals, and Homosexuals Want to Murder You and Rape Your Children, Gay Jew Homo-Nazi Abortions, Mindrape, and I Can't Use Public Restrooms Because of Gay People.

Gay Man Makes Positive Choice: Kills Self

In what is being called by many Christians around America as the first example of a homosexual making a good decision, a young man from New Jersey jumped off a bridge to his death last week after video of him being gay was released on the internet.

Reporting from Hackensack, N.J. —
The New Jersey attorney general's office is reviewing the case of a Rutgers University freshman who jumped from the George Washington Bridge last week after images of him having sex with another man were broadcast on the Internet, and will decide whether to prosecute the incident as a bias crime, a spokesman said Thursday. (More)

 I think it goes without saying that it is news like this that every True Christian™ around America wants to wake up and read every day. As we learn in Leviticus 20:13: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. What does this young man's suicide mean? It means that at least some homosexuals are finally taking responsibility for their actions and punishing themselves in a manner that is fitting to God.

Although in his short-sightedness the young man decided to take his own life, a horrific sin almost as bad as homosexuality, rather than choosing the more positive route of letting his school friends stone him to death, but given the circumstances I think we (all Christians around the world) can agree this young man made the right choice.

James O'Keefe's Latest Prank: Dull, Unimaginitive and Outlandish

It looks like Right-Wing entertainer and performance artist James O'Keefe is in the news again for trying to pull another prank that has gone horribly wrong:

James O'Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting, hoped to get CNN Investigative Correspondent Abbie Boudreau onto a boat filled with sexually explicit props and then record the session, those documents show.

The plan apparently was thwarted after Boudreau was warned minutes before it was supposed to happen.

"I never intended to become part of the story," Boudreau said. "But things suddenly took a very strange turn."

O'Keefe is best known for making a series of undercover videos inside ACORN offices around the country in 2009. The 40-year-old liberal group was crippled by scandal after O'Keefe and fellow activist Hannah Giles allegedly solicited advice from ACORN workers on setting up a brothel and evading taxes.

The videos led to some of the employees being fired and contributed to the disbanding of ACORN, which advocated for low- and middle-income and worked to register voters. (More) 

I think for O'Keefe's next media fiasco he should build a time machine, go back to 2009 and stay there forever since he's never going to reproduce the magic he created with his ACORN video.

He captured America's imagination with the twist ending at the end of his first effort: *SPOILER* The twist was that absolutely none of it was real. But since then his pranks have just been a series of failed attempts that has only proven that he is a one-trick pony. The sad thing is people are going to go see his videos just because his name is attached and financiers are going to keep giving him money for new stunts because he is profitable. I haven't seen this most recent attempt, nor do I plan on it; all early reviews indicate it's just going to be another tired story with dopey dialogue, an outlandish premise, a love story that would never work in the real world and then the same twist ending as all the rest of his work. I also heard that after he was done filming everything he decided to make it 3-D and as a result it looks really bad. Until O'Keefe learns that as an artist you need to evolve and grow and stop releasing the same thing that made you famous a few years ago, Americans are going to increasingly dislike the work he makes.

My Thoughts on the Christine O'Donnell Videos

Christine O'Donnell, a virtual unknown until only a few days ago, recently blew onto the scene like a premature ejaculation in the back seat of a Ford Fiesta on prom night '87. Liberal smear-artist Rachel Maddow showed a video of a twenty-something year old O'Donnell trying to promote teen purity on her daily broadcast and since then the young GOP challenger from Delaware has become an overnight Youtube phenomenon.

Folks, we've all seen the videos... multiple times. We have every line of corny scripted dialogue, every bad early 90s hairdo, and every unflattering camera angle ingrained in our subconscious where it will sit in our Rolodex of things that we will never unsee. For those reasons there's no point in posting the videos yet again.

The left has been having a field day with these videos and frankly I feel sorry for the girl. Obviously these tapes were a mistake. She was fresh out of college, couldn't find a job, had student loans to pay off and saw a way to make some quick money. Maybe she met a guy at the Dennys while she was waiting tables, maybe he told her he had an acting gig for her and maybe she saw it as a quick way to earn a couple of bucks-- how she got in this situation doesn't matter. Obviously she was taken advantage of, obviously things got out of hand and obviously she was made to do things no woman should ever have to do on camera.

What was supposed to be a short student film about a single mother working two jobs to find a better life for her autistic albino son quickly turned into a sleazy attempt to get this young lady to do degrading things on film.

It's a sad reality that young and desperate women that are down on their luck and out of money are being disgraced and taken advantage of by the absolute lowest form of human scum on this planet: Moral Activists. They get you in that room with the phony potted plant, sit you down on that filthy stained couch, shine a light in your face and instruct you to read horribly-written pieces of dialogue like "if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself... then why am I in the picture?" I mean the idea of a woman trying to single-handedly stop fourteen-year-old boys from using their penises like the fire hoses those cops used to shoot black people with during the Civil Rights movement is more far-fetched than three sorority sisters having a 4-way with a pizza delivery guy because they can't pay for their pizza. Really, you don't have $10 between the three of you?

Based on the poor production quality, the awful haircuts, the cheesy music, the unbelievable premise and the cringe-worthy dialogue I think it's obvious this video was meant only to be seen by a very small cross section of America's most vile and detestable citizens. Limited to small book and video shops next to liquor stores in strip malls located in the bad part of town where men hiding inside trench coats and sunglasses look both ways to make sure no one is watching before slipping inside to quench their despicable habits, it's apparent this video was never meant to be seen by normal, well-adjusted and functioning members of society.

When she was talked into performing in this tape Christine had no idea that one day a series of tubes would bring the world instantly to our fingertips and any motion picture caught on video or film would gain a world audience. When Christine regrettably decided to participate in this degrading video there was no way of knowing one day her parents, her friends, and the entire world would see it and feel ashamed for her.

We all make mistakes, maybe we don't go on Politically Incorrect and say that it was wrong for people to lie to Nazis about hiding Jews in their homes, but we all have lapses in judgment that we hope no one else sees. How would you feel if your lowest moment was caught on tape and played on every major news show in America? These videos were obviously never supposed to be seen by people like us and I want to personally reprimand the disgusting, vile, maladjusted, bottom-feeding scumbags that lure down-on-their-luck girls to say and do deplorable things on camera for the titillation of only a few fat, ugly, girlfriendless, perverted, mentally-ill Values Voters.

Shame on you!

While I like to believe O'Donnell has learned her lesson and will never appear in an embarrassing video again, the revelations that she has been living off campaign donations and has racked up thousands in debt by not paying her staff lead me to believe that if things don't rapidly get better for the spunky young Senatorial candidate from Delaware we may see another shameful video of her on the internet spearheading a campaign to make it illegal to have sex with the lights on.